Sugar and Spice- Our Journey to Parenthood

Kennedy Getting into Mischief!

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:36:00 +0000

Boy o Boy

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:30:00 +0000

Porkchop is now officially in our house full time...no more "transitioning" between his foster family and ours!

He is doing great..but is very "clingy" to me. and only me. which is, on one hand, absolutely WONDERFUL....

On the other hand..it is wearing me out. Porkchop does not want me to spend anytime with Kennedy at ALL.

Kinda hard to do since Kennedy is still nursing and is only 9 months old and is very much a mommy's girl herself.

DH just took him outside with a toy dump truck to give him some outdoor "daddy" time..and to give me a break...

I know we will eventually even out and find a good routine for our family....until then I guess I need to clone myself!

So much to think about.....

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:10:00 +0000

Porkchop's SW called last week to ask us how we felt about having a type of "open adoption" agreement with his bio-mom (is that still the appropriate term?). According to the SW, Porkchop's GAL does not support reunification at this point (gee it took 2 years to come to that decision?) but is not "comfortable" with termination. However, if we were willing to be "open" then she would definitely be enthusiastic about termination.

Bio-mom's attorney is not so excited, as she pointed out (rightly) that an open adoption agreement is not legally enforcable.

Wondering if offering such an arrangement is a way for the "system" to avoid a trial and convince mom to relinquish her rights???? Seems pretty underhanded, to me.

Legally binding or not, such an agreement, is, in my mind, morally binding.

And I just dont' know how I feel about that.

Pondering Open Adoption

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:02:00 +0000

does anyone have any thoughts on open adoption?

How would you define open adoption?

Would you want/not want an open adoption?

If the adoption was from foster care- would that change your views on OA or affect how "open" you would be willing to be?

For the 20th time tonight....

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:43:00 +0000

I have read "Sheep in a Jeep"

I am beginning to think this is a stall tactic to avoid going to bed.

anyone want to rehaul my blog?

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:02:00 +0000

sigh. I need to get back to blogging..I miss the friendships I formed while blogging and the support of fellow bloggers.
Trouble is this blog has been so woefully neglected that it needs a major rehaul..and I don't have the time to mess with it. I really truly don't....Kennedy is now 9 months and into everything, and Porkchop (I LOVE HAVING HIM BACK!) is transitioning to us and is now a busy 2 year old...so he needs and deserves a lot of time (plus he is a one boy wrecking crew and is dangerous around a keyboard!).....

my links are so outdated...anyone have new links for me to put up? suggestions about which links to take down?

GOTTA RUN..Kennedy just found the dog's water dish....ACK!! or should I say SPLASH?>!>!>!

Guess Who's Back?

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:11:00 +0000

Porkchop! It's been a long, sad time without our little buddy...but he is back now! Porkchop is transitioning to our house as an adoptive placement! He will be with us fulltime starting on November 6th.....needless to say its been CRAZY! We moved to a new house AND found out he was back in care and that the plan was now ADOPTION!!!

Of course there is a bit of a long road ahead before adoption can take place...but at least he is back with us! Now we are hoping and praying that the court system does the right thing by him and terminates parental rights....

Porkchop is now 2 and a super busy guy! He is struggling a little bit with the transition, but overall it is going well...

I'm gonna be a bit naughty here and post a pic of him....but I can't leave it up for long, so hopefully there are a few readers out there who will get a glimpse of him before I have to yank it off.....

and still more pics....

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:07:00 +0000

Long overdue: new pics of Kennedy!

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:04:00 +0000

What I Have Learned So Far

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:01:00 +0000

What I have learned about breastfeeding:

1. It takes a lot of time. and I do mean a LOT. the first few weeks all I did was breastfeed.

2. wearing a bra is pretty pointless...at least at first

3. I tend to obsess about my breasts all the time

4. engorgment hurts

5. the first five weeks were hell. painful, burning, hell

6. it is an amazing feeling to know that my body provides everything my little girl needs

7. the first time Kennedy was nursing and looked up at me and laughed (about a week ago) I cried. it was amazing. it made everything worth it.

7. I definitely get much less sleep nursing than I did bottle feeding porkchop.

8. Still, those late night snuggly nursing sessions are precious experiences

9. Bonus: thanks to breastfeeding, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight six weeks after giving birth

10. Downside: my body, even at pre-pregnacy weight, does not look the same. I am...shall we say...a bit "floppy" in the middle.

11. it is true what is said about breastfeeding and bonding.....I know I am going to be sad when it is time to wean

12. stretch marks on breasts are ugly. no way around that truth.

13. I feel like a human pacifier. I have tried every pacifier on the market, but Kennedy prefers me. or at least, my "girls."

Baby Pictures

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 13:47:00 +0000

Welcome Baby!

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 13:42:00 +0000

Kennedy Marie

born Febuary 1st, 2009

9:06 a.m.

8 pds 3 ozs

19 1/2 inches long

Random Thoughts from a Very Pregnant Woman

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:34:00 +0000

1. how is it possible to crave grapefruit and popcorn...at the same time?
2. what if the ultrasound is wrong, and the baby is a BOY....will he grow up with gender identity disorder because his bedroom is pink? come to think of it, most of the clothes are pink or purple. I'm probably not going to sleep tonight thinking about this one.
3. Why is pink a girl color anyway?
4. What if the name we picked out doesn't fit? or worse, it fits, but it magically becomes the number one baby name of 2009...which defeats the purpose of why we picked it in the first place. we wanted different, but not too way out there. So far its been a largely popular pick among people we ask...but then maybe they are just being polite? maybe everyone hates the name and no one will tell us.
5. Related thought to #4- everyone has oohed and ahhed over the ultrasound pictures. what if everyone is really thinking "thank God that kid is not mine..that is one UGLY baby"
6. why do I keep checking the weather channel and moaning over how cold it is outside (some-teen below freaking zero, in case you were wondering) when I dont have any energy to go anywhere anyway?
7. Am I ever going to have any energy ever again?
8. Am I the only one who thinks it is ironic that the one "proven" DIY method of inducing labor is the very same activity that got me pregnant in the first place? I have read countless pregnancy and labor websites and messageboards and it is the consensus that one must DTD (do the deed) to both get pregnant and to kick off labor.
9. OTH, one of those websites had a poster who swore up and down that her OBGYN supported her choice to smoke marijuana in order to deal with her morning sickness and be able to eat food. And other posters chimed in to support the original poster. So maybe its not the most reliable source of information.
10. Its all a mute point anyway, since I have no energy to DTD.
11. Someone said eating pineapple helps. Maybe I will try that.
12. Why do random strangers feel it is ok to touch my belly?
13. Related to #12, what made this one person that I know think it was ok to touch both my belly and my BOOBS? as in, pull my shirt up and say "ooh let me see if your milk is about to come in...." and put cold hands on my stomach and say "ooh let me see if she is moving around...have you dropped anymore?"
14. Why is it my only response to the event reported in #13 was to stand there in shock and be speechless?
15. I wonder if my child will be forever warped because I have been watching Dexter and Big Love. If not warped, at least morally confused. I probably should be watching something mild and soothing, like Little House on the Prarie. Instead I am watching a series about a serial killer with a moral code and a family that lives a polygamist lifestyle. Hmm..maybe I should be more worried about my own Warped-ness.
16. Cloth or Disposables? Breast or Formula? Why is going green and going healthy so blasted time consuming and expensive and complicated? Is the world really going to go to hell if I buy a pack of Pampers?
17. Delivery Fear: I will go into labor in the middle of a ferocious snowstorm. DH will have to put me on a sled and drag me to the main road. and then hope like hell a dog sled team comes by to mush us on to the hospital.
18. Another Delivery Fear: DH will spend more time in the birthing suite checking the stockmarket and reading his email on his blackberry than he will paying attention to my ranting and raving about how this is all his fault. And when the baby is born, he will be more engrossed in emailing the good news to everyone that he will forget to remember that I JUST GAVE BIRTH and NEED HIM. Not because he is callous and cold and unloving, but because he is..well, let's face it, he is a guy. and he is ADD. and giving birth is a largely woman thing to do. and it probably scares him. Still, I might really kill him if this scenario comes true.

The Baby's Room

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 19:22:00 +0000

Preggo Pics

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:40:00 +0000

37 weeks pregnant..a beluga whale!

or, as I joked to DH..I look like a pregnant lesbian! Where did all my long hair go, you ask? We accepted an emergency placement of two toddlers a few months back (they were moved at the same time as Porkchop..back in November) who, unbeknownst to us, were crawling with headlice and had been that way for months prior to their removal. Trust me, it was a horrific experience...weeks of treatment on the kids and still the bugs kept coming...finally resolved it with buzz cuts for the kids. Only to discover that I had acquired the nasty things also! So, I opted for a buzz cut myself. There were only a few treatments we could do on me since i was pregnant, so it seemed wise to do a treatment and do the dramatic buzz job. Trust me, I actually have a TON of hair in this photo in comparison to what i looked like in the early summer.....

Still, when I went to vote this election season, baby bump belly and all, the volunteer at the townhall said to me (I kid you not) "Well young man, is this your first time voting?"

37 week ultrasound pictures!

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:33:00 +0000

psst...is anyone still out there?

if anyone is, here are the 37 week ultrasound pictures of our baby girl (a girl!!! how ironic after trying to adopt a boy for so long and failing!)

Baby Kennedy Marie is due on the 31st of this month..but I am hoping sooner, as I look and feel like a beluga whale....

according to the handy dandy pregnancy calendar, I should be nesting big time..but I did a lot of that after our foster baby moved on (long story, big heartbreak) and our household was reduced to just us and the two dogs again. But I will talk more about our foster care journey another time..right now it is still too raw and painful to talk about (our little guy has been gone two months and I still cry at the drop of a hat for him. after having him one year and expecting to adopt him...well, you can imagine)

anyway, the funky 3D ultrasound pics! I dunno guys, the kid looks a little sqaushed and goofy looking to me....LOL

hmm....I have a few more ultrasound pics and some pregnant me pics (shudder) but I will save those for another post.....I hope to post again tonight, as I do need some advice from you all...(those of you that are left, anyway!)

Ta for now, the one lone reader who is left out there! thanks for your patience..I know its been far too long between blog postings!

Surprise!

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 14:01:00 +0000

For those of you who have been following this blog from its inception (not sure anyone is left, what with my woefully inadeqaute blogging skills this past year), the expectation was that our first child would be adopted from Vietnam.

As we know, that is not going to happen.

When we fell into the crazy world of foster care, the thought was that we would adopt through the foster care system....

then we had to make the very difficult decision to not adopt Hoss and Little Joe. Hoss and Little Joe were with us for almost seven months. They were moved to a tribal foster home in January.

Porkchop came into our care in November at two and a half months of age. We accepted his placement as the expectation was that his parental rights would be terminated and we would be able to adopt him.

Long story that I can't get into (and makes me sick to my stomach, truthfully), but Porkchop's biomom has found a new boyfriend (21 years her senior) who has moved in with her along with his daugther and biomom is doing everything that she has been asked to do to have Porkchop returned to her. The expectation is that Porkchop will reunify with biomom within the next few months. It's a nightmare for a number of reasons I can't talk about, but the system is the system and it doesn't matter what I or the caseworker or the other service providers personally believe about her ability to parent him, what matters is she is meeting the laws requirements to have him returned to her.

As we have struggled to come to grips with the reality that Porkchop (barring anything major happening with his case) will be reunified with his biomom, we had a completely shocking turn of events in our own private lives.

Is everyone sitting down? Take a deep breath now, my friends....

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!

(Trust me, I took four pregnancy tests and even insisted on a blood test---- I am most certainly pregnant)

So now we are in a quandry as to what to do about Porkchop (I am soo exhausted, morning sickness is kicking my ass, and we financially can't afford to continue buying his formula and taking him every other week to the children's hospital for testing, not to mention he does not sleep through the night yet...let's just say we love that little boy with all our heart but he has a lot of needs and I am struggling to meet them at this point and still take care of myself) and what to do about our adoptive homestudy (which is, save for the physicals, all set to mail out to various caseworkers across the country who are trying to place children that we are interested in) ......

We are truly floored (and thrilled) to be having a baby biologically......but I am having a hard time letting go of our adoption plans and with taking care of a baby I love dearly who I know is going home to his biomom.......its really making it almost impossible to "enjoy" this unexpected pregnancy........

how does one balance all of this and make the right decisions? How in the world do I figure out what is most important to take care of and figure out what to let go of and what to keep trying to do?

Now I know that many women become pregnant while parenting young infants and toddlers and manage it just fine. And if Porkchop was ours, we would figure it all out. But he isn't our child, he is a foster child, and dealing with the system is difficult and exhausting...we have visitation schedules, home visits, service providers, we have to pay for a lot of things out of our own pocket that we are not reimbursed for or only partly reimbursed for......biomom only has to show up and play with him for a few hours, but we have to buy his formula (after WIC it still costs us 250 dollars a month) take him to see the GI specialist at a hospital that is ten hours a way and requires a three day trip (which we pay for out of pocket)...we have had two such trips in the last three weeks and another one coming up soon and more to follow......we hold him up at night so he can breathe easier and so his reflux problems are minimized.....

we love him and we want to do these things for him. we really do.

But can we keep doing it?

I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to enjoy getting ready for this baby we are having. I want to SLEEP......

I am at this point unable to do that as I am wrapped up in Porkchop's care and all those things that are involved in his "case." I deal with a sick crying baby for hours after every visit. A baby who doesnt' sleep well, who doesn't sleep for long when he does sleep, a baby that I would do anthing for and really have no right to make any decisions whatsover about his needs and his care because I am JUST A FOSTER MOM.

We have the option of having Porkchop moved to a new foster home while the courts work out his reunification.

There is a part of me that really wants to take that option, grieve the loss of our little porkchop, and then focus my time,energy, and attention on the pregnancy and our baby to be.

There is another part of me that can't bear the idea of having him moved for any reason and who wants to cling to the slim possibility that maybe something will fall apart for biomom and he will get to stay forever.....

The truth is he can be in foster care for up to 22 months before they have to make a definite move towards termination.

The truth is his biomom really is doing all that they ask of her (never mind that what they are asking is so ridiculously little it would make you sick) .

The truth is no matter what we do, he is going back to a horrible situation where he is going to get at best minimal care.

So, what do we do?

Maybe I am just so freaking exhausted right now and can't think straight and once this first trimester is over I will be more clear headed.

But, selfishly, I really do not want to have the memory of our first (and probably only) pregnancy and birth child to be one overwhelmed with the grief and loss of Porkchop.

BUT..how selfish is it to put Porkchop through another move?

Then again, how horrible is it that this system is not able to protect him and give him a good life?

I keep reminding myself that I didnt' put this darling baby in this situation..his biomom did..and it is the broken messed up system that is going to send him back to a horrible situation.

I hate that I can't protect him.

So, what do I DO????

IM PREGNANT!!!! .its great wonderful terrific news.....why doesn't it FEEL like it?

on a lighter note

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 00:24:00 +0000

"porkchop" our delightfully chubby foster son, is now 8 months old and is cruising around on all fours faster than the speed of light (well at least faster than I can keep up with him!) and, having figured out how to pull him up to a standing position the same day he decided to crawl, happily rearanging all of the books on our bookshelves, grabbing the remote off of the coffee table, and plotting to scale the sides of his exer yard/play pen contraption!

he has been pretty sick this month- we spent three days in the hospital thanks to dehydration and rotovirus- and continues to struggle with severe reflux, wheezing, and a never ending battle since the day he came to us with oral thrush, yeast infection in the diaper area, and ringworm. Still, he is such a trooper and has a smile that could cheer up even oscar the grouch!

Sleep continues to elude all of us, but we have managed to stretch sleep periods to four hours at night before he wakes up with a belly ache (rumbly tummy, as pooh bear would say!) and the crying that goes with such discomfort in the tummy region. He sleeps best propped up a bit in our arms (either we take shifts in the recliner or in the bed propping ourselves up in pillows and holding him propped in the crook of our arms) - the crib being nothing more than a nice piece of furniture in an equally nice nursery that is never visited by porkchop except for diaper changes and outfit changes. On the plus side, we all may be sleep deprived, but Porkchop is definitely a less anxious, more attached baby than he was five months ago!

Naps are starting to stretch out from 10 minutes to about 30- again, if he is held in my arms, he sleeps longer and better. lay him down in a crib and it is tears, reflux, and wheezing within ten minutes- if we make it that long.

We have an appointment with a pediatric GI in a couple of weeks at a well known children's hospital. here's hoping that we can get some answers to help little pork chop feel better. Luckily he is gaining weight, so at least that is not a worry at this time. Still, he can't eat solid foods yet (it all comes back up) and I am not sure how long a baby can exist on formula alone (expensive, stinky formula I might add. that stains everything. I have a real love/hate relationship going on with Nutramigen). I am anxious for the appointment time to be upon us, but dreading the ten hour trip to the specialist.

hey, maybe by then the snow will all be melted!

I wish I could post pictures, but since Porkchop is not our child, I simply can't. There is so much I would love to share with you all about Porkchop and our lifes as foster parents- but I am silenced by confidentiality and legal issues. I wish I knew what was ok to blog and what wasn't...hopefully I can figure that out soon so that I can come back to blogger land. I have missed all of you and hope that I can touch base with everyone of you via the net very soon!

I seriously need to update more often!

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 20:25:00 +0000

I can't believe I haven't updated this blog since Feb!!! Of course, I never expected life with a baby to be so emanding and exhausting.....still, I must try harder to get in blogging time.

This will be a short post, but I did want to let everyone know that we received a phone call from our international agency today. The situation in Vietnam does not look good, and they were checking to see what we wanted to do (given that we inquired a few months ago about a partial refund as it looked like we would adopt Hoss and Little Joe). R told the worker that, given the situation in vietnam and our current situation as foster parents that we might as well go ahead and pull our app and ask for a partial refund.

So, I guess that door, that dream, is now closed.

I am not sure how I feel about that. I guess I still had a lingering hope that it would all work out and we would adopt from Vietnam after all.

Now I am wondering where we go from here. If we will ever have a family. If I have the hutzpah necessary to keep fostering and deal with falling in love with a child that is not mine and very likely going to be reunified with his/her birthparent.

How in the world did we end up here? Doing the one thing we swore we had no interest in doing- foster care?

And now it looks like foster care adoption is the only viable option left to us.

I really do not know how I feel about any of it.

Yet Another Long Overdue Update

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 13:20:00 +0000

My deepest apologies to all of you who have read and commented on this blog in the past (is there anyone left out there?). For a number of reasons, I have been unable to post for a very long time. I also have been very neglectful in reading all of your wonderful blogs- believe me when I say I have missed you and your blogs terribly.

Hoss and Little Joe are now in a new foster home. They left about a week ago. We had six (almost 7) months with them and those months were a whirlwind of drama- both good and not so good. The boys did come up for adoption and we seriously considered adopting them into our family. It was a heart wrenching decision to make, but in the end we decided that adoption was not the best decision for either us or the boys. There were a number of factors that brought us to that difficult decision, many that I cannot blog about publicly. However, I can say that, while we saw tremendous progress with both boys during the first three or four months that they were here things began to get increasingly difficult as time went on. Truthfully, since my last blog post in October I have spent a majority of my time working with therapists, counselors, and special education teachers as we all tried to find a way to help the boys with their myriad of issues stemming from the abuse and neglect that they were subject to in their birth home. As time passed, and Little Joe turned 2, we began to see the emergence of more and more autistic- like behavior that alarmed and dismayed us. Hoss, on the other hand, was in intensive physical, occupational and speech therapy (I have logged in more hours at the hospital than I care to consider) that was slowly but surely helping him get closer to his chronoligical age developmentally. Unfortunately, we also endured some very difficult behavior problems with both boys, and were unable to "explain away" behaviors that, quite frankly, scared me to no end. Through the help of the boys' pediatrician, we were able to locate a therapist in the area who has a lot of experience working with children who have suffered trauma and who was qualified to diagnose Reactive Attachment Disorder. Hoss was diagnosed with RAD (he hit every marker for RAD but four that he is not old enough yet to exhibit).

A lot of soul searching, tears, research, and prayer went into our decision to let the boys go. The reality of parenting a child with RAD and a child on the autism spectrum, in conjunction with the abuse and neglect issues and the developmental delay issues both boys have, was a difficult reality to face. There are parents in this world, I know, who are able to rise to the challenge of the boys needs and have the resources to meet those needs.

The cold hard truth we had to face was that we are not those parents.

The boys left without a look backwards and I am told that they walked into their new home with smiles on their faces and hugs for the new family. After six months in our home, neither boy have asked for us, cried for us, or even mentioned us.

We, on the other hand, are working through our grief and struggling to find a way to forgive ourselves for not being the parents that the boys need or deserve. There is some comfort in knowing that we did, at the very least, help the boys become more like little boys who play and laugh and less like the lost, bewildered, beings that they were who had no idea who they were or how to interact in the world. We did, at the very least, get them the educational assistance that they so desperately needed, as well as the therapies necessary to help them with their fine and gross motor skills (including the braces for their feet they both really needed) and their language skills.

Ah, but they need and deserve so much more. So, in the final assessment, we must face the fact that we did, in the end, fail to meet their needs.

A tough, bitter pill to swallow.

our house is quiet, the toys that did not go with them are put away, and the only reminder that they were here is the framed Christmas photo on the mantle.

As for our Vietnam adoption, well, we did get the call to put our dossier together to send to Vietnam. At the time we got the call, we were still planning on adopting the boys, so we asked to have our application put on hold.

Right now, we are not sure where we are headed or what will happen next. There is a little five month old baby boy bouncing in an exersaucer nearby me that came to us at three months through the foster care system. [yes, for awhile there I had two high special needs toddlers and an infant to take care of. that, my friends is why I never blogged] At this point no one knows what the future holds for him, all we know is that he will be here for at least six months, probably more.

He does need us, and we can, at least in his case, meet his needs. We cannot, of course, send our dossier to Vietnam while we have a foster child in our home.

And how can I look into that adorable face- those big blue eyes and chubby cheeks - and send him away?

To read about abused and neglected children will tear at your heart. To live with the devasting effects of abuse and neglect will shatter your "love can fix anything" hopes, wear you out body and soul, and put your back together again into a person you never knew you could be- one who somehow holds onto the real hope that time, love, care, and hard work can make a difference while still holding on to the dark reality that there are children that have been so hurt, so damaged, that they will never completely bounce back. And the heavy burden of deciding how far one can go, how much one can do, and finally, when to let go is as much the reality of foster care as the exhilerating moments when a child, against all odds, hangs tough and reaches out to love and grow and trust in themselves, others, and the world again.

There are somethings in life, no matter how tough, that once you encounter them you cannot walk away from.

Right now, for us, that "something" is foster care.

And that enlivens me and frightens me terribly both at the same time.

So, we have not traveled far from my last post, have we? We still do not know what direction we are going, what will happen with our Vietnam adoption, and what our future holds.

Long Overdue Update

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 13:41:00 +0000

Yes, I know it has been eons since I last posted. If one was graded on one's blogging consistency, I would get a giant red F slashed across my blog.

But I do have a valid excuse. I think. Well, you will all be the judge of that, won't you?

The boys' mother appealed her voluntary termination of parental rights. An appeal hearing was held earlier this month. She successfully won her appeal (due to an error on the part of the court, not based on her written appeal, which basically said she felt pressured to do it and now regrets doing it) and so her parental rights were re-instated.

Not only did she appeal her termination on the very last day. she signed up for parenting classes, actually decided to attend the counseling sessions the court ordered for her ages ago, and began "acting out" in very alarming ways- a series of events that caused us to be concerned for the safety of the children- events that, for confidentiality reasons I could not, and cannot blog about {thus, the long silence on this blog} that resulted in a no contact order being put in place that requires the boys mom to not be anywhere near the boys, us, or have anyone initiate contact with the boys or us on her behalf. One particularly scary event involving the school has, hopefully, resulted in the school taking their security more seriously.

Knowing the nature of this case and the erratic behavior of the boys' mother, the court left the original TPR (termination of parental rights) trial on the court calendar. The trial took place earlier this month and R and I both attended. Again, for confidentiality reasons, I cannot go into details about the trial, but suffice it to say that both R and I found ourselves fighting back tears as we listened to the witnesses testify about the specifics of the abuse and neglect case. I wish I could say that I was filled with compassion for the boys' mother, but if I said that it would be a lie. I accept that life is messy and that she is very much a product of her own childhood and the circumstances of generational poverty. I also cannot excuse her for repeatedly refusing all the services and assistance offered to her and to the children that would have really helped her be a better parent and improved the economic conditions of their lives.

The trial took the better part of the day. The judge did not take a recess to make his decision. He made it on the spot. Her parental rights were terminated.

What happens now? Even though the boys' mother's rights have been terminated, there is still the matter of the parental rights of the boys' respective fathers. Hoss' father will, hopefully, relinquish his parental rights voluntarily. He is not able, nor does he desire, to have custody of Hoss(also, he is currently "back together" with the boys mother and they are, supposedly, working on having a girl this time). Little Joe's father is a little more tricky- the powers that be know who he might be, but are not certain. What will probably end up happening is that the court will file a "absent father" termination in Little Joe's case.

Once that is completed, the boys will be moved to the adoption unit and efforts will be made to find the boys a permanent family.

So, where does that leave R and I? We have decided we would like to adopt Hoss and Little Joe. In an ordinary case, we would be the preferred adoptive home for the boys, given that we are their current foster home and they have bonded with us.

This is not an ordinary case, however. Both boys are Native American. There is a federal law, the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA), that was created to provide safegaurds to keep native american children in native american homes. As a result, the standards for terminating the rights of a native american parent are much higher than the standards for non native parents (which should give you an indication of how bad things really were, for the boys' mom to lose her parental rights) and the placement requirements for Native American children are more restrictive-----As we are not Native American, we are the least preferred placement for the boys. If there is a native american home available to the boys anywhere in the country the boys would go there first. The emphasis is on the preservation of native culture over and above the emotional impact on the child to be removed from a foster family that they have bonded with and consider their family (especially in this case, as the boys are far too young to really have a sense of being foster kids etc.).

Please know that I am not in any way criticizing ICWA. I completely understand why the law was created and I do support the ultimate goal of the law- the preservation of native american families and culture.

This does not make it any easier for us, however. We do love the boys dearly. It is hard knowing that we basically have a snowballs chance in hell of adopting them. Is there some slim chance? yes. But it is slim.

still, we are going to try.

What then, does this mean for our vietnam adoption? At this point, we are still on the waiting list. We are reluctant to remove ourselves from the waiting list, as we know it is highly likely the boys will be adopted by a native american parent. It is a sticky situation however, as our contract with our agency stipulates that we will not pursue another adoption during this time (at this point we are technically not pursuing as the boys are not free for adoption until the fathers parental rights are relinquished/terminated) and that if we do adopt or become pregnant we will lose the money we have paid the agency and not be allowed to adopt a child from Vietnam.

Basically, we are in a horrible situation. We cannot adopt the boys and adopt a baby from Vietnam. If we try to adopt the boys and are unable to do so, we will suffer a double loss- the two boys AND the Vietnamese baby that we have dreamed of and worked so hard towards bringing home.

of least importance, but, since we are far from rich, still a concern: we will be out a lot of money. Money that we cannot easily pull together to attempt another adoption.

Well, there you have it. That is why I have been silent. That is what is going on.

I don't know what the hell to think, feel, or do.

What I do know is that these boys are amazing. Oh my. if you could only see how well they are doing! They are, as their attorney stated in his closing, true miracles. They are catching up so rapidly it takes our breath away. They have gone from two of the most seriously developmentally delayed children the social service agency has ever encountered to two little boys who are happy, active, and rapidly gaining ground in the areas of speech, fine and gross motor, and social skills.

And, if in the end, the memories of these boys and the blessing of being a part of their transformation is all we are left with---well, there will be some comfort in that. Enough, at least, to help us get back up on our feet and face whatever future we have heading our way.

Help! Anyone have experience with IEP?

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 14:12:00 +0000

At the end of Hoss' developmental clinic "marathon", I was handed prescriptions for OT, PT, and speech therapy that the team said he needed in addition to what he would receive in the ECDD classroom. OT once a week, PT three times a week, and speech three times a week. When I shared this information with Hoss' ECDD teacher (who I adore, by the way) she told me that the school does not "accept" assessments from the hospital and would have to do their own assessments. Further, we would not have time at his IEP meeting to "get into" discussions about such things, as we reallly needed to get his IEP signed and submitted before he started school on the 10th.

R took off of work last thursday in order to attend Hoss' IEP meeting with me - we both were unhappy with the idea that the school would not take into consideration what the clinic had to say (which included Hoss' pediatrician, btw) as well as a little put out that we were being "rushed' to get an IEP signed without an education plan that addresses Hoss needs adequately.

The meeting was...interesting. Hoss' community mental health worker, K, was there, as was Hoss' teacher, the teacher aide, and, for a brief period of time, the school speech therapist. The principal was not in attendance (strange, as an administrator is supposed to attend these, at least that has been my understanding of IEP laws), nor was there an OT or a PT in attendance.

Despite pressure to "wrap it up" as everyone had "somewhere to be", R and I kept asking questions and revisiting the clinic's assessment of Hoss and his needs. Hoss' community mental health worker also tried to gently pressure the teacher to "do better" than what she proposed: basically, no one on one speech, no one on one PT, and two fifteen minute group OT therapy sessions a month. The OT created this "plan" for Hoss without having seen him in over a year (she had observed him once, briefly, when Hoss was still in his mother's care and he was sporadically attending an Early On classroom) and without having done a proper assessment on him.

To sum it all up, after two hours, and some intense conversation, I said, firmly, "I am afraid I cannot sign this IEP. Hoss' clearly has some significant delays and clearly needs one on one attention in the areas of PT, OT, and speech."

I think I shocked everyone, including myself. Bold, really, for me to do that. But heck, the kid doesn't have anyone to stand up for him but us, and I really am NOT willing to accept the "oh he will get all he needs in the classroom along with everyone else. We don't do "one on one" here, we do everything in the classroom."

Again, I adore his teacher. I trust her completely with Hoss' care and know that she is a great teacher. I told her this. But I also know that there are 7 other special needs kids in his classroom who also have their own unique "issues" that need attention. Besides, these are 7 three year olds, simply managing a classroom of 7 three year olds is a tall order and takes up most of her time and her aide's time...how is it they are going to adequately address the needs of each child-- especially when they are only in class on monday and wednesday's, and one friday a month?????

I realize that I could very well just back off from the school and figure out how to get Hoss to therapy sessions at the hospital. Indeed, I probably will end up taking him to the hospital for at least one of the three therapies he needs (OT, PT, Speech)- probably PT, as he is getting fitted for something called SMO braces tomorrow for his feet/ankles and I suspect it will require some kind of PT oversight. However, he is three years old. He has school twice a week (and one Friday month) for the entire day. Two days a week he is at the preschool/daycare program (7:30am-5:30am). That leaves only three Friday's in the month that I could possibly schedule therapy at the hospital for him without having to pull him out of school or daycare. It is one half hour to the hospital, 45 minute session, and one half hour back home. Now, I suck at math, but that is a hell of a lot of time when you are talking about 3 sessions of speech, 3 sessions of Physical Therapy, and 1 session of OT a week. Not to mention that I also have Little Joe to take into consideration: he has Early On classroom one morning a week (monday, from 8:30 until 11:30), playgroup for two hours on Wednesday's (it might switch to Friday's though), and daycare on tuesday and thursday from 7:30-5:30. Oh, and according to the team that assessed him at the hospital he needs one on one speech and OT as well- OT twice a week and speech 3 times a week.

Little Joe's teacher (who is the subject of a whole other ranting post) is also blowing off the hospital's assesment of his needs and says that between the classroom experience, the playgroup, and one 30 minute OT session every other month in the home (and supposedly speech once a week in the home, but she has yet to schedule that with me), he will " be fine." I also got the now very tiring "Oh we don't listen to what the hospital says. we do our own assessments."

HELP!!! how the hell do I get these kids what they need? I can't possibly do all of these therapies at the hospital for both boys.....good grief, even if I could, Hoss is THREE YEARS OLD- when does he get time to dance around in his underwear while he watches the movie Annie (His current all time favorite movie)???? And Little Joe is not even 2 yet - is it fair to have his whole life eaten up with therapy and school?

The whole thing is stressing me out and pissing me off.

(a shout out to anyone out there that knows anything about SMO braces- please send me a private email at angelsunday@msn.com and let me know what to expect and, more importantly, tips on how to get this little guy to actually wear them. Also, anyone who wants to email me privately about some tips on the IEP fiasco, please do email me.)

On Haircuts, Parental Rights, and Developmental Delays

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 18:43:00 +0000

Yes, I know. I have not posted in ages. I apologize profusely. I have written a billion blog posts in my head, but when it comes to finding the time and energy to type them and post them, I just can't seem to get it done. I will be posting more often, as Hoss and Little Joe both start school programs soon (Hoss 2 full days a week; Little Joe one half day a week) and I have enrolled them in a local daycare/preschool for two days a week for socialization and to allow me to get some work done on our home business (I feel tremendous guilt about this, so I really do not need any snotty comments about how awful daycare is etc. please, have mercy on me. I am doing the best that I can).

The boys did get their haircut on Friday. It made a huge difference in their appearance- especially in Hoss, as the haircut we chose makes the back of his head look a little rounder. Due to concerns on some blog readers part about cultural reasons for not cutting hair, I checked again with all social worker's involved (including tribal) and was reassured that mom's reason for not cutting their hair was not cultural but a control issue. Mom's affective ties to her native american community are minimal and she, herself, does not even claim her identity as native american save for those instances where having a tribal membership card is benificial to her- medical care, dental care, etc. That being said, I made sure to not drastically alter the boys hairsytle or length- I simply had the hair dresser give Little Joe a "little boy" cut (and does he ever look CUTE) and Hoss a classic bowl cut (also very darn cute, and, again has the bonus of giving his head a rounder look in the back).

Little Joe and I had a four hour ordeal last week at the hospital's speciality FAS screening clinic. We were both exhausted (it cut directly into his nap time) by the time we were done.At one point he looked at the speech therapist, said "BYE", opened the exam room door, and left! Was very very funny! I am happy to report that the team at the clinic do not believe that Little Joe has FAS or FAE. He is, of course, developmentally delayed, particularily in language. They gave him a tentative diagnosis of "Pervasive Developmental Delay Not Otherwise Specified" (PDD-NOS). He does exhibit some autistic like behaviors, but no one can tell at this point if they are due to the neglect or abuse (children in orphanages display similiar behaviors) or if they have other origins. The plan at this point is to give him speech and occupational therapy and see what happens. There is a strong sense of optimism that the progress he has made while in our home will continue.

Two days after Little Joe's FAS clinic, Hoss and I trotted off to the hospital for a four and a half hour long developmental screening clinic. Hoss was such a great little trooper- he willingly went along with all of the tests and greeted everyone with a smile and "Hi!" When Hoss was originally seen by the doctor (about a month or two before Hoss came to live with us) who runs the clinic it was strongly suggested that Hoss was austitic and also possibly MR (mentally retarded). Well, our little man blew everyone away with the progess he has made- the consensus is that he is not autistic and it is highly unlikely that he is MR. We left that clinic without a diagnosis other than "developmental delays", recomendations for speech, OT, and PT, and a general "let's see what this kid can do" with therapy, stability, and time. Hoss does have extremely low muscle tone and "ligamentatous laxity" (in other words, his ligaments are "loose") and this accounts for a lot of the issues that affect his ability to walk, talk, run, use eating utensils, etc. The lack of eye contact at times is also related to this issue: the PT and OT explained to me that he isn't ignoring or avoiding eye contact so much as he has no clue where his body is in space and is constantly looking around to get a sense of where he is and maintain his balance. Also, his constant "limp noodle" routine when I, or anyone, tries to move him physically is not so much intentional/behavioral but related to this utter inability to sense where he is in space and maintain his balance- he is "hitting the floor" to get himself to feel on solid ground, and he is most likely crying b/c he basically feels like he is on a tilt a whirl most of the time. Hoss does need SMO braces for his feet (they are molded plastic that instert into his shoe and rise up above his ankles to stabilize his ankles and "force" him to stand properly, instead of pushing so hard into the ground with his feet to get a sense of where he is that his ankles are bending almost into the floor and his knees are turning inward). Hoss is definitely not going to like the braces, and I dread going through that transition with him- but the OT and PT made a strong case for his need for them and it sounds like a fight we need to take on.

In other news (and this is big news), Hoss and Little Joe's mom voluntarily relinquished her parental rights last thursday. [ if you were wondering how I finally was able to get their haircut, here is your answer!] She has 21 days to "retract", but she has to prove she has a good, and verifiable,reason: such as she was coerced or bribed. Simply saying "I changed my mind" will not do it.

Everyone involved in the case is very surprised that she stepped up and signed the papers. Recall that she has repeatedly "threatened" to do this in the past but never actually had gone through with it. I am not her biggest fan, but I am proud of her for making this move. I also recognize that is is an incredibly difficult thing to do- I cannot imagine how it must feel to make such a decision. I can only guess why she did it: to avoid the trial? to avoid the inevitable outcome of the trial? To 'do the right thing' for the boys, so that they can have a more stable life? Did she finally recognize that their needs were greater than the resources (familial, psychological, financial, cognitive) available to her to meet those needs? Perhaps she has wanted to do this all along,but didn't want the stigma associated with 'giving her kids away?" I really do not know, nor will I ever really know. It is a very sad situation, and, while we are relieved that the boys will not be going back into that home situation,we are also sad that the boys, and their mom, have come to this awful destination.

Mom will have a final good bye visit of one hour. It has not been scheduled yet, but will most likely take place in the next week or so. It is her right to have this visit, and I completely understand why this right exists, but I do dread it terribly. The boys are not going to understand what is happening and are going to be upset that everyone else is so upset. Mom is going to be highly dramatic and emotional- that is her nature and her pattern, apart from the fact that it is, by nature a high drama event. I think we are going to have two very confused, scared, little boys on our hands that day.

Mom did ask the social worker to have us take Little Joe to Walmart to get his picture taken so she can have pictures of him (he turns two in October) to remember him by. The social worker pointed out that she can't require us to do that, but I told the SW I was willing to do that if I could get it scheduled and done in time for the goodbye visit.

It does bother me that she did not ask for any photos to be taken of Hoss. It does not suprise me, given what I know about her clear preference for Little Joe and her almost complete dimissal/ dislike of Hoss, but it does bother me.

In completely unrelated news- but relevant to the original intent of the blog- referrals from Vietnam are so blankety blank slow right now that I fear Hoss and Little Joe will be entering puberty before we even get a call to get our paperwork ready. R and I are having a lot of conversations right now about what to do about the boys and about our vietnam adoption and have pretty much made our decision, but need to explore a few things first. I will let you all know once I know for sure what we are going to do!

Well, I have laundry to get folded and a few other boring household chores to attend to before I run to pick up the Bubbas from their first day in daycare: I will blog again on Thursday!

on Court and Hair Cuts

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 19:36:00 +0000

Mom did show up at the courthouse. She did not, of course, sign the voluntary termination paperwork. This does not surprise anyone involved. It did, however, tick a whole bunch of people off, including the judge. None of this, of course, is Mom's fault. It is the social worker's fault, the judge's fault, her lawyer's fault, her tribal representive's fault, etc. She demanded everyone be replaced and that she get better services. She has, of course, had every opportunity for every kind of service available to her from the state and from the tribe. She has yet to follow through on any apect of any one of her service plans throughout the years. Most certainly she has not complied with the service plan that was created to give her every opportunity to get her life together and regain custody of the boys.

The termination will continue and visitations with the boys are no longer going to happen. Mom will, however, have a month's worth of counseling (per her request for more help) and she can write letters to the boys that she will send to the social worker who will then pass them on to us.

As for the haircuts, I assure all of you that if her refusal to let the boys' hair be cut was a cultural one, I would be more than happy to take care of their hair, put it in braids, or maintain it in whatever traditional hair style was requested. The issue is not that their hair is particularily long, it is that their hair is long in some places and chopped short in others. Random places, mind you, not in any sort of style but rather as if someone (i.e. mom) clipped random locks of hair off as the boys ran (or rather tottered) by here while she sat at the kitchen table. Mom is not against haircuts for cultural reasons, but for bizarre control reasons- keep in mind that mom is decidedly not mentally healthy and has a real penchant for making up bizarre stories to garner attention and pity. She is convinced that nothing is wrong with the boys, that this is all the state and the tribe's fault. haircuts are one of the few areas of control she has over the boys' lives at this point and she is not going to budge one inch on that issue.

In other news, Hoss is really getting a hang of potty training and M&M's are a great motivator for him. He is also walking around the house singing "the Muffin Man" song and running up to us at random moments for hugs and declaring that "I happy." He has not bitten in while. [although he did pitch a collosal fit over a toy the other day, threw himself on the floor, and when I tried to step over him grabbed at my leg and then pushed me so that I fell into the wall, onto the floor, and tore my bad knee up something fierce. causing R to miss a day of work to take me to the doctor and to get xrays and my mother to come over to sit with the boys..ouch. ouch. and ouch.]

Little Joe is doing fine. Still no language and a lot of temper tantrums over seemingly NOTHING, but he is seeking out positive attention and cuddles from both of us and is starting to use some basic sign as opposed to screaming his head off when he wants/needs something. He was not at all bothered by the drama involved in my knee injury, he thought it was grand excitement and, upon my falling to the floor climbed up on my bad knee and, in Little Jo-ese, said "Giddy up." No way, cowboy. No giddy ups. No giddy ups ever again, if this knee doesn't stop hurting.

Let's hope that surgery is not in the cards, as I have no idea how I will do that and take care of these two kiddos. Not that I am doing that great of a job right now, limping around here with a swollen knee. ha.

Good Grief

angelsunday@msn.com (Kelly) — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 18:44:00 +0000

Hoss and Little Joe need haircuts. Badly.

It is going to take a miracle for that to happen.

I can change their diapers, bathe them, dress them, feed them, take them to the doctor, register them for daycare or school (Hoss will start a special education program in the fall), clip their fingernails and toenails, and brush their teeth. In fact, I am expected to do these things.

I cannot, however, cut their hair without birth mom's permission.

Which, past events have shown, is highly unlikely (read: when hell freezes over) to happen.

She apparently has a real issue with the boys' having their haircut. As in, she doesn't want their hair cut. Ever.

Unless she does it. mental image: boys with hair that looks like someone went mad with a pair of rusty hedge clippers.

Today the social worker called to tell me that the termination petition has been filed.

I am ashamed to admit that one of my first thoughts was this: "does this mean I can get their hair cut?"

Bigger news: mom has made a court date for tomorrow afternoon to voluntarily sign away her parental rights to both boys.

Will she show up? That is anybody's guess.

I will keep you all posted.

*** forgot to mention this. Hoss is working very hard to understand the concept of names. He still cannot answer the question "what is your name?" But he does ask it of us. repeatedly. At least, I think that is what he is asking us. We are both hoping that the speech therapy he will get in school will help him in this area. Poor kid, 3 years old, and can't tell you his name if you ask it. He can say his name, if you prompt him. but the question "What is your name?" throws him completely. He can, however, say with perfect clarity "Holy Shit." Go figure. Little Joe, on the other hand, says only "no no no" and "uhuh". He does, however, do a great imiation of a dog growl and will, if you aren't watching him carefully, crawl on his hands and knees to the dog bowl and eat out of it by bending his mouth down into the dish and grabbing at nuggets with his teeth. Gross. Very gross. I am trying to be postive about it and see it as a sign of imaginative play. Let's hope his early on intervention teacher sees it the same way.