Sugar and Spice- Our Journey to Parenthood

Moving on Over.....

2010-10-08T13:46:00.002-05:00

Psst....is there anyone left out here?

If so, i have started a new blog and would love to hear from you....

check me out at: http://trippingoverlittles.wordpress.com/

Kennedy Getting into Mischief!

2009-11-07T11:36:00.000-05:00

Boy o Boy

2009-11-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

Porkchop is now officially in our house full time...no more "transitioning" between his foster family and ours!

He is doing great..but is very "clingy" to me. and only me. which is, on one hand, absolutely WONDERFUL....

On the other hand..it is wearing me out. Porkchop does not want me to spend anytime with Kennedy at ALL.

Kinda hard to do since Kennedy is still nursing and is only 9 months old and is very much a mommy's girl herself.

DH just took him outside with a toy dump truck to give him some outdoor "daddy" time..and to give me a break...

I know we will eventually even out and find a good routine for our family....until then I guess I need to clone myself!

So much to think about.....

2009-11-06T15:10:00.003-05:00

Porkchop's SW called last week to ask us how we felt about having a type of "open adoption" agreement with his bio-mom (is that still the appropriate term?). According to the SW, Porkchop's GAL does not support reunification at this point (gee it took 2 years to come to that decision?) but is not "comfortable" with termination. However, if we were willing to be "open" then she would definitely be enthusiastic about termination.

Bio-mom's attorney is not so excited, as she pointed out (rightly) that an open adoption agreement is not legally enforcable.

Wondering if offering such an arrangement is a way for the "system" to avoid a trial and convince mom to relinquish her rights???? Seems pretty underhanded, to me.

Legally binding or not, such an agreement, is, in my mind, morally binding.

And I just dont' know how I feel about that.

Pondering Open Adoption

2009-11-02T21:02:00.003-05:00

does anyone have any thoughts on open adoption?

How would you define open adoption?

Would you want/not want an open adoption?

If the adoption was from foster care- would that change your views on OA or affect how "open" you would be willing to be?

For the 20th time tonight....

2009-11-02T20:43:00.001-05:00

I have read "Sheep in a Jeep"

I am beginning to think this is a stall tactic to avoid going to bed.

anyone want to rehaul my blog?

2009-11-02T14:02:00.002-05:00

sigh. I need to get back to blogging..I miss the friendships I formed while blogging and the support of fellow bloggers.
Trouble is this blog has been so woefully neglected that it needs a major rehaul..and I don't have the time to mess with it. I really truly don't....Kennedy is now 9 months and into everything, and Porkchop (I LOVE HAVING HIM BACK!) is transitioning to us and is now a busy 2 year old...so he needs and deserves a lot of time (plus he is a one boy wrecking crew and is dangerous around a keyboard!).....

my links are so outdated...anyone have new links for me to put up? suggestions about which links to take down?

GOTTA RUN..Kennedy just found the dog's water dish....ACK!! or should I say SPLASH?>!>!>!

Guess Who's Back?

2009-11-02T12:11:00.002-05:00

Porkchop! It's been a long, sad time without our little buddy...but he is back now! Porkchop is transitioning to our house as an adoptive placement! He will be with us fulltime starting on November 6th.....needless to say its been CRAZY! We moved to a new house AND found out he was back in care and that the plan was now ADOPTION!!!

Of course there is a bit of a long road ahead before adoption can take place...but at least he is back with us! Now we are hoping and praying that the court system does the right thing by him and terminates parental rights....

Porkchop is now 2 and a super busy guy! He is struggling a little bit with the transition, but overall it is going well...

I'm gonna be a bit naughty here and post a pic of him....but I can't leave it up for long, so hopefully there are a few readers out there who will get a glimpse of him before I have to yank it off.....

and still more pics....

2009-11-02T12:07:00.004-05:00

Long overdue: new pics of Kennedy!

2009-11-02T12:04:00.003-05:00

What I Have Learned So Far

2009-04-09T09:01:00.005-05:00

What I have learned about breastfeeding:

1. It takes a lot of time. and I do mean a LOT. the first few weeks all I did was breastfeed.

2. wearing a bra is pretty pointless...at least at first

3. I tend to obsess about my breasts all the time

4. engorgment hurts

5. the first five weeks were hell. painful, burning, hell

6. it is an amazing feeling to know that my body provides everything my little girl needs

7. the first time Kennedy was nursing and looked up at me and laughed (about a week ago) I cried. it was amazing. it made everything worth it.

7. I definitely get much less sleep nursing than I did bottle feeding porkchop.

8. Still, those late night snuggly nursing sessions are precious experiences

9. Bonus: thanks to breastfeeding, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight six weeks after giving birth

10. Downside: my body, even at pre-pregnacy weight, does not look the same. I am...shall we say...a bit "floppy" in the middle.

11. it is true what is said about breastfeeding and bonding.....I know I am going to be sad when it is time to wean

12. stretch marks on breasts are ugly. no way around that truth.

13. I feel like a human pacifier. I have tried every pacifier on the market, but Kennedy prefers me. or at least, my "girls."

Baby Pictures

2009-03-14T08:47:00.005-05:00

Welcome Baby!

2009-03-14T08:42:00.003-05:00

Kennedy Marie

born Febuary 1st, 2009

9:06 a.m.

8 pds 3 ozs

19 1/2 inches long

Random Thoughts from a Very Pregnant Woman

2009-01-14T15:34:00.003-05:00

1. how is it possible to crave grapefruit and popcorn...at the same time?
2. what if the ultrasound is wrong, and the baby is a BOY....will he grow up with gender identity disorder because his bedroom is pink? come to think of it, most of the clothes are pink or purple. I'm probably not going to sleep tonight thinking about this one.
3. Why is pink a girl color anyway?
4. What if the name we picked out doesn't fit? or worse, it fits, but it magically becomes the number one baby name of 2009...which defeats the purpose of why we picked it in the first place. we wanted different, but not too way out there. So far its been a largely popular pick among people we ask...but then maybe they are just being polite? maybe everyone hates the name and no one will tell us.
5. Related thought to #4- everyone has oohed and ahhed over the ultrasound pictures. what if everyone is really thinking "thank God that kid is not mine..that is one UGLY baby"
6. why do I keep checking the weather channel and moaning over how cold it is outside (some-teen below freaking zero, in case you were wondering) when I dont have any energy to go anywhere anyway?
7. Am I ever going to have any energy ever again?
8. Am I the only one who thinks it is ironic that the one "proven" DIY method of inducing labor is the very same activity that got me pregnant in the first place? I have read countless pregnancy and labor websites and messageboards and it is the consensus that one must DTD (do the deed) to both get pregnant and to kick off labor.
9. OTH, one of those websites had a poster who swore up and down that her OBGYN supported her choice to smoke marijuana in order to deal with her morning sickness and be able to eat food. And other posters chimed in to support the original poster. So maybe its not the most reliable source of information.
10. Its all a mute point anyway, since I have no energy to DTD.
11. Someone said eating pineapple helps. Maybe I will try that.
12. Why do random strangers feel it is ok to touch my belly?
13. Related to #12, what made this one person that I know think it was ok to touch both my belly and my BOOBS? as in, pull my shirt up and say "ooh let me see if your milk is about to come in...." and put cold hands on my stomach and say "ooh let me see if she is moving around...have you dropped anymore?"
14. Why is it my only response to the event reported in #13 was to stand there in shock and be speechless?
15. I wonder if my child will be forever warped because I have been watching Dexter and Big Love. If not warped, at least morally confused. I probably should be watching something mild and soothing, like Little House on the Prarie. Instead I am watching a series about a serial killer with a moral code and a family that lives a polygamist lifestyle. Hmm..maybe I should be more worried about my own Warped-ness.
16. Cloth or Disposables? Breast or Formula? Why is going green and going healthy so blasted time consuming and expensive and complicated? Is the world really going to go to hell if I buy a pack of Pampers?
17. Delivery Fear: I will go into labor in the middle of a ferocious snowstorm. DH will have to put me on a sled and drag me to the main road. and then hope like hell a dog sled team comes by to mush us on to the hospital.
18. Another Delivery Fear: DH will spend more time in the birthing suite checking the stockmarket and reading his email on his blackberry than he will paying attention to my ranting and raving about how this is all his fault. And when the baby is born, he will be more engrossed in emailing the good news to everyone that he will forget to remember that I JUST GAVE BIRTH and NEED HIM. Not because he is callous and cold and unloving, but because he is..well, let's face it, he is a guy. and he is ADD. and giving birth is a largely woman thing to do. and it probably scares him. Still, I might really kill him if this scenario comes true.

The Baby's Room

2009-01-14T14:22:00.010-05:00

Preggo Pics

2009-01-13T17:40:00.007-05:00

37 weeks pregnant..a beluga whale!

or, as I joked to DH..I look like a pregnant lesbian! Where did all my long hair go, you ask? We accepted an emergency placement of two toddlers a few months back (they were moved at the same time as Porkchop..back in November) who, unbeknownst to us, were crawling with headlice and had been that way for months prior to their removal. Trust me, it was a horrific experience...weeks of treatment on the kids and still the bugs kept coming...finally resolved it with buzz cuts for the kids. Only to discover that I had acquired the nasty things also! So, I opted for a buzz cut myself. There were only a few treatments we could do on me since i was pregnant, so it seemed wise to do a treatment and do the dramatic buzz job. Trust me, I actually have a TON of hair in this photo in comparison to what i looked like in the early summer.....

Still, when I went to vote this election season, baby bump belly and all, the volunteer at the townhall said to me (I kid you not) "Well young man, is this your first time voting?"

37 week ultrasound pictures!

2009-01-13T14:33:00.004-05:00

psst...is anyone still out there?

if anyone is, here are the 37 week ultrasound pictures of our baby girl (a girl!!! how ironic after trying to adopt a boy for so long and failing!)

Baby Kennedy Marie is due on the 31st of this month..but I am hoping sooner, as I look and feel like a beluga whale....

according to the handy dandy pregnancy calendar, I should be nesting big time..but I did a lot of that after our foster baby moved on (long story, big heartbreak) and our household was reduced to just us and the two dogs again. But I will talk more about our foster care journey another time..right now it is still too raw and painful to talk about (our little guy has been gone two months and I still cry at the drop of a hat for him. after having him one year and expecting to adopt him...well, you can imagine)

anyway, the funky 3D ultrasound pics! I dunno guys, the kid looks a little sqaushed and goofy looking to me....LOL

hmm....I have a few more ultrasound pics and some pregnant me pics (shudder) but I will save those for another post.....I hope to post again tonight, as I do need some advice from you all...(those of you that are left, anyway!)

Ta for now, the one lone reader who is left out there! thanks for your patience..I know its been far too long between blog postings!

Surprise!

2008-06-04T09:01:00.002-05:00

For those of you who have been following this blog from its inception (not sure anyone is left, what with my woefully inadeqaute blogging skills this past year), the expectation was that our first child would be adopted from Vietnam.

As we know, that is not going to happen.

When we fell into the crazy world of foster care, the thought was that we would adopt through the foster care system....

then we had to make the very difficult decision to not adopt Hoss and Little Joe. Hoss and Little Joe were with us for almost seven months. They were moved to a tribal foster home in January.

Porkchop came into our care in November at two and a half months of age. We accepted his placement as the expectation was that his parental rights would be terminated and we would be able to adopt him.

Long story that I can't get into (and makes me sick to my stomach, truthfully), but Porkchop's biomom has found a new boyfriend (21 years her senior) who has moved in with her along with his daugther and biomom is doing everything that she has been asked to do to have Porkchop returned to her. The expectation is that Porkchop will reunify with biomom within the next few months. It's a nightmare for a number of reasons I can't talk about, but the system is the system and it doesn't matter what I or the caseworker or the other service providers personally believe about her ability to parent him, what matters is she is meeting the laws requirements to have him returned to her.

As we have struggled to come to grips with the reality that Porkchop (barring anything major happening with his case) will be reunified with his biomom, we had a completely shocking turn of events in our own private lives.

Is everyone sitting down? Take a deep breath now, my friends....

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!

(Trust me, I took four pregnancy tests and even insisted on a blood test---- I am most certainly pregnant)

So now we are in a quandry as to what to do about Porkchop (I am soo exhausted, morning sickness is kicking my ass, and we financially can't afford to continue buying his formula and taking him every other week to the children's hospital for testing, not to mention he does not sleep through the night yet...let's just say we love that little boy with all our heart but he has a lot of needs and I am struggling to meet them at this point and still take care of myself) and what to do about our adoptive homestudy (which is, save for the physicals, all set to mail out to various caseworkers across the country who are trying to place children that we are interested in) ......

We are truly floored (and thrilled) to be having a baby biologically......but I am having a hard time letting go of our adoption plans and with taking care of a baby I love dearly who I know is going home to his biomom.......its really making it almost impossible to "enjoy" this unexpected pregnancy........

how does one balance all of this and make the right decisions? How in the world do I figure out what is most important to take care of and figure out what to let go of and what to keep trying to do?

Now I know that many women become pregnant while parenting young infants and toddlers and manage it just fine. And if Porkchop was ours, we would figure it all out. But he isn't our child, he is a foster child, and dealing with the system is difficult and exhausting...we have visitation schedules, home visits, service providers, we have to pay for a lot of things out of our own pocket that we are not reimbursed for or only partly reimbursed for......biomom only has to show up and play with him for a few hours, but we have to buy his formula (after WIC it still costs us 250 dollars a month) take him to see the GI specialist at a hospital that is ten hours a way and requires a three day trip (which we pay for out of pocket)...we have had two such trips in the last three weeks and another one coming up soon and more to follow......we hold him up at night so he can breathe easier and so his reflux problems are minimized.....

we love him and we want to do these things for him. we really do.

But can we keep doing it?

I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to enjoy getting ready for this baby we are having. I want to SLEEP......

I am at this point unable to do that as I am wrapped up in Porkchop's care and all those things that are involved in his "case." I deal with a sick crying baby for hours after every visit. A baby who doesnt' sleep well, who doesn't sleep for long when he does sleep, a baby that I would do anthing for and really have no right to make any decisions whatsover about his needs and his care because I am JUST A FOSTER MOM.

We have the option of having Porkchop moved to a new foster home while the courts work out his reunification.

There is a part of me that really wants to take that option, grieve the loss of our little porkchop, and then focus my time,energy, and attention on the pregnancy and our baby to be.

There is another part of me that can't bear the idea of having him moved for any reason and who wants to cling to the slim possibility that maybe something will fall apart for biomom and he will get to stay forever.....

The truth is he can be in foster care for up to 22 months before they have to make a definite move towards termination.

The truth is his biomom really is doing all that they ask of her (never mind that what they are asking is so ridiculously little it would make you sick) .

The truth is no matter what we do, he is going back to a horrible situation where he is going to get at best minimal care.

So, what do we do?

Maybe I am just so freaking exhausted right now and can't think straight and once this first trimester is over I will be more clear headed.

But, selfishly, I really do not want to have the memory of our first (and probably only) pregnancy and birth child to be one overwhelmed with the grief and loss of Porkchop.

BUT..how selfish is it to put Porkchop through another move?

Then again, how horrible is it that this system is not able to protect him and give him a good life?

I keep reminding myself that I didnt' put this darling baby in this situation..his biomom did..and it is the broken messed up system that is going to send him back to a horrible situation.

I hate that I can't protect him.

So, what do I DO????

IM PREGNANT!!!! .its great wonderful terrific news.....why doesn't it FEEL like it?

on a lighter note

2008-04-27T19:24:00.002-05:00

"porkchop" our delightfully chubby foster son, is now 8 months old and is cruising around on all fours faster than the speed of light (well at least faster than I can keep up with him!) and, having figured out how to pull him up to a standing position the same day he decided to crawl, happily rearanging all of the books on our bookshelves, grabbing the remote off of the coffee table, and plotting to scale the sides of his exer yard/play pen contraption!

he has been pretty sick this month- we spent three days in the hospital thanks to dehydration and rotovirus- and continues to struggle with severe reflux, wheezing, and a never ending battle since the day he came to us with oral thrush, yeast infection in the diaper area, and ringworm. Still, he is such a trooper and has a smile that could cheer up even oscar the grouch!

Sleep continues to elude all of us, but we have managed to stretch sleep periods to four hours at night before he wakes up with a belly ache (rumbly tummy, as pooh bear would say!) and the crying that goes with such discomfort in the tummy region. He sleeps best propped up a bit in our arms (either we take shifts in the recliner or in the bed propping ourselves up in pillows and holding him propped in the crook of our arms) - the crib being nothing more than a nice piece of furniture in an equally nice nursery that is never visited by porkchop except for diaper changes and outfit changes. On the plus side, we all may be sleep deprived, but Porkchop is definitely a less anxious, more attached baby than he was five months ago!

Naps are starting to stretch out from 10 minutes to about 30- again, if he is held in my arms, he sleeps longer and better. lay him down in a crib and it is tears, reflux, and wheezing within ten minutes- if we make it that long.

We have an appointment with a pediatric GI in a couple of weeks at a well known children's hospital. here's hoping that we can get some answers to help little pork chop feel better. Luckily he is gaining weight, so at least that is not a worry at this time. Still, he can't eat solid foods yet (it all comes back up) and I am not sure how long a baby can exist on formula alone (expensive, stinky formula I might add. that stains everything. I have a real love/hate relationship going on with Nutramigen). I am anxious for the appointment time to be upon us, but dreading the ten hour trip to the specialist.

hey, maybe by then the snow will all be melted!

I wish I could post pictures, but since Porkchop is not our child, I simply can't. There is so much I would love to share with you all about Porkchop and our lifes as foster parents- but I am silenced by confidentiality and legal issues. I wish I knew what was ok to blog and what wasn't...hopefully I can figure that out soon so that I can come back to blogger land. I have missed all of you and hope that I can touch base with everyone of you via the net very soon!

I seriously need to update more often!

2008-04-25T15:25:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I haven't updated this blog since Feb!!! Of course, I never expected life with a baby to be so emanding and exhausting.....still, I must try harder to get in blogging time.

This will be a short post, but I did want to let everyone know that we received a phone call from our international agency today. The situation in Vietnam does not look good, and they were checking to see what we wanted to do (given that we inquired a few months ago about a partial refund as it looked like we would adopt Hoss and Little Joe). R told the worker that, given the situation in vietnam and our current situation as foster parents that we might as well go ahead and pull our app and ask for a partial refund.

So, I guess that door, that dream, is now closed.

I am not sure how I feel about that. I guess I still had a lingering hope that it would all work out and we would adopt from Vietnam after all.

Now I am wondering where we go from here. If we will ever have a family. If I have the hutzpah necessary to keep fostering and deal with falling in love with a child that is not mine and very likely going to be reunified with his/her birthparent.

How in the world did we end up here? Doing the one thing we swore we had no interest in doing- foster care?

And now it looks like foster care adoption is the only viable option left to us.

I really do not know how I feel about any of it.

Yet Another Long Overdue Update

2008-02-05T08:20:00.000-05:00

My deepest apologies to all of you who have read and commented on this blog in the past (is there anyone left out there?). For a number of reasons, I have been unable to post for a very long time. I also have been very neglectful in reading all of your wonderful blogs- believe me when I say I have missed you and your blogs terribly.

Hoss and Little Joe are now in a new foster home. They left about a week ago. We had six (almost 7) months with them and those months were a whirlwind of drama- both good and not so good. The boys did come up for adoption and we seriously considered adopting them into our family. It was a heart wrenching decision to make, but in the end we decided that adoption was not the best decision for either us or the boys. There were a number of factors that brought us to that difficult decision, many that I cannot blog about publicly. However, I can say that, while we saw tremendous progress with both boys during the first three or four months that they were here things began to get increasingly difficult as time went on. Truthfully, since my last blog post in October I have spent a majority of my time working with therapists, counselors, and special education teachers as we all tried to find a way to help the boys with their myriad of issues stemming from the abuse and neglect that they were subject to in their birth home. As time passed, and Little Joe turned 2, we began to see the emergence of more and more autistic- like behavior that alarmed and dismayed us. Hoss, on the other hand, was in intensive physical, occupational and speech therapy (I have logged in more hours at the hospital than I care to consider) that was slowly but surely helping him get closer to his chronoligical age developmentally. Unfortunately, we also endured some very difficult behavior problems with both boys, and were unable to "explain away" behaviors that, quite frankly, scared me to no end. Through the help of the boys' pediatrician, we were able to locate a therapist in the area who has a lot of experience working with children who have suffered trauma and who was qualified to diagnose Reactive Attachment Disorder. Hoss was diagnosed with RAD (he hit every marker for RAD but four that he is not old enough yet to exhibit).

A lot of soul searching, tears, research, and prayer went into our decision to let the boys go. The reality of parenting a child with RAD and a child on the autism spectrum, in conjunction with the abuse and neglect issues and the developmental delay issues both boys have, was a difficult reality to face. There are parents in this world, I know, who are able to rise to the challenge of the boys needs and have the resources to meet those needs.

The cold hard truth we had to face was that we are not those parents.

The boys left without a look backwards and I am told that they walked into their new home with smiles on their faces and hugs for the new family. After six months in our home, neither boy have asked for us, cried for us, or even mentioned us.

We, on the other hand, are working through our grief and struggling to find a way to forgive ourselves for not being the parents that the boys need or deserve. There is some comfort in knowing that we did, at the very least, help the boys become more like little boys who play and laugh and less like the lost, bewildered, beings that they were who had no idea who they were or how to interact in the world. We did, at the very least, get them the educational assistance that they so desperately needed, as well as the therapies necessary to help them with their fine and gross motor skills (including the braces for their feet they both really needed) and their language skills.

Ah, but they need and deserve so much more. So, in the final assessment, we must face the fact that we did, in the end, fail to meet their needs.

A tough, bitter pill to swallow.

our house is quiet, the toys that did not go with them are put away, and the only reminder that they were here is the framed Christmas photo on the mantle.

As for our Vietnam adoption, well, we did get the call to put our dossier together to send to Vietnam. At the time we got the call, we were still planning on adopting the boys, so we asked to have our application put on hold.

Right now, we are not sure where we are headed or what will happen next. There is a little five month old baby boy bouncing in an exersaucer nearby me that came to us at three months through the foster care system. [yes, for awhile there I had two high special needs toddlers and an infant to take care of. that, my friends is why I never blogged] At this point no one knows what the future holds for him, all we know is that he will be here for at least six months, probably more.

He does need us, and we can, at least in his case, meet his needs. We cannot, of course, send our dossier to Vietnam while we have a foster child in our home.

And how can I look into that adorable face- those big blue eyes and chubby cheeks - and send him away?

To read about abused and neglected children will tear at your heart. To live with the devasting effects of abuse and neglect will shatter your "love can fix anything" hopes, wear you out body and soul, and put your back together again into a person you never knew you could be- one who somehow holds onto the real hope that time, love, care, and hard work can make a difference while still holding on to the dark reality that there are children that have been so hurt, so damaged, that they will never completely bounce back. And the heavy burden of deciding how far one can go, how much one can do, and finally, when to let go is as much the reality of foster care as the exhilerating moments when a child, against all odds, hangs tough and reaches out to love and grow and trust in themselves, others, and the world again.

There are somethings in life, no matter how tough, that once you encounter them you cannot walk away from.

Right now, for us, that "something" is foster care.

And that enlivens me and frightens me terribly both at the same time.

So, we have not traveled far from my last post, have we? We still do not know what direction we are going, what will happen with our Vietnam adoption, and what our future holds.

Long Overdue Update

2007-10-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know it has been eons since I last posted. If one was graded on one's blogging consistency, I would get a giant red F slashed across my blog.

But I do have a valid excuse. I think. Well, you will all be the judge of that, won't you?

The boys' mother appealed her voluntary termination of parental rights. An appeal hearing was held earlier this month. She successfully won her appeal (due to an error on the part of the court, not based on her written appeal, which basically said she felt pressured to do it and now regrets doing it) and so her parental rights were re-instated.

Not only did she appeal her termination on the very last day. she signed up for parenting classes, actually decided to attend the counseling sessions the court ordered for her ages ago, and began "acting out" in very alarming ways- a series of events that caused us to be concerned for the safety of the children- events that, for confidentiality reasons I could not, and cannot blog about {thus, the long silence on this blog} that resulted in a no contact order being put in place that requires the boys mom to not be anywhere near the boys, us, or have anyone initiate contact with the boys or us on her behalf. One particularly scary event involving the school has, hopefully, resulted in the school taking their security more seriously.

Knowing the nature of this case and the erratic behavior of the boys' mother, the court left the original TPR (termination of parental rights) trial on the court calendar. The trial took place earlier this month and R and I both attended. Again, for confidentiality reasons, I cannot go into details about the trial, but suffice it to say that both R and I found ourselves fighting back tears as we listened to the witnesses testify about the specifics of the abuse and neglect case. I wish I could say that I was filled with compassion for the boys' mother, but if I said that it would be a lie. I accept that life is messy and that she is very much a product of her own childhood and the circumstances of generational poverty. I also cannot excuse her for repeatedly refusing all the services and assistance offered to her and to the children that would have really helped her be a better parent and improved the economic conditions of their lives.

The trial took the better part of the day. The judge did not take a recess to make his decision. He made it on the spot. Her parental rights were terminated.

What happens now? Even though the boys' mother's rights have been terminated, there is still the matter of the parental rights of the boys' respective fathers. Hoss' father will, hopefully, relinquish his parental rights voluntarily. He is not able, nor does he desire, to have custody of Hoss(also, he is currently "back together" with the boys mother and they are, supposedly, working on having a girl this time). Little Joe's father is a little more tricky- the powers that be know who he might be, but are not certain. What will probably end up happening is that the court will file a "absent father" termination in Little Joe's case.

Once that is completed, the boys will be moved to the adoption unit and efforts will be made to find the boys a permanent family.

So, where does that leave R and I? We have decided we would like to adopt Hoss and Little Joe. In an ordinary case, we would be the preferred adoptive home for the boys, given that we are their current foster home and they have bonded with us.

This is not an ordinary case, however. Both boys are Native American. There is a federal law, the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA), that was created to provide safegaurds to keep native american children in native american homes. As a result, the standards for terminating the rights of a native american parent are much higher than the standards for non native parents (which should give you an indication of how bad things really were, for the boys' mom to lose her parental rights) and the placement requirements for Native American children are more restrictive-----As we are not Native American, we are the least preferred placement for the boys. If there is a native american home available to the boys anywhere in the country the boys would go there first. The emphasis is on the preservation of native culture over and above the emotional impact on the child to be removed from a foster family that they have bonded with and consider their family (especially in this case, as the boys are far too young to really have a sense of being foster kids etc.).

Please know that I am not in any way criticizing ICWA. I completely understand why the law was created and I do support the ultimate goal of the law- the preservation of native american families and culture.

This does not make it any easier for us, however. We do love the boys dearly. It is hard knowing that we basically have a snowballs chance in hell of adopting them. Is there some slim chance? yes. But it is slim.

still, we are going to try.

What then, does this mean for our vietnam adoption? At this point, we are still on the waiting list. We are reluctant to remove ourselves from the waiting list, as we know it is highly likely the boys will be adopted by a native american parent. It is a sticky situation however, as our contract with our agency stipulates that we will not pursue another adoption during this time (at this point we are technically not pursuing as the boys are not free for adoption until the fathers parental rights are relinquished/terminated) and that if we do adopt or become pregnant we will lose the money we have paid the agency and not be allowed to adopt a child from Vietnam.

Basically, we are in a horrible situation. We cannot adopt the boys and adopt a baby from Vietnam. If we try to adopt the boys and are unable to do so, we will suffer a double loss- the two boys AND the Vietnamese baby that we have dreamed of and worked so hard towards bringing home.

of least importance, but, since we are far from rich, still a concern: we will be out a lot of money. Money that we cannot easily pull together to attempt another adoption.

Well, there you have it. That is why I have been silent. That is what is going on.

I don't know what the hell to think, feel, or do.

What I do know is that these boys are amazing. Oh my. if you could only see how well they are doing! They are, as their attorney stated in his closing, true miracles. They are catching up so rapidly it takes our breath away. They have gone from two of the most seriously developmentally delayed children the social service agency has ever encountered to two little boys who are happy, active, and rapidly gaining ground in the areas of speech, fine and gross motor, and social skills.

And, if in the end, the memories of these boys and the blessing of being a part of their transformation is all we are left with---well, there will be some comfort in that. Enough, at least, to help us get back up on our feet and face whatever future we have heading our way.

Help! Anyone have experience with IEP?

2007-09-10T09:12:00.000-05:00

At the end of Hoss' developmental clinic "marathon", I was handed prescriptions for OT, PT, and speech therapy that the team said he needed in addition to what he would receive in the ECDD classroom. OT once a week, PT three times a week, and speech three times a week. When I shared this information with Hoss' ECDD teacher (who I adore, by the way) she told me that the school does not "accept" assessments from the hospital and would have to do their own assessments. Further, we would not have time at his IEP meeting to "get into" discussions about such things, as we reallly needed to get his IEP signed and submitted before he started school on the 10th.

R took off of work last thursday in order to attend Hoss' IEP meeting with me - we both were unhappy with the idea that the school would not take into consideration what the clinic had to say (which included Hoss' pediatrician, btw) as well as a little put out that we were being "rushed' to get an IEP signed without an education plan that addresses Hoss needs adequately.

The meeting was...interesting. Hoss' community mental health worker, K, was there, as was Hoss' teacher, the teacher aide, and, for a brief period of time, the school speech therapist. The principal was not in attendance (strange, as an administrator is supposed to attend these, at least that has been my understanding of IEP laws), nor was there an OT or a PT in attendance.

Despite pressure to "wrap it up" as everyone had "somewhere to be", R and I kept asking questions and revisiting the clinic's assessment of Hoss and his needs. Hoss' community mental health worker also tried to gently pressure the teacher to "do better" than what she proposed: basically, no one on one speech, no one on one PT, and two fifteen minute group OT therapy sessions a month. The OT created this "plan" for Hoss without having seen him in over a year (she had observed him once, briefly, when Hoss was still in his mother's care and he was sporadically attending an Early On classroom) and without having done a proper assessment on him.

To sum it all up, after two hours, and some intense conversation, I said, firmly, "I am afraid I cannot sign this IEP. Hoss' clearly has some significant delays and clearly needs one on one attention in the areas of PT, OT, and speech."

I think I shocked everyone, including myself. Bold, really, for me to do that. But heck, the kid doesn't have anyone to stand up for him but us, and I really am NOT willing to accept the "oh he will get all he needs in the classroom along with everyone else. We don't do "one on one" here, we do everything in the classroom."

Again, I adore his teacher. I trust her completely with Hoss' care and know that she is a great teacher. I told her this. But I also know that there are 7 other special needs kids in his classroom who also have their own unique "issues" that need attention. Besides, these are 7 three year olds, simply managing a classroom of 7 three year olds is a tall order and takes up most of her time and her aide's time...how is it they are going to adequately address the needs of each child-- especially when they are only in class on monday and wednesday's, and one friday a month?????

I realize that I could very well just back off from the school and figure out how to get Hoss to therapy sessions at the hospital. Indeed, I probably will end up taking him to the hospital for at least one of the three therapies he needs (OT, PT, Speech)- probably PT, as he is getting fitted for something called SMO braces tomorrow for his feet/ankles and I suspect it will require some kind of PT oversight. However, he is three years old. He has school twice a week (and one Friday month) for the entire day. Two days a week he is at the preschool/daycare program (7:30am-5:30am). That leaves only three Friday's in the month that I could possibly schedule therapy at the hospital for him without having to pull him out of school or daycare. It is one half hour to the hospital, 45 minute session, and one half hour back home. Now, I suck at math, but that is a hell of a lot of time when you are talking about 3 sessions of speech, 3 sessions of Physical Therapy, and 1 session of OT a week. Not to mention that I also have Little Joe to take into consideration: he has Early On classroom one morning a week (monday, from 8:30 until 11:30), playgroup for two hours on Wednesday's (it might switch to Friday's though), and daycare on tuesday and thursday from 7:30-5:30. Oh, and according to the team that assessed him at the hospital he needs one on one speech and OT as well- OT twice a week and speech 3 times a week.

Little Joe's teacher (who is the subject of a whole other ranting post) is also blowing off the hospital's assesment of his needs and says that between the classroom experience, the playgroup, and one 30 minute OT session every other month in the home (and supposedly speech once a week in the home, but she has yet to schedule that with me), he will " be fine." I also got the now very tiring "Oh we don't listen to what the hospital says. we do our own assessments."

HELP!!! how the hell do I get these kids what they need? I can't possibly do all of these therapies at the hospital for both boys.....good grief, even if I could, Hoss is THREE YEARS OLD- when does he get time to dance around in his underwear while he watches the movie Annie (His current all time favorite movie)???? And Little Joe is not even 2 yet - is it fair to have his whole life eaten up with therapy and school?

The whole thing is stressing me out and pissing me off.

(a shout out to anyone out there that knows anything about SMO braces- please send me a private email at angelsunday@msn.com and let me know what to expect and, more importantly, tips on how to get this little guy to actually wear them. Also, anyone who wants to email me privately about some tips on the IEP fiasco, please do email me.)

On Haircuts, Parental Rights, and Developmental Delays

2007-09-04T13:43:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know. I have not posted in ages. I apologize profusely. I have written a billion blog posts in my head, but when it comes to finding the time and energy to type them and post them, I just can't seem to get it done. I will be posting more often, as Hoss and Little Joe both start school programs soon (Hoss 2 full days a week; Little Joe one half day a week) and I have enrolled them in a local daycare/preschool for two days a week for socialization and to allow me to get some work done on our home business (I feel tremendous guilt about this, so I really do not need any snotty comments about how awful daycare is etc. please, have mercy on me. I am doing the best that I can).

The boys did get their haircut on Friday. It made a huge difference in their appearance- especially in Hoss, as the haircut we chose makes the back of his head look a little rounder. Due to concerns on some blog readers part about cultural reasons for not cutting hair, I checked again with all social worker's involved (including tribal) and was reassured that mom's reason for not cutting their hair was not cultural but a control issue. Mom's affective ties to her native american community are minimal and she, herself, does not even claim her identity as native american save for those instances where having a tribal membership card is benificial to her- medical care, dental care, etc. That being said, I made sure to not drastically alter the boys hairsytle or length- I simply had the hair dresser give Little Joe a "little boy" cut (and does he ever look CUTE) and Hoss a classic bowl cut (also very darn cute, and, again has the bonus of giving his head a rounder look in the back).

Little Joe and I had a four hour ordeal last week at the hospital's speciality FAS screening clinic. We were both exhausted (it cut directly into his nap time) by the time we were done.At one point he looked at the speech therapist, said "BYE", opened the exam room door, and left! Was very very funny! I am happy to report that the team at the clinic do not believe that Little Joe has FAS or FAE. He is, of course, developmentally delayed, particularily in language. They gave him a tentative diagnosis of "Pervasive Developmental Delay Not Otherwise Specified" (PDD-NOS). He does exhibit some autistic like behaviors, but no one can tell at this point if they are due to the neglect or abuse (children in orphanages display similiar behaviors) or if they have other origins. The plan at this point is to give him speech and occupational therapy and see what happens. There is a strong sense of optimism that the progress he has made while in our home will continue.

Two days after Little Joe's FAS clinic, Hoss and I trotted off to the hospital for a four and a half hour long developmental screening clinic. Hoss was such a great little trooper- he willingly went along with all of the tests and greeted everyone with a smile and "Hi!" When Hoss was originally seen by the doctor (about a month or two before Hoss came to live with us) who runs the clinic it was strongly suggested that Hoss was austitic and also possibly MR (mentally retarded). Well, our little man blew everyone away with the progess he has made- the consensus is that he is not autistic and it is highly unlikely that he is MR. We left that clinic without a diagnosis other than "developmental delays", recomendations for speech, OT, and PT, and a general "let's see what this kid can do" with therapy, stability, and time. Hoss does have extremely low muscle tone and "ligamentatous laxity" (in other words, his ligaments are "loose") and this accounts for a lot of the issues that affect his ability to walk, talk, run, use eating utensils, etc. The lack of eye contact at times is also related to this issue: the PT and OT explained to me that he isn't ignoring or avoiding eye contact so much as he has no clue where his body is in space and is constantly looking around to get a sense of where he is and maintain his balance. Also, his constant "limp noodle" routine when I, or anyone, tries to move him physically is not so much intentional/behavioral but related to this utter inability to sense where he is in space and maintain his balance- he is "hitting the floor" to get himself to feel on solid ground, and he is most likely crying b/c he basically feels like he is on a tilt a whirl most of the time. Hoss does need SMO braces for his feet (they are molded plastic that instert into his shoe and rise up above his ankles to stabilize his ankles and "force" him to stand properly, instead of pushing so hard into the ground with his feet to get a sense of where he is that his ankles are bending almost into the floor and his knees are turning inward). Hoss is definitely not going to like the braces, and I dread going through that transition with him- but the OT and PT made a strong case for his need for them and it sounds like a fight we need to take on.

In other news (and this is big news), Hoss and Little Joe's mom voluntarily relinquished her parental rights last thursday. [ if you were wondering how I finally was able to get their haircut, here is your answer!] She has 21 days to "retract", but she has to prove she has a good, and verifiable,reason: such as she was coerced or bribed. Simply saying "I changed my mind" will not do it.

Everyone involved in the case is very surprised that she stepped up and signed the papers. Recall that she has repeatedly "threatened" to do this in the past but never actually had gone through with it. I am not her biggest fan, but I am proud of her for making this move. I also recognize that is is an incredibly difficult thing to do- I cannot imagine how it must feel to make such a decision. I can only guess why she did it: to avoid the trial? to avoid the inevitable outcome of the trial? To 'do the right thing' for the boys, so that they can have a more stable life? Did she finally recognize that their needs were greater than the resources (familial, psychological, financial, cognitive) available to her to meet those needs? Perhaps she has wanted to do this all along,but didn't want the stigma associated with 'giving her kids away?" I really do not know, nor will I ever really know. It is a very sad situation, and, while we are relieved that the boys will not be going back into that home situation,we are also sad that the boys, and their mom, have come to this awful destination.

Mom will have a final good bye visit of one hour. It has not been scheduled yet, but will most likely take place in the next week or so. It is her right to have this visit, and I completely understand why this right exists, but I do dread it terribly. The boys are not going to understand what is happening and are going to be upset that everyone else is so upset. Mom is going to be highly dramatic and emotional- that is her nature and her pattern, apart from the fact that it is, by nature a high drama event. I think we are going to have two very confused, scared, little boys on our hands that day.

Mom did ask the social worker to have us take Little Joe to Walmart to get his picture taken so she can have pictures of him (he turns two in October) to remember him by. The social worker pointed out that she can't require us to do that, but I told the SW I was willing to do that if I could get it scheduled and done in time for the goodbye visit.

It does bother me that she did not ask for any photos to be taken of Hoss. It does not suprise me, given what I know about her clear preference for Little Joe and her almost complete dimissal/ dislike of Hoss, but it does bother me.

In completely unrelated news- but relevant to the original intent of the blog- referrals from Vietnam are so blankety blank slow right now that I fear Hoss and Little Joe will be entering puberty before we even get a call to get our paperwork ready. R and I are having a lot of conversations right now about what to do about the boys and about our vietnam adoption and have pretty much made our decision, but need to explore a few things first. I will let you all know once I know for sure what we are going to do!

Well, I have laundry to get folded and a few other boring household chores to attend to before I run to pick up the Bubbas from their first day in daycare: I will blog again on Thursday!

on Court and Hair Cuts

2007-08-16T14:36:00.001-05:00

Mom did show up at the courthouse. She did not, of course, sign the voluntary termination paperwork. This does not surprise anyone involved. It did, however, tick a whole bunch of people off, including the judge. None of this, of course, is Mom's fault. It is the social worker's fault, the judge's fault, her lawyer's fault, her tribal representive's fault, etc. She demanded everyone be replaced and that she get better services. She has, of course, had every opportunity for every kind of service available to her from the state and from the tribe. She has yet to follow through on any apect of any one of her service plans throughout the years. Most certainly she has not complied with the service plan that was created to give her every opportunity to get her life together and regain custody of the boys.

The termination will continue and visitations with the boys are no longer going to happen. Mom will, however, have a month's worth of counseling (per her request for more help) and she can write letters to the boys that she will send to the social worker who will then pass them on to us.

As for the haircuts, I assure all of you that if her refusal to let the boys' hair be cut was a cultural one, I would be more than happy to take care of their hair, put it in braids, or maintain it in whatever traditional hair style was requested. The issue is not that their hair is particularily long, it is that their hair is long in some places and chopped short in others. Random places, mind you, not in any sort of style but rather as if someone (i.e. mom) clipped random locks of hair off as the boys ran (or rather tottered) by here while she sat at the kitchen table. Mom is not against haircuts for cultural reasons, but for bizarre control reasons- keep in mind that mom is decidedly not mentally healthy and has a real penchant for making up bizarre stories to garner attention and pity. She is convinced that nothing is wrong with the boys, that this is all the state and the tribe's fault. haircuts are one of the few areas of control she has over the boys' lives at this point and she is not going to budge one inch on that issue.

In other news, Hoss is really getting a hang of potty training and M&M's are a great motivator for him. He is also walking around the house singing "the Muffin Man" song and running up to us at random moments for hugs and declaring that "I happy." He has not bitten in while. [although he did pitch a collosal fit over a toy the other day, threw himself on the floor, and when I tried to step over him grabbed at my leg and then pushed me so that I fell into the wall, onto the floor, and tore my bad knee up something fierce. causing R to miss a day of work to take me to the doctor and to get xrays and my mother to come over to sit with the boys..ouch. ouch. and ouch.]

Little Joe is doing fine. Still no language and a lot of temper tantrums over seemingly NOTHING, but he is seeking out positive attention and cuddles from both of us and is starting to use some basic sign as opposed to screaming his head off when he wants/needs something. He was not at all bothered by the drama involved in my knee injury, he thought it was grand excitement and, upon my falling to the floor climbed up on my bad knee and, in Little Jo-ese, said "Giddy up." No way, cowboy. No giddy ups. No giddy ups ever again, if this knee doesn't stop hurting.

Let's hope that surgery is not in the cards, as I have no idea how I will do that and take care of these two kiddos. Not that I am doing that great of a job right now, limping around here with a swollen knee. ha.

Good Grief

2007-08-09T13:44:00.000-05:00

Hoss and Little Joe need haircuts. Badly.

It is going to take a miracle for that to happen.

I can change their diapers, bathe them, dress them, feed them, take them to the doctor, register them for daycare or school (Hoss will start a special education program in the fall), clip their fingernails and toenails, and brush their teeth. In fact, I am expected to do these things.

I cannot, however, cut their hair without birth mom's permission.

Which, past events have shown, is highly unlikely (read: when hell freezes over) to happen.

She apparently has a real issue with the boys' having their haircut. As in, she doesn't want their hair cut. Ever.

Unless she does it. mental image: boys with hair that looks like someone went mad with a pair of rusty hedge clippers.

Today the social worker called to tell me that the termination petition has been filed.

I am ashamed to admit that one of my first thoughts was this: "does this mean I can get their hair cut?"

Bigger news: mom has made a court date for tomorrow afternoon to voluntarily sign away her parental rights to both boys.

Will she show up? That is anybody's guess.

I will keep you all posted.

*** forgot to mention this. Hoss is working very hard to understand the concept of names. He still cannot answer the question "what is your name?" But he does ask it of us. repeatedly. At least, I think that is what he is asking us. We are both hoping that the speech therapy he will get in school will help him in this area. Poor kid, 3 years old, and can't tell you his name if you ask it. He can say his name, if you prompt him. but the question "What is your name?" throws him completely. He can, however, say with perfect clarity "Holy Shit." Go figure. Little Joe, on the other hand, says only "no no no" and "uhuh". He does, however, do a great imiation of a dog growl and will, if you aren't watching him carefully, crawl on his hands and knees to the dog bowl and eat out of it by bending his mouth down into the dish and grabbing at nuggets with his teeth. Gross. Very gross. I am trying to be postive about it and see it as a sign of imaginative play. Let's hope his early on intervention teacher sees it the same way.

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times

2007-08-01T10:42:00.001-05:00

I think I am going to build a shrine to our 3 year old foster son's kindergarten readiness teacher. She was here yesterday for a visit with Hoss and, since I looked like I had been run over with a mack truck (read: sleep deprivation, in desperate need of a shower, and ready to collapse) she offered to provide respite for us (read: take the boys for a whole entire day). This morning, I got the boys dressed and R put them in the car and took them to the teacher's house. I have been kid free since 7:45 this morning!!! The first thing I did was crawl back into bed and slept for a few hours. Now I am actually online during the day, finally able to check email and post on this blog (forgive me, KelleyO and other friends who have been worried that I have not posted in awhile). The house is quiet, I have adult tv on (CNN), and the dogs are clearly enjoying the one on one time with me. I should clean house, do laundry, and run to the grocery store. But I am going to be utterly and unashamedly selfish and lounge around today.

I am sure that you are all wondering how things are going with Hoss and Little Joe. Slowly, ever so slowly, we are all settling in to a routine and are starting to see some real improvements in both boys' behavior and mood. Hoss, who only repeated words if you said them first, is exploding with independent speech (not very intelligble, but I am getting better at interpreting): he is using 3 and 4 word sentences, asking "what happened?", and, on a few occasions, expressing emotions (yesterday he said "I happy" at the dinner table. I about cried it was so wonderful to hear!). Hoss' s temper tantrums have lessened in intensity and decreased in frequency- partly due to the passage of time and his own "settling" in, partly due to the fact that R and I are almost militant in our conistency in terms of enforcing rules. After two weeks of going insane with all the toys that have buttons and batteries- both boys are more than content to sit and self-stim on an electronic toy for hours, not using the toy appropriately, but simply pressing the same button over and over and over and over and OVER again- R and I put away all toys save for classic toys: wooden blocks, puzzles, hotwheels, shape sorters, a soft baby doll, books, wooden train set, soccer ball, tricycle, big wheel, etc. Now we are seeing some imagintive play from Hoss: pretending to take his book bag with puzzles in it somewhere (he says "bye", walks down the hallway, comes back and says "Hi" then 'leaves' again); He takes his plastic set of keys and walks up and down the hallway 'locking' closet doors and bedroom doors, he holds his baby doll and sings songs to it (then throws it on the floor and kicks it, tries to suffocate it, and slaps it- acting out previous abuse maybe? who knows). Little Joe is taking the loss of the electronic toys the hardest and tries his best to spend the day playing with remote controls, lights, light switches, the dishwasher, the baby gates etc. Supposedly the easiest child of the two, Little Joe has become the most challenging in many ways. Hopefully in time he, too, will begin to play with toys and stop trying to escape into the world of self stimming. He has great eye contact, is seeking out hugs and cuddles- the curent assessment is that he is not autistic, but rather his self stimming (and Hoss's too, for that matter, although he is not nearly as 'addicted' to such behaviors as Little Joe) is a result of the neglect in his original home.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I feel woefully inadequate and have lost my temper (yelling at the boys) more than once in the past 3.5 weeks. Not good. Luckily, both boys have a great team of people working on their behalf and helping us find ways to better parent and teach them. Still, I wish I knew more, had more patience, needed less sleep, and had more energy than I have. These two guys are non stop motion and cannot be left alone for even a minute: every time I need to go the bathroom during the day I cringe, for allways, allways, allways, either Hoss hurts Little Joe, Little Joe climbs and falls trying to get to a light switch or the telephone, or both boys mess with the fan in the hallway (now behind a babygate so they can't reach it), the nightlight on the dresser in their room (confiscated as of yesterday), the locks on the doors to the outside and the basement, or trying to climb over the baby gates that block off the kitchen so they can get to the dishwasher, the fridge, or the drawers holding silverware.

I have had emails from a few of you asking what this means for our Vietnam adoption. The short answer is "I really don't know." I think I knew when we agreed to do this that we might be making a decision that will radically change our family plans. it is impossible to not grow attached to these two little guys, despite all of their delays and challenges (or perhaps it is because of those delays and challenges). CHI told us that we could foster up until the point that our paperwork needed to be sent to Vietnam. I have no idea when that will be. What I do know is that R and I are going to have a very hard time (read: moral dilemma) if Hoss and Little Joe are still with us at the time we get the call to work on our dossier. How do we justify putting these two guys through yet another destablizing move, so that we can send paperwork to Vietnam to adopt another child- a child who is needy as well, to be sure (albiet in different ways and for different reasons), but still a child who, if we do not adopt him, has easily 100 potential parents who are after us on the "big waiting list"?

R and I are no where near ready to say we are giving up on our Vietnam adoption. Nor are we anywhere close to deciding we are a permanent placement for Hoss and Little Joe ( while it is very unlikely that the boys will be returned to their mother's care, both boys are native american and so there are federal and tribal laws and agencies involved in the "where do the boys go after parental rights termination" question). Honestly, we are taking this one day, sometimes one minute, at a time. We are, however, becoming increasingly aware of the number of infants and toddlers that are entering into the foster care system, and have been told about a few infants who will most likely be available for adoption through the foster care system very soon.

I really do not know what to think or feel at this point. This is clearly not part of the "big plan" that we have been working so hard to bring to fruition for the last few years.

What have I gotten myself into?

*** cute story, as I don't want to end on a gloomy note. The other day Hoss melted down over not being allowed to have pop (which I never let him have anyway, but he keeps trying). he threw himself on the floor, kicked and cried for about half a minute, but when he noticed that I was ignoring him, he got up off the floor, grabbed my hands and said "wanna dance?"

Have you ever been so tired that you cried?

2007-07-18T20:31:00.000-05:00

I wanted to get on tonight and blog about all the highs and (many) lows of our days with Hoss and Little Joe. I especially wanted input and advice from those of you who have kids at home about some of the issues we are having. Truthfully, it is hard to know what is abuse/neglect related, what is developmental delay related (which is also, probably, caused by the abuse/neglect) and what is typical toddler boy behavior.

but I am so freakin tired I am crying.

hang in there with me, my friends. Maybe tomorrow will be easier. Or maybe I will drink more coffee. or Pepsi. anything it takes to write a proper blog entry.

I have Hoss' case worker coming tomorrow so we can get a behavioral assessment set up and start getting a plan in place to help him (and us) have a happier, "nuclear meltdown marathon" free life.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

it has to get better, right?

Raging Little Cowboys

2007-07-12T11:10:00.000-05:00

I know that everyone has been waiting for an update from us, so I apologize for taking so long to post. We have had the little guys since Sunday afternoon, and it has been one wild rodeo, to be sure! These poor little guys have been through so much neglect and abuse (not to mention five placments since march) that they require all of our time and attention. Of course, Robert gets to go to work during the day, so the bulk of it falls on me. I am exhausted, as you can guess. But slowly the boys are calming down: today was the first day I had where I could get on the computer (it has been stashed above the tv cabinet, as have many things that are breakable) and check email. So far nothing has been broken, but we have had almost endless rages- seems like when one finally stops raging, the other starts!

"Hoss" is the size of a four year old, but just turned 3 in May! He has serious developmental delays, so his overall functioning as at a 20 month old level. He has a real fascination with doors- so we immediately put chain locks on all the egress doors and the door to the basement. This, of course, did not please him at all. Most of Monday and Tuesday was spent having meltdown rages over not being able to open the doors and run for the hills. Today he is doing better - no he tries the door, says "no no stop" and then shuts the door again (the chain only lets him open it a little bit). We are working on his language, and getting him outside to run and play- hopefully that will help his gross motor skills. he rages big time at night (a "I'm terrifed" rage as oppposed to his "I am ticked I can't get what I want" rages), but R has been great at getting him calmed down: reading to him, rubbing his back, and restraining him from hurting himself or R (Hoss is a biter, kicker, pincher kid). The first two nights it took 45 minutes to get him to sleep, the last two nights it has taken 15 and 10 minutes respectively. He wakes up a few times a night, comes to check to see if we are still here, and then goes back to bed.

"Little Joe", 20 months old, is as withdrawn as Hoss is outgoing. He has his rages, to be sure, but they are usually over his frustration at not being able to play with the stove, dishwasher, phone, or remote control (he is napping right now, otherwise I would never be able to type this). he is also a little spider monkey- climbs on everthing. So far he has tipped the rocking chair over by climbing up on it, has gotten on the kitchen table, the back of the couch, and this morning tried to climb out of his crib and hit the floor hard- not a great way to wake up! he can be a cuddle blug at times, but mostly he prefers to entertain himself by going back and forth on a ride on toy, screwing caps on and off of plastic bottles, or pressing buttons on a couple of interactive toys we have. Little Joe is 9 months behind on his development, has some tightness in his legs, has very little language (although Hoss is much further behind in his language than Little Joe is- Hoss' speach is mostly intelligble, and when he does use "real" words he uses one word and two word sentences).

Both boys will have intensive therapy- speach, physical, play, etc. We also have a developmental screening set up for both boys next month- on different days unforunately, how I am supposed to handle both of them for 4 hour long screenings I have no idea! Hoss will start a special ed program in the fall- 5 days a week, 2.5 hours a day. Little Joe will have an early on intervention progam starting in a few weeks.

How all this happened is a bit of a wild story. On Monday I received a phone call from a cousin I have not seen or talked to in about 2 years. She is a social worker and works with a private angency that contracts with the state. She said she has been wracking her brains trying to find a placement for these two special needs boys and my name kept popping up in her head. Finally she said, she tracked my phone number down and called me. My initial reaction was to say, sorry, we are not interested. However, she is my cousin, so I let her have her say. Somehow in the course of the conversation I had this feeling that maybe R and I could do this- these boys needed somebody who could give them a lot of love and attention, and I am home all day by myself. I told her I would talk to R and call her back.

I talked to R via phone, expecting him to flat out refuse, but he said we should talk about it. I emailed CHI and asked if there would be a problem if we became foster parents and received a reply saying that we could foster right up until the point where we have to send our paperwork to vietnam. Given that the referrals are moving so slowly (and I mean so so slowly), we figured we might as well use this time of waiting to do something positive. Besides, it gives us a chance to have a couple of little boys in the house!!

Long story short (I hear Little Joe waking up in there, and I want to get him before he tries to climb out again!), the social worker who does licensing came in off of her vacation to meet with us and go over the tons of paperwork and info on foster parenting etc. Luckily she was able to use our homestudy (thank God it has been good for something) and our medical and police clearances from our Vietnam adoption. We spent the next few days hunting down a toddler bed, clothes, diapers, sippy cups, etc and on Sunday afternoon the boys came!!!

more later, Little Joe is definitely up, the phone is ringing, and Hoss just barrelled down the hallway with the remote control........boy do I need coffee!!!!!

Breaking News

2007-07-06T07:25:00.000-05:00

On Sunday afternoon, R and I will become the foster parents to two little boys- "Hoss" age 3 and "Little Joe" age 18 months.

It is a long story; I promise to find some time between trying to get everything we need together before Sunday to tell the whole story (or, at least, as much of the story as I can tell without breaking confidentiality).

The pressing questions of the day is:

1. Goldfish crackers or regular crackers?

2. Cheerios or Kix?

3. What toys are best for fine and gross motor development?

4. What activities (other than reading, which we will surely do) will help verbal development?

5. Is basic sign language a good idea for a child with expressive language difficulties?

Oh, and inquiring minds want to know: How the heck does one take a shower with a 3 year old and an 18 month old in the house?

*** btw, in case it wasn't glaringly obvious, Hoss and Little Joe are not their real names. They are brothers, and the older boy is a pretty big kid (tall, solid) and the 18 month old is smaller built: hence, the names. Which don't make much sense if you didn't watch Bonanza on the Family Channel in the 80s (or the original episodes in the 60-70s). For those of you in the south, I usuallly thing of the boys as "The Bubbas."

**** we haven't met "The Bubbas" yet. We will meet them on Sunday when they move in. Honestly, this has happened super fast and I promise I was not holding back information from you all. I received a phone call on Monday afternoon that started a chain of events that have lead up to the boys coming. More about that in my next post.

Back to our regularly scheduled program

2007-06-27T10:21:00.000-05:00

Slowly, very slowly, I am slogging my way through the grief process and trying to resurrect something that resembles my "normal" life. I do, sadly, have one more funeral to attend this week (the 16 year old son of a friend and fellow board member of our local community group passed away the other day), but I am so numb at this point to loss that it has wierdly become a "normal" thing to attend funerals lately. Not that I do not feel sadness for each of these losses; more so that they have all swirled together into one gigantic event so that it is hard to differentiate who I am mourning at any given daily experience of grief. Sometimes it is my own grief over the immediate losses (Fran and Jim); other times it is my grief for friends who have lost (D, J, and now K in the loss of her son/N in the loss of her older brother).

Anyway, as the post title says "Back to our regularly scheduled program." In my attempt to "fake it till you make it" in regards to a normal life, I have, finally, after a few months of ignoring the project all together, tackled the baby's room. My wonderful niece, A, stayed over recently and we spent the day putting the room together (earlier A's younger brother, also an "A" name, put the crib together, but that was the sum total of what I have done in the room since we moved here). There are still a few things left to be done - hang the pictures on the wall, for example- but for the most part it is looking pretty darn good.

The problem I have encountered is this- the new room is much larger than the room we had in our previous home. Hence, we have a lot more open space. Now, one could argue that open space is nice and does not demand that we fill it up with more stuff. However, I have a compulsive need to fill up open space, so I find myself thinking of things we do not have in that room that we might could NEED in that room, now that we have more space.

I have come up with 2 things that I have convinced myself that are must haves for the baby's room:

1. toy box (now we have a cheapo wooden toy box in there right now, but it must go. for one thing, it is ugly. for another thing, well, it is ugly)

2. book case

I am wavering between purchasing a sturdy plastic "Little Tykes" style toy box (say Thomas the Tank Engine, or something along those lines- primary colors to match the "moon doggie" crib bedding set and accessories we allready have), or a classic wooden toy box painted primary colors to match the rest of the room.

As for the bookcase, I am debating between a classic wooden bookcase painted primary colors (again, to match the rest of the room), or one of those wooden/canvas type book holders (commonly seen in preschool class rooms).

So, my question to those of you out there with much better decorating skills than I is this: what have you used for toy storage and book storage in your baby (ies) rooms?

Sad News

2007-06-20T11:53:00.000-05:00

I had hoped that after my last post, I would come back to my blog with adoption related "good news" to report: moving up on the referral list, say, or at the very least news that new referrals are expected soon. Unfortunately, I have no such news to share.

It is with great sadness that I come to you, my readers, requesting further prayers and well wishes for my friend J, whose mother in law passed away Saturday afternoon, and my best friend, D, whose mother lost her battle with cancer Saturday evening.

J's mother-in-law's funeral will be out of state, but I will be attending D's mother's funeral this afternoon.

While both J and D are very dear friends of mine; D is especially close to my heart. D and I have been friends for many years now, having met while we were both students at the local university. Our friendship remained strong despite my move to Alabama, and her more recent move to Texas to work on her Ph.D. D was there for me in many big ways when my father lost his own battle against cancer in August of 2004- graciously staying at my parents' home to take care of their cat and my two dogs so that I could be at the hospital during my father's last days.

I am heartbroken for D; I will never forget her phone call a few weeks ago when she told me that the cancer was back and her mother had only a few weeks to live. "I thought I understood what you were going through when your dad died, but I had no idea. I never wanted to be a member of this club with you"

Oh D, honey, I never wanted you to be a member of this club either. I hope that someday you will find comfort in the knowledge that you were, and are, an amazing daugther and an extraordinary young woman that your mother, indeed both of your parents, found great pleasure and comfort in you. I cannot take your pain away, but I can, and will, walk beside you in this most difficult journey of grief and loss.

Yet Even at the Grave We Make Our Song: Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia

2007-06-08T09:12:00.000-05:00

This has been an devastating time for us and for our faith community. On Thursday, May 31st, our dear friend and the matriarch of our congregation, 91 year old Fran, died from a head injury resulting from a fall at her home. Darling Fran, everyone one who met you loved and admired you. Your strength, your faith, your poets soul- I will never forget you. One of the greatest honors of my life was to be a pallbearer at your funeral. Did you hear the bagpiper on that day? Amazing Grace, indeed.

On Sunday, June 3rd, our little congregation held a special service in honor of Fran and her many years of service to the Church. We were all hurting, but managed to find in our grief an equal level of joy for the gift and blessing that Fran was to all of us.

That afternoon we received a phone call that drove us to our knees, literally and figuratively. Our beloved friend, missioner, and the Bishop of Northern Michigan, Jim Kelsey, was driving home from a congregational visit in the eastern U.P. and was killed in a terrible car accident.

Words cannot express the depth and width of the grief that engulfs Jim's family, friends, and colleagues in the Episcopal Church- both within this diocese, across the nation, and in the world-wide Anglican Communion.

"The Episcopal Church has today lost one of its bright lights," Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori said. "We will be less without the easy grace of Bishop James Kelsey -- Jim to most of us -- and we shall miss his humor, insight, and passion for the ministry of all. He gave us much. We pray for the repose of his soul, and for his family. We pray also for the Diocese of Northern Michigan. All of us have lost a friend. May he rest in peace and rise in glory."

I encourage you to take a few minutes to read the following article by Episcopal Life Online reporter Herb Gunn, "The heart of ministry: the life and death of Jim Kelsey" :http://www.episcopalchurch.org/79901_86722_ENG_HTM.htm

God's peace, Jim. We have been so richly blessed to know and love you. My heart is broken: to me, you were a father, a brother, a spiritual advisor, a friend, and a teacher. Your memorial was such a celebration of your life and ministry! Even though, as Fran said, we carry on with broken hearts, we hold within our hearts and our memories your extraordinary example of faithfulness, unconditional love, and passion for justice. Do you know how many people gathered together to celebrate your life? Each and everyone of them adore you and aspire to live as faithfully and lovingly as you did with such "easy grace."

*above photos are: 1. Jim with his darling puppy, Juniper. photo is credited to Brother Jacob: http://brotherjacob.wordpress.com/2007/06/04/bishop-jim-kelsey/ 2. Jim and myself signing a document, the day Jim brought the Franscican brothers to our house to spend time with our congregation's ministry support team. 2. our beloved Fran sitting on our couch with one of the brothers. 3. Jim Kelsey and the Franciscans posing for a photo in our living room.

A's Graduation

2007-06-01T09:11:00.000-05:00

My niece, A, graduated high school last night. I can hardly believe this is possible, wasn't it only yesterday that I, myself, was at the very same high school, telling everyone about her birth? Surely it wasn't that long ago that she and her kindergarten class, all decked out in halloween costumes, made their way through my high school math class, eyes as big as saucers, seeing all the 'big kids' and grinning like a cheshire cat when I handed her a few pieces of candy when she came by my desk. So how was it that last night I found my self sitting in *my* high school, watching her receive her diploma?

A was *my* first baby; I was fifteen when she was born. She was the lucky one who was the test baby for me- with A I learned how wonderful babies are, what joy there is in watching a baby learn to talk, walk, and sing Barney songs (well, ok, I am not all that fond of Barney songs, but still, she was cute when she would sing the "I love you" song at the end of the Barney show, bursting into tears and waving at the screen "bye bye Barney!"). And what a little social butterfly she was! Everyone she met was a friend; inviting complete strangers to come to her house for coffee. My friend, J, never tires of telling the story of the time she and I went to see my sister and A and, upon getting out of the car, three year old A came running out of the house shouting: "Jen, I Love your Hair! Who does it?"

So many wonderful memories. A beautiful, gregarious, charming little girl has become a beautiful, gregarious, charming woman. The little girl who used to sing and dance to Barney became the young girl who cheered for her (and mine, and her mother's, and her father's-talk about life in a small town) high school; this fall she will be a cheerleader at the university. From Barney to the Junior Patriots to the WHS Patriots, to the NMU Wildcats.

Truth be told, I hated cheerleaders when I was in school. I have A to thank for knocking down my "cheerleader prejudice" and showing me that not all cheerleaders are snobby you-know-whats, and that cheerleading is a real sport.

A had her graduation party last weekend, and I could not get over how grown up she has become. Still the social butterfly, she greeted everyone who came to the door, her infectious laugh filling the room as she and her friends teased each other and made plans for the big FUTURE....no, not the rest of their lives, but the more important things- whose party is when, who is going with who, and the all important "are you going to the all night graduation party after graduation thursday night?"

The only difficult part of A's party was running into old classmates of mine who showed up with their babies and toddlers and elementary school kids in tow. Ouch. Jealousy reared its ugly head, threatening to turn on the tears when one of A's guests arrived with her twin 7 month old baby boys.

I came very close to ruining A's party by grabbing those twin boys and running for the Canadian border!

Still, baby blues aside, it was a great party for a great kid...er woman.

Happy Graduation BeeBoo! I hope that when your uncle and I finally bring our baby (ies?) home, you will have time in your busy new life as a college student to spend time with us....I want so much for my children to experience the joy and happiness that you bring to this world.

Slash: How my favorite TV show is quite possibly ruined for me forever

2007-05-21T09:01:00.001-05:00

It is no secret to my family and friends that I am a huge West Wing fan. When West Wing was still on the air and I was in a graduate psychology program (that was cancelled, btw, before I finished, bad bad bad university), my cousin Becky and I would IM each other the countdown to WWW-West Wing Wednesday. Silly, to be sure, but our classes that semester were unbearably boring. The show, on the other hand, was smart, engaging, moving, and downright clever.

After I moved to Alabama to be with R, I had Wednesday night classes every week, so I missed seeing the latter half of season 6 and allmost all of season 7. Luckily, all seven seasons are on DVD and I have, in an uncharacteristic dive into frivilous consumerism, bought the whole series (across this past year of course, because buying 7 sets of DVDs at almost 50 bucks a pop is beyond the capacity of my wallet).

And, yes, for those of you who are wondering- my frustration over the slow pace of our adoption has me beating a fast retreat into fantasy land- so West Wing is my current "coping" mechanism, or, rather, my way to obsess about something other than the wait.

I am currently waiting for season 7 to arrive (hooray for Ebay!) and just finished watching the last episode of season 6 the other night. As with any addiction, withdrawal has been horrible- due, in part, to the depressing reality that I currently have no life and am in desperate need of a distraction (see above paragraph).

A reasonable person (well, ok a less deranged, more rational thinking person than I) would simply pop in one of the already watched DVD's from previous seasons, watch his/her personal favorite episodes, and keep an eye out for the postal worker delivering the mail.

I am not that person. I have some kind of anal retentive need to watch the shows in order, and so I am trapped in withdrawal by my own peculiarities.

Here is where the whole West Wing obsession gets bizarre (or, if you prefer, even more bizzarre): Having no idea when the season 7 DVD set is going to arrive, and being stuck in this godforsaken U.P wilderness with its 30 degree temperatures and overcast skies, I decided to cruise the internet for West Wing fan sites.

I discovered West Wing Fan Fiction.

Wow. There are people out there who write stories about the characters on West Wing. In some cases very complex, very long stories- for instance, one story had 17 chapters!

Intriguing. A little bizzarre, but intriguing.

I decide, in light of drizzling rain, 30 degree temperature, and no sign of the mail person, that, what the heck, why not waste a little time and read some of these stories.

I should have read the FAQ first. Particularly the definitions for "Slash" and "AU" stories.

Especially the definition for "Slash" stories.

I clicked on a story that featured President Josiah Bartlett (my personal fav), Leo McGarry (Chief of Staff, another fav character of mine), CJ Craig (White House secretary), and Toby Ziegler (Communications Director). With this particular cast of characters, I expected at best a pretty good drama involving some type of political dilemma (assuming the writer can, actually, write) or, at worst, a poorly worded, sloppy re-write of one of the episodes from the series.

I begin reading. And discover neither of my assumptions are correct.

Three paragraphs into the story and I am thinking....

Oh. my.

One page into the story and I am horrified......

OH NO.....NO NO NO NO NO...... that is SO NOT PRESIDENTIAL BEHAVIOR.

Barlett and Leo? CJ and Barlett and Leo? Toby and CJ and Bartett and Leo?

In the White House?

In the OVAL OFFICE?

ON the PRESIDENTIAL SEAL CARPET?

WITH NO CLOTHES ON?

After reading one and a half pages, I am in a state of shock. and disgust. I exit the website, stare in horror at the monitor, and then, shut down the whole computer.

It is quite possible that I may never be able to watch West Wing again. At the very least, I will have to ban all episodes involving Josiah Bartlett, Leo, CJ, and Toby having a scene together in the Oval Office in which the presidential seal carpet is shown on camera.

Yeah, that pretty much means I can't watch any episodes ever again.

I need a new favorite show. Something safe, like "Family Affair" or "The Waltons."

Surely people wouldn't write "slash" fan fiction about Buffy, Jody, and Mrs Beasely.

Would they?

Conversations with a 4 Year Old- aka I am so ready to be a mom

2007-05-18T10:00:00.000-05:00

Last evening R and I met some friends and their 4 year old granddaughter, B, for dinner. B brought along all of her my little ponies and I had a blast coloring with her and helping her "feed" the ponies some of the carrot sticks that came with B's chicken strip meal. After dinner was over, B stated that she "really truly wished she could sleep over our house tonight." Of course, we all know that her wish to sleep over would come to an abrupt end about twenty minutes after she came to our house (she is, after all, 4), so her grandmother and I tried to both acknowledge her wish and convince her that it was really better if she slept at Grandma and Boppa's house, and that we would set a date later in the summer for her to come spend the day here with me.

B was having none of it. For one, she was very tired and therefore in a stubborn, yet whiney, mood. Also, she is very precocious and countered everyone of our "arguments" with a very endearing, eye lash batting, head ducking into my shoulder (I was carrying her at this point) sweet voiced little refrain: "Oh, but if I don't sleep over tonight, I will never not ever have a chance again, and that would make me so very sad."

So, we arrived at a compromise. B would ride to our house with us, and Grandma and Grandpa would come pick her up in a little while, and we would make plans to have a super duper sleep over at our house this summer, with a princess tent thrown in for good measure (I am a sucker for the eyelash batting routine). So, we moved the booster seat to our car, grabbed the backpack with all the little ponies in it, and headed to our house.

B dearly loves Ben and Bogey, and so we spent the first five minutes or so talking about the dogs and watching them tear around the house in wild abandon- so thrilled they were to have someone new in their house.

Then, B found the baby's room (still not put together after the move, but that is another post) and, to her great delight, discovered the big red fire engine pedal car tucked into the corner. With its flashing red light and loud silver bell it is simply irresitable to B. So, Bailey climbs in, we wheel it out into the hallway, and R "helps" (i.e. pushes) B drive it down the hallway into the living room.

We then spent about twenty minutes playing "Fire Engine"......we fixed 10 flat tires (using a basting syringe as a tire pump), checked the oil 5 or six times (using a the broken end of a wooden spoon as a dipstick), and filled the gas tank 12 times (using the basting syringe as a gas pump). We also saved six kitties stranded in high trees using the ladders and put out two fires. Oh, and we also brought the little Red Ryder ride-on fire engine (designed for two year olds) to use as a back up fire truck for the ponies to ride on, so that we could still help people while the big engine was "gettin fixed."

Sure enough, about twenty minutes into the visit, B says rather nonchalantly "I wonder when Grandma and Boppa are coming."

So, I sneak away and call my friends and tell them B is asking for them, and if they really loved me they would come to get her before we hit the crying stage.

Grandma and Boppa arrive about five minutes later (they live just down the street from me) and B spent a few minutes showing off the fire engine and, as she left with them, demanded that we make sure to check the tires and the oil and the gas tank so that when she comes back to play the fire engine is ready to go.

As I was playing with B, watching her "ride" the fire engine and save the stranded kitties in the trees, I couldn't help but wonder if someday we would be watching our own little guy playing so happily with the fire engine, a basting syringe, a broken wooden spoon "dipstick", and little wooden ladders perfect for saving kitties stuck in trees.

Watch, my kid will hate fire engines and will turn the wooden dipstick into a toy gun. which he will use to shoot chippies and other random animals hiding in trees.

I don't care. I am just so ready to be a mom.

Wierdology

2007-05-16T10:21:00.000-05:00

KelleyO tagged me with this one......Enjoy!

FOODOLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice? Catalina French

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? tough call, i am not a big fan of fast food. McDonald's, I guess.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Toss up between Red Lobster and Olive Garden

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 20%

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? I dont think there is any food I could eat everyday for two weeks.

What is your favorite type of gum? BlackJack

TECHNOLOGY
What is your wallpaper on your computer? A picture of Martin Sheen in the Cathedral from the West Wing episode "Two Cathedrals"

How many televisions are in your house? 2

BIOLOGYQ.

What’s your best feature? eyes (or so I have been told)

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? um, yeah, the usual stuff: tonsils, adenoids

Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? I have no earthly idea.

When was the last time you had a cavity? oh I bet I have one right now.

What is the heaviest item you lifted last? Coffee Table

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? yup. car accident in Gettysburg, PA. Car flipped and landed right on the battle field. moral of the story: beware of 88 year old women driving 70's era cadillacs.

BULLSHITOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? nope.

Is love for real? I believe so.

If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I like my name

What color do you think looks best on you? Blue

Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? a rogue mosquito. blech!

Have you ever saved someone’s life? In what way? I've called 911 a couple of times for someone. not sure if that even comes close to saving anyone.

Has someone ever saved yours? The doctor who realized I had a raging staff infection in my knee (post-op) and called in the surgeons on a Sunday night. Definitely saved my life, not to mention my leg.

DAREOLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? Maybe. Can I have a few shots of hard liqour first?

Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? yeah, probably.

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? Not in this lifetime

Would you never blog again for $50,000? I'd seriously consider it.

Would you pose nude in a magazine for $250,000? No

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000? Yes. especially if there is a few hundred glasses of water standing ready.

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? Wouldn't even consider it.

Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Nope

Give up MySpace forever for $30,000? Sure thing.

DUMBOLOGYQ:What is in your left pocket? dog treats

Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? Never watched it

Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house? carpet

Do you sit or stand in the shower? Stand

Could you live with roommates? Not happily

How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? None. uck.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Pulled over for having a headlight out a few months ago.

What do you want to be when you grow up? who said I planned on growing up?

Last friend you talked to? Fran

Last person you called? R

RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning? No where. unless the bathroom counts. ha.

What can you not wait to do? Receive our referral

What’s the last movie you saw? The Queen

Are you a friendly person? Usually.

Hmm...who to tag? I pick Kathryn at Journey to Our Child, Laura at Ladybugs and Dragonflies, and Kate at The Cracked Pot

The Week in Review

2007-05-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

I realize I have not posted in ages, and I apologize if that has annoyed anybody. Truth is, there is no adoption news to report, and since this is an adoption focused blog I sometimes have to scramble to find something to talk about. I believe we are now number 55 on the list (rumors are that there were four referrals recently, three boys and one girl, although I have not officially received an update from our regional rep), and someone recently posted on our agency yahoo list that they are number 54 and have been asked to put their dossier together- however I do not know if they are number 54 on the overal list of 159 or 54 on the list for a boy, or 54 on the list for a girl, so I do not have my hopes up in terms of being asked to put our dossier together. I probably should contact our homestudy agency to schedule an update sometime soon (we recently moved, so we need to amend the homestudy to state that), however we are trying to put that off as long as we can so as to get as much "mileage" out of the updated homestudy as possible. We really do not want to have to do yet another update down the road if we dont' have to, for obvious reasons: it is expensive. If we can schedule it for sometime in August, then we will be near our one year mark for our homestudy (we had our original homestudy done in September of last year) and should be o.k. if the timeline our agency has given us holds true.

In other news, this last week/10 days have been filled with drama and adventure! Let's see, where to start.....hmmm....anyone up for a good Bogey story? Kate, you will appreciate this one, since your Piper is also a scottie.

Bogey's Grand Adventure

Last Wednesday morning, I let Ben and Bogey outside in the backyard to run around and chase that horrible chipmunk that insists on teasing them- hoping, in vain, that by letting them outside I would get a few minutes peace and quiet to check email without a cacophany of barking and whining from the boys as they sit in the window and voice their protest over the chippie's presence in their yard. It worked like a charm, for about ten minutes. Then, Ben decided he had had enough of the fruitless hunt and wanted back in. I let Ben in and tried to convince Bogey to come back in as well- however he was still hot on the trail of the chippie and refused to give up the chase.

I learned a long time ago that you can't outstubborn a scottie- they are going to do what they want to do when they want to do it, thank you very much. So, I left him outside and decided to tackle the distasteful task of laundry. While I was in the back room gathering up the dirty clothes, Ben began barking his little head off in the living room- it was his "alarm" bark; of the "something is terribly wrong and you need to come here right now" variety.

I muttered some not so nice words under my breath about the chipmunk and returned to the living room to tell Ben to chill out. Sure enough, Ben was sitting on the back of the couch staring out the window and barking like mad. Had to be the chippie, I figured. I knew that he would not stop barking until I looked out the window and acknowledged that yes, there is the chippie, and yes it is in the backyard etc.....

Imagine my surprise when I looked and did not see a chipmunk anywhere. "What in the name of all that is holy ARE you barking about Ben?"

Then I saw it. Way off in the distance, at the crest of the hill and moving fast towards the forest. A little white tail wagging.

I flew out into the backyard and checked the perimeter of the fence. Sure enough, there was a hole dug underneath the corner of the fence.

Bogey was AWOL.

I grabbed Ben's leash and put it on him, put Bogey's leash in the pocket of my hoodie, and took off out the door.

ONE HOUR LATER...after tromping through the woods in some kind of horrible Saturday Night Live spoof of Lewis and Clark exploring the wilderness... alternately crying, pleading, and cussing Bogey out.... I finally managed to get my hands on the little runaway. [Actually, Ben is the one who caught him, as Bogey likes to hunker down and "hide" and jump out at Ben -it is his favorite game- and, thinking this was one hell of a great game he was playing, did the same thing in the woods.....when he jumped out from underneath a mass of soggy leaves (did I mention it was raining?) and landed on top of Ben, I managed to grab him and hook him to his leash]

My once white/wheaten little scottie dog was pitch black. covered in dirt, mud, sticks, leaves, and who knows what the hell else.

When we finally made our way back to the house a rather sheepish Bogey headed right down the hall and jumped into the bathtub. Normally I would have found this to be a Hallmark "aw how cute and clever" moment, but I was far too ticked off to appreciate that interpretation. Instead I interepreted it as Bogey saying "ok, yeah, I know this is the price I have to pay for taking off, but man it was a lot of fun and definitely worth it."

It took 3 baths to get him clean. 6 towels. 1/2 a bottle of doggie shampoo. Not to mention I then had to bathe Ben. And myself.

Robert came home early and fixed the fence so that it was now truly "Bogey proof."

So, imagine my shock when the very next day I looked outside and could not see Bogey ANYWHERE.......

I checked the fence....no signs of a prison break.

Yet, there was no Bogey to be seen.

And Ben was again sounding the alarm with his extremely annoying, shrill barking frenzy campaign.

I could not believe this was happening. again.

Guess who managed to dig a hole under the deck (no small feat, as it is more a platform than a deck and has no steps- it rests on the ground for crying out loud)?

And Guess who got STUCK under the deck and could not get out?

Guess who had to dig you-know-who out from under the deck and give him yet another round of baths?

That dog is going to be the death of me yet.

Oh Boy

2007-05-08T12:17:00.000-05:00

Last week the board of directors of the Sawyer Family Center put together a flyer to go out in the community newspaper that details the different projects and events that are currently going on and in the works.

1500 of these things were printed up and delivered as an insert in the sawyer news.

My phone has been ringing off the hook since they were delivered.

Why, you ask?

Simple.

Instead of the phone number for the Sawyer Family Center being put on the flyer, our personal home phone number was put there by mistake

and no one caught this before it went to print. no one.

And no, I did not see it before it was printed. I would hope that if I had, I would have noticed that the flyer had MY HOME PHONE NUMBER ON IT!!!!!

now everytime the phone rings, I cringe.

And there is nothing I can do to fix it. not a damn thing.

ARGH!!!!!!!

Where we are on the Vietnam adoption wait list

2007-05-01T14:24:00.000-05:00

I received a very nice, considerate, and informative email from our regional rep in response to my inquiry concerning the expanding wait times, where we are on the infamous "list", and what we should expect concerning our own wait.

According to the email, we are 111 on the list of currently 154 families waiting for a referral. If the list is further differentiated into boy and girl requests, we (having said we prefer a boy) are #59. However, if any of the 110 people ahead of us on the master list who are currently asking for a girl only change their preference to boy or girl, we will be bumped down the list.

The current wait times are 12-15 months for a boy and 2+ years for a girl. The wait time can either increase or decrease depending upon the number of referrals and the frequency of referrals our agency receives. Therefore, it is impossible to say that we will wait longer than 12-15 months, wait exactly 12,13,14, or 15 months, or wait less than 12-15 months.

in the last four months, our agency has only had 2 girl referrals, so the current statistics are in favor of boy referrals over girl referrals, which, if the trend continues, gives us a little bit of hope that we might at least fall within the wait time line quoted to us in January: 12-15 months.

So, that is where we stand right now. I feel better having a better handle on how the list works and where we are on the list. Of course, I had hoped that we were further up on the list, as we are 3 months into our wait, and if we do the math of being (potentially #59) on the list, and say there are 5 referrals a month on average, that puts us at 12 more months for a referral. Within the 12-15 month wait we were quoted, albiet at the tale end of it. So, roughly one year until referral , and 3-5 months after that for travel. Yuck. Lord grant me patience.

But, at least we know more now than we did before. That's worth something, right?

Latest Agency update on the Vietnam program

2007-04-30T12:31:00.000-05:00

When I opened my email box this morning, there was an update from our regional representative on the Vietnam adoption program. According to the email, they have not received any new referrals, but expect to have some soon. The closing line of the email reads:

"We know the wait times are getting longer for families and understand how hard this is for you. We are here for you during this difficult time and want to support you. "

I know this was written in an honest expression of concern, but I cant help but feel a bit "handled" by such a statement. However, I decided to take advantage of this expression of concern and sent an email to our regional rep, asking for clarification on where R and I stand in the wait list and what our wait time might be.

I ask this primarily because a recent post on our agencies Yahoo group by a PAP indicated that the wait time for a boy referral might be as long as 17 months. Another email posted by a PAP reported that their regional rep sent out an email asking those waiting for a girl referral to consider changing their gender preferrence or perhaps considering another program- the underlying message being that the wait time for a girl referral is growing even longer.

Now, we requested an infant boy, twins, or a sibling group (with the oldest child being up to 36 months of age), so I am not as concerned about the growing wait for a girl referral. But I am concerned that the growing wait for a boy referral might eventually result in a similar email being sent to those of us waiting for a boy: that we might wish to consider another program.

So, in my email to our agency rep I asked, very nicely, for clarification on the wait time we should expect, a clarification on how the wait list works and an inquiry as to where we stand in that wait list, and our concerns that we might, in the future, be asked to consider another program.

We shall see what happens. I really hope that I get a substantial response from my inquiry, and not a vague, "its hard to tell as we can't predict how many referrals we get" and a "hang in there, we know this wait is hard and we are there for you during this difficult time." It is maddening to try to make important decisions when you receive answers like that.

There is also a tiny part of me that is terrified that I am being too pushy in sending this email. When, I wonder, did I start harboring these kind of fears?

Thinking Blogger Award

2007-04-26T09:39:00.000-05:00

They like me, they really like me! seriously, I am blown away that I have been given the "Thinking Blogger Award" by E at "Looking for George" and by Gretchen at "Lawmommy." Not only are they both women that I admire, they are the writers of two of my "must reads" on my list of blogs. Trouble is, they have been nominated by someone else, so I can't turn around and give them the award back. Same true for Mrs. Brocoli Guy, Life of Elle, The Open Window, The Cracked Pot, and Worth the Wait- all blogs that I love written by women that I respect and would love to meet in RL.

Before I nominate my 5, I am required by the rules to point those who I nominate towards the guidelines for this award, so check out this site before you nominate your 5 http://www.thethinkingblog.com/2007/02/thinking-blogger-awards_11.html (sorry folks, I have no idea how to do this so that it just has a "magic highlighted word" that you click on)

Without Further Ado, here are my 5 nominees:

1. Big Momma's World (http://thebodiebunch.blogspot.com/). Cindy is a 52 year old mom to 39 kids- yes, that is right, 39 kids. She adopted from Central America and from the foster care system. An Evangelical Christian who is far more conservative in her beliefs than I am, she has made a life for herself as a mom to kids who others would not adopt: older kids, and large sibling groups. I am constantly amazed at her faith, determination, and commitment to kids with some very tough behavior problems. I suffer under no illusions that I could live her life, but I respect her for what she has done and read her blog daily to see how she and her kids are doing. She is honest about the difficulties her kids face, but at the same time her love for the kids shines through. A tough lady, for sure. And a good mother.

2. Whittier on Autism (http://whitterer-autism.blogspot.com/). A British woman living in the United States who writes candidly and with great humor about her life as a mother to two young boys with Autism. Everyone should read this blog, wether or not they have an interest in autism or not- she is simply one of the best writers out there in bloggerland.

3. Jenn and BJ's blog Long Adventures (http://longadventures.blogspot.com/). Jenn and BJ were, up until recently, with the same agency Robert and I are with, in the process of adopting an infant from Vietnam. They are now the parents to a beautiful little peanut, Amos, that they adopted domestically. If you have not read their story, head over there right now and read it! They wrestled with the issues that plague most of us on waiting lists for a Vietnam adoption - the long wait, the concern over the icky "supply and demand" situation that seems to be occuring in Vietnam adoption -and made what was surely a difficult decision to switch to a domestic adoption. Amos truly is their miracle baby!

4. KellyO's blog Bunny's Mom (http://vietnambabybabybaby.blogspot.com/). KellyO started the Vietnam adoption process expecting to adopt a baby girl from Vietnam. Learning about a young boy on a Vietnam adoption agency waiting list who needed a family, she and her husband stepped up and said "We want to parent him." Will, the boy they are adopting, is a twin- his birthmother decided to place him for adoption, but not his brother. KellyO candidly shares in her blog the questions and concerns she wrestles with in their adoption of Will- the challenge of an older child adoption, her concerns over Will's feelings about being adopted, leaving his brother and his mother, and coming to America to be her son, and her wish to adopt both boys, if possible. She has a heart of gold, and the compassion she has for Will, his brother, and his birthmom is humbling to those of us who read her blog. I am amazed and in awe of the way in which KellyO and her husband have expanded their adoption dream to include not only the infant girl they first dreamed of, but an adorable little boy in a heartbreaking situation.

5. LaLa's blog Ladybugs and Dragonflies (http://www.thegrowingwarehouse.blogspot.com/). LaLa is the mom of the most beautiful little girl, Annslee, adopted from China. She and her husband are now in the process of adopting a little girl from Vietnam. her website is filled with photos and stories of Annslee, and includes a link to her page about their soon to be daugther from Vietnam. In addition, she is one of my best friends in bloggerland, and is allways quick to send me a friendly email when I am feeling down. I treasure her friendship greatly, and have photos of her little peanut on my fridge. Lala reminds me that there is light at the end of the "tunnel of endless waiting" and offers a vision of motherhood and family life that gives me hope that my own dreams of motherhood and family life can be, and will be, actualized. An intelligent, compassionate woman, she presents a postive, upbeat attitude that gives me courage and strength to keep hanging on. At my lowest point, she gave me the greatest gift- the opportunity to send to little Annslee a gift in the mail. LaLa, you probably have no idea how much it meant to me to be able to send a gift to a little one that, for me, has become the symbol of all that is good and right and joyous about building a family through adoption. I encourage everyone to drop by Ladybugs and Dragonflies, if for no other reason than to see the divine miss Annslee!

Inertia and our Vietnam Adoption

2007-04-25T11:49:00.000-05:00

I have a million and one things to accomplish this week, and really have no business dorking around on the internet or posting on this blog. I have a sermon to prepare, a presentation for a workshop on Friday that I haven't even begun to put together, a fundraiser for the family center this thursday, two boyscout troops that have signed up to help with our community "Yooper Quilts for U.P. Troops" project that are scheduled for Thursday evening, and a get together for our congregation at our house on Sunday afternoon that requires a top to bottom cleaning of the house as well as a menu that needs to be planned.

But, Inertia has struck. hard.

I cannot muster up one lick of motivation to do any of the above mentioned things. Instead I sit here reading blogs, googling Vietnam Adoption updates, checking the Waiting Child list on our agency, and re-reading the latest update from our agency: "33 families with referrals waiting to travel, 154 families on the dossier list waiting for a referral and 203 families that have applied and are working on their home study and waiting for CIS approval [April 20, 2007 email]."

I have no idea what the other agencies are quoting to their clients, but the numbers we are seeing alarm me. R and I are part of the 154. Some bloggerland friends of mine are among the 203. Who knows how many others are signing up as I type this, upping the numbers even more.

I also have no idea what number we are on the list: all I know is we are part of the 154 people. I tried to go back and find the updates from January (when we officially joined the waiting for referal list) so that I could work out the math, but I can't find any updates from that time. I know we are not 154 of 154, but we sure as heck aren't anywhere near the #1 spot either.

Nor do I have any earthly idea how many of the 154 are on the "girl only" wait list, how many are on the "boy only" wait list, and how many are in the "either/or" category of the wait list.

I would write and ask where we stand, but I have this irrational (or is it?) fear that if I ask I might be making a pest of myself, and I am terrified of pissing someone at the agency off- as that can't be a good thing. Somehow our agency has evolved in my mind from " the agency who we waited a year to work with, we are so impressed with them and trust them with our lives" to "the agency that has all the power and we best make ourselves unobtrusive and passive as possible cuz just maybe there is a slim chance that doing so will curry their favor and we will get a referral sooner."

Stunningly stupid thinking on my part, I realize. Clearly I am reading far too many adoption horror stories on the internet. The agency we are working with has never given me any reason to question their ethics or to make the preposterous assumption that they would react negatively to any inquiry on our part concerning the adoption.

Yet the irrational fears keep their stronghold on me.

Frankly, the long list of folks on the list pisses me off. The "I want to scream at the top of my lungs to the whole world that I did not sign up for this" kind of pissed off. I find myself thinking of the different paths we could have chosen had we not signed with this agency and for this program. If we had known the wait was going to be this long, we could have pursued having a child the biological way (more fun, less expensive, to be sure) and then adopted. Guess what? With the agency we are with, if we become pregnant during the process, we cannot complete our Vietnam adoption. We could have also pursued a domestic adoption during this wait time [hey we might have gotten lucky (blessed really) like Jenn and BJ, who are the proud parents of adorable little Amos], but, again, our agency contract stipulates that we cannot do that either, and if we do so, we will have to drop out of the Vietnam adoption program.

I am kicking myself for not paying more attention to these rules when we started. Its the familiar "If I knew then what I know now" situation that we all encouter at one point or another in our lives. We didn't know, of course, that our wait would grow from a few months until a referral to 10-15 months for a referral.

In the end, it all comes down to money. Counting the homestudy costs, the INS costs, and the Agency fees we have shelled out around 7 grand so far. If we made any changes at this point (i.e. switching agencies) we will forfeit a little over 4 thousand of that money.

There is something particularly distatesful in the fact that we are staying put in this long wait line primarily because of money. Yuck. But the reality is we cannot toss aside that much money. Nor can we come up with that same amount to sink into another agency or program.

So, there we are. Stuck in the ever growing line of foks waiting for a referral. Wondering how in the world we are going to handle the possibility that this adoption has disintegrated from a "we want to be parents, there is a child in Vietnam who needs a parent, let's do this" to "There are apparently an unlimited number of people out there who want to be parents and apparently a limited number of children in Vietnam who need parents and are eligible for IA, which has created a rather icky situation of demand exceeding supply."

It all rather feels like I have drawn the "Cherry Pit" card on Candyland and the red square cards have disappeared from the deck, thus leaving me stuck for the remainder of the game. No advancing towards the Candy Castle or even moving backwards to the Peppermint Stick Forest.

R just came in the door, so I am going to post this uber depressing blog and see if he wants a late lunch.

Ta, everyone. I'll try to be more positive next time I post. I really hate being the Eyore of the blogging universe.

Random Events and Bogey's Bad Day

2007-04-19T10:19:00.000-05:00

Good news! Ben's liver enzyme levels are down! The vet hopes that one more month of the Zentonil will bring him back to normal. Ben seems to have more energy these days, and is playing more with Bogey and with us. He is also obsessed with the squirrels and chipmunks in our new back yard. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to find out the results of his blood test!

In birthday events, I have finally decided to forgive my husband for buying me the worst birthday present a man could ever buy a woman: an anti-aging kit from bath and body works. He swears he just bought it cuz the sales person told him it was great stuff, and to ignore the anti- aging title. Of course, the sales person was probably all of 18 years old, so I am pretty sure she thought at 33 I needed an anti aging kit. I taught him a new rule for life: NEVER EVER BUY A WOMAN ANYTHING THAT SAYS ANTI- AGING!!! EVER!! IF A WOMAN WANTS AN ANTI AGING PRODUCT SHE WILL BUY IT HERSELF!!!

Now, finally, I will tell the story of Bogey's Bad Day. Picture it, upper michigan, 2007....early in the morning. R goes to work quite early, so he lets Ben and Bogey outside for potty duty before he leaves for work (after all, an aging woman needs her beauty sleep!). on this particular morning, R was running late, so he was in a rush to get the dogs out and back in again. Ben and Bogey come barreling back in the house, R leaves for work. Both dogs race upstairs to the bedroom- Ben crawling back under the bed for an early morning snooze, Bogey jumps up into the bed to say hello to me and snuggle back down for some cuddle time. As usual, he snuggles up right next to me and puts his head on the pillow, with his back end resting in the crook of my arm. Now, isnt' that a hallmark moment?

Not really. In fact, not even close. As Bogey snuggles down, I detect an odor. a very strong odor. Let's call it "Eu De Poo" Instantly I am wide awake. And horrified. Bogey apparently did not finish what he was doing outside this morning, and the results were beyond disgusting, and all over his butt, the bedding, and my arm.

I spring into action, jump up and out of bed, grab Bogey off the bed, and dash to the bathroom. I drop Bogey into the bathtub, nudge the door shut with my foot, and turn the water on (not too hot, not too cold, but just right), frantically looking around for a plastic cup to rinse the back end of bogey off.

The water hits the clumps of Eu De Poo and I quickly realize I am going to have to grab some toilet paper and pick the cumps out of his hair and out of the tub- no way were they going to simply rinse down the drain.

Turning to grab some toilet paper was my first big mistake. I turn, Bogey jumps out of the tub, and....at just that moment, Ben (who previously was on the outside of the door barking and whining to get in, cuz he is not about to be left out of anything) somehow manages to push the door open.

Ben trotts in, Bogey bolts out.

I uttered some not so very nice words, and leapt over Ben (who was blocking the door, wagging his tail so PROUD of having opened the door all by himself) and go on a "Bogey hunt."

I found him in the OTHER bedroom, "making a nest" out of the bed covers...his back end dripping wet, (and oooh this is so gross) with "brown wet stuff" getting smeared and flung all over the bed.

Holding my breath and trying not to gag, I grab him again, fly back to the bathroom and slam the door shut (this time with Ben on the inside, proving I have a pretty darn good learning curve when it comes to this type of emergency situation) and put Bogey back in the tub.

It took THREE baths to get him clean and half a bottle of baby shampoo!!!

Once I set him free and he did his tear around the house at mach speed and rubbing his face on all the carpets and attacking the towel I so foolishly was trying to dry him off with...Ben in hot pursuit barking his head off.... I inspected the damage.

Doggy Poo was everywhere....on the two bedspreads, on my pillow case (I dont even want to KNOW how that happened), on the sleeve of my pajama top, on the carpet in the hallway, the carpet in both bedrooms, and (as if things were not allready beyond awful) all over the carpet in the basement by the backdoor that leads to our fenced in back yard.

I called R on the phone and asked him how in the world he managed to NOT notice that Bogey had POO all over himself, still coming OUT (EEWW GROSS) when he called the dogs back into the house before he went to work. HOW CAN SOMEONE NOT NOTICE AND NOT SMELL THIS??????

I spent the entire day washing all the bedding, my pajamas, (myself too, actually, cuz I so needed a shower after that....for sheer OH MY GOD I HAD DOG POO ON ME reality of the situation) and scrubbing carpets.

Bogey, of course, now all sweet smelling and squeeky clean, curled up on the couch with Ben and resumed his early morning snooze.

Please tell me that kids do not do things like this!

Random Thoughts and Recent Events

2007-04-10T10:45:00.000-05:00

Thank you, everyone for your get well wishes for Ben. He seems to be feeling a little better: he is playing more with Bogey and has a little more energy than he has had recently. This may mean the medicine is working, or it may mean that I am engaging in wishful thinking- we will find out in about a week when he finishes the medicine and we take him in for a blood test. I will let you all know the outcome.

Not a whole lot going on here- we are slowly but surely getting our new house in order. R and I are in love with the new place: a lot more room and all one level (save for the basement). The bizarre snowstorm we suffered through together was a real downer (32 inches of snow!), but we are grateful that we were able to get the fence up for the backyard before the snow fell- otherwise I would be spending the majority of my day going in and out with the dogs on leashes! Our backyard is enormous and is filled with chipmunks, a fact that Ben and Bogey enjoy immensely. Let's hope that the chippies are faster than the boys, or else we will be having a lot of chippie funerals this summer!

I have decided not to get into great detail over one of my reader's choice options: difficult people suck. There is a slim chance that someone might read this who also knows this person and I do not wish to infuse anymore drama into an already ridiculously dramatic situation. I will leave it at this: There is a local community organization that I am very involved with both as a community member and as a member of our church. My involvement has meant that I have had to work with an individual who has the best of intentions (I think) but has great difficulty working with the group in a "team" way. For some reason this person has a personal "thing" against me and that has caused a lot of grief for both of us and for the group. I honestly can say that I have tried everything I can think of to get along with this person, but there seems to be some wierd competition thing going on with this person where I am slated as the "one to compete against." I have some idea as to the reason for this competitive slant but am frankly befuddled as to why I would be a threat. There has been a lot of "trash talk" going on with other people in this group and elsewhere in groups we both are involved in where this person has repeatedly put me down, blamed me for problems in the group, and essentially "thrown me under the bus". Of course, the people who are the listening party in these trash talk sessions have all come to me and told me everything, so I am painfully aware about what is being said about me by this person. I have so far kept my mouth shut about it under the assumption that the people who matter know the truth of the situation and know me well enough to draw their own conclusions about what is true. Still, it is painful to have to deal with someone who is nice as pie to my face and tearing me apart behind my back. Unfortunately, I have contact with this individual in another major arena of my life, so the strain of this less than healthy "relationship" is a bit much to bear most days. (hmmm, even though I have tried to be careful in this post, I have given a lot of information out. oh well, consider it a passive aggresive retalitary poke-I am only human and I have really had enough of trying to be the better person in this situation)

Recent events have decreased the intensity of the situation, so I did not end up quitting the community group, something that I ranted and raved and cried about for many weeks- a marathon long temper tantrum in which I told anyone who would listen that this was not worth the aggravation (even though the fact that I was temper tantruming about the situation so much indicates that it is, indeed, worth a great deal to me personally). And so the work continues, and hopefully some of the new projects we have come up with as a group will take off and we will be able to keep open the Family Center we worked so hard to get up and running. One of our current projects is making U.P quilts for U.P Troops- quilts that will be delivered to U.P soldiers who are wounded in Iraq and are recovering at Walter Reed. We have gotten the local boy scout troop and the local elementary school on board and the kids will be making quilt squares to put into the quilts- in fact today I am scrambling around trying to scrape enough money together to buy the needed quilt pens and quilt paint necessary for over 140 kids to use to design their quilt squares! The response to the project was much greater than we expected, so now we have the problem of getting enough materials- a good problem to have!

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow and I am a bit bummed out as I had hoped that by THIS birthday I would be a mother. No such luck. We have only been on the waiting list for a referral for a little under 3 months, and with a projected wait of 12-15 months we are no where near the point where we can even expect the phone call to start a dossier. I am keeping my spirits up by repeating over and over to myself : next year, next year for sure I will be a mom on my birthday! I haven't quite gotten to the point where I believe my own propoganda, but I will keep trying........

I will post a little later about another one of the reader's choice options: Bogey's Bad Day, as we could use a little comic relief on this blog, what with the "downer" I have been on lately.

Must run, as a chippie has ventured out from under the back deck and is "sunning" himself (herself? how can one tell?) on a snow pile. The boys are going bonkers, and it is hard to type with two dogs barking and pawing at me to get me to let them outside to "defend their territory" from a "very dangerous" chipmunk.

Adoption Decision and What's Wrong with Ben?

2007-04-02T09:49:00.000-05:00

We are about 95% moved in to our new house! I am still surrounded by boxes that need to be unpacked (where did we get all this STUFF?), but at least the boxes are in one room and the rest of the house looks more like a home and less like a storage facility.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments and well wishes on my last post. LaLa, you are right, our agency is very conservative and, according to our contract with them we cannot pursue another adoption or become pregnant while in the process of our Vietnam adoption. So, as they say, "there goes the ball game" as far as pursuing a domestic AA (yes KellyO you are right, it stands for African American) adoption at this time. We have invested far too much emotionally and financially into our Vietnam adoption to pull out of it at this point. I also suspect that a large part of the attraction of the domestic AA adoption "offer" was the lure of a (perhaps) faster adoption. It would not be right to let my impatience with the Vietnam adoption time line to be the deciding factor in pursuing the domestic adoption option. I try to be very conscientious about the effects of the long wait upon my decision making process, yet it is difficult to put the brakes on and look at the larger picture when the possibility of bringing home a baby SOONER is dangled in front of me. Luckily, R and I did not have a lot of time to talk about it, as we were dealing with the "big move" and Ben's health issues. Not to mention a zillion other things (one of which has to do with my suggested title in the Reader's Choice post: Difficult People Suck). At this point, we are not going to consider seriously the AA domestic adoption "option" - we have agreed to revisit the subject after our Vietnam adoption is completed.

A few of you asked for all the proposed topics on the Reader's Choice post, so let's move on to one of them:

1. What's Wrong with Ben? - My best buddy in the world, our almost ten year old black Pomeranian, has had two knee surgeries in his lifetime. Following his first knee surgery about five years ago, he was put on Rimadyl (an anti-inflamitory medication) to help with the pain and stiffness. I tried a few times to wean Ben off of the Rimadyl (any medication puts a strain on the liver, and I didn't want to keep him on a possibly un-necessary medication anyway), but it was obvious that without the medication he was quite "stiff" and uncomfortable when walking. Shortly after R and I moved in together in Alabama, Ben began to have trouble with his other knee (it would go out on him and he would sqauwk like the world was ending) and we took him to the vet to check it out. Sure enough, he needed a surgery on that knee also. After that surgery we switched from Rimadyl to Metacam- a liquid anti inflamitory that was easier to give to Ben as we could put a few drops on his food rather than try to get a pill in him. About two months ago, we switched back to the chewable Rimadyl, as the Metacam was difficult to get at our current vet and was quite expensive. After a month's supply, I called the vet to ask for a refill. I was told to bring Ben in for a quick blood test to check his liver enzymes out, as Rimadyl can affect liver functioning. I didn't give it too much thought, as Ben seemed to be fine- although I did find it curious that this was the first vet to express concern about the medication and ask for a blood test- none of the other vets ever checked that out.

To make a long story short (or at least shorter), Ben's blood test came back showing abnormal enzyme levels. I can't recall the details (I was in total shock over this) but one level should be around 100 and Ben's is around 1400. He is on a new, very expensive medication (Zentonil) that hopefully will help his liver regenerate and regulate his enzyme levels.

I am embarrassed to admit how much, and how often, I have cried over this. Ben has been in my life longer than my husband! He is truly my best buddy- a real cuddler and very entertaining (He sings to the radio when dixie chicks come on and to some tv commercials). When my father was ill Ben was the official "therapy dog" for our family- he comforted my mom and myself through a lot of "crying sessions" in those days. He was also my dad's buddy - when I was away at college, my dad took Ben with him everywhere- to the bank, to the store, to visit friends, sometimes he or my mom would just put Ben in the car and drive around the block because "Ben likes to go for car rides." When my dad was very sick, Ben literally stuck by his side for hours on end. When my dad died, Ben was the one who curled up with me and licked the tears off of my face.

The thought of losing Ben terrifies me. I know he is old and the life of a dog isn't nearly as long as we wish it to be- but I am not ready, damn it. This medication better work! I dont want Ben to feel ill or to suffer in anyway, but we need that goofy black fur ball around here. Bogey has never been without Ben, he adores him. R has bonded with Ben in a big way also- it is R who Ben runs to when it starts storming outside. R has spent hours in the middle of the night comforting Ben during big thunderstorms. My mom, my sister, my niece, my nephew- they all love Ben fiercely as well.

And please, do not tell me that he is "just a dog" and we can allways get another one. And do not tell me that once we have children, we will not love our dogs nearly as much. That may be true, but right now I do not have children (and am beginning to despair that I ever will). What I do have is two wonderful dogs, once of which is quite sick right now. So if you can find it in your heart to say a prayer for "just a dog" please do so. I can't bear to lose my buddy.

Reader's Choice results

2007-03-24T08:26:00.000-05:00

LOL. I guess I asked for this, didn't I? Looks like I need to blog about all of them, with most poeple wanting #4 and 5# first. However, due to #1 on the list, this might take a while to get done (I am surrounded by boxes and things that need to go in boxes and things that aren't going to fit in any box....AARGGHH)

The conversations with our home study agency and our placement agency took place while I was dealing with Bogey's Bad Day and Moving On up to Colonel's Row. R and I were seriously considering moving from our current duplex to a very nice single family HUMUNGOUS home with a private back yard (complete with two tire swings -let's hope that is a good omen!). The best part is it is all one level, which is very important given What's Wrong with Ben. In making the decision to move, we needed to find out how it was going to affect our adoption - would we need a new homestudy, an update to our home study, an adendum? Also, what do we have to send to USCIS about this move, and how will it affect our approval to adopt?

So, I emailed our placement agency and explained the situation, asking what we would need to do. The reply from our agency Vietnam representative from our regional office was this: unfortunately, we would need to have an update to our homestudy and we should contact our home study agency to find out what that would cost etc.

The email link to our home study agency wasn't working, so I picked up the phone and called them. The worker that I spoke with said, yes, we would have to do an adendum, which would require a worker to do a walk through on the new house: total cost, 350 dollars plus travel, lodging, and food expenses [ the one downside to our home study agency is that they are located in downstate michigan, and we live in the wilds of the U.P., so travel is a bit expensive]. However, they felt that if we did make this move and were willing to wait a little bit, they often have people coming to the U.P. in the summer time and could cor-dinate the visit to time with an allready planned trip up here so that the travel costs etc would be shared with other PAP's or with whatever conference or trip that was allready planned.

In the course of the conversation, the home study agency representative pointed out that we would need to do an update anyway, as the home study is only good for one year and, given the current time lines for our placement agency's Vietnam program, we are going to need to do that update.

I expressed my frustration with the current state of the Vietnam program (i.e. the loooonnnggg wait) and said that when we started the wait was a mere 3-4 months for referral, and now it was 12-15 months.

I was then asked, have we considered domestic adoption? Would we reconsider it? If we were willing to consider adopting an AA baby, they would be happy to have our information on file (for free), as they often have very few choices for Birth Mom's to choose from when the Birth Mom is AA. We would, of course, need to make a few additions to our homestudy (which we could do easily when we do the Moving on Up to Colonel's Row update), and she would have to check with our home study worker to see if he felt we were good candidates for a AA adoption.

I asked if this would require us to drop out of the Vietnam program and was told no, we could do both. As long as we are aware of the additional financial and emotional costs: that is, the additional cost of the domestic adoption (which is far less than the cost of IA) and the emtional cost of having a new baby and making travel plans etc for an IA.

In the meantime, I was waiting for an email back from our placement agency regional rep as to what the likelihood was that we would have to do an update anyway -in other words, is it likely that we will have to update our homestudy due to the time limit on it (one year) given that the wait is currently 12-15 months for referral?

The reply was predictable - as in, they can't say for certainity if we would have to or not, as they never know how many referrals they are going to receive, but her best guess is yes, we are probably going to have to do an update anyway.

Since we are most likely going to shelve out even more money yet again for an update (hence, this adoption is going to cost us more money) we decided to Move on Up to Colonel's Row.

While I sit here amdist boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff and even more stuff not yet in boxes, I am also mulling over the home study agency's "offer" (for lack of a better word) to keep us on file for AA birth mom's to look at when making a choice on her child's future adoptive family. We had closed the door to domestic adoption a long time ago, for many reasons. Should we open it again?

A final troubling thought: Would our placement agency for Vietnam "let" us do both?

Reader's Choice

2007-03-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

So much has been going on since I blogged last (which is why, of course, I haven't blogged in a while), that I do not know what to write about first. So, I thought I would go the democratic route and let you all decide what you want to hear about. Simply pick from the following list which topic(s) you want to hear about and I will share that particular story...and do please, pick something, otherwise I am going to feel rejected and unloved...and you don't really want that on your conscience do you?

Here are the choices:

1. Moving on Up to Colonel's Row
2. Bogey's Bad Day
3. What's Wrong with Ben?
4. Conversations with our placing agency: This waiting game is going to cost us money
5. Conversations with our home study agency: Should we open a "door" we previously shut?
6. Haunted by the little boy in Georgia
7. Difficult People Suck

10 Odd Things - aka I have been tagged

2007-03-14T08:28:00.000-05:00

Since I have been tagged by two people- KelleyO (Bunny's mom) and E (Looking for George) and am now feeling quite loved and cherished (they like me, they really like me!) I will expose all things (well, 10 things) that are odd about me.

1. I hate feet. I think socks should be required apparel for all people everywhere.

2. related to #1, I hate anyone touching MY feet. This is a problem, as it is now Lent and on Maundy Thursday we will be having a foot washing ceremony. The Bishop will be there. Our congregation is rather small- so if I do not participate there will be many questions about "what is wrong." I am also the warden on the congregation (what an awful title that is...doesn't it sound terribly punitave?) and a licensed preacher, so not participating in the foot washing ceremony is definitely going to look like a failure to live up to my leadership responsibilities. And how does one tell one's bishop, "no, I am sorry. but I would have to kick you if you touched my feet." And what if I have to wash other people's feet? AARGGGHHH....it is a dilemma.

3. I hate ordering in a restuarant. double that when it comes to ordering food via the phone. Yet I will, without a second thought, stand up in front of a congregation and preach or give a presentation in a classroom. A 20 minute sermon in front of 400 people (not our current church, but a church at which I was a college intern) or a sermon that is live broadcast over the radio does not bother me. Ordering a peperoni pizza from a pizza parlor- terrifying. And don't get me started on fast food drive thru.

4. I have a scottish terrier who insists on drinking water out of the bathtub. Periodically throughout the day I will hear him whining and arooing as if the world as we know it is ending, only to find him in the bathroom, sitting in the bathtub and staring at the faucet with a look of desperate longing on his face. He will stay there until the end of time if I do not turn the faucet on so he can have a drink. Then I must lift him out of the tub, dry off his feet, and send him on his way. I have no idea why I must lift him out, as he obviously is able to jump into the tub on his own....but that is Bogey for you.

5. I have a pomeranian who sings everytime Jodee Mesina comes on the radio. Or the Dixie Chicks. I actually have this on film, and it is quite hilarious.

6. I love love LOVE Gerber Apple Blueberry desert. I got hooked on the stuff back in high school when I had jaw surgery and could not eat anything but soft foods for many many weeks. I cannot wait until I am a parent and can buy the stuff without feeling like a dithering prat and a poser.

7. I slept with my teddy bear, Teddy (yes I know, what an original name for a bear, but hey I got him when I was 2, so give me a break, will ya?) until I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. Entering graduate school and getting married forced even me to accept that it was time for Teddy to retire. But I still cannot sleep without him in the room. I should probably get therapy for this.

8. I fell madly in love with Kenny Rogers when I was 4 years old. I have every recording he has ever done, as well as every tv show he ever did and his one movie. Not to mention a bulging scrap book of every newspaper article about him. Try being in high school with a Kenny Rogers addiction when everyone else is into pop music. Talk about odd.

9. My dog, Ben, is named after Ben Cartwright from Bonanza. You can blame the Family channel for playing Bonanza re-runs while I was in middle school and high school for that. Or possibly the fact that I am truly and completely an odd ball with wierd taste. Ben is one of my favorite names, but, sadly, I cannot name a future child Ben, as they might think we named him after the dog...which surely would rack up the psychologist bill when he is a teenager.

10. I read. constantly. I am never without a book. Which may not be that odd, but I my reading preferences are rather eclectic. Currently I am reading a book on the life of St Ignatius of Loyola (who counted his tears, considering them a gift of the Holy Spirit. What kind of anal retentive dude counts his tears and writes the numbers down in his journal" But then, that is a saint for you- never are they ordinary blokes), a book on Vietnam titled "Beyond the Baby Lift", and a memoir about autism called "George and Sam: two boys, one family, and autism."

Normally this would be the point where I tag some folks, but everyone I can think of has allready been tagged. If anyone reading this has not been tagged and would like to share their oddities with the residents of bloggerland: "Tag, your it."

the strange workings of a deranged mind.... adoption fears

2007-03-06T10:40:00.000-05:00

I do not worry.

I obsess.

The latest news in international adoption has me obsessing about some fantastical imaginary (hopefully) consequences that the recent warnings about Guatemala and the continued "backlash" of China's new rules will have on Vietnam adoption.

Freak out Scenario my deranged mind has conjured up:

Vietnam, allready under seige by PAP's who once were in a China Adoption program but now are flocking to Vietnam in droves [because a) the China wait is too long or, b) they no longer meet the new China requirements ]will now have another ginormous (not a word, but an apt description of the size) influx of PAP's who were once in a Guatemala adoption program and are now scrambling for another program because our beloved government has all but told people "you don't wanna go with Guatemala people, cuz its on the verge of combustion due to some really rotten dishonest people and greedy lawyers...oh yeah, and the Hague thing" (truthfully, what the state department website said was that PAP's should "strongly consider their options" but we all KNOW what that really means).

[How's that for a run on sentence? Would it shock you to know I have two degrees and I still can write a run on sentence of epic porportions?]

Seriously, my friends, Vietnam is not that big of a country. There simpy cannot be that many orphans in Vietnam that need homes. Certainly there are not that many infant girls (or boys) in Vietnam that need homes. How in the world can ethical adoptions continue in Vietnam when (excuse the economic terms, but let's be real here, economics plays a big role in adoption) the demand is fast exceeding the supply?

I never went into adoption with the mindset that we would scramble and shove and push our way to the front of the line for a baby. I do not want to be fighting for a child like it is the newest toy out of the market. We wanted, quite simply (and perhaps niavely) to become parents to a child who needed parents.....If there are more PAP's then there are children in Vietnam, are we really in the process of becoming parents to a child who needs parents, or are we fast becoming part of a maddening crowd of people who are putting such a strain on the system that corruption is sure to result and children who DO NOT NEED parents might well be taken/stolen/bought from birth parents just to meet the demand of PAP's and satisfy the greed of those who are making the big bucks in this "business" known as international adoption? [run on sentence #2...I am on a roll here]

I talked at length with R about all of this and suggested perhaps we need to reconsider our plans, or at least have a back up program. Yes, we want to be parents, and I am not about to take the very high road and not adopt out of some high moral standard that dictates that being a part of IA neccesarly translates into being a part of a possibly/ potentionally corrupt process that does not allways serve the best interest of a child in need of a family. Perhaps I should, but my own need to be a mom is a powerful drive that shows no sign of abating any time soon. Shoot me if you must, but I am human, an I am far, far, FAR, from sainthood.

I spent the last week investigating yet again domestic foster care adoption. I neglected all my usual favorite blogs (sorry about that, I promise to catch up and post comments very soon) and went looking for some foster-adopt blogs. And boy did I find them. Cindy's blog http://thebodiebunch.blogspot.com/ kept me captivated for days as I read through two years worth of posts about her family formed through adoption primarily through foster care: I received a first hand look at how the many issues foster care kids typically have manifest in every day life. Cindy, I am sure, is a rare woman- part crazy, part saint, and 100% genuine in her commitment to her children and all children in need of homes. That being said, while I admire her, I learned quickly that I am not cut out for foster adoption OR being the mother in a large family. Claudia's blog http://fletcherclan.blogspot.com/ was also an eye opener for me, and confirmed that, while I admire and respect people who have the tenacity (or calling) to parent children who come into a family via the foster care system, I am not one of them.

I plan on keeping up with Cindy and Claudia's blogs, as I have "fallen in love" with their families: however, I know deep in my bones that I do not have what it takes to enter into that fray. I may have fantasies about being the kind of women, and mothers, that they are, but the reality is that I am NOT that kind of woman nor could I be that kind of mother. Humbling to face that fact about myself, but when we are talking about the well being of children, it is downright abusive to try to be something that I am not..the children, more than anyone, would suffer. That is unaccepatable to me.

So, where does that leave me? Truthfully, I do not know. I am concerned (ok, obsessed) about the current and future state of adoption in Vietnam. No rose colored glasses for me, thank you very much. At this time I am not prepared (and R is definitely not prepared, he thinks I "worry too much") to hit the brakes and give up our place in "the waiting line" for a baby from Vietnam.

I am painfully aware that, when it comes to the ethics of adoption, there is a lot of grey areas. I may have to accept that, while there are things I can do to make sure that we make the "most ethical" choices possible, there is no way to be 100% sure (or comfortable) that our choices will be the "morally right" choices for all parties involved.

The whole thing rather sucks, doesn't it?

Then again, perhaps I need meds. Seriously, who obsesses about things like this?

The Name Game

2007-02-28T20:47:00.000-05:00

Recently, some friends of ours gave us a book "What NOT to name your baby" We are having a lot of fun flipping through it and reading what names are not recommended and why.....

The sad part is this: many of the names on my short list for our future son are in this book.

Clearly, my judgment is not to be trusted when it comes to names.

And so, I turn to you, friends in bloggerland, for help (and amusement)....

How about we indulge in a friendly round or two of the name game?

1.What are your favorite boy names?

2. What are your least favorite boy names?

3. What name would you absolutely NEVER name a child because it reminds you of someone that you detest?

4. What name are you fond of because it reminds you of someone you love?

Further thoughts on Transracial Adoption

2007-02-28T17:43:00.000-05:00

Before I get into the topic of this particular post, let me first say thank you to all of you who took the time to share your thoughts on my previous post. You all have given me a lot to think about, and I cannot express how much I appreciate your advice and input.

Below are some concluding thoughts on this topic (at least for now, who knows what I might think up in the future...be afraid, be very afraid!)

R and I have been involved with a local families with children from Asia group for the last two years (attending last year's and this year's Chinese New Year Party) and are optimistic that being a part of this group will be an enjoyable experience for years to come-both for us, and for our child(ren). We also live about three hours away from an urban area that has a large asian (mostly Hmong) population as well as a large hispanic population. Given that we have close friends who live in this area (not to mention it is the closest city to us that has decent shopping!), we will be intentional about attending the many multi-cultural kid centered events available there. We are also aware that we need to be careful to not follow our child(ren)'s lead in regards to how much, how often, and to what extent we engage in cultural and adoption related activities and events. Of course, we will incorporate our child's birth culture into our lives as much as possible in the ways of books, art, music, food, etc.

Fortunately, we have the blessing and pleasure to have met a local family who has 11 children adopted from China, Bulgaria, and Vietnam: the children from Vietnam were adopted at a "older" age, and retain a love for the culture as well as having retained some of the language...these children are excited to know we are adopting from Vietnam and we hope to create stronger friendship ties with this family as time goes on (we met at the FCA CNY party this year).

While still not the ideal held up by the "experts in the field", we are reasonably confident that, all things considered, we are in the best place possible for us to be at this time. I take comfort in responses such as E (go click on "Looking for George" and read her post on this topic- I am too technically ignorant to put the link in the blog itself) reminding me to take a common sense approach to this issue and to not lose sight of the big picture- the primary importance being our children's needs and being, for lack of a better term, a "happy family."

**Oh, and one final question in relation to this topic: anyone have any experience or knowledge about culture camps? Do you plan on attending one? Why, or why not?

Transracial Adoption- Food for Thought

2007-02-21T12:41:00.000-05:00

Excerpt from The Morality of Adoption: Social-Psychological, Theological, and Legal Perspectives:

"We must acknowledge, however, that a critical consciousness about race and racism has to be learned. It is possible, and is indeed quite common, for White people to grow up in the United States with little or no contact with people of color, no suggestion that social reality is perceived differently from social locations other than their own, and/or no awareness that racism still operates at multiple levels in contemporary society. In fact, many of the messages aimed at Whites in mainstream public discourse support and foster the view that racial inequality was eradicated by the civil rights movement, and that the United States is a "color blind" society....When transracially adoptive parents take the opportunity to educate themselves and their children, to (re) locate their families to racially diverse communities, and to grapple with the sticky, often painful, issues that arise in multicultural families, their children benefit tremendously. Indeed, this is a critical factor for transracial adoptees. [ p86]

Hmmm.....I admit that I am one of the many "Whites" who grew up in the type of community the author refers to in the above excerpt. And, having moved back to the area where I grew up, our child(ren) will grow up in a similiar environment. The primary difference, of course, between my experience growing up in an almost exculsively white, rural area and his (theirs) is glaring obvious: they will grow up in this area being a non-white person.

I would be lying if I said I do not worry about the effect (consequences?) of growing up in this area may/will have on our child(ren).

I would also be lying if I said that I am willing to relocate to a more racially diverse area. I accept that it is probably the best thing to do (the above author is not the first to point out the benefits of relocating to a more racially diverse area).....but to do so would require a tremendous amount of sacrifice and plain ole good luck. Doing so would also require moving away from mother, sister, brother in law, niece, nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends- familial and social relationships that I believe are also vitally important relationships for our child)ren).

The question I struggle with is this: Do the benefits of relocating to a more racially diverse area outweigh the benefits of living in a community in which there exists an extended kinship network as well as significant social ties - i.e. the "village" it takes to raise a child? (ahem. this is not intended to open up a discussion of Hilary Clinton- who, by the way, was not the first to use such terms in relationship to the societal/communal obligations to its collective children)

Am I being selfish for not wanting to relocate? Am I putting my own comfort (i.e. wanting to stay close to family/friends here) over my future child(ren)'s well being?

What do you think? Do you live in a similiar "non-diverse" community? If so, what have you done (or, for PAP's, what do you intend to do) to foster connections to the ethnic roots/community of your child's birth culture?

If you live in a racially diverse community, what are the benefits you (and/or your child) have experienced as a result of having access to cultural and racial diversity? How often do you actually interact with "people of color" and/or other transracial adoptive families?

Musings on Adoption and Attachment

2007-02-08T11:10:00.000-05:00

Before I delve into my latest "deep thoughts" (ha, you laugh, but you may be surprised, every once and awhile I do have some deep thoughts!) I want to thank everyone for their wonderful, insightful, and helpful comments on my previous post concerning adopting two related children at one time. I find it tremendously helpful to hear your advice and thoughts- truthfully, I feel blessed to have connected with all of you in adoption blogger land.

Ok, ready for my "deep thoughts" of the week? Drum roll please..the topic of the week is attachment and adoption. A popular topic in adoption land, to be sure. We have all heard advice, read articles, read books, and chatted with others about how to encourage attachment in adopted children. Yet, what I worry about is something that isn't talked about much at all, and if it is, it is talked about in hushed tones: the feelings of unattachement that PAP's might feel upon finally arriving at that big day when their child is placed in their arms and is finally and truly and forever their child, only to discover that the happy ever after fantasy that they have nurtured and indulged for oh so many months is not turning into a hard and fast reality.

I am as guilty as anyone in that I don't like to think that anything other than the Disney fantasy I have constructed is even remotely possible. Surely all the longing, planning, decision making, and fanciful dreams of being the perfect mother of the perfect child in the perfect family can result in nothing less than a made for Hollywood ending: I will fall madly and instantly in love with our child, he will fall madly and instantly in love with me and we, along with R, will be the poster family for the wonderous miracle that is adoption. Surving the wait alone should be more than enough effort to gaurantee that ending!

A nagging voice in my head keeps me from jumping in to this fantasy with both feet: "ah kel, are you being realistic here? how can you be sure that being madly in love with the idea of this baby will automatically translate into being madly in love with the actual child? What about all the blogs you have read written by those few brave souls who dare to admit that they are not yet in love with their child, what about the blogs you have read about that horror of horrors- disruption? Don't you remember the night you stayed up until one a.m. (which reminds me, you really should question your tendency to be OCD sometimes) reading a blog by a woman who disrupted the adoption of her toddler daughter after being home six months? What about that?"

That nagging voice in my head (read: conscience, rational mind, anything but a real voice, cuz that would make me shizophrenic, which I can assure you, of the many things I am, I am not that) can be a real downer. Cruel, really, to drag me back from the precipice of my disney adoption fantasy.

So, the reality is this: it is possible, perhaps even likely, that I will not fall madly and deeply in love with our child upon first sight. It is possible that while I may love the idea of our child, It may take me awhile to love the actual child. It is also possible that I will have to "fake it until I make it"..that love is, as my theology professors are want to say, found and expressed by actions- not in feelings. I must (and I will, never fear) choose to love this child and have patience that the feelings will follow. But I suffer under no illusions that this process will feel good to me. If, by chance, the Disney fantasy does not evolve into a fast and hard reality, and I have to work at attaching/bonding with our baby, I suspect, and fearfully so, that it is going to be hard work. If, as they say, there is such a thing as "Post Adoption Blues", I had better prepare myself for experiencing it.

Yes, I know, I sound like Winnie-the-Pooh's gloom and doom buddy Eeyore ("looks like its gonna rain again"). On the other hand, if I pretend that I do not have these concerns and worries, how much harder is it going to be for me to talk about it if I do not have the Disney fantasy come true? And if I do not feel I can talk about it- out of shame, embarrasment, fear of ridicule by others - then I will be at further risk of despair by the simple fact that I have isolated myself by the very act of indulging in the disney fantasy so much that I have refused to consider there are other ways in which this "story" can go. If the dreadful "IT" occurs, I want to at least be able to talk about it with others- with all of you.

I have just finished reading Theresa Reid's book "Two Little Girls: a memoir of adoption." It is in part due to her candor about her struggle to attach to their second daughter adopted from Russia that has given me the "permission" to consider the possibility that I might struggle with attaching to our child. Indulge me for a moment and consider the following passage from Reid's narrative:

"I wonder: When will I care? When will I want to spend eternity with Lana as much as I do with Natalie? This is an extension of the question I have asked myself every night: When will I be compelled to go into her room and gaze in wonder at her sleeping form? When will I want to kneel by the side of her bed in the dark, drinking in her sweet warm smells, moving damp hair off of her face, kissing her precious flushed cheek?" [Reid, p258]

Reid, does, in the end, reach that point where she does fall deeply, madly in love with Lana. Near the end of her story, Reid muses:
" It is amazing, how the universe steered us toward this particular little girl- through a maze of baffling obstacles and our own human obtuseness and hesitation, steered us toward the perfect little girl for our family. It's enough to make a believer out of you." [Reid, p268]

The floor is now open for questions, comments, snide remarks.... Have you thought about the possiblity that your "happily ever after" might not come automatically? For those of you who have encountered some shape or form of "post-adoption-blues" and/ or struggled with not "falling madly, instantly in love with your child", how have you dealt with it? Have you felt safe talking about it with others? If any of you were to encounter difficulty in attaching with your child, would you feel safe to talk about it, or would you be too ashamed to admit that you did not have the Disney Fantasy Adoption that we all dream about?

Oh, and if you think I have gone completely off my rocker and have now entered into the land of the deranged OCD'er, say that as well. It won't hurt my feelings (much), although I can't garuantee that I wont obsess over the possibility that I am over-obsessing. ha.

The Check is in the Mail and more musings on Adoption

2007-01-31T10:43:00.000-05:00

R and I sent in our dossier fee to our agency yesterday. I know it is a bit of a taboo to talk about money (that's private business after all) in our culture, and even more awkward to talk about it in relation to a child (we all shudder at the question "how much did he/she cost?"), but I have to tell you guys, writing a check for 3790 bucks is not for the faint of heart. Perhaps if we were independently wealthy, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but we are certainly not independently wealthy. Now, it isn't a question of is it worth it, because how can you put a money value on a child? It is most definitely worth it. Still, it is a big thing (at least to me) to write out a check for 3790 bucks! I know what your thinking, "if you have such a hard time writing that check out, how are you going to handle paying the country fee (that is around 10,000 bucks)?" Never fear, I will handle it, but I can't promise you that I will just whip out a pen, write it out with a flourish, and send it off without a second thought.
Maybe it is growing up rather poor in a rural community, maybe it is emotional residue from having grandparents who lived through the depression and kept their money in a locked box at the bottom of a wardrobe, and maybe it is just that I have an irrational fear of being broke.....heck it is probably a combination of all of these things. The bottom line is, it freaks me out to write out checks for thousands of dollars.
Ok, now that I have shared my nerousis about money, let's move on to the sibling/twins discussion. The question that I have been asked, by family members and friends, is why would you want two children at once? Are you crazy? (which, I believe, is a completely seperate, if not perhaps valid, question). There are a number of reasons why we have "opened the door" to the possiblity of twins or a sibling group. R comes from a family of ten children- he is very comfortable with living with more than one child in diapers at one time. R has also allways wanted children- there is nothing in the world that he wants more than to be a father. I do not come from such a large family, but I have spent a lot of time in my life with infants and toddlers- as a babysitter, as a nanny, as a sunday school teacher, and as a volunteer in a pre primary impaired classroom (mostly of 3,4, and 5 year olds). My family and friends joke that I am a bit of a pied piper when it comes to kids- for some reason children "glom" on to me when I am around. Two children at one time does not scare us.
As E. noted in her comment on a previous post, a lot depends upon what kind of support system is available to help out with the challenges of taking care of two children at one time. When R and I were in a position to start a family, we recognized the importance of being near family and being a part of a community of friends. That is one reason why we moved back to Michigan (well, it is back for me, as I grew up here) where my mother, sister, brother in law, niece, nephew, aunts, uncles, a zillion cousins, and childhood friends live. We also have friends in this area who have formed (or added to) their family through international adoption. Add to that the fact that we are members of a phenomonally supportive and close knit church congregation, and we have, I believe, one of the best supportive systems we could hope to have.
One of the other major factors behind our decision to be open to twins or a sibling group has to do with age. Yes, age, like money, is not something that our culture is comfortable with discussing. But age, like money, factors into our adoption plans. There is a bit of an age difference between R and I -no, not so much of an age difference that Maury Povich is going to want us on a show about May-December romances, but still a noticable age difference. Because of this age difference, there are many countries in which we would not qualify to adopt an infant (due to R's age). We both feel strongly that we want to adopt more than one child, and we are aware that the possibility of doing two seperate adoptions decreases with the passage of time- that is to say, between age restrictions and the ever growing time frame of adoption in the countries that we do qualify for (i.e. vietnam) the likelihood that we would be able to adopt again and ensure that our children are close in age is not all that great.

The other taboo of money comes into play here: the reality is that adopting twins or a sibling group is financially more feasible than two seperate adoptions. *please do not burn me here with gigantic flames of outrage, I am not saying that we want to adopt two at once b/c it is some great "two for one" deal. I am merely admitting that part of the reasoning has to do with the reality of the financial cost of adoption. One trip is less expensive than two. The extra country fee for adopting twins or a sibling group is less expensive than an entirely seperate adoption. So yes, as much as talking about adoption cost is a major no no, the reality is that adoption does cost money. a lot of money.

Here is probably the most controversial (and flameworthy) reason of all: R and I both believe that it is important to face full on the reality that not looking like us is going to matter to our child. As much as we hate to talk about it, human culture places a high value on blood relations- we identify ourselves by who our parents are, our geneology, wether we are left handed b/c great grandma so and so was left handed, etc. We can argue until the cows come home about wether or not it SHOULD matter, but the reality is that it does matter to people.

We, as parents, will never know first hand what being "adopted" is like - we did not come into our families through adoption. We do not know how much, or how often, our child will think about his birth family - the questions of why, how, why not, etc. I think it would be terribly niave of me to believe that he will never wonder who he looks like (birth mother? birth father?) or whether or not he has birth siblings (brothers? sisters? younger? older?). Adopting twins or a sibling group will not solve all these hard questions about adoption, but it will give both children the comfort of having a brother (or sister) that looks like him/her, that shared the same womb, that share a common history, that have (at least in the case of twins) never been seperated from one another. Perhaps they will feel safer talking with each other about their wondering, their questions, their feelings surrounding their birth family, their country of birth, their adoption, their parents (who are, I freely admit, not going to be perfect parents)- surely there are things that are going to come up that our children are not going to want talk to us about, no matter how hard we work at making them feel they can talk to us about anything and everything.

To quote Charlie Brown "Good Grief!" I have written a mini novel here, haven't it? I am sure that some of you are going to take issue with some of the things I have shared here. If you have taken issue with something, I encourage you to share your thoughts, objections, outrage, feelings, etc in the comment section. I do not pretend to have all the answers or to have thought of all angles of this multi-faceted complex reality of adoption. We are trying to make the best choices that we can, for ourselves and our future child(ren).

To quote School House Rock "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER"- so please do not hold back in sharing your knowledge with us.

Adoption Decisions

2007-01-29T11:36:00.000-05:00

I want to thank all of you who commented on my previous post about changing our "age range." as well as your comments on adopting two children-siblings or twins- at one time. All of you have been so generous with your time and comments that I feel it is only right to respond to each one of your posts individually, so here we go:
Destination Motherhood: Thanks! We are happy to be on the waiting list! You're right, it is a very hard decision to make, and I feel much better hearing you say that we can allways change our mind.
Jo- Thanks for sharing your own experience with making a decision regarding age and twins. As you can guess, R and I have had many similiar conversations. It is comforting to know that we are not the only couple who are having such conversations.
Rachel- Thanks for your congratulations! I think you are right, expanding our age range six months is probably not going to make a huge difference in our wait time. 24 months would probably shorten the wait time, but R and I both agree that we are not comfortable with 24 months. This is our first child, and we both want to experience as much of "babyhood" as we can. I also am of the same mind as you are- parenthood is hard work, but if we are going to be without sleep anyway, why not twins?
E.- Post all the long responses you want! I am allways open to hearing what you have to say. your blog (Looking for George) is one of my favorite blogs to visit. Your discussion on the developmental difference between 12 months and 18 months was very helpful, and was one of the major discussion points R and I had in discussing the possiblity of changing our age range. I have had quite a bit of experience with the terrible twos, and, as quirky as it sounds, it is one of my favorite ages. That being said, going from no children to a child in the terrible two's sounds like a bit much to take on. As for the twins question, we do have a lot of suppport from family and friends. One of the reasons we moved to Michigan was to be closer to family so that we would have a wealth of relatives and others to share in the lives of our child(ren). Also, I have left my full time job working with homeless and at risk youth and am now working full time at home running our family business. So, I will be a work at home mom. My mother, sister, niece, nephew, and friends from church are all eager and willing to help out during the day time if we were so lucky as to be referred twins. Also, my niece is starting college next year, and we have talked with her about spending some time at our house (the college is very nearby here) helping out with the business and the baby(ies).
As for sibling group, I agree with you that it is the most difficult scenario. It is also the most unlikely scenario, as sibling groups in Vietnam are uncommon. The most realistic expectation is one child, and the unlikely, but possible, scenario is twins.
LaLa- what can I say, girl? your support has meant so much to me these past few months that we have gotten to know each other. The quotes you have shared are wonderful- in fact, I have used one of them in my "quote of the week" section of the blog. Henri Nouwen is one of my favorite writers, and the quote from St. Francis de Sales is one I have not encountered before. Thanks for sharing both with me!
Dawn- Thanks for reminding me that anything is possible, and what we think we want is not allways what works out, or what is right for us. Everything will work out, in the end, right? Allways great to hear from a fellow yooper...look us up one of these days when you are in the area!
So, I bet you are all wondering what decision we have made regarding age range. (ok, so your probably not wondering, but I will tell you anyway). For now, R and I are going to leave things as they are, knowing that we can change things later if we so choose. While we definitely do not want to wait any longer than we have to, we do not want to make the decision to up the age range simply because it might make things move faster. That, to us, would be the wrong reason to go from 0-12 to 0-18 months. This is, after all, a life changing event, not to mention a permanent one, and I do not want my impatience with waiting cause us to disregard the reasons why we chose 0-12 months in the first place. We did give a lot of thought to this matter prior to and during our homestudy, and the choices we made regarding age, gender, and being open to twins or a sibling group were decisions that we did not make lightly or easily.

I will blog more about the "twins" and "sibs" question in my next post (I simply must get offline and get back to work!), as the reasons why we are open to that option might help illuminate for all of you why I am so interested in what people who have BTDT have to say about the experience. Which might, in turn, generate more comments from all of you- and what is better than having comments on your blog?

Wait List and Age of Referral- Wrestling with Questions

2007-01-25T17:26:00.000-05:00

R and I are officially on the wait list. Specifically, we are on the wait list for a single boy, 0-12 months (open to a girl), or 2 children: twins or sibling group, either gender, up to 36 months of age. This is in accordance to what was stated in our homestudy, although its not quite as clear as it should be. The 36 months of age "thing" was directly in relation to a sibling group that was not twins: if a sibling group was available, 36 months of age is our upper age limit for the oldest child.
It has been suggested to us that we consider expanding the age of a single referral from 0-12 months to 0-18 months. Now, you might ask me (and rightly so) why this would even be up for debate, given that we have allready said we are open to a sibling group with the oldest child being 36 months. And, (you all will love this) I do not have a good answer for that question. For some reason, I am wrestling with making this change in age range (yes, that rhymes, and no, I didn't do that on purpose).
I believe that part of my hesitancy is this: if we do expand from 0-12 months to 0-18 months, this might shorten our wait time for a referral of an infant boy. A good thing, right? (seriously, we all know how short on patience I have been lately) However, I can't help but wonder this: If we do not expand and stick with our 0-12 months for an infant boy, will it increase our chances for twins or a sibling group?

Not sure if that is clear, or logical, but then, welcome to the workings of my bizarre brain.

Of course, the related question to ask is this: are we ready, and able, to handle two children at once? Two children the same age (twins) or two children of different ages: an infant and a toddler? There are many reasons why we asked for approval for two children, and many reasons why we are asking to be considered for two. But, we do not have any children, this is our first "run out of the gate" so to speak- so we may be (ahem. you experienced parents are thinking "no may be about it, you are) unrealistic and idealistic about going from no children to two children.

I realize the chances of a referral of twins are slim to none, and the chances of a referral of a sibling group is practically non-existent. So this may be a futile discussion, but I am nothing if not optimistic (unrealistic?) so I would love to hear what you, dear reader, have to say about adopting two children at once (two related children, mind you. not two unrelated children. That is, I believe, an entirely different issue).

Truthfully, we will most likely be referred an infant boy. Our worker as much as said so to me on the phone the other day. Which is, of course, absolutely fine with us. So my second question is this, given that the most likely scenario is a referral of an infant boy, how much of a difference is it going to make to increase our age range from 0-12 months to 0-18 months? Are we making "Much Ado About Nothing"?

The floor is yours, my friends. Be honest, be frank, and tell me what you really think.

Adoption News

2007-01-22T18:13:00.000-05:00

Our I-171H arrived in the mail on Saturday!!!! How cool is that? We were expecting a very long wait, as a few months ago Michigan was taking many many months to process I600A applications. Our timeline?
application received: December 1, 2006
Fingerprinting "adventure": December 27th, 2006
Application Completed: January 12, 2007
Approval Mailed: January 17th

Not Bad, huh?

R is faxing it to our agency right now, so as soon as they receive it we will move from the "waiting to wait" list to the "waiting for referral" list.

Oh, and USCIS approved us for 2 children. We are hopeful that twins will be referred to us, but are realistic enough to not expect it. Still, a gal can dream, can't she?

Letter From Vietnam

2007-01-17T12:56:00.000-05:00

A few months back, R and I signed up to sponser a young boy from Vietnam through our agency's sponsorship program. We felt it was one small thing we could do to "give back" to our future child's birth country for the honor and blessing of raising one of Vietnam's children. A few days ago, we received a letter and photos of our sponsor child. All of you know that I have been having a hard time lately mustering up the patience necessary to "make it through" the waiting time. Receiving our sponsor child's letter and photos was a tremendous gift that came at just the right time. Below is a translation of his letter to me:

Dear Ms. Kelly,

My name’s Quoc Khanh. I will be a police official to capture the robbers when I grow up. I’m in the second grade in a primary school. I like playing with my close friends Truong, Quang, and I like dog. I often help Mom do some house chores, sweep the floor. I’m very happy because I can keep going to school. My teacher said that if I wanted to be a police, I should study hard. And I try my best to study. I hope I could grow up quickly to be a police to capture the robbers. Thank you very much for helping me, a will-be police official. My family is very thankful for your kind.

Wish you and your family a Happy New Year.
I’m looking forward to seeing your picture. I’ll try my best to study.

Love you,
Quoc Khanh,

Love you too, Quoc Khanh. And I just know you are going to be one the best "Robber Catcher"s on the police force.

Shout Out to Dawn, a fellow Yooper

2007-01-16T15:19:00.000-05:00

Dawn- thanks for your comments! Since I didn't have an email to reply to you, I figure the next best thing is to toss up a post just for you. Aww..now don't you feel special? I grew up in Ishpeming also (for those of you non-yoopers who read this, stating that is the equivalent of saying "We probably know each other, or at least know someone who knows both of us"- it is a small small town). We currently live at Sawyer, but hope to move to Marquette or Negaunee in the future (after the adoption, and when we find a home we like). R works in Marquette, so he doesn't want to live "way out" in Ishpeming. lol.

Shoot me an email if you want: angelsunday@msn.com

Wait Times and Snow Storms

2007-01-15T19:00:00.000-05:00

We received an email update from our agency today. According to the email, there are:
39 families matched with children waiting to travel
127 families with CIS approval waiting to receive their referral
164 application families in the home study process

We have finished our homestudy, but are waiting for CIS approval, so that puts us in the latter category.

Math depresses me, therefore I refuse to do it. Feel free to crunch the numbers and figure out how close (or how far) R and I are from a referral.

In other news, we have had a massive snow storm here- amazing, given that we have had virtually no snow this year up until this point. I was rather enjoying the big, fluffly snowflakes that were falling, until someone slid around the corner and took out our mailbox! That put a damper on my snow appreciation day.

Ben is on round two of antibiotics, anti-inflamitory med, and twice daily wound cleaning and bandaging. he is NOT healing. he is also not leaving the bandage alone. At his first vet's appointment (the day after we returned from Milwaukee) he had everyone in stitches- he cried and whimpered like he was about to be executed, and, when the bandage was on his foot and he was set down, he ran for the door, barking to leave. Well, he took about five steps, stopped suddenly, looked down at his bandaged foot, and flung it out behind him (drama queen style) and yelped as if to say "OH MY GOD!! MY FOOT!! MY LEG!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!! I CAN'T WALK!" Trust me, it was hilarious. he most definitely is the drama dog in this household.

Believe it or not, he has repeated this little scene each and every time we change his bandage! Of course, he does walk on it just fine, but feels the need to give a little show each time- perhaps to make us feel bad for what we are doing to him. Then he slips off under a bed somewhere and emerges twenty or thirty minutes later sans bandage - proud as can be, tail wagging, and foot unbandaged.

That little goober. All we seem to do around here is clean and bandage ben's foot. I even tried putting a baby sock on his foot over the bandage in the hopes that it will keep him from messing with it. No such luck. He just chews right through them.

Those rare moments where he is bandaged and NOT messing with his foot, Bogey is pestering him and licking his bandaged foot for him. Ah, brotherly love.

Only now, Bogey has a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure if it is related to his "tender care" approach to Ben or not. regardless of the "why", Bogey now has to have the area around his mouth cleaned twice a day and ointment put on it.
Both dogs cower and hide whenever they see Robert or I approaching them at the same time. R and I are reduced to "stealth tactics" in order to get both boys medicated and their wounds treated.

Fun times, don't you think?

Adoption Wait Part Deux

2007-01-13T10:05:00.000-05:00

While I am surprised that my blog is actually read by anyone outside of my handful of friends (most, if not all, of whom are the writers of the blogs listed in my adoption links section), some questions have arisen from people outside of of our little circle in regards to my previous post "Adoption Wait." I feel they are important questions, and so I will attemp to clarify what was shared in the "Adoption Wait " post for those that have concerns about the information shared.

R and I spent a lot of time researching agencies- and I do mean a lot. As I mentioned in a very early post in this blog, when we first began to seriously consider adoption, Vietnam was not open and we were leaning heavily towards Guatemala. For over a year, we focused on agencies with Guatemala programs and had narrowed down our options to three or four agencies. I joined a few Yahoo groups relating to Guatemala adoption and eagerly read each and every post to learn everything I could about Guatemala's adoption process. As the year progressed, it became apparent to R and I that there were some troubling aspects of Guatemala adoption that we were gravely concerned about - rather than get into all of that here, I ask that you go to the archives and read my initial post and/or email me at : angelsunday@msn.com. While we were debating wether or not to stay with Guatemala or look for another program, Vietnam opened up. We then spent quite a bit of time researching Vietnam and agencies with Vietnam programs.

After much thought, R and I decided to "go with" Vietnam. We narrowed down our agency choices to two and proceeded to talk with representatives from each agency. In January of 2006, we sent in our intitial application to CHI (Children's Hope International). At that time, the wait for an infant boy was quoted as 2-4 months.

Our application was returned to us about a week later, with the request that we reapply after we had been married one full year. At that time, we debated going with agency #2, as they did not have a marriage length requirement. In the end we decided that we were most comfortable (and confident) with CHI, so we settled in to wait until our one year anniversary: October 2006.

In September of 2006 we had our homestudy conducted, and resubmitted our application to CHI at the end of the month. At that time, the wait for an infant boy had increased to 6-8 months for a referral, with travel following 3 months after that. If we included the time spent on homestudy and the wait for INS approval, the total time line to complete the adoption would be around 12 months.

For a variety of frustrating reasons (none the fault of CHI, who was not our homestudy agency), we did not receive the final version of our homestudy until November 25, 2006. We sent in our I600-A application to the Detroit office, and waited for our fingerprint appointment, which we finally had on December 27, 2006. In the meantime, we began to receive updates on the Vietnam program from CHI. Given that we are not officially on the "wait list" for a referral until after we receive our INS approval, we are among the many people "waiting to wait" for a referral.

As my previous post mentions, the most recent update on the Vietnam program is quoting 12-15 months for a referral. While it has not been confirmed, I think it is a reasonable assumption that the increase in wait times from our initial application in January of 2006 and the most recent update is due in part to the popularity of Vietnam adoption, the popularity of CHI, and the recent changes in China's regulations for PAP's.

While we are most definitely frustrated and dissapointed in the increase in wait times, we are in no way disatisfied with CHI. We chose CHI for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is their ethics. Believe me when I say we took a lot of time to research all the agencies that were viable options for us and, once we had narrowed it down to two agencies, spent even more time researching each agency. I am a member of several yahoo groups pertaining to vietnam adoption and to adoption in general (plug here for the yahoo group AAR-Adoption Agency Research) and heard nothing but good things about CHI. In addition to researching CHI on yahoo groups, we had private email correspondence with former CHI clients, investigated their financial reports, and spoke with the adoption worker for LSS of Wisconsin and Upper Michigan (who I was employed with at the time in a seperate program dealing with at risk and homeless youth) about CHI. This is all in addition to several conversations R had with the director of CHI for our region (chicago office of CHI) in which he asked all the "right questions" suggested by those on APV and other yahoo groups, as well as questions unique to ourselves. All of these factors went into our decision to go with CHI, and we are satisfied with that decision.

I have had contact with PAP's who were with CHI's Vietnam program but switched agencies due to the long wait for a referral. The PAP's who have switched have been clear that the reason for the switch was the wait itself, and not due to any wrongdoing or negative experience with CHI.

The long and short of it is this: we are happy with our agency. We are not happy with the wait times. But then, what PAP likes to wait? At this time, we have no intentions of changing agencies. We do, of course, hope against hope that the wait times will magically decrease! We have asked for approval for two children - twins or a sibling group. Who knows, maybe that will move us up the list some...once we get on the wait list, that is!

I hope that this post has clarified the questions and concerns that some of you have had about my previous post.

Adoption Wait

2007-01-10T10:25:00.000-05:00

I was going to post about Ben's visit to the vet and our subsequent "drama" involved with his bandaged foot, but I am feeling pretty down right now and can't find the sense of humor necessary to write about it well.

Why am I a bit down, you ask? Well, let me tell you. I received an email update from our agency that reports the following: " for those families that got on the wait list this year in October 2006 of later, they should anticipate a 12-15 month wait."

We are not even on the wait list yet, as we are still waiting for our INS approval.

12-15 months???? are you kidding me? When we started this process the wait was 2-4 months, by the time we received our official approval from the agency, the wait was 6-8 months, and now the wait is 12-15 months.

I feel discouraged. and mean. I am not having very nice thoughts about China these days. Somehow it makes me feel better to blame China for changing their rules and causing so many PAP's to switch to Vietnam.

Not nice, I know. But damn it, I can't help thinking that those parents who switched mid stream (aka after their INS approval) from China to Vietnam are getting on the waiting list before people like us, who are still waiting for INS approval.

Now, before I get scolded for saying this, I am not claiming this is true. I am saying that this is what my dissapointed, stressed out, impatient mind suspects is happening.

Besides, I am not in the mood to be rational, patient, and calm.

I am annoyed. Royally pissed off, really.

12-15 months. damn.

What a Life!

2007-01-08T11:07:00.000-05:00

I am not Jewish, so I hope my Jewish friends will forgive me for borrowing this phrase, but there is no other way to talk about the last week or so without using the expression "Oy Vey!"
From my previous post, you all know the "adventure" that unfolded during our trip to Milwaukee for our fingerpring appointment. Remember at the end of the post I hinted that when we returned home things continued to be chaotic and sleep deprived? Well, here is what happened. We arrived home at eight oclock and we greeted by two very happy, hyper pups. Note that I did not say "happy, hyper, healthy pups." Ben, our 10 year old pomeranian, was limping badly. I don't know what happened, but somehow, in the short period of time between when my mom left our house (she was "grandog sitting") at six p.m. and our arrival at eight p.m., Ben's right rear paw sustained an injury. Upon inspection, I discovered that part of the pad of his paw had been, for lack of a better word, "skinned." It was red, raw, and oozing. Clearly infected. And Ben was miserable. It was obvious that he had been licking at it, which further irritated the injury.

Bogey, our Scottish Terrier, was clearly distraught over his "brother's" injury. When Ben was not licking at his paw, Bogey was trying to do it for him! Ben was not that "receptive" to Bogey's attention. Hence, my entire night (and I do mean my entire night) went as follows:
"Ben, stop licking" [Ben stops licking and looks at me like I was the most stupid and mean person in the whole world to tell him he has to stop licking his foot -"it hurts, you dummy! I have to lick it!"]
"Bogey chill out!" [Bogey is whimpering and whining, tail wagging 90 per, and trying to lick Ben's paw for him, when that was not working, he resorted to licking Ben's eyes, ears, face etc]
"Ben, that's enough!" [Ben does NOT like Bogey in his face or licking any part of his body, so he is growling and barring his teeth at Bogey]
"AROOOO" [Bogey is not "getting" why Ben is growling and is expressing his dismay at not being able to "take care of" his brother]
"BEN STOP LICKING"
"BOGEY LEAVE HIM ALONE"
This "dialogue" continued to repeat itself all night long. And I do mean all night long. Meanwhile, R is snoring away, oblivious to it all.

By 3 a.m. I lost it. I yelled at both dogs, and then I drugged Ben with Benadryl.

Then I cried, thinking "There is no way I can be a mother, I can't even take care of my dogs! We might as well just stop the adoption now- I am going to be a horrible mother, I can see it now, social services showing up at our door because I lose it with my child and yell at him and then drug him with Benadryl to make him sleep."

It was a truly awful night. And the nights following weren't much better. I will write about Ben's (aka "drama dog") visit to the vet a little later, as I have yet another meeting to attend (as I said earlier, Oy Vey!)

Fingeprinting Done!

2006-12-30T11:00:00.000-05:00

Whew! Is anybody else out there as tired as I am these days? Christmas was wonderfully hectic- R and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my mother, my sister, my brother in law, and my niece and nephew. Somehow we all managed to keep a Christmas spirit, even in the absence of snow (can you believe there was no snow on the ground on Christmas day here? and this is the U.P. land of the great snowstorms!).

The day after Christmas, R and I headed to Wisconsin to get our fingerprinting done at the Milwaukee Homeland Security Office. We left in the afternoon, with the idea that we would stay overnight in Appleton (well, actually that is what I thought the plan was, it turns out R had other plans), have a nice dinner, relax at a hotel, and get up in the morning and drive the rest of the way to Milwaukee for the appointment.

R had other ideas.

here is what happened. We were in the car, just outside of Escanaba, Michigan when my cell phone rang. My friend L, who lives in Appleton, was checking to see where we were and if we were going to stay with her that night. R told her that we were going to drive to Milwaukee and spend the night there.

oookay, then. First I heard of this plan. But I am flexible. We can make this work. So we will stop in Green Bay and have a nice dinner and then drive on to the outskirts of Milwaukee, find a hotel, have a nice, relaxing evening together and get up in the morning, head downtown, and get fingerprinted.

Only problem was, the turn off to Milwaukee is before any good restaurants. To make a long story short, we drove all the way to Milwaukee without stopping to eat. I was starved. And tired.

ookay, then. So we will stop outside of Milwuakee, find a hotel, and have a nice dinner.

Not exactly. R decided that we should drive into Milwaukee first and find the Homeland Security Building so that we know where we need to go in the morning.

nine oclock Milwaukee time (ten oclock our time) I find myself driving in circles in downtown Milwaukee. Now, anyone who knows me knows I am not navigationally gifted, and therefore not to be trusted when it comes to reading maps and finding places. But I like to think that even I would know to try a different route after passing the same bus station, train station, and "society for a peaceful america" building a zillion times. (oh look, there is the greyhound station! hey, its the greyhound station again! oh and there is Amtrak! and there it is again!)

We did finally find the Homeland Security building. Good thing, as I was about to die of starvation at that point. Then the question of finding a hotel came up. Which ensued a debate over staying downtown (my opinion being it was too expensive, R's being that it was allready nine something at night and surely we could get a good rate). So we drove around downtown Milwaukee a little more (oh look, its the Greyhound station! wasn't that guy standing outside there the last time we passed by?). Finally, R decided that maybe we should go outside of Milwaukee for a hotel.

After a little more driving around, we finally found a hotel with an Outback Steakhouse next door. Hooray! FOOD! SLEEP!! R went into the hotel and secured us a room for the night. We then headed immediately over to the Outback (I think my threat of immediate death due to starvation was the motivating factor there) to eat. It was now nine thirty p.m. Outback closes at ten p.m. Needless to say, the waitress was not too keen on having us walk in at nine thirty. We did, however, receive very fast service. (note to all: if you eat at any restaurant that has a bar at that time of night, you can bet you will be seated by a bunch of men who are on their nth round of Foster's and who, apparently, have accomplished nothing in life more important than their high school football years. These men will also have a passion for talking about those said football years and have an astonishing recollection of every game they ever played. Which they will talk about. loudly)

Food was good. Check came very fast. It was time to leave our football heroes and head to the hotel. Finally. I was soo tired. I couldnt' wait to get into the room and relax.

Sadly, it was not to happen that way. Turns out, our key card did not work in the door. So off we go, lugging our suitcase and my pillow (I hate hotel room pillows!) to try other doors. No luck. It is now after ten p.m. Milwaukee time (eleven p.m. our time), it's cold, I'm beyond tired, and R is getting crabby. R leaves me standing at the door close to the pool room and he heads over to another door off of to the pool area and bangs on it to get the attention of a late night swimmer. The swimmer lets him in. "whew, I think. Now he will come and let me in and we can get to this room before I collapse."

Imagine my disbelief as I watch my husband walk right by the door where I am standing, forlornly, no longer starving, but about to die of exhaustion! "Where the (insert appropriate naughty words here) is he going?"

Fortunately, he came back down the hall and let me in. Otherwise, I would be looking at life as an adoptive single widowed mother.

Ok, now we get to the nice peaceful, full night of sleep part right?

Nope. The room we are in has a horrendously loud fan system in an unknown, unfindable location, that goes off intermittently all night long. Oh, and R snores. Loudly. Extremely Loudly.

Suffice it to say, I barely slept at all.

Fortunately for my sanity and R's life, we managed to get downtown to our fingerprint apointment head of schedule (we needed to be there at nine a.m. and arrived a little after eight a.m.) and find a parking space directly accross from the building. Good thing, as there was a line of people waiting to get in.

The wait was short and the fingerprinting went smoothly. We were out of there by nine a.m.

The journey home was uneventful -Save for a minor, unexpected, and unplanned "detour" (translation: wrong turn) that delayed our homecoming by about an hour. I wasn't too bothered by it though, as we did manage to go to Appleton on the way home and were able to have lunch with my friend L and go to Toys R Us and Barnes and Noble (two stores I love that I never get to go to since the closest ones to where we live are, in fact, in Appleton Wisconsin).

I was so looking forward to a good night's sleep in my own house, my own bed, and my two pups. I had fantasies of crawling into bed, snuggling under the covers, and sleeping in late.

Didn't Happen. Not that night. Not the night after that. Not until last night, in fact, did I get more than a few hours of sleep. But we shall save that story for another post.

The Cabbage Patch Kid Christmas Caper

2006-12-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

Rachel asked about the Cabbage Patch Kid story that I alluded to in a post earlier this month when I was talking about my dad. Since it is just before Christmas, and there is nothing new to report about the adoption, and, most importantly, since she asked, I am going to share the story.

Picture it: Christmas, 1984. I am in fourth grade. Like every kid in the world, I desperately wanted a cabbage patch kid for Christmas. Of course, these days you can walk into any walmart or target or toys r us and buy a Cabbage Patch kid; but in 1984 they were in very high demand and therefore very hard to find. People were getting into fist fights over these goofy looking dolls! I remember seeing footage on the evening news of shelf stockers struggling to open boxes of Cabbage Patch kids and attempting to fend off the crazed parents who were desperately trying to grab a doll out of the box.
Needles to say, I was worried. I asked my dad "Do you think Santa will be able to get a Cabbage Patch kid for me? What if he tries and someone punches him out?"
My dad told me " Don't worry, Santa will come through and no one was big enough or strong enough to punch out Santa Claus. In fact, if they tried, they would definitely NOT ever have Christmas presents again- and who would risk that? "
He said it. I believed it. And I told EVERYONE that Santa was going to bring me a Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas. And I told them over and over and over and over again.
Guess what? Underneath the Christmas tree on Christmas morning was a genuine Cabbage Patch Kid. A bald baby boy, with a pair of jeans on, a white and yellow striped t-shirt, a blue windbreaker, white socks and white tennis shoes with blue stripes. His name was Wayne. And I still have him.
It wasn't until many years later that I found out what "Santa" went through to get me that Cabbage Patch Doll.
My dad spent hours upon hours checking out the stores looking for the Cabbage Patch Kids. He talked to everyone he could think of to try to find out when shipments were coming in and he would be at whatever store was getting a shipment standing outside the door waiting for the store to open. Unfortunately, so were a lot of parents, so he struck out again and again.
One night he was visiting his friend Ray's house and it was announced on the radio that a gas station in a little podunk town over two hours away was expecting a shipment of Cabbage Patch Kids that would be put on the shelves at midnight.
This is the kind of Dad I had. He and Ray looked at each other, looked at the clock, and jumped in Dad's car to drive two hours one way to this gas station to wait in line and try to get my Cabbage Patch Kid. At the gas station Dad and Ray pushed their way into the store, and somehow in the midst of all that crowd, my dad managed to get his hands on one of the dolls. Without even pausing to look at it, he paid forty dollars for it and they got in the car. Now forty dollars was a lot of money for my dad to spend on a Christmas gift, especially in 1984. We didn't have much money and for him to spend that kind of money for a doll was a big deal.
Once Dad and Ray got back from their "Cabbage Patch Kid Road Trip" and took the doll out and looked at it, they realized they had been ripped off. This was not a genuine Xavier Roberts Cabbage Patch Kid. It was (as my dad would later describe it) a "piss poor" imitation doll stuffed with saw dust that pretty much fell apart when it was taken out of the box.
My Dad was not the type to give up, especially once he had made a promise. He continued to check out sale papers, talk to "behind the scenes" store workers about CPK shipment arrivals, and spent just about every spare minute he had for the next two weeks trying to find a "genuine" Cabbage Patch Kid.
Just a few days before Christmas, the local drug store received a shipment of Cabbage Patch Kids. My dad, who I suspect had insider knowledge, was at the store, and managed to get his hands on a REAL Cabbage Patch Kid. (later he told me that he had it in his hands and some guy tried to grab it from him and they actually got into a bit of a tug of war over the doll LOL)
To rip off a formula of a popular credit card company:
Cabbage Patch Kid: $40.00
Dad who spends all his free time and money he didn't really have to spend to get that Cabbage Patch Kid for his daugther: Priceless

As some of you know, my dad died of cancer in August of 2004. I miss him terribly. And I still have, and cherish, Wayne, (the Cabbage Patch Kid). Even more precious to me is the story of Dad's "Cabbage Patch Kid Christmas Caper."

I look forward to hearing my mom retell that story this year. And I cannot wait for the day that I can share that story with my own children. Of course that is many many years down the road, but good stories are worth the wait, don't you think?

Quick Update

2006-12-19T19:44:00.000-05:00

Just have time for a quick update before I get back to work. R was finally able to get a hold of someone at USCIS yesterday and was told that it is not unusual for people to miss their original scheduled appointment. We can go any following wednesday after the original appointment date (so yes, you were right Gretchen about the sentence at the bottom of the letter. what confused us was the other sentence in bold letters saying that if we missed the appointment our application would be voided) as long as we had good reason for missing the original appointment.
R asked if living six and a half hours away from Milwaukee was a "good reason."
So, we are now going to leave on December 26th for Wisconsin and go to USCIS for fingerprinting on the morning of the 27th. R was told that as long as we explained why we missed the original appointment, we should not have any problems.
So....things are much better around here, at least in regards to the fingerprinting. Now the count down to christmas must get these orders out and where the hell is UPS part of our lives, that is a different story!
Thanks, everyone for your kind words of support and advice. I have no idea what I would do for "adoption support" if I did not have all of you in bloggerland!

Fingerprint Appointment

2006-12-17T16:51:00.000-05:00

Among the usual fair of junk mail, bills, and a few Christmas cards, yesterday's mail included our fingepring appointments. Which should be cause for great joy, right?

Unfortunately not.

The appointment date is for Tuesday, December 19th. The place of the appointment? Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

We live in Michigan. Milwaukee, Wisconsin is easily a six and a half hour drive from here.

Tuesday December 19th is six days before Christmas. It is also one of the last days we have to ship out our Christmas orders from our business.

Due to some major problems with our vendors being backed up, we are behind as it is with our orders. We have easily 100 orders that need to be sent out on Tuesday.

The contents of those orders are expected to arrive via UPS an FedEx on Monday, at various times of the day. Those items then have to be put together, processed, and packaged to be sent out on Tuesday night's UPS flight.

R has only been at his new job for a few months, it is a highly demanding job, and taking time off is very difficult.

In order to make this appointment and still meet our other obligations, we would have to leave here very late monday night (around eight or nine p.m.) and grab a hotel room in Appleton for a few quick winks and get up early to drive the rest of the way to Milwaukee, or leave very early tuesday morning (around one or two a.m.) make our appointment, turn around and drive straight home and work all through the night and hopefully get the last few items completed and sent out overnight via UPS on Wednesday.

Either way, R would have to help me by coming home from work monday and working all night (until we meet the UPS plane and then leave for Wisconsin- the monday night option, or meet the plane, work some more and leave at one or two a.m. on tuesday) and take Tuesday off for the appointment, then, after we drive all the way back on Tuesday, work through the night with me and then go to work at his "real job" for eight a.m. on Wednesday.

My mom said she would come stay the night monday night with the dogs if we need her, and stay Tuesday in case we get late shipments in so that someone is here to get the packages.

I have no idea who sets these appointments, but come on whoever you are- we get the letter on saturday, have to be there on tuesday morning, and it is in MILWAUKEE WISCONSIN??????????

I have ranted, raved and cried. Which didn't change a thing, of course. I have no idea how to make this work. And I have no idea how to try to change the appointment either. I do NOT want this to get put off, not with the long waiting list and the forever-and-a-day time that it takes to process these applications.

But for crying out loud: MILWAUKEE WISCONSIN???? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???? on DECEMBER 19th?????

Is the Grinch processing our paperwork, or what?

Agency Update

2006-12-16T09:21:00.000-05:00

The recent update from our agency states that " We currently have 34 families matched with children waiting to travel, 112 families with CIS approval waiting for their referral and 152 families with applications approved working on their home studies and waiting for CIS approval."

I am soo depressed at this news. We are in the "152 families" category. I have no idea what position we are in that count, but I do not want to know. With my luck, we are #152 out of 152.

And I am betting that the number is going to grow, what with the recent changes in China adoption.

Today I feel like I am NEVER going to be a mom.

I600A and Mario Brothers

2006-12-12T18:23:00.000-05:00

In all my obsessive stressing over apologizing to Law Mommy about the "serial posting" I did on her comments, I forgot to post about the letter we received in the mail yesterday. Not the fingerprinting appointment we were waiting for, but a letter that did at least confirm that they received our application, provided us with a receipt for the fees, and informing us that we would receive our fingerprint appointment notification "shortly." The letter also had at the bottom of it a list of processing times for various applications and a "command" to not call or contact them in anyway UNLESS it was past the processing time quoted in the letter. According to the letter, it is taking 3 months for the processing of the I600-A at the Detroit office.

Silly as it sounds, I really wanted to jump up and down like a loonie loon over the letter, simply as it marks progress! However, our neighbor's little boy, P, was "visiting" while his mom took his baby sister to dance class, so I had to play it cool. After all, I opened it during a very important video game tutorial that demanded I pay close attention. Amazing how much six year olds know about video games! Sadly, I am a poor student, for I could not tell you one useful tip about Mario Brothers Lost in Time (er, I think that was the title!).

I also wanted to call R and tell him about the letter, but there was no time for that either, for after my tutorial about Mario Brothers, P decided we should look at our games (I bought R a Nintendo Game cube for Christmas last year, just for fun) and sort them based on their ratings. P was very serious about this project, as he wanted to make sure the games rated "E" were put in front of the cabinet and the games rated "T" pushed way in the back of the cabinet so that "he [meaning the baby] wouldn't get a hold of them and try to play them before he was old enough." P also said that he would help "him" learn to play the games, "cuz they can be very hard to learn for a little kid." P gets that we are adopting and is very excited about it, but is a little confused about the age of the baby we are adopting. I think he is hoping it is a boy just a little younger than him, so that he can play with him and be a "big brother" type. His mom and R and I have all tried to explain to him that the baby IS going to be a baby when he comes home, and it will be a long time before the baby will play even the "E" rated games, but P is undeterred by that information.

Soo...we sorted the games and talked about what games were good and what games were bad, and most importantly what games we did not have that we really really should get soon....in fact, we should email Santa and let him know we NEEDED those games.

Back to the letter from Homeland Security- I wonder what "shortly" means exactly?????

Apology to Law Mommy

2006-12-11T21:05:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what is happening with blogger tonight, but I somehow managed to post the same comment several times to LawMommy's blog. So if you are reading this G, I am so so sorry that you had to read the same comment over and over. I kept getting a "page cannot be displayed" so I clicked back and re-submitted. I felt awful when all of a sudden the comment showed up...and showed up..and showed up again. Yikes! I give myself a great big red "F" for "blogging performance" tonight. if I offer to bake you some cookies, will it make up for it?

adoption lingo

2006-12-11T09:55:00.000-05:00

I think maybe I have been reading too many adoption books. yesterday while reading Hannibal Rising, the dominant thought that kept running through my mind was not "wow, this guy is really creepy" or "how twisted is THAT!" but " This guy has a serious case of Reacctive Attachment Disorder!"

Christmas

2006-12-10T14:44:00.000-05:00

I am soo soo tired. Yesterday I had a Ministry Support Team meeting from one until three, then met my mother and sister at Red Lobster (YUM!) for an early dinner at 3:30 and then we went shopping. We went to Shopko, The Mall (ahem, remember we live in Hicksville, so the Mall is rather small)- Kohl's, JC Penney, Younkers, Sam Goody, Bath and Body Works, B.Dalton Bookstore- Target and Walmart. Guess what time I got home? 10:35 p.m.!!! We had a lot of fun though, and managed to sneak around enough to get a few presents for each other as well. Of course, then I had to get home, get the stuff in the house (tricky, as I had presents for R that I needed to sneak past him) and catch up with each other about the day- so, sleep did not come until after two a.m. (partly due to the fact that I bought Hannibal Rising-thanks Law Mommy for posting that it was on the market!)

At the mall we saw a caucasian couple with a hispanic toddler (boy) and a little asian baby girl- my mom and sister would not allow me to "stalk" the family. what spoilsports! I just wanted to see the baby! LOL

I am slowly getting into the Christmas spirit. It has been hard, because if things had gone as we had planned, we would have a baby this Christmas. I remember last Christmas day R and I were sharing our dreams for next Christmas when the "baby is home." We talked about all the fun things we would do, the traditions we would start, the Christmas shopping fun we would have, first Christmas photos, etc. Well, here we are at "next Christmas" and it is looking like it is going to take a lot of luck and a few miracles for us to MAYBE be parents by Christmas 2007.

But, I am working hard to remind myself of all the wonderful things we do have this Christmas: each other, our dogs, our family that lives here and our friends. Our niece A is a senior in high school and this will be her last christmas as a "child", and our nephew A is going to turn 14 on Christmas day (as he pointed out to me that makes him "practically a man" LOL). This will be our third Christmas without my dad, and it is getting easier each year that passes to enjoy the good memories of Christmas with him and not hurt so much that he is no longer here. I am sure that our first Christmas with a baby will be bittersweet in the sense that we will have those thoughts of "if only dad were here to see his newest grandchild" etc. Still, I know we will work hard to share stories about him with our child so that he will at least know how much his grandpa loved Christmas and how he would search for hours and hours and days and days for the perfect Christmas presents for all of us. I will probably at some point share the "great cabbage patch kid adventure of 1984" with our child as well. Now that is a classic family christmas story about my dad!

I also find great comfort and joy in all of you in adoption blog land- I feel tremendously blessed that all of you share your lives, stories, wishes, hopes, fears, triumphs, and frustrations on your blogs. I also a deeply grateful for those of you who take the time to read this blog and offer your advice and support. As difficult as this time is for me, I know it would be unbearable without the support and friendship that you all so generously offer. This Christmas, know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers, and I consider all of you valuable and treasured "gifts" this Christmas.

Deep Thoughts

2006-12-07T18:17:00.000-05:00

(well, no not really that deep, but they are my thoughts after all... )

I really did enjoy "Scandal at Scourie" yesterday...perhaps because of its disney-esque qaulities. I appreciated that they tackled some difficult issues while still managing to make it a positive, happy film. Probably not very realistic, but still, I agree with Christina, I like happy endings!

Ever since I was a small child, I have liked movies about orphans and adoption. Of course, as a child I never thought about the more complex issues of adoption- I was able to immerse myself in those stories without giving any thought to "reality"- Goodness knows, I watched Annie enough times that I went through two VHS tapes of the film! Over the years, I have watched many other orphan/adoption movies: Boystown running a close second to Annie as a personal favorite. And I musn't forget Pollyana, a wonderful Haley Mills Disney film (although Parent Trap is my all time favorite). The Apple Dumpling Gang was another favorite, as was Six Pack - a movie where Kenny Rogers adopts a "crew" of orphans. Bing Crosby did a film "Little Boy Lost" that also had an orphan theme to it- not recognized as one of his better films, but still one that I watch when I come across it on television.

Literature, also, is rich with orphan and adoption themes (I think you are right E., often times stories tackle difficult societal issues by using sympathetic and endearing characters such as orphans that the viewer/reader identifies with and cheers on): Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, Oliver Twist, David Copperfield, Anne of Green Gables, Pippi Longstocking, Paddington Bear, Wizard of Oz, and currently the most popular orphan of all: Harry Potter.

All of these films and books are great stories that I loved as a child and continue to love as an adult. I look at adoption through "different eyes" now, but I am glad (should I be ashamed? I dunno) that I am still able to enjoy these stories. I am glad that these fictional children and fictional parents were able to come together and form a family so easily....it made me, as a child, believe that adoption was a great thing and even made me somewhat envious of these children who found the 'perfect families" (I doubt I was the only little girl who desperately wanted to be Annie!)

And I am glad now, that these films and books are still around and still available to me to enjoy. I know that "real life" is much more "hard Knock" than these stories share (well, save for the Dickens novels, talk about dreary living-but they did wrap up nicely in the end), and I am fully aware that our own adoption journey is not being scripted by Disney.

I spend a lot of time on yahoo adoption groups and I agree that debates about ethical adoption, corruption, lost referrals, closed countries, attachment disorders, developmental problems/autism, agencies from hell and racism are all important to address and I do not hide from these issues.......

Yet sometimes I need the escape that stories such as these provide: a reminder of what drew me to adoption in the first place, a good dose of optimism and license to dream of a perfect adoption story- overall a good contrast to the more complex, difficult, and sometimes heartbreaking elements of adoption in the "real world."

Hell yeah, its a hard knock life, but thank goodness we at least have a song we can sing about it! And I still love and admire the optimism of any one who can sing (without sarcasm) the Annie song "Tomorrow"

Anyone else have a favorite adoption movie? Or hates them and wants to kick me in the you-know-what for being such a goof ball? Anyone else want to admit that they wanted to be Annie? Or.....are there a few dark souls out there that secretly wanted to be the "Bad Seed?" - Kidding!!

I promise to be more serious and realistic in my next blog.....

"Scandal at Scourie"

2006-12-06T12:48:00.000-05:00

I am watching a movie on TCM called "Scandal at Scourie" starring Greer Garson and Walter Pidgeon. The basic plot of the movie is this: a Protestant couple adopts a Roman Catholic orphan girl. The father is running for political office, and this adoption becomes a great "scandal." While generally a "disney-esque" movie, it does hit on some sensitive issues about "the propriety of a couple adopting a child of another religion of their own" [while in that time period the religion is the issue, for those of us adopting internationally, we could easily insert culture/race along with religion. ]

Some disturbing elements of the film (disclaimer: I am well aware that this is an older film, and therefore it is not entirely fair to critique it based on current culture/beliefs/ etc) that have given me cause for thought about how adoption is viewed in our culture.

1. in the opening scene, we find the littl girl, Patsy, about to let her golfish go in a stream. Mrs Victoria McChesney (Greer Garson) happens upon little Patsy and strikes up a conversation with her. In the course of the conversation, Patsy reveals that she is an orphan, traveling with about 14 other orphans, on their way to Manitoba, for their orphanage burned down. At each train stop, the nuns and priest in charge of the orphans are "giving us away to whoever will have us." Patsy goes on to say that "of course, the best are all taken first"

2. Predictably, Victoria McChesney is taken by this girl and asks the girl if she would like to come to her husband's store for some sweets and lemonade. She introduces the child to her husband, Patrick McChesney, who is at first quite taken by Patsy as well. Mrs McChesney explains to her husband that "They are giving these children to whoever will take them. Does she have to get back on the train, Patrick?" Patrick responds by giving Patsy a pretty necklace and commenting on how much she looks like Mrs McChesney. Patsy replies "and you look like Father Frank!" Upon learning the child is roman catholic, his mood alters drastically and he rather gruffly says he will make sure she gets back on the train."

3. of course, Mrs McChesney manages to make sure they do not make the train (the stock boy has to take them as Mr McChesney has a customer he has to deal with), by coming up with all kinds of delays. Still, upon arriving at the train station, the nuns are still there. The train is late, and so were able to wait for Patsy. Mrs McChesney asks if she can keep Patsy, but the nuns and the priest are reluctant upon discovering McChesney is Protestant. They finally agree she can take Patsy as long as she raises her Catholic. McChesney is told that Patsy was found in a basket on the doorstep of the orphanage at one week old.

4. All is not roses, of course. Mr McChesney is not happy about it. But he starts to come around. The town is in an uproar over the adoption of a Roman Catholic child by the McChesney's. The kids at school tease Patsy for being Roman Catholic. Patsy doesn't understand why she can't go to church with her "mother." Mrs McChesney agrees to go to Mass with Patsy on her first Sunday, which sets off her minister and others in the town. Mr McChesney's political opponents accuse him of trying to "get the Catholic vote." the town paper prints an article highly critical of the adoption, and Mrs McChesney hunts down the reporter at the barber shop and smacks him in the face with a towel repeatedly (Personally, I cheered at this scene GO MOM)

5. it turns out that the girl accidently burnt down the orphanage. Later in the film, there is a fire that burns down the school and the whole town blames Patsy. here Mr. McChesney stands up in a town meeting and defends his daughter, and dramatically resigns his leadership roles in the church and community and withdraws his campaign for political office- saying his daugther is more important to him than all of that. He then leaves, with wife in tow, stating "I am going home to my daugther!" When they arive home, Patsy has run away (with her goldfish, of course). The town manages to rally together to help the McChesney's find Patsy (in a pouring rainstorm of course).

6.Meanwhile, a letter is brought to the bad newspaper reporter (who is behind all the uproar) by the priest written by a boy who confesses to starting the fire that burnt the school down himself and he has run away also. The two kids find each other in the storm and decide to head to Manitoba together. Lots of drama- essentially the storm ends, Mrs McChesney is still out looking (it is the next day) for Patsy. She goes to the river where she first met Patsy, finds the gold fish, starts crying, hears a sneeze, finds Patsy hiding under a old turned over row boat. Mr McChesney shows up, tells Patsy he does love her and he is sorry that she ever thought he didn't want her. The other kid comes out of hiding...everyone else shows up....big scene of Patsy on the lap of both parents, riding in a horse drawn wagon, the whole town walking with them, all sing Frere Jaques. (ok this is truly a classic silly, utopian disney like ending.. nothing like neatly tying up all the issues with a song)

I have many thoughts and comments about this film and its portrayal of adoption- i.e. "Cross-cultural" adoption. it was released in 1953, so it is dated. But the issues are still valid, if a bit different these days. But I will hold off on these comments for now, and give you all a chance to comment.....what do you think about adoption movies? what do you think about what I have shared about this movie? Do you like these movies? Or did you once like them, but now that you are adoptive famillies, or adoptive families in the making, do you see them differently? Why do you think that there are so few adoption movies these days? Did the portrayal of orphans in these old films hurt or promote adoption? They are mostly unrealistic, of course. What do you think about happy ever after orphan stories? Better to have them, or better to have no orphan stories at all?

What do you think, should I do more posts about these type of movies and/or media portrayals of adoption? (i.e. we could talk about Annie -the classic orphan story) Is this something you are interested in hearing about/discussing? Let me know....

[as a final thought, do you applaud this movie for attempting to deal with some tougher issues (different religions/adoption prejudice), or do you think that its disney-esque elements over-ride this attempt? ]

I Lied

2006-12-05T14:47:00.000-05:00

During our homestudy visit, the social worker asked us to list our strengths.

I told him that one of my strengths was patience.

That was a lie.

Now, in my defense, at the time I said it, I believed it to be a true statement.

Today, I did a little adoption math: time for 171h approval + referral wait time+wait to travel time= completed adoption.

Best case scenario, we might be about to travel by next Christmas.

Doing math makes me cranky anyway, but doing this math pretty much sent me on a completely- out -of- proportion- but -true -to -the -magnitude- of -my frustration rant. Luckily no one is home with me but the dogs, and they just looked at me quizzically as if to say "What is she going on about?"

Apparently, I really do not have the patience for this whole process.

Today is definitely a Charlie Brown day. as in, I feel like Charlie Brown. Or perhaps like Linus when Snoopy steals his security blanket.

And did I mention I found a grey hair this morning?????

Is There a Doctor in the House?

2006-12-03T22:07:00.000-05:00

R and I did a walmart run (the evil empire) as I needed a new inhaler and the walmart pharmacy is the easiest (and least expensive) pharmacy around here. I walk up to the counter, tell the assitant my name and that I need a refill on my albuterol inhaler. The friendly assistant informs me that they no longer carry that particular type of inhaler- news to me as I just had it refilled four weeks ago (ahem. asthma issues lately, long story).
"Oh" I say (yes, brilliant remark, wasn't it?).
I must have looked a bit panicked (the thought of not being able to breathe tends to do that to me) for she tells me not to worry, that she can easily switch my prescription to the new inhaler. The new inhaler has the same stuff (albuterol) but does not have the fluero- something -carbons (sorry, I am not up on my chemistry). Not sure what they are, but apparently they are bad things. Sure took them a long tim to decide that though, since I have had albuterol inhalers since I was 5.
R and I shop a bit, pick up some Dingo bones for the dogs, a few things on our list of Christmas presents to buy for family, some other odds and ends, and then head back to the pharmacy.
That new improved super duper inhaler without the very bad fluero-something- carbons? Well, it cost 32 dollars. with insurance! without insurance, the tech tells us, it cost around 90 dollars.
The old "white inhaler"? yeah, that one cost us a grand total of 10 dollars. 17 without insurance.
and this new inhaler is half the size as the "old" inhaler.
Needless to say, I am pissed. Boo Hiss to ProAir for being so expensive! and down with wal mart for not carrying the "old" inhaler anymore.
I definitely need to call my doctor and find out if all the pharmacies are switching to carrying Pro Air only. Or else I need to find some different, cheaper, asthma meds.
Do they still make those Primatine Mist thingies?

Kids Crack Me Up

2006-12-03T19:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Robert and I joined some friends at the community Christmas Tree lighting/ Carol singing/ visit from Santa and Mrs Claus ceremony. We are part of a group that started a family center, and the center co-hosted this event with the local community association. Our family center and the community association building are right next to each other, so we set up decorations, food, etc in each building and lit the "path" between each yard. Our good friends, J and D, brought their grandchildren: two boys - J, age 6, H age 5- and one girl- B, age 4. Here are some of the conversations I had with the little munchkins:

(an earlier conversation on the phone prior to meeting at the center)
Me: Hi B! Are you excited to see Santa Claus tonight?
B: I am a pony! Can't you hear me feet clip clopping?

(sound of phone being put down, then being picked up by H)

Me: Hi, H!
H: "I want lots of presents for Christmas!" (click, phone hangs up)
Me: Hello? H? Hello? (dial tone)

Me: Wow, J, your dad said that you guys hit a deer on the way here! That must have been scary!
J (wide-eyed): Yeah. and you know what? the deer hit us with his BUTT!!

(later on, after Santa came and left, and we are cleaning up the center, the kids are in the playgroup room. An argument ensues over a toy, and B comes out wailing about how she is never gonna like "those brothers" a gain)

Me: Sounds like things arent' going so well in there. (Picking B up and holding her)
B: No..they are mean and they took my bean bag chair and..and..and... (sniffs, tears, major drama queen gestures)
J (the grandma): I don't know B, doesn't sound like they are being very nice. Maybe you should tell Santa about those brothers of yours."
Me: "Hey, I have an idea! Maybe we should send Santa an email"
B (with a very serious look on her face) : "Yeah, cuz they sure aren't being much good!"

It is so hard to keep a straight face sometimes! LOL

1600A

2006-11-30T13:11:00.000-05:00

According to the handy dandy tracking system on USPS site, our application was delivered yesterday morning at 10:49 a.m. According to the official paperwork, we should "allow 90 days for processing." Of course, who knows how accurate that time line is, I have heard of nightmarish long waits for approval.
Now, here is my stupid question of the day: Is it 90 days to get a fingerprint appointment, or it is 90 days for the total process?" I realize this is something I should allready know, but obviously I don't or I wouldn't be asking. ha.

Also, should I have R send away for his birth certificate now, or should we wait to do that? R was born in Mississippi, so its not as easy as going down to the county clerk's office and getting a copy- which is how I obtained copies of my birth certificate. I know that dossier paperwork needs to be no older than six months- I don't want to send away for his birth certificate only to have to go through the trouble again later because it is oudated. On the other hand, if we can do this now, I'd just as soon get it done.

And, since I am on a roll with questions, here is another one. What happens if someone changes jobs AFTER the homestudy and INS "stuff" is done? Do we have to start all over again? Do we need to do an adendum to the homestudy? I know that all the information in the homestudy has to match the dossier paperwork - and the dossier paperwork asks for employment letters- so obviously there is going to be a "mis match" if a job change takes place after homestudy and INS.

If anyone has any insights to any/all of this questions, do share. Inquiring Minds Want to Know :)

My favorite piece of furniture in the baby's room

2006-11-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

The dresser in this picture has a story connected to it (good thing, right, as it doesn't exactly match the scottie dog theme). This dresser belonged to my mother when she was a little girl. When my mom was pregnant for me, my father redid the dresser and put the puppy dog decals on it- my parents didn't have a lot of money when the were married and it was the one thing he could do for my mom (and for me). When my sister had her first child, the dresser was given to her for my niece's bedroom. Then my sister had her son, and he inherited the dresser. Recently my mom gave it to me, so that when our child comes home, he will be the next generation to enjoy it.

My dad passed away in August of 2004, so our son will never know him in person. But he will have this dresser that his grandpa worked so lovingly on so that his daughter (me) would have a nice piece of furniture for her room. And I will be able to tell our son the story about this dresser- how his grandma had it when she as a toddler, how I had it (newly refinished with puppy icons) when I was a baby, how A had it in her room, and then A had it in his. And I hope that in the telling of that story our son will get a sense of what his grandpa was like- a man who, when he had no money, was struggled to make ends meet, and had a new wife, and a baby on the way, put what spare time he had into refinishing a beat up old dresser so that it was shiny and new.

So that is why, even though it does not really fit the "theme" of the nursery, it is my favorite piece of furniture.

Bogey and Ben

2006-11-26T14:04:00.000-05:00

My friend L and I took some pictures of the nursery (still a lot of work to do on it), and Bogey and Ben decided to get in on the action. Both boys like the crib as they can see out the window when they are in it. Of course, the one thing you are never supposed to do is let the dogs in the crib, as they will think of it as their territory. Unfortunately, Bogey and Ben did not read that particular article in Adoptive Parents magazine!!

Finally!

2006-11-25T17:39:00.000-05:00

Our completed homestudy arrived today in the mail! Save for two misspellings, everything looks good. So we are going to take the chance that those two misspellings (minor ones) are not going to ruin our lives and we filled out the 1-600A today (actually just finished it a few minutes ago), gathered the required documents, wrote out the check, and addressed the envelope. On monday I will go down to the post office and send it off via certified mail.

Then we wait on Detroit to get it, review it, give us our fingerpint appointment, and approve it.

I am thrilled to reach this next step...but now my ever obsessive worry wart mind is allready afraid that for some reason they will deny our application.

Does that happen often???????

Where or Where....

2006-11-21T18:29:00.000-05:00

is our blasted homestudy? Our final visit was September 17th! It is now November 21st. We went over the rough draft, sent in the corrections, and now here we sit. waiting. waiting. waiting.
I really hate waiting. I know, I know, I need to have patience. Adoption takes patience.
But seriously, what is the hold up, people!!! 1400 bucks plus travel, lodging, and meals....I should think that is more than enough money to qualify for faster service than this!
ok. I am done ranting. for now.

Life in Hicksville, USA

2006-11-19T17:49:00.000-05:00

Proof that I live in Hicksville, USA:

Saturday, 10 a.m. R and I hop in the car to go the post office to apply for our passports. We walk in the door, place our paperwork on the counter, and look at the post office worker expectantly. "We would like to apply for our passports please."
Post Office Worker: "oh my. we don't do those here."
R: "You don't?"
Post Office Worker: "No, I don't think so. Let me check (shouts to some anonymous postal worker in the backroom "Hey we don't do passports, do we?" She shouts back "Never done one before."). Nope, Sorry. we don't do them."
R: "How about the Marquette Post Office?" (Referring to the "big city" of Marquette about twenty minutes away)
Post Office Worker: "Oh no. They don't do them either. I think you have to go to Green Bay to get it done."
Me: "Green Bay WISCONSIN?" (a three and a half hour drive. to another state. for a passport. what the hell is this, some kind of Saturday Night Live version of Mayberry?)
Post Office Worker: "Yes. In fact I need to go get one myself. We have family in the Soo (Sault Ste Marie, Michigan) and I just heard we can't go across the bridge to shop (Sault Ste Marie, Ontario, Canada) without a passport."
R: "Do you think you could call Marquette and ask them if they do them?" (cleary incredilous and probably ready to divorce me for dragging up here to Hicksville where you have to drive to the next state over to get a #(*&# Passport)
Post Office Worker: "Um sure. Why not." (at least he is an agreeable sort. If a little goofy)
[Post Office Worker calls Marquette Post Office while R and I exchange looks and mouth to each other "GREEN BAY?" ]
Post Office Worker: "Imagine that. they say they don't do it. But that you can go to the County Court House and they do it."
Me: "OK. that makes sense."
R: "Great. thanks"
Post OFfice worker: " Where is that exactly? The court house I mean. Is in the same building as the Post Office is?" (clearly he is thinking about the federal court, which is upstairs from the marquette post office)
Me: "No. It is by the jail. The County Clerk's Office, You know, the "other" court house." [Now, I happen to know this man has lived in the Upper Penninsula his whole life. He has been at this particular post office forever and a day. Marquette is only twenty minutes up the road. The only place to shop. Where Walmart is, for goodness sake. How can he NOT KNOW WHERE THE DARN
COURT HOUSE IS?!!]
Post Office Worker: "Oh ok. thanks. Glad to know that I don't have to go to Green Bay."
Me: "Sure thing. Have a nice day."

And that, my friends, is life in Hicksville, USA

Confessions of a scared PAP

2006-11-17T11:08:00.000-05:00

A very good friend of mine, J, was adopted as an infant during the time period when domestic adoptions were, for all intents and purposes, closed. Over the years, she has managed to gather a few precious pearls of information about her birth mother, but never enough to actually find her. She has allways wanted to know more, a fact that she has willingly shared with close friends and has been careful to downplay with her mother- who is very sensitive about the birth family "issue."

The other day, through a series of serendipitous events (I really cannot give details, as it is her story to share) she connected with her birth mother's family. She is so excited, overwhelmed, scared, and thrilled. She will be meeting her biological aunt and other family members soon.

I told her how thrilled I was for her to finally have some of the missing pieces about her birth parents. And I truly am thrilled for her. And scared for her. and, as much as I am able to, I feel her excitement and nervousness and sense of being overwhelmed with the whole experience. I love her dearly and was brought to tears by her reaction. "I feel like a completely new person." she told me. That makes sense to me.

All that being true, I must confess: among all the happy feelings and joy I had for her I also had a reaction that I am puzzled, and a bit ashamed, of: A small, but distinct sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. A sense of what? dismay? fear? Both. And more.

When I shared this news with R over dinner last night, he said "oh my gosh, she must be so thrilled.' But he also had an almost imperceptible wince. Ah, he feels it also.

Why, I asked him, am I so bothered by this? I should be nothing but happy. And yet...yet I feel other decidedly not happy feelings.

The truth is, as much as I am so "hip" about adoption, the triad, the "its good to know about birth parents and isn't open adoption so wonderful" and all of that "stuff" (and I do truly believe in and advocate for openness in adoption) deep deep DEEP down, I have that "not politically correct" feeling that in some ways I really do not want to know that much about our child's birth mother. I dread the days that are likely to come where my child wants to know more about her, wants to find her, meet her, and has fantasies about her.

In a word, I am jealous of her, the woman who will carry and give birth to our child. I have a deep seated fear that I am "second best." If not "second best" at the very least "second choice." And a part of me can completely understand J's mother's "sensitivity" about J's birth parents. I hate that I will not be able to answer the questions our child will have- at least not answer them in a satisfactory matter. Our child will wonder, will want to know, and will have to wrestle with what it means to be adopted. I do not want him to ever feel he cannot ask questions, wonder about his birth mother (and father), and have fantasies about meeting her (them).

But I know that when he does ask, wonder, and fantasize, I will have this tiny, but distinct, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. small, petty jealousy. Feelings of inadequacy. And, I am ashamed to admit it, relief that his birth family is thousands of miles away in Vietnam, not 100 miles away in a small town in our state.

And this, my friends, has me feeling terrible. Do I really have what it takes to be a good parent to our child. I fear that I may not be. I know that I am hardly the ideal adoptive parent.

J, I know you dont' know about this blog and probably won't ever read this. But know that I love you. I support you completely as you enter into this exciting and overwhelming journey to connect with your birth family. Forgive me for not being a better person. I find comfort in knowing that you, being such an open and caring and sharing person, will be able to connect with my child in ways that I never will- that you will be there for him when those questions arise in ways that I may not be able, that you will be there to step in where I may fail to understand and help me be a better parent, a better person.

The hunt for "Moon Doggie"

2006-11-14T10:53:00.000-05:00

Thank you, everyone, for your advice about Bogey's newly aquired "toy phobia" and your comments on the crib bedding. Lee asked where we found this bedding (Hi Lee! We used to be on a Scottie yahoo group together!), so I thought I would share a little bit about the "hunt" for this particular bedding style.
This crib set (and accessories: rug, bookends, two peg shelf, diaper stacker, and lamp) is from the "Moon Doggie" line from a company called "California Kids." We used to live in Fairhope, Alabama, and in the next town over, Daphnee, Alabama was a "Tuesday Morning" store where we loved to shop. Well, right next door to "Tuesday Morning" was a baby furniture/nursery store and, on the wall in this store, was this awesome rug with a white scottie on it (the rug from the "moon doggie" line). I dragged R in there one saturday (this was after we decided to adopt and were sure we would be adopting from Gautemala) to check it out. Turns out there was a whole line of products with this cute white/wheaten scottie dog! And, of course, the whole line of products was ridiculously expensive and there was no way I could convince R that we needed to buy it. He looked at the price list and said "Ebay."

This was two (almost three) years ago. I have searched Ebay everyday for "California Kids Moon Doggie." Early on in my search I did manage to bid on (and win) the crib set: bumper, sheets, and comforter for a whopping 100 bucks (the catalog price for this set was approx $356.00 and up). Then there was a dry spell of about a year where nothing "Moon Doggie" was ever put on ebay. About a year ago, I found THE RUG on ebay and bought it (50 bucks, brand new which was a steal!). Then, just about six months ago, some wonderful person put up an auction with the crib set (two sets of sheets, bumper, comforter, pillow), book shelf, book ends, diaper stacker, painted "moon doggie" pictures, painted "moon" and "stars" pictures (Must have been done by the seller, as the line does not show these, but they are so darn cute!), and four painted wood picture frames that match the reds and yellows in the "moon doggie" print.

I bid. I won. Are you ready for this? winning bid 65.00 plus shipping!!!!!
of course, I now have two crib sets of "moon doggie" - which even I admit is a bit ridiculous. But hey, the wooden book ends alone are close to a hundred dollars (they are supposedly "hand painted" according to the California Kids catalog), so how could I not bid on this lot? Who knows, we might need that extra crib set. And if not, maybe I can re-sell it on ebay.

Now all I need is the elusive "moon doggie" lamp! But Ebay seems to be going through a dry spell with moon doggie stuff. sigh. I WANT THAT LAMP!!!!

"Bogey" Baby Bedding

2006-11-12T19:10:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to take a photo of the baby's room (and truthfully, everyone else's nursery photos are so awesome that I am afraid I can't compete anyway), but I thought I could post a pic of the bedding we picked out and purchased for the baby's room.

The Bogey Blues

2006-11-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

My poor scottie dog, Bogey, has the blues! He has allways been a toy loving dog- he has a basket full of "babies" (i.e. stuffed toys with squeekers in them) in the living room and a smaller box of toys in our bedroom and througout the day he takes them out and brings them to us to play. R and Bogey have a ritual: every evening around five thirty, Bogey grabs one of his babies from the basket and brings it to Robert with a pleading "AROOO" , tail wagging, ears up, and feet prancing: his way of saying "it's time to play NOW." This has been the ritual since he was a puppy- he is now two years old-and it is one of the things we love about him (Ben loves babies also, but prefers to rip them apart and take the squeeker out. He only gets the urge to "play" this way every once in awhile).

Last week, however, Tragedy struck. Bogey and R were playing with a new toy- a very long "loofa dog" with multiple squeekers- and, somehow, in the game of tug they were engaged in, Bogey's beard got pulled. Bogey squawked, came barreling upstairs (I was in the bedroom at the time) and lept into my lap, shaking and whimpering.

Bogey has not touched one of his precious babies since. He absolutely will NOT play toys with R. He will not play toys with me. He will not even play with them by himself. We have tried and tried to entice him to play again, but nothing doin. Everytime R tries to engage him in a game of tug, Bogey wags his tail, whimpers, (he clearly wants to play), and then tucks his tail down and seeks me out to hold him.

We did a lot of research on Scottish Terrier's before we got Bogey, so we knew they were rather sensitive dogs- their feelings get hurt very easily. But Bogey seems to be takin this to the extreme! It's breaking my heart (and R's too- he feels so guilty!) to see my once toy lovin playful little buddy moping around and *not* playing at all.

Has anyone out there ever dealt with this kind of neurotic dog behavior before? I am desperate for ideas for how to help this little goof ball get back to his normal self. Before this, the only thing that ever "scared" him was R sneezing (a sure fire way to get Bogey to run to me to "save him" is for R to let out a sneeze!). Where is that little tough guy scottie attitude? He wasn't hurt- I checked his teeth, his gums, and his beard and could not find any sign of serious trauma.

Does the Dog Whisperer deal with "Toy Trauma"?

Birthday Presents

2006-11-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

Well, after much rushing around and dealing with very rude customer service people, I finally bought R a birthday present: a handheld GPS system. Basically an expensive toy for big boys. ha.

BUT..when I got home and checked our email, an even better birthday present was in the inbox: the rough draft of our homestudy!!!!!!!

Once he is done playing with his new toy (he is outside right now with Bogey checking it out) we will look at the homestudy and see if we need to correct any factual information in it. (oh please let everything be perfect!)

Happy Birthday!

2006-11-09T10:47:00.000-05:00

Today is R's birthday!!! Of course he is working late and then has a meeting, so it pretty much screws up any birthday celebration plans for the day. sigh. I was going to take him out to dinner someplace nice. Now I am going to have to go to plan B: buy him a birthday present. Only I have idea what to buy him!

Hopefully by his next birthday I will be able to buy him a "happy birthday daddy" card.

But if the wait time keeps growing at the rate it is, I think we will be lucky if he is a father by the big 5-0 birthday.

Law Mommy's Blog Challenge

2006-11-08T11:13:00.000-05:00

G over at Adventures of Law Mommy has sent out an SOS- she is in between books and desperate for new reads. As an avid reader, I completely understand the desperation of not having a book to read. Not sure how much this will help you out, my friend (I have rather eclectic taste in books) but here is a list of the books I have read in the last month and a half:

Leaving the Saints - by Martha Beck (a memoir about her struggles with her Mormon faith. She also wrote a wonderful book "Expecting Adam" about the pregnancy and birth of her son with downs syndrome)
A Hole in the World- Richard Rhodes (a favorite memoir of mine, deals with child abuse)
After Long Silence - Helen Fremont (a memoir of the Holocaust. Helen's parents were from Eastern Europe, escaped to america, raised their children as Catholic- it was only as adults that Helen and her sister discovered their parents are Jewish)
On Hitler's Mountain: overcoming the legacy of a Nazi childhood - Irmgard A. Hunt (memoir)
The Morality of Adoption: Social-Psychological,Theological, and Legal Perspectives - Timothy P. Jackson, editor
Name All the Animals- Alison Smith (memoir of childhood/brother's suicide)
When Heaven and Earth Change Places - a vietnamese woman's journey from war to peace- Le Ly Hayslip
After Sorrow Comes Joy- one woman's struggle to bring hope to thousands of children in Vietnam and India - Cherie Clark
Finding Katherine: a spiritual journey to Vietnam and Motherhood - Dr Ellen Fitzenrider
A Wild Ride up the Cupboards-Anne Bauer (memoir: mother of a son with autism)
Send in the Idiots:Stories from the other side of Autism- Kamran Nazeer
Night- Elie Wiesel (famous holocuast memoir)
Learning Joy from Dogs without Collars- Lauralee Summer (memoir of growing up homeless. Lauralee eventually gets into Harvard)
When Broken Glass Floats: Growing up under the Kmer Rouge - Chanrithy Him
First They Killed My Father: a daugther of Cambodia Remembers - Loung Ung
Colors of the Mountain- Da Chen (memoir of a boyhood in China)
Falling Leaves: The Memoir of an Unwanted Chinese Daugther - Adeline Yen Mah
All Souls: A Family Story from Southie- Michael Patrick MacDonald (memoir of growing up in South Boston)
Change Me Into Zeus's Daugther- Barbara Robinette Moss (a memior of growing up poor in the south)
Three Weeks With My Brother- Nicholas Sparks and Micah Sparks
Under the Banner of Heaven: A story of Violent Faith - Jon Krakauer
The Baby Boat: A memoir of Adoption - Patty Dann

Some Fiction Books (cuz I realize I am a memoir Junkie and should include some fiction I read as most people are not memoir junkies)

Me and Emma - Elizabeth Flock
Mother of Pearl- Melinda Haynes (Melinda and I met while I was working on my M.T.S...she is a tremendous writer- before reading her book, the only fiction writer from the south I was a huge fan of was Pat Conroy.)
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (oldie but goodie, I reread it periodically)

Well, that is about it for what I have read recently. I am sure I will go through a fiction phase soon- so perhaps we can do this again when I have more fiction books to report (but seriously, read Mother of Pearl. it rocks) Right now I am re-reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince....I hate reading this one, for the ending depresses the hell out of me. But I am hitting a 'no books to read" crisis myself and so I am delving back into my shelves these days.

Where is Noelle?

2006-11-08T10:43:00.000-05:00

Has anyone heard from "My Sweet Noelle"? Every time I check her blog, the latest entry is the 9/11 entry. Is there something wrong with my link, or is she mising in action?

The Baby Boat

2006-11-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

A delightful excerpt from an adoption memoir I am reading called "The Baby Boat":
June 22, 1996
When I bent down to get the New York Times on the front door the other day (which day I'm not entirely sure; the days of the week have melted into one another), there was a front page article on children from Russia, adopted by Americans, who have turned out to be pyromaniacs.
Today, when a neighbor came by to meet the baby, she studied Kuba sucking on a rubber ball on the kitchen floor and pronounced: "He looks okay. Do you know anything about his parents?"
I was tempted to say, "We're terrific, don't you think?" and light a match, but refrained. [ p216,The Baby Boat by Patty Dann, published by Hyperion, New York, 1998]

Blog On!

2006-11-01T10:34:00.000-05:00

Thank you, everyone who left a comment or sent me an email about my little freak out the other day over blogging about the adoption. I am especially grateful to those of you who wrote me who are with the same agency we chose, as it allayed some of my nuerotic fears. I have decided that as long as I am careful, there is no reason why I should not blog on!

Nothing all that exciting going on in yooperland- we managed to hunt down a free notary republic to notarize the one page document requested by our agency that needs to be included in the mass of papers known as home study documents (aka our life on paper) and everything has been sent out to the "right" people: the agreement to the adoption agency and the final few things that the homestudy agency needed in order to finally finish the homestudy. So much for "we will have it done within a week of the final visit." Ah well. Patience is a virtue, right?

In other news, I am becoming quite adept at putting catalogs together and packaged for shipping. 100 done yesterday, 300 more to go. Rather mind-numbing stuff, to be honest. I have to keep reminding myself about all the bonuses of being a work at home ..person (boy I can't wait to type work at home mom!): save a lot of money in gas, the dogs are not left alone for umpteen hours on end, I don't have to fall into full blown panic mode if I wake up late, I am not working with at risk teenagers anymore (which I enjoyed for the most part, but it is a lot easier to deal with customers asking about their orders than it is to deal with homelessness, drug addiction, teen pregnancy, child abuse, etc) and I am not having to drive one hour to get to work and one hour back again everyday (this is a big bonus now that winter is on its way...I so hated that drive in the winter time. and there are so many deer on the road that I am allways paranoid I am going to commit vehicular bambi homicide)...
soo....its all good, right? right! (oh please please please let me remain convinced of this!!!)
one final little funny story to tell....yesterday (Halloween) I went over to the new Family Center that a group of us have worked very hard to create and get up and running....with the idea that we would hand out glow in the dark sillicone bracelets to the trick or treaters, along with a little invitation card for the open house next week. The house that was donated to us for the Center (rent free for six months, then we have to pick up the rent cost) is located across the street from a pretty congested apartment complex- prime location for trick or treaters, right?
Wrong. Turns out all the trick or treaters (who were probably freezing as the weather was not kind this year) stuck to that side of the street and very few ventured over to our side of the street. So....I finally grabbed out little light up pumkin candy bucket (filled with the bracelets and little invites) and went out on the sidewalk trying to lure the kids over.....I wasnt out there but a few minutes (with several "takers" by the way) before it occurred to me what I was doing: offering treats to kids to get them to come to the house! Worse, I was a stranger (the enemy of McGruff the crime dog lol) standing out on a dark street, wearing a baseball cap on backwards (part of my rather lame costume: a red sox fan)- which probably made me look like a cross between a gang banger and the profile of a child molester. Yikes!!!!

Advice Needed

2006-10-29T19:26:00.000-05:00

ok, all you great adoption blog readers, I really need your help. R and I received our official acceptance letter from the agency on Friday, including the contract, country guidelines, homestudy guidelines, etc. The contract seems pretty standard (i.e. there are no guarantees, and fees paid for services rendered are not refundable blah blah blah). However, there is one part of the contract that my neurotic mind has latched onto and is gnawing over like a dog with a bone:

....agree that all information provided with respect to the adoption process shall be held in the strictest confidence by both parties and no information or document shall be released to a third party without the consent of the other. Third parties shall include newspapers, internet, and other public media, as well as any other person or organization not authorized to have access to an Applicant's information......

My question/worry/freak-out is this: does this mean I cannot blog? or that I can blog, but cannot disclose the agency's name (which I have been careful not to do anyway, out of some irrational paranoia)? Does this mean I cannot post referral pictures (which is ridiculous for me to worry about at this point in the journey, but if I am going to freak out I might as well do it all the way)?

Gasp...Is even posting that little excerpt from the agreement in violation of the contract? Should I start looking over my shoulder? Carrying mace?

Well, I am off to sign this thing. Hopefully I am not signing away the privilege to blog and hang out here in adoption blogland.

Maybe its the time change, but I think I am getting just a tad loopy over all of this. Or perhaps its the whole "oh wow we really ARE finally starting!"

What do you think?

Random Thoughts on Madonna and Adoption

2006-10-25T17:55:00.000-05:00

Although I rarely watch daytime TV, I did tune in to Oprah today to hear what Madonna (the pop icon, not the religious icon, obviously) had to say about her much publicized adoption of a 13 month old boy from Mawali.
First impressions (and wholly apart from what she actually said about the adoption): 1. since I haven't paid any attention to Madonna since the days of "material girl" and "spank me" (aka, high school days) I was surprised at her subdued, conservative appearance. 2. mature, conservative appearance aside, for someone who has spent most of her life in the public eye, she was decidedly not eloquent. In fact, she stammered, stuttered, and repeated herself. Dunno, maybe its the time change between Chicago and England. 3. What is with that Faux-English accent? (then again, maybe that is why she stammered and stuttered and was not very polished. maybe it is a hard accent to put on).

OK enough nitpicking about her appearance and presentation (seriously, who do I think I am to comment on that anyway?). As for the adoption of little David himself, and wholly apart from the impact of her "star status" upon the adoption process in Malawi, I think that her motives were pure and its unfortunate that the attention is on the "oh big shot star circumvented the rules and adopted this poor boy and took advantage of his "simple" birth father." I don't know about anyone else, but before this media debacle, I had no idea Malawi existed, let alone the extreme poverty and large number of orphaned children. If Madonna's adoption raises awareness even a little bit about the orphans in Africa and orphans worldwide in general, then that is a good thing. a very very good thing.

Also, (and this might get me flamed big time but what the hell I will say it anyway) the birth father of this little boy has probably been hounded by reporters and paparazzi and other such bloodhounds and doesn't know what to think. He wants what is best for his baby, I am sure. In a perfect world, he would have been able to care and feed and love him in his own home. This is not (big shocker here) a perfect world. How dare those people hound him and torment him about his motivations and ask him over and over -"did you know that"-"are you sure you wanted to do this"-"weren't you pressured to do this" -"Did you know this woman was very rich"- and toss other other such antagonistic probing questions at him in the hopes of getting a good "sound bite."

Adoption is never clear cut as far as ethics are concerned. It is not an easy choice for anyone: birth parents, adoptive parents, and child. We are fooling ourselves if we think otherwise. There is pain and loss involved. It is far more emotionally complicated than ladybugs, dragonflies, chosen child poems, culture camps, red threads, and the ever present "God's will" and "God chose this child for me" and "It was meant to be." It is far richer and far better and far more difficult and far more exciting and far more soul searching and far more EVERYTHING than all of that.

Is adoption a wonderful journey? Hell yes! Is adoption a difficult journey? Hell yes! Is Adoption one of the most exciting, most intimidating, most frustrating, most rewarding, most joy filling and most tear producing ways of forming a family? Hell Yes!

Ahem. now I will step off of my soap box and take a few deep breaths. I do tend to get carried away sometimes, but it is my blog, after all. So if I want to make a fool of myself and post it for the whole web to take a gander at, its my choice, right? never get in the way of a determined fool with a motor mouth. ha!

Update on Adoption

2006-10-24T17:43:00.000-05:00

Another step, albiet a tiny one, towards bringing our baby boy (or will it be boys?) home, has been taken.
After a lot of thought, discussion, and prayer R and I decided to go with the agency we had first chosen back in January that sent our application back and told us to wait until our one year anniversary and resend it. Despite the dissapointment of having to wait, and despite the knowledge that the "wait" time for referral and travel are considerably longer than other agencies are quoting, all the reasons we chose them in the first place won out. They are ethical, have a great reputation, have been around awhile, and have many humanitarian aid projects going on in the countries they process adoptions in. Also, R had "good feelings" about his phone conversations with the regional director- which seems like a silly reason to choose someone, but I am a firm believer in trusting your instincts.
So....while we wait for that darn CPA to finish his assessment of our business, we filled out and sent in our second application to the agency. The regional director called yesterday and left a sweet message, congratulating us on our one year anniversary and asking us to give her a call.
Up to this point, I hadn't spoken with her, but today I gave her a call. I now understand Robert's "Good feelings." I really, truly, like this person. More importantly, I trust her. So, we will wait longer perhaps than others. We can live with that (ahem, remind me that I said that when I get anxious and impatient, ok?). It is more important to us that our adoption is an ethical one, and our experience a good one.
Our application is on its way to the main headquarters and we should receive our approval letter and contract and other "stuffs" in the mail in about a week. Once we have that in hand and send in our check and signed contract, we then need to give our homestudy agency the information so that they can complete the homestudy so that it fits the specifications for Vietnam. Then the homestudy agency will send in the completed homestudy to CIS (formerly known as INS and also known as USCIS) so that we can get a fingerprint appointment and eventually, the golden grail aka 171H (approval to adopt an orphan).
Oh, and we are also sponsoring an orphan through the same agency's orphan sponsorship program. A very cute seven year old boy in Vietnam who wants to grow up and be a police officer. What a gift to be able to be involved in something positive for a child in Vietnam, and the cost is so small. I am going to send a letter to this little guy soon along with a picture..can't wait for the day we receive a reply from him!
Well, I must publish this and then try to walk the boys (er, dogs to those of you who are new here and are wondering)...there is SNOW on the ground and it is icky wet nasty out. Not so sure this is walking weather, but try telling that to Ben and Bogey!

Things I Have Learned This Week

2006-10-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

My first week of working at home has been, well, interesting. This is definitely a huge adjustment for me, and so far I have had mixed success.

First, I have learned that I am not going to make homemaker of the year. I am apparently far to absentminded to be Martha Stewart. For instance, I highly doubt Martha Stewart ever had such trouble brewing coffee and making toast. I, however, have proven that such a simple task can turn terribly wrong if one is not paying strict attention to what one is doing. I woke up early, and was a bit foggy brained as I made coffee. Decided that I probably should at least attempt some sort of breakfast (given that I did not have to rush out the door to drive an hour to work) so I put in a piece of bread in the toaster. Took the stick of butter out of the fridge, noticed that it was hard as a rock, and had the brilliant idea to put it on top of the coffee maker thinking it would soften due to the heat. Worked wonderfully. Toast popped up, spread the butter on the toast, and then (do not ask me why I did this) I put the butter back on top of the coffee pot.
And promptly forgot about it.
Two hours later, after throwing some laundry in, printing up some new orders, and letting Bogey and Ben outside for the umpteenth time, I went back upstairs to grab another cup of coffee.
Ahem. Empty butter wrapper sitting on top of the coffee pot. Melted butter down the side of the coffee pot, all over the counter, etc. A nasty slick mess, to be sure.
One sip of the new cup of coffee (that was quickly spat out) revealed that the butter had also melted INTO the coffee maker as well.
Blech! For those who care to know, it takes about an hour or so to clean up melted butter in a coffee pot.
Also, butter flavored coffee is no good.
Later, in an attempt to redeem my competent home maker status, I decided to make cinnamon roles (from the can mind you, not from scratch). They turned out beautifully! Until I picked one up to take a bite and found it to be suspiciously "heavy."
Not surprising, since I somehow managed to cook the darn thing with the round tin end of the tube still stuck to it.
As my mother is fond of pointing out, I often act very much the "Educated Idiot"
Other things I learned are 1) never trust a CPA to finish a business assessment in the time frame promised when that CPA is also dealing with the end of a fiscal year tax "stuff." Now the "promised" date is monday. Let's hope so, I really want this homestudy to be finished! 2) When there is a world series going on, there is no chance that HOUSE will air. Luckily this is a world series I want to watch, although not my beloved Red Sox, the Detriot Tigers are my second favorite AL team. Even when the lose, like they did last night. 3) When you invite a treasured friend and his wife over to watch the first game of the world series, and it happens to be that friend's birthday do not offer to make him "whatever he wants" for dinner. He just might ask for a turkey (dangerous request given that I so completely messed up coffee and toast earlier this week).

On other news, I did manage to do something I have long wanted to do: incorporate "To Kill a Mockingbird" into a sermon. Today was my turn to preach at church, and the scripture choice was such that I was able to use "To Kill a Mockingbird" My next goal? Why, Harry Potter of course! Might take me a while to figure out how to use that effectively.

On a final note, please send good thoughts towards Detroit today. The Tigers need all the positive energy they can get, if last night's debacle is any indication of how they are going to handle the Cards.

The times they are a changin' and other musings

2006-10-17T11:36:00.000-05:00

So here I am, at home, on my second day as a stay at home...er...worker. It is a strange transition from working with at risk and homeless youth to staying at home and running the "family" business. So far, so good. While I still have almost no idea what I am doing, processing orders, putting orders together, and shipping orders is a cake walk when compared to "I got kicked out and I have no where to go" and "I am sixteen and pregnant and couch surfing." I wonder if it is possible to have post-traumatic stress symptoms from a job? I have this uneasy feeling that some crisis is looming on the horizon even though I am running a business, not working with homeless kids anymore. It is highly unlikely that I will encounter any drama and trauma beyond "where is my order?" and the internet crashing.

In my now rather abundant spare time (the Christmas rush has not yet hit) I am reading adoption literature. I have gone through just about every adoption memoir in print (two book shelves full) and have now ventured into the "heavy" stuff. Right now I am slogging my way through "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah D. Grey (recommended by our homestudy worker). Some of it has been insightful, although much of it doesn't seem very applicable to our adoption. Still, the following excerpt gave me pause for thought:
"Sometimes parents find themselves in situations that seem incredible from the point of view of their own culture. Some children are told that the birthparents have finally arrived to get their child. I have heard this explanation a number of times about preperation for children in countries of the former Soviet Union, in which there is no tradition of adoption. One orphanage worker advised parents, "Never tell this child that she was adopted. It will kill her Russian soul." She answered their logical questions about language by explaining that because their daughter was largely nonverbal, she would not question why they were talking a different language. Some children have come into the country angry with parents. Working with a translator, children have wondered , "Where were you? Why did you leave me in the orphanage?" It makes for a confusing beginning for parents and children (Grey, 2002; 131)

um. ok. I sure hope this is not a common occurance. I seriously question the intelligence of adoptive parents who FOLLOW such advice. Obviously, this is not a situation we will find ourselves in: 1. we are not adopting from Russia. 2. we are no adopting an older child. But still, I would like to think that we would have enough sense to roll our eyes at such advice and do the responsible thing - you know, a little thing called honesty? I thought "keep the adoption secret" era had passed. Apparently not. Or at least not for clients who turn to Dr. Grey for advise.

On other news, we are still waiting for the CPA to finish "writing up" the business. Of course this happens to be a busy period for CPAs (end of a fiscal period or some such stuff), so its taking forever for this step to be finished. Our homestudy will not be written up until this information is provided. This frustrates me to no end, as if we had known they wanted this information ahead of time, we would have had it when we had our homestudy meetings. It is not helpful to have the homestudy agency call me to ask me what email address to send the rough draft to, only to then go on to say they aren't ready to send it yet as without the above information "they don't think it will pass USCIS.." Apparently, R's new job is "too new" to be a reliable income source. I do not pretend to understand the workings of the federal government.
So why, I ask, would you not tell me ahead of time about this, and why bother calling me to tell me you want my email address to send the homestudy rough draft, if you had no intentions of even finishing the rough draft without this information?????

2006-10-10T18:58:00.000-05:00

I was surfing the web tonight (as opposed to folding the laundry that is begging to be folded) and came across an article about un-adoption: a family in Virginia who adopted one of their foster children is now in the process of "un-adopting" him. The mother claims that social services did not fully disclose this child's extensive abuse history and the depth of his psychological problems. She is now seeking to "unadopt" the boy, who is currently in a residential treatment center.

It is a very very sad story. Nothing amusing about it.

That being said, I was tickled to death and laughed out loud when I read the name of the church this family attended. Now, perhaps it is because I have a bachelor's in religious studies and a master's in theology, and therefore have a truly odd sense of humor when it comes to "all things religious", but I found the name of this church to be one of the top five best names (i.e. amusing, funny, hilarious, delightful) of churches I have ever read.

The name of the church? (drum roll please)

Sword of Spirit Deliverance Ministry Pentecostal Church*

*please note, I am in no way making fun of this congregation (ok, so maybe just a little, but in a light hearted "I find this truly delightful" kind of way), so please do not accuse me of religious intolerance. Truly, I am making no statements or insinuations about the dogma, liturgy, or ecclesiastical nature of this particular church. (I would never do that. in public. on a blog. ever) If you are reading this and are a member of this congregation, I apologize if this offends you in anyway. I will not, however cut my hand off with the Sword of Spirit Deliverance (or any sword, for that matter) nor will I entertain any other drastic act of antonement. My apology will have to suffice. That, and perhaps I can light a candle.
**Unless of course, the lighting of candles is offensive in your faith. In that case, the best I can do is to be mindful of this offense this sunday when we kneel for the confession of sins. Unless you have something specific in mind that does not involve violence or swords.
****But I draw the line at speaking in tongues. Or waving my hands in the air. Please understand, I am an Episcopalian. We are not rowdy folks. Besides, I was educated by Jesuits. And, while rowdy in their own way, they are most certainly not pentacostal-ly inclined (at least not in the american pentacostal church kind of way). "Slain in the spirit" language is generally interpreted in a "what we did during the crusades" kind of way. Which is not in "vogue" these days. By the Jesuits. Thank God.