Recently, some friends of ours gave us a book "What NOT to name your baby" We are having a lot of fun flipping through it and reading what names are not recommended and why.....
The sad part is this: many of the names on my short list for our future son are in this book.
Clearly, my judgment is not to be trusted when it comes to names.
And so, I turn to you, friends in bloggerland, for help (and amusement)....
How about we indulge in a friendly round or two of the name game?
1.What are your favorite boy names?
2. What are your least favorite boy names?
3. What name would you absolutely NEVER name a child because it reminds you of someone that you detest?
4. What name are you fond of because it reminds you of someone you love?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Further thoughts on Transracial Adoption
Before I get into the topic of this particular post, let me first say thank you to all of you who took the time to share your thoughts on my previous post. You all have given me a lot to think about, and I cannot express how much I appreciate your advice and input.
Below are some concluding thoughts on this topic (at least for now, who knows what I might think up in the future...be afraid, be very afraid!)
R and I have been involved with a local families with children from Asia group for the last two years (attending last year's and this year's Chinese New Year Party) and are optimistic that being a part of this group will be an enjoyable experience for years to come-both for us, and for our child(ren). We also live about three hours away from an urban area that has a large asian (mostly Hmong) population as well as a large hispanic population. Given that we have close friends who live in this area (not to mention it is the closest city to us that has decent shopping!), we will be intentional about attending the many multi-cultural kid centered events available there. We are also aware that we need to be careful to not follow our child(ren)'s lead in regards to how much, how often, and to what extent we engage in cultural and adoption related activities and events. Of course, we will incorporate our child's birth culture into our lives as much as possible in the ways of books, art, music, food, etc.
Fortunately, we have the blessing and pleasure to have met a local family who has 11 children adopted from China, Bulgaria, and Vietnam: the children from Vietnam were adopted at a "older" age, and retain a love for the culture as well as having retained some of the language...these children are excited to know we are adopting from Vietnam and we hope to create stronger friendship ties with this family as time goes on (we met at the FCA CNY party this year).
While still not the ideal held up by the "experts in the field", we are reasonably confident that, all things considered, we are in the best place possible for us to be at this time. I take comfort in responses such as E (go click on "Looking for George" and read her post on this topic- I am too technically ignorant to put the link in the blog itself) reminding me to take a common sense approach to this issue and to not lose sight of the big picture- the primary importance being our children's needs and being, for lack of a better term, a "happy family."
**Oh, and one final question in relation to this topic: anyone have any experience or knowledge about culture camps? Do you plan on attending one? Why, or why not?
Below are some concluding thoughts on this topic (at least for now, who knows what I might think up in the future...be afraid, be very afraid!)
R and I have been involved with a local families with children from Asia group for the last two years (attending last year's and this year's Chinese New Year Party) and are optimistic that being a part of this group will be an enjoyable experience for years to come-both for us, and for our child(ren). We also live about three hours away from an urban area that has a large asian (mostly Hmong) population as well as a large hispanic population. Given that we have close friends who live in this area (not to mention it is the closest city to us that has decent shopping!), we will be intentional about attending the many multi-cultural kid centered events available there. We are also aware that we need to be careful to not follow our child(ren)'s lead in regards to how much, how often, and to what extent we engage in cultural and adoption related activities and events. Of course, we will incorporate our child's birth culture into our lives as much as possible in the ways of books, art, music, food, etc.
Fortunately, we have the blessing and pleasure to have met a local family who has 11 children adopted from China, Bulgaria, and Vietnam: the children from Vietnam were adopted at a "older" age, and retain a love for the culture as well as having retained some of the language...these children are excited to know we are adopting from Vietnam and we hope to create stronger friendship ties with this family as time goes on (we met at the FCA CNY party this year).
While still not the ideal held up by the "experts in the field", we are reasonably confident that, all things considered, we are in the best place possible for us to be at this time. I take comfort in responses such as E (go click on "Looking for George" and read her post on this topic- I am too technically ignorant to put the link in the blog itself) reminding me to take a common sense approach to this issue and to not lose sight of the big picture- the primary importance being our children's needs and being, for lack of a better term, a "happy family."
**Oh, and one final question in relation to this topic: anyone have any experience or knowledge about culture camps? Do you plan on attending one? Why, or why not?
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Transracial Adoption- Food for Thought
Excerpt from The Morality of Adoption: Social-Psychological, Theological, and Legal Perspectives:
"We must acknowledge, however, that a critical consciousness about race and racism has to be learned. It is possible, and is indeed quite common, for White people to grow up in the United States with little or no contact with people of color, no suggestion that social reality is perceived differently from social locations other than their own, and/or no awareness that racism still operates at multiple levels in contemporary society. In fact, many of the messages aimed at Whites in mainstream public discourse support and foster the view that racial inequality was eradicated by the civil rights movement, and that the United States is a "color blind" society....When transracially adoptive parents take the opportunity to educate themselves and their children, to (re) locate their families to racially diverse communities, and to grapple with the sticky, often painful, issues that arise in multicultural families, their children benefit tremendously. Indeed, this is a critical factor for transracial adoptees. [ p86]
Hmmm.....I admit that I am one of the many "Whites" who grew up in the type of community the author refers to in the above excerpt. And, having moved back to the area where I grew up, our child(ren) will grow up in a similiar environment. The primary difference, of course, between my experience growing up in an almost exculsively white, rural area and his (theirs) is glaring obvious: they will grow up in this area being a non-white person.
I would be lying if I said I do not worry about the effect (consequences?) of growing up in this area may/will have on our child(ren).
I would also be lying if I said that I am willing to relocate to a more racially diverse area. I accept that it is probably the best thing to do (the above author is not the first to point out the benefits of relocating to a more racially diverse area).....but to do so would require a tremendous amount of sacrifice and plain ole good luck. Doing so would also require moving away from mother, sister, brother in law, niece, nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends- familial and social relationships that I believe are also vitally important relationships for our child)ren).
The question I struggle with is this: Do the benefits of relocating to a more racially diverse area outweigh the benefits of living in a community in which there exists an extended kinship network as well as significant social ties - i.e. the "village" it takes to raise a child? (ahem. this is not intended to open up a discussion of Hilary Clinton- who, by the way, was not the first to use such terms in relationship to the societal/communal obligations to its collective children)
Am I being selfish for not wanting to relocate? Am I putting my own comfort (i.e. wanting to stay close to family/friends here) over my future child(ren)'s well being?
What do you think? Do you live in a similiar "non-diverse" community? If so, what have you done (or, for PAP's, what do you intend to do) to foster connections to the ethnic roots/community of your child's birth culture?
If you live in a racially diverse community, what are the benefits you (and/or your child) have experienced as a result of having access to cultural and racial diversity? How often do you actually interact with "people of color" and/or other transracial adoptive families?
"We must acknowledge, however, that a critical consciousness about race and racism has to be learned. It is possible, and is indeed quite common, for White people to grow up in the United States with little or no contact with people of color, no suggestion that social reality is perceived differently from social locations other than their own, and/or no awareness that racism still operates at multiple levels in contemporary society. In fact, many of the messages aimed at Whites in mainstream public discourse support and foster the view that racial inequality was eradicated by the civil rights movement, and that the United States is a "color blind" society....When transracially adoptive parents take the opportunity to educate themselves and their children, to (re) locate their families to racially diverse communities, and to grapple with the sticky, often painful, issues that arise in multicultural families, their children benefit tremendously. Indeed, this is a critical factor for transracial adoptees. [ p86]
Hmmm.....I admit that I am one of the many "Whites" who grew up in the type of community the author refers to in the above excerpt. And, having moved back to the area where I grew up, our child(ren) will grow up in a similiar environment. The primary difference, of course, between my experience growing up in an almost exculsively white, rural area and his (theirs) is glaring obvious: they will grow up in this area being a non-white person.
I would be lying if I said I do not worry about the effect (consequences?) of growing up in this area may/will have on our child(ren).
I would also be lying if I said that I am willing to relocate to a more racially diverse area. I accept that it is probably the best thing to do (the above author is not the first to point out the benefits of relocating to a more racially diverse area).....but to do so would require a tremendous amount of sacrifice and plain ole good luck. Doing so would also require moving away from mother, sister, brother in law, niece, nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends- familial and social relationships that I believe are also vitally important relationships for our child)ren).
The question I struggle with is this: Do the benefits of relocating to a more racially diverse area outweigh the benefits of living in a community in which there exists an extended kinship network as well as significant social ties - i.e. the "village" it takes to raise a child? (ahem. this is not intended to open up a discussion of Hilary Clinton- who, by the way, was not the first to use such terms in relationship to the societal/communal obligations to its collective children)
Am I being selfish for not wanting to relocate? Am I putting my own comfort (i.e. wanting to stay close to family/friends here) over my future child(ren)'s well being?
What do you think? Do you live in a similiar "non-diverse" community? If so, what have you done (or, for PAP's, what do you intend to do) to foster connections to the ethnic roots/community of your child's birth culture?
If you live in a racially diverse community, what are the benefits you (and/or your child) have experienced as a result of having access to cultural and racial diversity? How often do you actually interact with "people of color" and/or other transracial adoptive families?
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Musings on Adoption and Attachment
Before I delve into my latest "deep thoughts" (ha, you laugh, but you may be surprised, every once and awhile I do have some deep thoughts!) I want to thank everyone for their wonderful, insightful, and helpful comments on my previous post concerning adopting two related children at one time. I find it tremendously helpful to hear your advice and thoughts- truthfully, I feel blessed to have connected with all of you in adoption blogger land.
Ok, ready for my "deep thoughts" of the week? Drum roll please..the topic of the week is attachment and adoption. A popular topic in adoption land, to be sure. We have all heard advice, read articles, read books, and chatted with others about how to encourage attachment in adopted children. Yet, what I worry about is something that isn't talked about much at all, and if it is, it is talked about in hushed tones: the feelings of unattachement that PAP's might feel upon finally arriving at that big day when their child is placed in their arms and is finally and truly and forever their child, only to discover that the happy ever after fantasy that they have nurtured and indulged for oh so many months is not turning into a hard and fast reality.
I am as guilty as anyone in that I don't like to think that anything other than the Disney fantasy I have constructed is even remotely possible. Surely all the longing, planning, decision making, and fanciful dreams of being the perfect mother of the perfect child in the perfect family can result in nothing less than a made for Hollywood ending: I will fall madly and instantly in love with our child, he will fall madly and instantly in love with me and we, along with R, will be the poster family for the wonderous miracle that is adoption. Surving the wait alone should be more than enough effort to gaurantee that ending!
A nagging voice in my head keeps me from jumping in to this fantasy with both feet: "ah kel, are you being realistic here? how can you be sure that being madly in love with the idea of this baby will automatically translate into being madly in love with the actual child? What about all the blogs you have read written by those few brave souls who dare to admit that they are not yet in love with their child, what about the blogs you have read about that horror of horrors- disruption? Don't you remember the night you stayed up until one a.m. (which reminds me, you really should question your tendency to be OCD sometimes) reading a blog by a woman who disrupted the adoption of her toddler daughter after being home six months? What about that?"
That nagging voice in my head (read: conscience, rational mind, anything but a real voice, cuz that would make me shizophrenic, which I can assure you, of the many things I am, I am not that) can be a real downer. Cruel, really, to drag me back from the precipice of my disney adoption fantasy.
So, the reality is this: it is possible, perhaps even likely, that I will not fall madly and deeply in love with our child upon first sight. It is possible that while I may love the idea of our child, It may take me awhile to love the actual child. It is also possible that I will have to "fake it until I make it"..that love is, as my theology professors are want to say, found and expressed by actions- not in feelings. I must (and I will, never fear) choose to love this child and have patience that the feelings will follow. But I suffer under no illusions that this process will feel good to me. If, by chance, the Disney fantasy does not evolve into a fast and hard reality, and I have to work at attaching/bonding with our baby, I suspect, and fearfully so, that it is going to be hard work. If, as they say, there is such a thing as "Post Adoption Blues", I had better prepare myself for experiencing it.
Yes, I know, I sound like Winnie-the-Pooh's gloom and doom buddy Eeyore ("looks like its gonna rain again"). On the other hand, if I pretend that I do not have these concerns and worries, how much harder is it going to be for me to talk about it if I do not have the Disney fantasy come true? And if I do not feel I can talk about it- out of shame, embarrasment, fear of ridicule by others - then I will be at further risk of despair by the simple fact that I have isolated myself by the very act of indulging in the disney fantasy so much that I have refused to consider there are other ways in which this "story" can go. If the dreadful "IT" occurs, I want to at least be able to talk about it with others- with all of you.
I have just finished reading Theresa Reid's book "Two Little Girls: a memoir of adoption." It is in part due to her candor about her struggle to attach to their second daughter adopted from Russia that has given me the "permission" to consider the possibility that I might struggle with attaching to our child. Indulge me for a moment and consider the following passage from Reid's narrative:
"I wonder: When will I care? When will I want to spend eternity with Lana as much as I do with Natalie? This is an extension of the question I have asked myself every night: When will I be compelled to go into her room and gaze in wonder at her sleeping form? When will I want to kneel by the side of her bed in the dark, drinking in her sweet warm smells, moving damp hair off of her face, kissing her precious flushed cheek?" [Reid, p258]
Reid, does, in the end, reach that point where she does fall deeply, madly in love with Lana. Near the end of her story, Reid muses:
" It is amazing, how the universe steered us toward this particular little girl- through a maze of baffling obstacles and our own human obtuseness and hesitation, steered us toward the perfect little girl for our family. It's enough to make a believer out of you." [Reid, p268]
The floor is now open for questions, comments, snide remarks.... Have you thought about the possiblity that your "happily ever after" might not come automatically? For those of you who have encountered some shape or form of "post-adoption-blues" and/ or struggled with not "falling madly, instantly in love with your child", how have you dealt with it? Have you felt safe talking about it with others? If any of you were to encounter difficulty in attaching with your child, would you feel safe to talk about it, or would you be too ashamed to admit that you did not have the Disney Fantasy Adoption that we all dream about?
Oh, and if you think I have gone completely off my rocker and have now entered into the land of the deranged OCD'er, say that as well. It won't hurt my feelings (much), although I can't garuantee that I wont obsess over the possibility that I am over-obsessing. ha.
Ok, ready for my "deep thoughts" of the week? Drum roll please..the topic of the week is attachment and adoption. A popular topic in adoption land, to be sure. We have all heard advice, read articles, read books, and chatted with others about how to encourage attachment in adopted children. Yet, what I worry about is something that isn't talked about much at all, and if it is, it is talked about in hushed tones: the feelings of unattachement that PAP's might feel upon finally arriving at that big day when their child is placed in their arms and is finally and truly and forever their child, only to discover that the happy ever after fantasy that they have nurtured and indulged for oh so many months is not turning into a hard and fast reality.
I am as guilty as anyone in that I don't like to think that anything other than the Disney fantasy I have constructed is even remotely possible. Surely all the longing, planning, decision making, and fanciful dreams of being the perfect mother of the perfect child in the perfect family can result in nothing less than a made for Hollywood ending: I will fall madly and instantly in love with our child, he will fall madly and instantly in love with me and we, along with R, will be the poster family for the wonderous miracle that is adoption. Surving the wait alone should be more than enough effort to gaurantee that ending!
A nagging voice in my head keeps me from jumping in to this fantasy with both feet: "ah kel, are you being realistic here? how can you be sure that being madly in love with the idea of this baby will automatically translate into being madly in love with the actual child? What about all the blogs you have read written by those few brave souls who dare to admit that they are not yet in love with their child, what about the blogs you have read about that horror of horrors- disruption? Don't you remember the night you stayed up until one a.m. (which reminds me, you really should question your tendency to be OCD sometimes) reading a blog by a woman who disrupted the adoption of her toddler daughter after being home six months? What about that?"
That nagging voice in my head (read: conscience, rational mind, anything but a real voice, cuz that would make me shizophrenic, which I can assure you, of the many things I am, I am not that) can be a real downer. Cruel, really, to drag me back from the precipice of my disney adoption fantasy.
So, the reality is this: it is possible, perhaps even likely, that I will not fall madly and deeply in love with our child upon first sight. It is possible that while I may love the idea of our child, It may take me awhile to love the actual child. It is also possible that I will have to "fake it until I make it"..that love is, as my theology professors are want to say, found and expressed by actions- not in feelings. I must (and I will, never fear) choose to love this child and have patience that the feelings will follow. But I suffer under no illusions that this process will feel good to me. If, by chance, the Disney fantasy does not evolve into a fast and hard reality, and I have to work at attaching/bonding with our baby, I suspect, and fearfully so, that it is going to be hard work. If, as they say, there is such a thing as "Post Adoption Blues", I had better prepare myself for experiencing it.
Yes, I know, I sound like Winnie-the-Pooh's gloom and doom buddy Eeyore ("looks like its gonna rain again"). On the other hand, if I pretend that I do not have these concerns and worries, how much harder is it going to be for me to talk about it if I do not have the Disney fantasy come true? And if I do not feel I can talk about it- out of shame, embarrasment, fear of ridicule by others - then I will be at further risk of despair by the simple fact that I have isolated myself by the very act of indulging in the disney fantasy so much that I have refused to consider there are other ways in which this "story" can go. If the dreadful "IT" occurs, I want to at least be able to talk about it with others- with all of you.
I have just finished reading Theresa Reid's book "Two Little Girls: a memoir of adoption." It is in part due to her candor about her struggle to attach to their second daughter adopted from Russia that has given me the "permission" to consider the possibility that I might struggle with attaching to our child. Indulge me for a moment and consider the following passage from Reid's narrative:
"I wonder: When will I care? When will I want to spend eternity with Lana as much as I do with Natalie? This is an extension of the question I have asked myself every night: When will I be compelled to go into her room and gaze in wonder at her sleeping form? When will I want to kneel by the side of her bed in the dark, drinking in her sweet warm smells, moving damp hair off of her face, kissing her precious flushed cheek?" [Reid, p258]
Reid, does, in the end, reach that point where she does fall deeply, madly in love with Lana. Near the end of her story, Reid muses:
" It is amazing, how the universe steered us toward this particular little girl- through a maze of baffling obstacles and our own human obtuseness and hesitation, steered us toward the perfect little girl for our family. It's enough to make a believer out of you." [Reid, p268]
The floor is now open for questions, comments, snide remarks.... Have you thought about the possiblity that your "happily ever after" might not come automatically? For those of you who have encountered some shape or form of "post-adoption-blues" and/ or struggled with not "falling madly, instantly in love with your child", how have you dealt with it? Have you felt safe talking about it with others? If any of you were to encounter difficulty in attaching with your child, would you feel safe to talk about it, or would you be too ashamed to admit that you did not have the Disney Fantasy Adoption that we all dream about?
Oh, and if you think I have gone completely off my rocker and have now entered into the land of the deranged OCD'er, say that as well. It won't hurt my feelings (much), although I can't garuantee that I wont obsess over the possibility that I am over-obsessing. ha.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
The Check is in the Mail and more musings on Adoption
R and I sent in our dossier fee to our agency yesterday. I know it is a bit of a taboo to talk about money (that's private business after all) in our culture, and even more awkward to talk about it in relation to a child (we all shudder at the question "how much did he/she cost?"), but I have to tell you guys, writing a check for 3790 bucks is not for the faint of heart. Perhaps if we were independently wealthy, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but we are certainly not independently wealthy. Now, it isn't a question of is it worth it, because how can you put a money value on a child? It is most definitely worth it. Still, it is a big thing (at least to me) to write out a check for 3790 bucks! I know what your thinking, "if you have such a hard time writing that check out, how are you going to handle paying the country fee (that is around 10,000 bucks)?" Never fear, I will handle it, but I can't promise you that I will just whip out a pen, write it out with a flourish, and send it off without a second thought.
Maybe it is growing up rather poor in a rural community, maybe it is emotional residue from having grandparents who lived through the depression and kept their money in a locked box at the bottom of a wardrobe, and maybe it is just that I have an irrational fear of being broke.....heck it is probably a combination of all of these things. The bottom line is, it freaks me out to write out checks for thousands of dollars.
Ok, now that I have shared my nerousis about money, let's move on to the sibling/twins discussion. The question that I have been asked, by family members and friends, is why would you want two children at once? Are you crazy? (which, I believe, is a completely seperate, if not perhaps valid, question). There are a number of reasons why we have "opened the door" to the possiblity of twins or a sibling group. R comes from a family of ten children- he is very comfortable with living with more than one child in diapers at one time. R has also allways wanted children- there is nothing in the world that he wants more than to be a father. I do not come from such a large family, but I have spent a lot of time in my life with infants and toddlers- as a babysitter, as a nanny, as a sunday school teacher, and as a volunteer in a pre primary impaired classroom (mostly of 3,4, and 5 year olds). My family and friends joke that I am a bit of a pied piper when it comes to kids- for some reason children "glom" on to me when I am around. Two children at one time does not scare us.
As E. noted in her comment on a previous post, a lot depends upon what kind of support system is available to help out with the challenges of taking care of two children at one time. When R and I were in a position to start a family, we recognized the importance of being near family and being a part of a community of friends. That is one reason why we moved back to Michigan (well, it is back for me, as I grew up here) where my mother, sister, brother in law, niece, nephew, aunts, uncles, a zillion cousins, and childhood friends live. We also have friends in this area who have formed (or added to) their family through international adoption. Add to that the fact that we are members of a phenomonally supportive and close knit church congregation, and we have, I believe, one of the best supportive systems we could hope to have.
One of the other major factors behind our decision to be open to twins or a sibling group has to do with age. Yes, age, like money, is not something that our culture is comfortable with discussing. But age, like money, factors into our adoption plans. There is a bit of an age difference between R and I -no, not so much of an age difference that Maury Povich is going to want us on a show about May-December romances, but still a noticable age difference. Because of this age difference, there are many countries in which we would not qualify to adopt an infant (due to R's age). We both feel strongly that we want to adopt more than one child, and we are aware that the possibility of doing two seperate adoptions decreases with the passage of time- that is to say, between age restrictions and the ever growing time frame of adoption in the countries that we do qualify for (i.e. vietnam) the likelihood that we would be able to adopt again and ensure that our children are close in age is not all that great.
The other taboo of money comes into play here: the reality is that adopting twins or a sibling group is financially more feasible than two seperate adoptions. *please do not burn me here with gigantic flames of outrage, I am not saying that we want to adopt two at once b/c it is some great "two for one" deal. I am merely admitting that part of the reasoning has to do with the reality of the financial cost of adoption. One trip is less expensive than two. The extra country fee for adopting twins or a sibling group is less expensive than an entirely seperate adoption. So yes, as much as talking about adoption cost is a major no no, the reality is that adoption does cost money. a lot of money.
Here is probably the most controversial (and flameworthy) reason of all: R and I both believe that it is important to face full on the reality that not looking like us is going to matter to our child. As much as we hate to talk about it, human culture places a high value on blood relations- we identify ourselves by who our parents are, our geneology, wether we are left handed b/c great grandma so and so was left handed, etc. We can argue until the cows come home about wether or not it SHOULD matter, but the reality is that it does matter to people.
We, as parents, will never know first hand what being "adopted" is like - we did not come into our families through adoption. We do not know how much, or how often, our child will think about his birth family - the questions of why, how, why not, etc. I think it would be terribly niave of me to believe that he will never wonder who he looks like (birth mother? birth father?) or whether or not he has birth siblings (brothers? sisters? younger? older?). Adopting twins or a sibling group will not solve all these hard questions about adoption, but it will give both children the comfort of having a brother (or sister) that looks like him/her, that shared the same womb, that share a common history, that have (at least in the case of twins) never been seperated from one another. Perhaps they will feel safer talking with each other about their wondering, their questions, their feelings surrounding their birth family, their country of birth, their adoption, their parents (who are, I freely admit, not going to be perfect parents)- surely there are things that are going to come up that our children are not going to want talk to us about, no matter how hard we work at making them feel they can talk to us about anything and everything.
To quote Charlie Brown "Good Grief!" I have written a mini novel here, haven't it? I am sure that some of you are going to take issue with some of the things I have shared here. If you have taken issue with something, I encourage you to share your thoughts, objections, outrage, feelings, etc in the comment section. I do not pretend to have all the answers or to have thought of all angles of this multi-faceted complex reality of adoption. We are trying to make the best choices that we can, for ourselves and our future child(ren).
To quote School House Rock "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER"- so please do not hold back in sharing your knowledge with us.
Maybe it is growing up rather poor in a rural community, maybe it is emotional residue from having grandparents who lived through the depression and kept their money in a locked box at the bottom of a wardrobe, and maybe it is just that I have an irrational fear of being broke.....heck it is probably a combination of all of these things. The bottom line is, it freaks me out to write out checks for thousands of dollars.
Ok, now that I have shared my nerousis about money, let's move on to the sibling/twins discussion. The question that I have been asked, by family members and friends, is why would you want two children at once? Are you crazy? (which, I believe, is a completely seperate, if not perhaps valid, question). There are a number of reasons why we have "opened the door" to the possiblity of twins or a sibling group. R comes from a family of ten children- he is very comfortable with living with more than one child in diapers at one time. R has also allways wanted children- there is nothing in the world that he wants more than to be a father. I do not come from such a large family, but I have spent a lot of time in my life with infants and toddlers- as a babysitter, as a nanny, as a sunday school teacher, and as a volunteer in a pre primary impaired classroom (mostly of 3,4, and 5 year olds). My family and friends joke that I am a bit of a pied piper when it comes to kids- for some reason children "glom" on to me when I am around. Two children at one time does not scare us.
As E. noted in her comment on a previous post, a lot depends upon what kind of support system is available to help out with the challenges of taking care of two children at one time. When R and I were in a position to start a family, we recognized the importance of being near family and being a part of a community of friends. That is one reason why we moved back to Michigan (well, it is back for me, as I grew up here) where my mother, sister, brother in law, niece, nephew, aunts, uncles, a zillion cousins, and childhood friends live. We also have friends in this area who have formed (or added to) their family through international adoption. Add to that the fact that we are members of a phenomonally supportive and close knit church congregation, and we have, I believe, one of the best supportive systems we could hope to have.
One of the other major factors behind our decision to be open to twins or a sibling group has to do with age. Yes, age, like money, is not something that our culture is comfortable with discussing. But age, like money, factors into our adoption plans. There is a bit of an age difference between R and I -no, not so much of an age difference that Maury Povich is going to want us on a show about May-December romances, but still a noticable age difference. Because of this age difference, there are many countries in which we would not qualify to adopt an infant (due to R's age). We both feel strongly that we want to adopt more than one child, and we are aware that the possibility of doing two seperate adoptions decreases with the passage of time- that is to say, between age restrictions and the ever growing time frame of adoption in the countries that we do qualify for (i.e. vietnam) the likelihood that we would be able to adopt again and ensure that our children are close in age is not all that great.
The other taboo of money comes into play here: the reality is that adopting twins or a sibling group is financially more feasible than two seperate adoptions. *please do not burn me here with gigantic flames of outrage, I am not saying that we want to adopt two at once b/c it is some great "two for one" deal. I am merely admitting that part of the reasoning has to do with the reality of the financial cost of adoption. One trip is less expensive than two. The extra country fee for adopting twins or a sibling group is less expensive than an entirely seperate adoption. So yes, as much as talking about adoption cost is a major no no, the reality is that adoption does cost money. a lot of money.
Here is probably the most controversial (and flameworthy) reason of all: R and I both believe that it is important to face full on the reality that not looking like us is going to matter to our child. As much as we hate to talk about it, human culture places a high value on blood relations- we identify ourselves by who our parents are, our geneology, wether we are left handed b/c great grandma so and so was left handed, etc. We can argue until the cows come home about wether or not it SHOULD matter, but the reality is that it does matter to people.
We, as parents, will never know first hand what being "adopted" is like - we did not come into our families through adoption. We do not know how much, or how often, our child will think about his birth family - the questions of why, how, why not, etc. I think it would be terribly niave of me to believe that he will never wonder who he looks like (birth mother? birth father?) or whether or not he has birth siblings (brothers? sisters? younger? older?). Adopting twins or a sibling group will not solve all these hard questions about adoption, but it will give both children the comfort of having a brother (or sister) that looks like him/her, that shared the same womb, that share a common history, that have (at least in the case of twins) never been seperated from one another. Perhaps they will feel safer talking with each other about their wondering, their questions, their feelings surrounding their birth family, their country of birth, their adoption, their parents (who are, I freely admit, not going to be perfect parents)- surely there are things that are going to come up that our children are not going to want talk to us about, no matter how hard we work at making them feel they can talk to us about anything and everything.
To quote Charlie Brown "Good Grief!" I have written a mini novel here, haven't it? I am sure that some of you are going to take issue with some of the things I have shared here. If you have taken issue with something, I encourage you to share your thoughts, objections, outrage, feelings, etc in the comment section. I do not pretend to have all the answers or to have thought of all angles of this multi-faceted complex reality of adoption. We are trying to make the best choices that we can, for ourselves and our future child(ren).
To quote School House Rock "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER"- so please do not hold back in sharing your knowledge with us.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Adoption Decisions
I want to thank all of you who commented on my previous post about changing our "age range." as well as your comments on adopting two children-siblings or twins- at one time. All of you have been so generous with your time and comments that I feel it is only right to respond to each one of your posts individually, so here we go:
Destination Motherhood: Thanks! We are happy to be on the waiting list! You're right, it is a very hard decision to make, and I feel much better hearing you say that we can allways change our mind.
Jo- Thanks for sharing your own experience with making a decision regarding age and twins. As you can guess, R and I have had many similiar conversations. It is comforting to know that we are not the only couple who are having such conversations.
Rachel- Thanks for your congratulations! I think you are right, expanding our age range six months is probably not going to make a huge difference in our wait time. 24 months would probably shorten the wait time, but R and I both agree that we are not comfortable with 24 months. This is our first child, and we both want to experience as much of "babyhood" as we can. I also am of the same mind as you are- parenthood is hard work, but if we are going to be without sleep anyway, why not twins?
E.- Post all the long responses you want! I am allways open to hearing what you have to say. your blog (Looking for George) is one of my favorite blogs to visit. Your discussion on the developmental difference between 12 months and 18 months was very helpful, and was one of the major discussion points R and I had in discussing the possiblity of changing our age range. I have had quite a bit of experience with the terrible twos, and, as quirky as it sounds, it is one of my favorite ages. That being said, going from no children to a child in the terrible two's sounds like a bit much to take on. As for the twins question, we do have a lot of suppport from family and friends. One of the reasons we moved to Michigan was to be closer to family so that we would have a wealth of relatives and others to share in the lives of our child(ren). Also, I have left my full time job working with homeless and at risk youth and am now working full time at home running our family business. So, I will be a work at home mom. My mother, sister, niece, nephew, and friends from church are all eager and willing to help out during the day time if we were so lucky as to be referred twins. Also, my niece is starting college next year, and we have talked with her about spending some time at our house (the college is very nearby here) helping out with the business and the baby(ies).
As for sibling group, I agree with you that it is the most difficult scenario. It is also the most unlikely scenario, as sibling groups in Vietnam are uncommon. The most realistic expectation is one child, and the unlikely, but possible, scenario is twins.
LaLa- what can I say, girl? your support has meant so much to me these past few months that we have gotten to know each other. The quotes you have shared are wonderful- in fact, I have used one of them in my "quote of the week" section of the blog. Henri Nouwen is one of my favorite writers, and the quote from St. Francis de Sales is one I have not encountered before. Thanks for sharing both with me!
Dawn- Thanks for reminding me that anything is possible, and what we think we want is not allways what works out, or what is right for us. Everything will work out, in the end, right? Allways great to hear from a fellow yooper...look us up one of these days when you are in the area!
So, I bet you are all wondering what decision we have made regarding age range. (ok, so your probably not wondering, but I will tell you anyway). For now, R and I are going to leave things as they are, knowing that we can change things later if we so choose. While we definitely do not want to wait any longer than we have to, we do not want to make the decision to up the age range simply because it might make things move faster. That, to us, would be the wrong reason to go from 0-12 to 0-18 months. This is, after all, a life changing event, not to mention a permanent one, and I do not want my impatience with waiting cause us to disregard the reasons why we chose 0-12 months in the first place. We did give a lot of thought to this matter prior to and during our homestudy, and the choices we made regarding age, gender, and being open to twins or a sibling group were decisions that we did not make lightly or easily.
I will blog more about the "twins" and "sibs" question in my next post (I simply must get offline and get back to work!), as the reasons why we are open to that option might help illuminate for all of you why I am so interested in what people who have BTDT have to say about the experience. Which might, in turn, generate more comments from all of you- and what is better than having comments on your blog?
Destination Motherhood: Thanks! We are happy to be on the waiting list! You're right, it is a very hard decision to make, and I feel much better hearing you say that we can allways change our mind.
Jo- Thanks for sharing your own experience with making a decision regarding age and twins. As you can guess, R and I have had many similiar conversations. It is comforting to know that we are not the only couple who are having such conversations.
Rachel- Thanks for your congratulations! I think you are right, expanding our age range six months is probably not going to make a huge difference in our wait time. 24 months would probably shorten the wait time, but R and I both agree that we are not comfortable with 24 months. This is our first child, and we both want to experience as much of "babyhood" as we can. I also am of the same mind as you are- parenthood is hard work, but if we are going to be without sleep anyway, why not twins?
E.- Post all the long responses you want! I am allways open to hearing what you have to say. your blog (Looking for George) is one of my favorite blogs to visit. Your discussion on the developmental difference between 12 months and 18 months was very helpful, and was one of the major discussion points R and I had in discussing the possiblity of changing our age range. I have had quite a bit of experience with the terrible twos, and, as quirky as it sounds, it is one of my favorite ages. That being said, going from no children to a child in the terrible two's sounds like a bit much to take on. As for the twins question, we do have a lot of suppport from family and friends. One of the reasons we moved to Michigan was to be closer to family so that we would have a wealth of relatives and others to share in the lives of our child(ren). Also, I have left my full time job working with homeless and at risk youth and am now working full time at home running our family business. So, I will be a work at home mom. My mother, sister, niece, nephew, and friends from church are all eager and willing to help out during the day time if we were so lucky as to be referred twins. Also, my niece is starting college next year, and we have talked with her about spending some time at our house (the college is very nearby here) helping out with the business and the baby(ies).
As for sibling group, I agree with you that it is the most difficult scenario. It is also the most unlikely scenario, as sibling groups in Vietnam are uncommon. The most realistic expectation is one child, and the unlikely, but possible, scenario is twins.
LaLa- what can I say, girl? your support has meant so much to me these past few months that we have gotten to know each other. The quotes you have shared are wonderful- in fact, I have used one of them in my "quote of the week" section of the blog. Henri Nouwen is one of my favorite writers, and the quote from St. Francis de Sales is one I have not encountered before. Thanks for sharing both with me!
Dawn- Thanks for reminding me that anything is possible, and what we think we want is not allways what works out, or what is right for us. Everything will work out, in the end, right? Allways great to hear from a fellow yooper...look us up one of these days when you are in the area!
So, I bet you are all wondering what decision we have made regarding age range. (ok, so your probably not wondering, but I will tell you anyway). For now, R and I are going to leave things as they are, knowing that we can change things later if we so choose. While we definitely do not want to wait any longer than we have to, we do not want to make the decision to up the age range simply because it might make things move faster. That, to us, would be the wrong reason to go from 0-12 to 0-18 months. This is, after all, a life changing event, not to mention a permanent one, and I do not want my impatience with waiting cause us to disregard the reasons why we chose 0-12 months in the first place. We did give a lot of thought to this matter prior to and during our homestudy, and the choices we made regarding age, gender, and being open to twins or a sibling group were decisions that we did not make lightly or easily.
I will blog more about the "twins" and "sibs" question in my next post (I simply must get offline and get back to work!), as the reasons why we are open to that option might help illuminate for all of you why I am so interested in what people who have BTDT have to say about the experience. Which might, in turn, generate more comments from all of you- and what is better than having comments on your blog?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Wait List and Age of Referral- Wrestling with Questions
R and I are officially on the wait list. Specifically, we are on the wait list for a single boy, 0-12 months (open to a girl), or 2 children: twins or sibling group, either gender, up to 36 months of age. This is in accordance to what was stated in our homestudy, although its not quite as clear as it should be. The 36 months of age "thing" was directly in relation to a sibling group that was not twins: if a sibling group was available, 36 months of age is our upper age limit for the oldest child.
It has been suggested to us that we consider expanding the age of a single referral from 0-12 months to 0-18 months. Now, you might ask me (and rightly so) why this would even be up for debate, given that we have allready said we are open to a sibling group with the oldest child being 36 months. And, (you all will love this) I do not have a good answer for that question. For some reason, I am wrestling with making this change in age range (yes, that rhymes, and no, I didn't do that on purpose).
I believe that part of my hesitancy is this: if we do expand from 0-12 months to 0-18 months, this might shorten our wait time for a referral of an infant boy. A good thing, right? (seriously, we all know how short on patience I have been lately) However, I can't help but wonder this: If we do not expand and stick with our 0-12 months for an infant boy, will it increase our chances for twins or a sibling group?
Not sure if that is clear, or logical, but then, welcome to the workings of my bizarre brain.
Of course, the related question to ask is this: are we ready, and able, to handle two children at once? Two children the same age (twins) or two children of different ages: an infant and a toddler? There are many reasons why we asked for approval for two children, and many reasons why we are asking to be considered for two. But, we do not have any children, this is our first "run out of the gate" so to speak- so we may be (ahem. you experienced parents are thinking "no may be about it, you are) unrealistic and idealistic about going from no children to two children.
I realize the chances of a referral of twins are slim to none, and the chances of a referral of a sibling group is practically non-existent. So this may be a futile discussion, but I am nothing if not optimistic (unrealistic?) so I would love to hear what you, dear reader, have to say about adopting two children at once (two related children, mind you. not two unrelated children. That is, I believe, an entirely different issue).
Truthfully, we will most likely be referred an infant boy. Our worker as much as said so to me on the phone the other day. Which is, of course, absolutely fine with us. So my second question is this, given that the most likely scenario is a referral of an infant boy, how much of a difference is it going to make to increase our age range from 0-12 months to 0-18 months? Are we making "Much Ado About Nothing"?
The floor is yours, my friends. Be honest, be frank, and tell me what you really think.
It has been suggested to us that we consider expanding the age of a single referral from 0-12 months to 0-18 months. Now, you might ask me (and rightly so) why this would even be up for debate, given that we have allready said we are open to a sibling group with the oldest child being 36 months. And, (you all will love this) I do not have a good answer for that question. For some reason, I am wrestling with making this change in age range (yes, that rhymes, and no, I didn't do that on purpose).
I believe that part of my hesitancy is this: if we do expand from 0-12 months to 0-18 months, this might shorten our wait time for a referral of an infant boy. A good thing, right? (seriously, we all know how short on patience I have been lately) However, I can't help but wonder this: If we do not expand and stick with our 0-12 months for an infant boy, will it increase our chances for twins or a sibling group?
Not sure if that is clear, or logical, but then, welcome to the workings of my bizarre brain.
Of course, the related question to ask is this: are we ready, and able, to handle two children at once? Two children the same age (twins) or two children of different ages: an infant and a toddler? There are many reasons why we asked for approval for two children, and many reasons why we are asking to be considered for two. But, we do not have any children, this is our first "run out of the gate" so to speak- so we may be (ahem. you experienced parents are thinking "no may be about it, you are) unrealistic and idealistic about going from no children to two children.
I realize the chances of a referral of twins are slim to none, and the chances of a referral of a sibling group is practically non-existent. So this may be a futile discussion, but I am nothing if not optimistic (unrealistic?) so I would love to hear what you, dear reader, have to say about adopting two children at once (two related children, mind you. not two unrelated children. That is, I believe, an entirely different issue).
Truthfully, we will most likely be referred an infant boy. Our worker as much as said so to me on the phone the other day. Which is, of course, absolutely fine with us. So my second question is this, given that the most likely scenario is a referral of an infant boy, how much of a difference is it going to make to increase our age range from 0-12 months to 0-18 months? Are we making "Much Ado About Nothing"?
The floor is yours, my friends. Be honest, be frank, and tell me what you really think.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Adoption News
Our I-171H arrived in the mail on Saturday!!!! How cool is that? We were expecting a very long wait, as a few months ago Michigan was taking many many months to process I600A applications. Our timeline?
application received: December 1, 2006
Fingerprinting "adventure": December 27th, 2006
Application Completed: January 12, 2007
Approval Mailed: January 17th
Not Bad, huh?
R is faxing it to our agency right now, so as soon as they receive it we will move from the "waiting to wait" list to the "waiting for referral" list.
Oh, and USCIS approved us for 2 children. We are hopeful that twins will be referred to us, but are realistic enough to not expect it. Still, a gal can dream, can't she?
application received: December 1, 2006
Fingerprinting "adventure": December 27th, 2006
Application Completed: January 12, 2007
Approval Mailed: January 17th
Not Bad, huh?
R is faxing it to our agency right now, so as soon as they receive it we will move from the "waiting to wait" list to the "waiting for referral" list.
Oh, and USCIS approved us for 2 children. We are hopeful that twins will be referred to us, but are realistic enough to not expect it. Still, a gal can dream, can't she?
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Letter From Vietnam
A few months back, R and I signed up to sponser a young boy from Vietnam through our agency's sponsorship program. We felt it was one small thing we could do to "give back" to our future child's birth country for the honor and blessing of raising one of Vietnam's children. A few days ago, we received a letter and photos of our sponsor child. All of you know that I have been having a hard time lately mustering up the patience necessary to "make it through" the waiting time. Receiving our sponsor child's letter and photos was a tremendous gift that came at just the right time. Below is a translation of his letter to me:
Dear Ms. Kelly,
My name’s Quoc Khanh. I will be a police official to capture the robbers when I grow up. I’m in the second grade in a primary school. I like playing with my close friends Truong, Quang, and I like dog. I often help Mom do some house chores, sweep the floor. I’m very happy because I can keep going to school. My teacher said that if I wanted to be a police, I should study hard. And I try my best to study. I hope I could grow up quickly to be a police to capture the robbers. Thank you very much for helping me, a will-be police official. My family is very thankful for your kind.
Wish you and your family a Happy New Year.
I’m looking forward to seeing your picture. I’ll try my best to study.
Love you,
Quoc Khanh,
My name’s Quoc Khanh. I will be a police official to capture the robbers when I grow up. I’m in the second grade in a primary school. I like playing with my close friends Truong, Quang, and I like dog. I often help Mom do some house chores, sweep the floor. I’m very happy because I can keep going to school. My teacher said that if I wanted to be a police, I should study hard. And I try my best to study. I hope I could grow up quickly to be a police to capture the robbers. Thank you very much for helping me, a will-be police official. My family is very thankful for your kind.
Wish you and your family a Happy New Year.
I’m looking forward to seeing your picture. I’ll try my best to study.
Love you,
Quoc Khanh,
Love you too, Quoc Khanh. And I just know you are going to be one the best "Robber Catcher"s on the police force.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Shout Out to Dawn, a fellow Yooper
Dawn- thanks for your comments! Since I didn't have an email to reply to you, I figure the next best thing is to toss up a post just for you. Aww..now don't you feel special? I grew up in Ishpeming also (for those of you non-yoopers who read this, stating that is the equivalent of saying "We probably know each other, or at least know someone who knows both of us"- it is a small small town). We currently live at Sawyer, but hope to move to Marquette or Negaunee in the future (after the adoption, and when we find a home we like). R works in Marquette, so he doesn't want to live "way out" in Ishpeming. lol.
Shoot me an email if you want: angelsunday@msn.com
Shoot me an email if you want: angelsunday@msn.com
Monday, January 15, 2007
Wait Times and Snow Storms
We received an email update from our agency today. According to the email, there are:
39 families matched with children waiting to travel
127 families with CIS approval waiting to receive their referral
164 application families in the home study process
We have finished our homestudy, but are waiting for CIS approval, so that puts us in the latter category.
Math depresses me, therefore I refuse to do it. Feel free to crunch the numbers and figure out how close (or how far) R and I are from a referral.
In other news, we have had a massive snow storm here- amazing, given that we have had virtually no snow this year up until this point. I was rather enjoying the big, fluffly snowflakes that were falling, until someone slid around the corner and took out our mailbox! That put a damper on my snow appreciation day.
Ben is on round two of antibiotics, anti-inflamitory med, and twice daily wound cleaning and bandaging. he is NOT healing. he is also not leaving the bandage alone. At his first vet's appointment (the day after we returned from Milwaukee) he had everyone in stitches- he cried and whimpered like he was about to be executed, and, when the bandage was on his foot and he was set down, he ran for the door, barking to leave. Well, he took about five steps, stopped suddenly, looked down at his bandaged foot, and flung it out behind him (drama queen style) and yelped as if to say "OH MY GOD!! MY FOOT!! MY LEG!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!! I CAN'T WALK!" Trust me, it was hilarious. he most definitely is the drama dog in this household.
Believe it or not, he has repeated this little scene each and every time we change his bandage! Of course, he does walk on it just fine, but feels the need to give a little show each time- perhaps to make us feel bad for what we are doing to him. Then he slips off under a bed somewhere and emerges twenty or thirty minutes later sans bandage - proud as can be, tail wagging, and foot unbandaged.
That little goober. All we seem to do around here is clean and bandage ben's foot. I even tried putting a baby sock on his foot over the bandage in the hopes that it will keep him from messing with it. No such luck. He just chews right through them.
Those rare moments where he is bandaged and NOT messing with his foot, Bogey is pestering him and licking his bandaged foot for him. Ah, brotherly love.
Only now, Bogey has a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure if it is related to his "tender care" approach to Ben or not. regardless of the "why", Bogey now has to have the area around his mouth cleaned twice a day and ointment put on it.
Both dogs cower and hide whenever they see Robert or I approaching them at the same time. R and I are reduced to "stealth tactics" in order to get both boys medicated and their wounds treated.
Fun times, don't you think?
39 families matched with children waiting to travel
127 families with CIS approval waiting to receive their referral
164 application families in the home study process
We have finished our homestudy, but are waiting for CIS approval, so that puts us in the latter category.
Math depresses me, therefore I refuse to do it. Feel free to crunch the numbers and figure out how close (or how far) R and I are from a referral.
In other news, we have had a massive snow storm here- amazing, given that we have had virtually no snow this year up until this point. I was rather enjoying the big, fluffly snowflakes that were falling, until someone slid around the corner and took out our mailbox! That put a damper on my snow appreciation day.
Ben is on round two of antibiotics, anti-inflamitory med, and twice daily wound cleaning and bandaging. he is NOT healing. he is also not leaving the bandage alone. At his first vet's appointment (the day after we returned from Milwaukee) he had everyone in stitches- he cried and whimpered like he was about to be executed, and, when the bandage was on his foot and he was set down, he ran for the door, barking to leave. Well, he took about five steps, stopped suddenly, looked down at his bandaged foot, and flung it out behind him (drama queen style) and yelped as if to say "OH MY GOD!! MY FOOT!! MY LEG!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!! I CAN'T WALK!" Trust me, it was hilarious. he most definitely is the drama dog in this household.
Believe it or not, he has repeated this little scene each and every time we change his bandage! Of course, he does walk on it just fine, but feels the need to give a little show each time- perhaps to make us feel bad for what we are doing to him. Then he slips off under a bed somewhere and emerges twenty or thirty minutes later sans bandage - proud as can be, tail wagging, and foot unbandaged.
That little goober. All we seem to do around here is clean and bandage ben's foot. I even tried putting a baby sock on his foot over the bandage in the hopes that it will keep him from messing with it. No such luck. He just chews right through them.
Those rare moments where he is bandaged and NOT messing with his foot, Bogey is pestering him and licking his bandaged foot for him. Ah, brotherly love.
Only now, Bogey has a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure if it is related to his "tender care" approach to Ben or not. regardless of the "why", Bogey now has to have the area around his mouth cleaned twice a day and ointment put on it.
Both dogs cower and hide whenever they see Robert or I approaching them at the same time. R and I are reduced to "stealth tactics" in order to get both boys medicated and their wounds treated.
Fun times, don't you think?
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Adoption Wait Part Deux
While I am surprised that my blog is actually read by anyone outside of my handful of friends (most, if not all, of whom are the writers of the blogs listed in my adoption links section), some questions have arisen from people outside of of our little circle in regards to my previous post "Adoption Wait." I feel they are important questions, and so I will attemp to clarify what was shared in the "Adoption Wait " post for those that have concerns about the information shared.
R and I spent a lot of time researching agencies- and I do mean a lot. As I mentioned in a very early post in this blog, when we first began to seriously consider adoption, Vietnam was not open and we were leaning heavily towards Guatemala. For over a year, we focused on agencies with Guatemala programs and had narrowed down our options to three or four agencies. I joined a few Yahoo groups relating to Guatemala adoption and eagerly read each and every post to learn everything I could about Guatemala's adoption process. As the year progressed, it became apparent to R and I that there were some troubling aspects of Guatemala adoption that we were gravely concerned about - rather than get into all of that here, I ask that you go to the archives and read my initial post and/or email me at : angelsunday@msn.com. While we were debating wether or not to stay with Guatemala or look for another program, Vietnam opened up. We then spent quite a bit of time researching Vietnam and agencies with Vietnam programs.
After much thought, R and I decided to "go with" Vietnam. We narrowed down our agency choices to two and proceeded to talk with representatives from each agency. In January of 2006, we sent in our intitial application to CHI (Children's Hope International). At that time, the wait for an infant boy was quoted as 2-4 months.
Our application was returned to us about a week later, with the request that we reapply after we had been married one full year. At that time, we debated going with agency #2, as they did not have a marriage length requirement. In the end we decided that we were most comfortable (and confident) with CHI, so we settled in to wait until our one year anniversary: October 2006.
In September of 2006 we had our homestudy conducted, and resubmitted our application to CHI at the end of the month. At that time, the wait for an infant boy had increased to 6-8 months for a referral, with travel following 3 months after that. If we included the time spent on homestudy and the wait for INS approval, the total time line to complete the adoption would be around 12 months.
For a variety of frustrating reasons (none the fault of CHI, who was not our homestudy agency), we did not receive the final version of our homestudy until November 25, 2006. We sent in our I600-A application to the Detroit office, and waited for our fingerprint appointment, which we finally had on December 27, 2006. In the meantime, we began to receive updates on the Vietnam program from CHI. Given that we are not officially on the "wait list" for a referral until after we receive our INS approval, we are among the many people "waiting to wait" for a referral.
As my previous post mentions, the most recent update on the Vietnam program is quoting 12-15 months for a referral. While it has not been confirmed, I think it is a reasonable assumption that the increase in wait times from our initial application in January of 2006 and the most recent update is due in part to the popularity of Vietnam adoption, the popularity of CHI, and the recent changes in China's regulations for PAP's.
While we are most definitely frustrated and dissapointed in the increase in wait times, we are in no way disatisfied with CHI. We chose CHI for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is their ethics. Believe me when I say we took a lot of time to research all the agencies that were viable options for us and, once we had narrowed it down to two agencies, spent even more time researching each agency. I am a member of several yahoo groups pertaining to vietnam adoption and to adoption in general (plug here for the yahoo group AAR-Adoption Agency Research) and heard nothing but good things about CHI. In addition to researching CHI on yahoo groups, we had private email correspondence with former CHI clients, investigated their financial reports, and spoke with the adoption worker for LSS of Wisconsin and Upper Michigan (who I was employed with at the time in a seperate program dealing with at risk and homeless youth) about CHI. This is all in addition to several conversations R had with the director of CHI for our region (chicago office of CHI) in which he asked all the "right questions" suggested by those on APV and other yahoo groups, as well as questions unique to ourselves. All of these factors went into our decision to go with CHI, and we are satisfied with that decision.
I have had contact with PAP's who were with CHI's Vietnam program but switched agencies due to the long wait for a referral. The PAP's who have switched have been clear that the reason for the switch was the wait itself, and not due to any wrongdoing or negative experience with CHI.
The long and short of it is this: we are happy with our agency. We are not happy with the wait times. But then, what PAP likes to wait? At this time, we have no intentions of changing agencies. We do, of course, hope against hope that the wait times will magically decrease! We have asked for approval for two children - twins or a sibling group. Who knows, maybe that will move us up the list some...once we get on the wait list, that is!
I hope that this post has clarified the questions and concerns that some of you have had about my previous post.
R and I spent a lot of time researching agencies- and I do mean a lot. As I mentioned in a very early post in this blog, when we first began to seriously consider adoption, Vietnam was not open and we were leaning heavily towards Guatemala. For over a year, we focused on agencies with Guatemala programs and had narrowed down our options to three or four agencies. I joined a few Yahoo groups relating to Guatemala adoption and eagerly read each and every post to learn everything I could about Guatemala's adoption process. As the year progressed, it became apparent to R and I that there were some troubling aspects of Guatemala adoption that we were gravely concerned about - rather than get into all of that here, I ask that you go to the archives and read my initial post and/or email me at : angelsunday@msn.com. While we were debating wether or not to stay with Guatemala or look for another program, Vietnam opened up. We then spent quite a bit of time researching Vietnam and agencies with Vietnam programs.
After much thought, R and I decided to "go with" Vietnam. We narrowed down our agency choices to two and proceeded to talk with representatives from each agency. In January of 2006, we sent in our intitial application to CHI (Children's Hope International). At that time, the wait for an infant boy was quoted as 2-4 months.
Our application was returned to us about a week later, with the request that we reapply after we had been married one full year. At that time, we debated going with agency #2, as they did not have a marriage length requirement. In the end we decided that we were most comfortable (and confident) with CHI, so we settled in to wait until our one year anniversary: October 2006.
In September of 2006 we had our homestudy conducted, and resubmitted our application to CHI at the end of the month. At that time, the wait for an infant boy had increased to 6-8 months for a referral, with travel following 3 months after that. If we included the time spent on homestudy and the wait for INS approval, the total time line to complete the adoption would be around 12 months.
For a variety of frustrating reasons (none the fault of CHI, who was not our homestudy agency), we did not receive the final version of our homestudy until November 25, 2006. We sent in our I600-A application to the Detroit office, and waited for our fingerprint appointment, which we finally had on December 27, 2006. In the meantime, we began to receive updates on the Vietnam program from CHI. Given that we are not officially on the "wait list" for a referral until after we receive our INS approval, we are among the many people "waiting to wait" for a referral.
As my previous post mentions, the most recent update on the Vietnam program is quoting 12-15 months for a referral. While it has not been confirmed, I think it is a reasonable assumption that the increase in wait times from our initial application in January of 2006 and the most recent update is due in part to the popularity of Vietnam adoption, the popularity of CHI, and the recent changes in China's regulations for PAP's.
While we are most definitely frustrated and dissapointed in the increase in wait times, we are in no way disatisfied with CHI. We chose CHI for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is their ethics. Believe me when I say we took a lot of time to research all the agencies that were viable options for us and, once we had narrowed it down to two agencies, spent even more time researching each agency. I am a member of several yahoo groups pertaining to vietnam adoption and to adoption in general (plug here for the yahoo group AAR-Adoption Agency Research) and heard nothing but good things about CHI. In addition to researching CHI on yahoo groups, we had private email correspondence with former CHI clients, investigated their financial reports, and spoke with the adoption worker for LSS of Wisconsin and Upper Michigan (who I was employed with at the time in a seperate program dealing with at risk and homeless youth) about CHI. This is all in addition to several conversations R had with the director of CHI for our region (chicago office of CHI) in which he asked all the "right questions" suggested by those on APV and other yahoo groups, as well as questions unique to ourselves. All of these factors went into our decision to go with CHI, and we are satisfied with that decision.
I have had contact with PAP's who were with CHI's Vietnam program but switched agencies due to the long wait for a referral. The PAP's who have switched have been clear that the reason for the switch was the wait itself, and not due to any wrongdoing or negative experience with CHI.
The long and short of it is this: we are happy with our agency. We are not happy with the wait times. But then, what PAP likes to wait? At this time, we have no intentions of changing agencies. We do, of course, hope against hope that the wait times will magically decrease! We have asked for approval for two children - twins or a sibling group. Who knows, maybe that will move us up the list some...once we get on the wait list, that is!
I hope that this post has clarified the questions and concerns that some of you have had about my previous post.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Adoption Wait
I was going to post about Ben's visit to the vet and our subsequent "drama" involved with his bandaged foot, but I am feeling pretty down right now and can't find the sense of humor necessary to write about it well.
Why am I a bit down, you ask? Well, let me tell you. I received an email update from our agency that reports the following: " for those families that got on the wait list this year in October 2006 of later, they should anticipate a 12-15 month wait."
We are not even on the wait list yet, as we are still waiting for our INS approval.
12-15 months???? are you kidding me? When we started this process the wait was 2-4 months, by the time we received our official approval from the agency, the wait was 6-8 months, and now the wait is 12-15 months.
I feel discouraged. and mean. I am not having very nice thoughts about China these days. Somehow it makes me feel better to blame China for changing their rules and causing so many PAP's to switch to Vietnam.
Not nice, I know. But damn it, I can't help thinking that those parents who switched mid stream (aka after their INS approval) from China to Vietnam are getting on the waiting list before people like us, who are still waiting for INS approval.
Now, before I get scolded for saying this, I am not claiming this is true. I am saying that this is what my dissapointed, stressed out, impatient mind suspects is happening.
Besides, I am not in the mood to be rational, patient, and calm.
I am annoyed. Royally pissed off, really.
12-15 months. damn.
Why am I a bit down, you ask? Well, let me tell you. I received an email update from our agency that reports the following: " for those families that got on the wait list this year in October 2006 of later, they should anticipate a 12-15 month wait."
We are not even on the wait list yet, as we are still waiting for our INS approval.
12-15 months???? are you kidding me? When we started this process the wait was 2-4 months, by the time we received our official approval from the agency, the wait was 6-8 months, and now the wait is 12-15 months.
I feel discouraged. and mean. I am not having very nice thoughts about China these days. Somehow it makes me feel better to blame China for changing their rules and causing so many PAP's to switch to Vietnam.
Not nice, I know. But damn it, I can't help thinking that those parents who switched mid stream (aka after their INS approval) from China to Vietnam are getting on the waiting list before people like us, who are still waiting for INS approval.
Now, before I get scolded for saying this, I am not claiming this is true. I am saying that this is what my dissapointed, stressed out, impatient mind suspects is happening.
Besides, I am not in the mood to be rational, patient, and calm.
I am annoyed. Royally pissed off, really.
12-15 months. damn.
Monday, January 08, 2007
What a Life!
I am not Jewish, so I hope my Jewish friends will forgive me for borrowing this phrase, but there is no other way to talk about the last week or so without using the expression "Oy Vey!"
From my previous post, you all know the "adventure" that unfolded during our trip to Milwaukee for our fingerpring appointment. Remember at the end of the post I hinted that when we returned home things continued to be chaotic and sleep deprived? Well, here is what happened. We arrived home at eight oclock and we greeted by two very happy, hyper pups. Note that I did not say "happy, hyper, healthy pups." Ben, our 10 year old pomeranian, was limping badly. I don't know what happened, but somehow, in the short period of time between when my mom left our house (she was "grandog sitting") at six p.m. and our arrival at eight p.m., Ben's right rear paw sustained an injury. Upon inspection, I discovered that part of the pad of his paw had been, for lack of a better word, "skinned." It was red, raw, and oozing. Clearly infected. And Ben was miserable. It was obvious that he had been licking at it, which further irritated the injury.
Bogey, our Scottish Terrier, was clearly distraught over his "brother's" injury. When Ben was not licking at his paw, Bogey was trying to do it for him! Ben was not that "receptive" to Bogey's attention. Hence, my entire night (and I do mean my entire night) went as follows:
"Ben, stop licking" [Ben stops licking and looks at me like I was the most stupid and mean person in the whole world to tell him he has to stop licking his foot -"it hurts, you dummy! I have to lick it!"]
"Bogey chill out!" [Bogey is whimpering and whining, tail wagging 90 per, and trying to lick Ben's paw for him, when that was not working, he resorted to licking Ben's eyes, ears, face etc]
"Ben, that's enough!" [Ben does NOT like Bogey in his face or licking any part of his body, so he is growling and barring his teeth at Bogey]
"AROOOO" [Bogey is not "getting" why Ben is growling and is expressing his dismay at not being able to "take care of" his brother]
"BEN STOP LICKING"
"BOGEY LEAVE HIM ALONE"
This "dialogue" continued to repeat itself all night long. And I do mean all night long. Meanwhile, R is snoring away, oblivious to it all.
By 3 a.m. I lost it. I yelled at both dogs, and then I drugged Ben with Benadryl.
Then I cried, thinking "There is no way I can be a mother, I can't even take care of my dogs! We might as well just stop the adoption now- I am going to be a horrible mother, I can see it now, social services showing up at our door because I lose it with my child and yell at him and then drug him with Benadryl to make him sleep."
It was a truly awful night. And the nights following weren't much better. I will write about Ben's (aka "drama dog") visit to the vet a little later, as I have yet another meeting to attend (as I said earlier, Oy Vey!)
From my previous post, you all know the "adventure" that unfolded during our trip to Milwaukee for our fingerpring appointment. Remember at the end of the post I hinted that when we returned home things continued to be chaotic and sleep deprived? Well, here is what happened. We arrived home at eight oclock and we greeted by two very happy, hyper pups. Note that I did not say "happy, hyper, healthy pups." Ben, our 10 year old pomeranian, was limping badly. I don't know what happened, but somehow, in the short period of time between when my mom left our house (she was "grandog sitting") at six p.m. and our arrival at eight p.m., Ben's right rear paw sustained an injury. Upon inspection, I discovered that part of the pad of his paw had been, for lack of a better word, "skinned." It was red, raw, and oozing. Clearly infected. And Ben was miserable. It was obvious that he had been licking at it, which further irritated the injury.
Bogey, our Scottish Terrier, was clearly distraught over his "brother's" injury. When Ben was not licking at his paw, Bogey was trying to do it for him! Ben was not that "receptive" to Bogey's attention. Hence, my entire night (and I do mean my entire night) went as follows:
"Ben, stop licking" [Ben stops licking and looks at me like I was the most stupid and mean person in the whole world to tell him he has to stop licking his foot -"it hurts, you dummy! I have to lick it!"]
"Bogey chill out!" [Bogey is whimpering and whining, tail wagging 90 per, and trying to lick Ben's paw for him, when that was not working, he resorted to licking Ben's eyes, ears, face etc]
"Ben, that's enough!" [Ben does NOT like Bogey in his face or licking any part of his body, so he is growling and barring his teeth at Bogey]
"AROOOO" [Bogey is not "getting" why Ben is growling and is expressing his dismay at not being able to "take care of" his brother]
"BEN STOP LICKING"
"BOGEY LEAVE HIM ALONE"
This "dialogue" continued to repeat itself all night long. And I do mean all night long. Meanwhile, R is snoring away, oblivious to it all.
By 3 a.m. I lost it. I yelled at both dogs, and then I drugged Ben with Benadryl.
Then I cried, thinking "There is no way I can be a mother, I can't even take care of my dogs! We might as well just stop the adoption now- I am going to be a horrible mother, I can see it now, social services showing up at our door because I lose it with my child and yell at him and then drug him with Benadryl to make him sleep."
It was a truly awful night. And the nights following weren't much better. I will write about Ben's (aka "drama dog") visit to the vet a little later, as I have yet another meeting to attend (as I said earlier, Oy Vey!)
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Fingeprinting Done!
Whew! Is anybody else out there as tired as I am these days? Christmas was wonderfully hectic- R and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my mother, my sister, my brother in law, and my niece and nephew. Somehow we all managed to keep a Christmas spirit, even in the absence of snow (can you believe there was no snow on the ground on Christmas day here? and this is the U.P. land of the great snowstorms!).
The day after Christmas, R and I headed to Wisconsin to get our fingerprinting done at the Milwaukee Homeland Security Office. We left in the afternoon, with the idea that we would stay overnight in Appleton (well, actually that is what I thought the plan was, it turns out R had other plans), have a nice dinner, relax at a hotel, and get up in the morning and drive the rest of the way to Milwaukee for the appointment.
R had other ideas.
here is what happened. We were in the car, just outside of Escanaba, Michigan when my cell phone rang. My friend L, who lives in Appleton, was checking to see where we were and if we were going to stay with her that night. R told her that we were going to drive to Milwaukee and spend the night there.
oookay, then. First I heard of this plan. But I am flexible. We can make this work. So we will stop in Green Bay and have a nice dinner and then drive on to the outskirts of Milwaukee, find a hotel, have a nice, relaxing evening together and get up in the morning, head downtown, and get fingerprinted.
Only problem was, the turn off to Milwaukee is before any good restaurants. To make a long story short, we drove all the way to Milwaukee without stopping to eat. I was starved. And tired.
ookay, then. So we will stop outside of Milwuakee, find a hotel, and have a nice dinner.
Not exactly. R decided that we should drive into Milwaukee first and find the Homeland Security Building so that we know where we need to go in the morning.
nine oclock Milwaukee time (ten oclock our time) I find myself driving in circles in downtown Milwaukee. Now, anyone who knows me knows I am not navigationally gifted, and therefore not to be trusted when it comes to reading maps and finding places. But I like to think that even I would know to try a different route after passing the same bus station, train station, and "society for a peaceful america" building a zillion times. (oh look, there is the greyhound station! hey, its the greyhound station again! oh and there is Amtrak! and there it is again!)
We did finally find the Homeland Security building. Good thing, as I was about to die of starvation at that point. Then the question of finding a hotel came up. Which ensued a debate over staying downtown (my opinion being it was too expensive, R's being that it was allready nine something at night and surely we could get a good rate). So we drove around downtown Milwaukee a little more (oh look, its the Greyhound station! wasn't that guy standing outside there the last time we passed by?). Finally, R decided that maybe we should go outside of Milwaukee for a hotel.
After a little more driving around, we finally found a hotel with an Outback Steakhouse next door. Hooray! FOOD! SLEEP!! R went into the hotel and secured us a room for the night. We then headed immediately over to the Outback (I think my threat of immediate death due to starvation was the motivating factor there) to eat. It was now nine thirty p.m. Outback closes at ten p.m. Needless to say, the waitress was not too keen on having us walk in at nine thirty. We did, however, receive very fast service. (note to all: if you eat at any restaurant that has a bar at that time of night, you can bet you will be seated by a bunch of men who are on their nth round of Foster's and who, apparently, have accomplished nothing in life more important than their high school football years. These men will also have a passion for talking about those said football years and have an astonishing recollection of every game they ever played. Which they will talk about. loudly)
Food was good. Check came very fast. It was time to leave our football heroes and head to the hotel. Finally. I was soo tired. I couldnt' wait to get into the room and relax.
Sadly, it was not to happen that way. Turns out, our key card did not work in the door. So off we go, lugging our suitcase and my pillow (I hate hotel room pillows!) to try other doors. No luck. It is now after ten p.m. Milwaukee time (eleven p.m. our time), it's cold, I'm beyond tired, and R is getting crabby. R leaves me standing at the door close to the pool room and he heads over to another door off of to the pool area and bangs on it to get the attention of a late night swimmer. The swimmer lets him in. "whew, I think. Now he will come and let me in and we can get to this room before I collapse."
Imagine my disbelief as I watch my husband walk right by the door where I am standing, forlornly, no longer starving, but about to die of exhaustion! "Where the (insert appropriate naughty words here) is he going?"
Fortunately, he came back down the hall and let me in. Otherwise, I would be looking at life as an adoptive single widowed mother.
Ok, now we get to the nice peaceful, full night of sleep part right?
Nope. The room we are in has a horrendously loud fan system in an unknown, unfindable location, that goes off intermittently all night long. Oh, and R snores. Loudly. Extremely Loudly.
Suffice it to say, I barely slept at all.
Fortunately for my sanity and R's life, we managed to get downtown to our fingerprint apointment head of schedule (we needed to be there at nine a.m. and arrived a little after eight a.m.) and find a parking space directly accross from the building. Good thing, as there was a line of people waiting to get in.
The wait was short and the fingerprinting went smoothly. We were out of there by nine a.m.
The journey home was uneventful -Save for a minor, unexpected, and unplanned "detour" (translation: wrong turn) that delayed our homecoming by about an hour. I wasn't too bothered by it though, as we did manage to go to Appleton on the way home and were able to have lunch with my friend L and go to Toys R Us and Barnes and Noble (two stores I love that I never get to go to since the closest ones to where we live are, in fact, in Appleton Wisconsin).
I was so looking forward to a good night's sleep in my own house, my own bed, and my two pups. I had fantasies of crawling into bed, snuggling under the covers, and sleeping in late.
Didn't Happen. Not that night. Not the night after that. Not until last night, in fact, did I get more than a few hours of sleep. But we shall save that story for another post.
The day after Christmas, R and I headed to Wisconsin to get our fingerprinting done at the Milwaukee Homeland Security Office. We left in the afternoon, with the idea that we would stay overnight in Appleton (well, actually that is what I thought the plan was, it turns out R had other plans), have a nice dinner, relax at a hotel, and get up in the morning and drive the rest of the way to Milwaukee for the appointment.
R had other ideas.
here is what happened. We were in the car, just outside of Escanaba, Michigan when my cell phone rang. My friend L, who lives in Appleton, was checking to see where we were and if we were going to stay with her that night. R told her that we were going to drive to Milwaukee and spend the night there.
oookay, then. First I heard of this plan. But I am flexible. We can make this work. So we will stop in Green Bay and have a nice dinner and then drive on to the outskirts of Milwaukee, find a hotel, have a nice, relaxing evening together and get up in the morning, head downtown, and get fingerprinted.
Only problem was, the turn off to Milwaukee is before any good restaurants. To make a long story short, we drove all the way to Milwaukee without stopping to eat. I was starved. And tired.
ookay, then. So we will stop outside of Milwuakee, find a hotel, and have a nice dinner.
Not exactly. R decided that we should drive into Milwaukee first and find the Homeland Security Building so that we know where we need to go in the morning.
nine oclock Milwaukee time (ten oclock our time) I find myself driving in circles in downtown Milwaukee. Now, anyone who knows me knows I am not navigationally gifted, and therefore not to be trusted when it comes to reading maps and finding places. But I like to think that even I would know to try a different route after passing the same bus station, train station, and "society for a peaceful america" building a zillion times. (oh look, there is the greyhound station! hey, its the greyhound station again! oh and there is Amtrak! and there it is again!)
We did finally find the Homeland Security building. Good thing, as I was about to die of starvation at that point. Then the question of finding a hotel came up. Which ensued a debate over staying downtown (my opinion being it was too expensive, R's being that it was allready nine something at night and surely we could get a good rate). So we drove around downtown Milwaukee a little more (oh look, its the Greyhound station! wasn't that guy standing outside there the last time we passed by?). Finally, R decided that maybe we should go outside of Milwaukee for a hotel.
After a little more driving around, we finally found a hotel with an Outback Steakhouse next door. Hooray! FOOD! SLEEP!! R went into the hotel and secured us a room for the night. We then headed immediately over to the Outback (I think my threat of immediate death due to starvation was the motivating factor there) to eat. It was now nine thirty p.m. Outback closes at ten p.m. Needless to say, the waitress was not too keen on having us walk in at nine thirty. We did, however, receive very fast service. (note to all: if you eat at any restaurant that has a bar at that time of night, you can bet you will be seated by a bunch of men who are on their nth round of Foster's and who, apparently, have accomplished nothing in life more important than their high school football years. These men will also have a passion for talking about those said football years and have an astonishing recollection of every game they ever played. Which they will talk about. loudly)
Food was good. Check came very fast. It was time to leave our football heroes and head to the hotel. Finally. I was soo tired. I couldnt' wait to get into the room and relax.
Sadly, it was not to happen that way. Turns out, our key card did not work in the door. So off we go, lugging our suitcase and my pillow (I hate hotel room pillows!) to try other doors. No luck. It is now after ten p.m. Milwaukee time (eleven p.m. our time), it's cold, I'm beyond tired, and R is getting crabby. R leaves me standing at the door close to the pool room and he heads over to another door off of to the pool area and bangs on it to get the attention of a late night swimmer. The swimmer lets him in. "whew, I think. Now he will come and let me in and we can get to this room before I collapse."
Imagine my disbelief as I watch my husband walk right by the door where I am standing, forlornly, no longer starving, but about to die of exhaustion! "Where the (insert appropriate naughty words here) is he going?"
Fortunately, he came back down the hall and let me in. Otherwise, I would be looking at life as an adoptive single widowed mother.
Ok, now we get to the nice peaceful, full night of sleep part right?
Nope. The room we are in has a horrendously loud fan system in an unknown, unfindable location, that goes off intermittently all night long. Oh, and R snores. Loudly. Extremely Loudly.
Suffice it to say, I barely slept at all.
Fortunately for my sanity and R's life, we managed to get downtown to our fingerprint apointment head of schedule (we needed to be there at nine a.m. and arrived a little after eight a.m.) and find a parking space directly accross from the building. Good thing, as there was a line of people waiting to get in.
The wait was short and the fingerprinting went smoothly. We were out of there by nine a.m.
The journey home was uneventful -Save for a minor, unexpected, and unplanned "detour" (translation: wrong turn) that delayed our homecoming by about an hour. I wasn't too bothered by it though, as we did manage to go to Appleton on the way home and were able to have lunch with my friend L and go to Toys R Us and Barnes and Noble (two stores I love that I never get to go to since the closest ones to where we live are, in fact, in Appleton Wisconsin).
I was so looking forward to a good night's sleep in my own house, my own bed, and my two pups. I had fantasies of crawling into bed, snuggling under the covers, and sleeping in late.
Didn't Happen. Not that night. Not the night after that. Not until last night, in fact, did I get more than a few hours of sleep. But we shall save that story for another post.
Friday, December 22, 2006
The Cabbage Patch Kid Christmas Caper
Rachel asked about the Cabbage Patch Kid story that I alluded to in a post earlier this month when I was talking about my dad. Since it is just before Christmas, and there is nothing new to report about the adoption, and, most importantly, since she asked, I am going to share the story.
Picture it: Christmas, 1984. I am in fourth grade. Like every kid in the world, I desperately wanted a cabbage patch kid for Christmas. Of course, these days you can walk into any walmart or target or toys r us and buy a Cabbage Patch kid; but in 1984 they were in very high demand and therefore very hard to find. People were getting into fist fights over these goofy looking dolls! I remember seeing footage on the evening news of shelf stockers struggling to open boxes of Cabbage Patch kids and attempting to fend off the crazed parents who were desperately trying to grab a doll out of the box.
Needles to say, I was worried. I asked my dad "Do you think Santa will be able to get a Cabbage Patch kid for me? What if he tries and someone punches him out?"
My dad told me " Don't worry, Santa will come through and no one was big enough or strong enough to punch out Santa Claus. In fact, if they tried, they would definitely NOT ever have Christmas presents again- and who would risk that? "
He said it. I believed it. And I told EVERYONE that Santa was going to bring me a Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas. And I told them over and over and over and over again.
Guess what? Underneath the Christmas tree on Christmas morning was a genuine Cabbage Patch Kid. A bald baby boy, with a pair of jeans on, a white and yellow striped t-shirt, a blue windbreaker, white socks and white tennis shoes with blue stripes. His name was Wayne. And I still have him.
It wasn't until many years later that I found out what "Santa" went through to get me that Cabbage Patch Doll.
My dad spent hours upon hours checking out the stores looking for the Cabbage Patch Kids. He talked to everyone he could think of to try to find out when shipments were coming in and he would be at whatever store was getting a shipment standing outside the door waiting for the store to open. Unfortunately, so were a lot of parents, so he struck out again and again.
One night he was visiting his friend Ray's house and it was announced on the radio that a gas station in a little podunk town over two hours away was expecting a shipment of Cabbage Patch Kids that would be put on the shelves at midnight.
This is the kind of Dad I had. He and Ray looked at each other, looked at the clock, and jumped in Dad's car to drive two hours one way to this gas station to wait in line and try to get my Cabbage Patch Kid. At the gas station Dad and Ray pushed their way into the store, and somehow in the midst of all that crowd, my dad managed to get his hands on one of the dolls. Without even pausing to look at it, he paid forty dollars for it and they got in the car. Now forty dollars was a lot of money for my dad to spend on a Christmas gift, especially in 1984. We didn't have much money and for him to spend that kind of money for a doll was a big deal.
Once Dad and Ray got back from their "Cabbage Patch Kid Road Trip" and took the doll out and looked at it, they realized they had been ripped off. This was not a genuine Xavier Roberts Cabbage Patch Kid. It was (as my dad would later describe it) a "piss poor" imitation doll stuffed with saw dust that pretty much fell apart when it was taken out of the box.
My Dad was not the type to give up, especially once he had made a promise. He continued to check out sale papers, talk to "behind the scenes" store workers about CPK shipment arrivals, and spent just about every spare minute he had for the next two weeks trying to find a "genuine" Cabbage Patch Kid.
Just a few days before Christmas, the local drug store received a shipment of Cabbage Patch Kids. My dad, who I suspect had insider knowledge, was at the store, and managed to get his hands on a REAL Cabbage Patch Kid. (later he told me that he had it in his hands and some guy tried to grab it from him and they actually got into a bit of a tug of war over the doll LOL)
To rip off a formula of a popular credit card company:
Cabbage Patch Kid: $40.00
Dad who spends all his free time and money he didn't really have to spend to get that Cabbage Patch Kid for his daugther: Priceless
As some of you know, my dad died of cancer in August of 2004. I miss him terribly. And I still have, and cherish, Wayne, (the Cabbage Patch Kid). Even more precious to me is the story of Dad's "Cabbage Patch Kid Christmas Caper."
I look forward to hearing my mom retell that story this year. And I cannot wait for the day that I can share that story with my own children. Of course that is many many years down the road, but good stories are worth the wait, don't you think?
Picture it: Christmas, 1984. I am in fourth grade. Like every kid in the world, I desperately wanted a cabbage patch kid for Christmas. Of course, these days you can walk into any walmart or target or toys r us and buy a Cabbage Patch kid; but in 1984 they were in very high demand and therefore very hard to find. People were getting into fist fights over these goofy looking dolls! I remember seeing footage on the evening news of shelf stockers struggling to open boxes of Cabbage Patch kids and attempting to fend off the crazed parents who were desperately trying to grab a doll out of the box.
Needles to say, I was worried. I asked my dad "Do you think Santa will be able to get a Cabbage Patch kid for me? What if he tries and someone punches him out?"
My dad told me " Don't worry, Santa will come through and no one was big enough or strong enough to punch out Santa Claus. In fact, if they tried, they would definitely NOT ever have Christmas presents again- and who would risk that? "
He said it. I believed it. And I told EVERYONE that Santa was going to bring me a Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas. And I told them over and over and over and over again.
Guess what? Underneath the Christmas tree on Christmas morning was a genuine Cabbage Patch Kid. A bald baby boy, with a pair of jeans on, a white and yellow striped t-shirt, a blue windbreaker, white socks and white tennis shoes with blue stripes. His name was Wayne. And I still have him.
It wasn't until many years later that I found out what "Santa" went through to get me that Cabbage Patch Doll.
My dad spent hours upon hours checking out the stores looking for the Cabbage Patch Kids. He talked to everyone he could think of to try to find out when shipments were coming in and he would be at whatever store was getting a shipment standing outside the door waiting for the store to open. Unfortunately, so were a lot of parents, so he struck out again and again.
One night he was visiting his friend Ray's house and it was announced on the radio that a gas station in a little podunk town over two hours away was expecting a shipment of Cabbage Patch Kids that would be put on the shelves at midnight.
This is the kind of Dad I had. He and Ray looked at each other, looked at the clock, and jumped in Dad's car to drive two hours one way to this gas station to wait in line and try to get my Cabbage Patch Kid. At the gas station Dad and Ray pushed their way into the store, and somehow in the midst of all that crowd, my dad managed to get his hands on one of the dolls. Without even pausing to look at it, he paid forty dollars for it and they got in the car. Now forty dollars was a lot of money for my dad to spend on a Christmas gift, especially in 1984. We didn't have much money and for him to spend that kind of money for a doll was a big deal.
Once Dad and Ray got back from their "Cabbage Patch Kid Road Trip" and took the doll out and looked at it, they realized they had been ripped off. This was not a genuine Xavier Roberts Cabbage Patch Kid. It was (as my dad would later describe it) a "piss poor" imitation doll stuffed with saw dust that pretty much fell apart when it was taken out of the box.
My Dad was not the type to give up, especially once he had made a promise. He continued to check out sale papers, talk to "behind the scenes" store workers about CPK shipment arrivals, and spent just about every spare minute he had for the next two weeks trying to find a "genuine" Cabbage Patch Kid.
Just a few days before Christmas, the local drug store received a shipment of Cabbage Patch Kids. My dad, who I suspect had insider knowledge, was at the store, and managed to get his hands on a REAL Cabbage Patch Kid. (later he told me that he had it in his hands and some guy tried to grab it from him and they actually got into a bit of a tug of war over the doll LOL)
To rip off a formula of a popular credit card company:
Cabbage Patch Kid: $40.00
Dad who spends all his free time and money he didn't really have to spend to get that Cabbage Patch Kid for his daugther: Priceless
As some of you know, my dad died of cancer in August of 2004. I miss him terribly. And I still have, and cherish, Wayne, (the Cabbage Patch Kid). Even more precious to me is the story of Dad's "Cabbage Patch Kid Christmas Caper."
I look forward to hearing my mom retell that story this year. And I cannot wait for the day that I can share that story with my own children. Of course that is many many years down the road, but good stories are worth the wait, don't you think?
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Quick Update
Just have time for a quick update before I get back to work. R was finally able to get a hold of someone at USCIS yesterday and was told that it is not unusual for people to miss their original scheduled appointment. We can go any following wednesday after the original appointment date (so yes, you were right Gretchen about the sentence at the bottom of the letter. what confused us was the other sentence in bold letters saying that if we missed the appointment our application would be voided) as long as we had good reason for missing the original appointment.
R asked if living six and a half hours away from Milwaukee was a "good reason."
So, we are now going to leave on December 26th for Wisconsin and go to USCIS for fingerprinting on the morning of the 27th. R was told that as long as we explained why we missed the original appointment, we should not have any problems.
So....things are much better around here, at least in regards to the fingerprinting. Now the count down to christmas must get these orders out and where the hell is UPS part of our lives, that is a different story!
Thanks, everyone for your kind words of support and advice. I have no idea what I would do for "adoption support" if I did not have all of you in bloggerland!
R asked if living six and a half hours away from Milwaukee was a "good reason."
So, we are now going to leave on December 26th for Wisconsin and go to USCIS for fingerprinting on the morning of the 27th. R was told that as long as we explained why we missed the original appointment, we should not have any problems.
So....things are much better around here, at least in regards to the fingerprinting. Now the count down to christmas must get these orders out and where the hell is UPS part of our lives, that is a different story!
Thanks, everyone for your kind words of support and advice. I have no idea what I would do for "adoption support" if I did not have all of you in bloggerland!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Fingerprint Appointment
Among the usual fair of junk mail, bills, and a few Christmas cards, yesterday's mail included our fingepring appointments. Which should be cause for great joy, right?
Unfortunately not.
The appointment date is for Tuesday, December 19th. The place of the appointment? Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
We live in Michigan. Milwaukee, Wisconsin is easily a six and a half hour drive from here.
Tuesday December 19th is six days before Christmas. It is also one of the last days we have to ship out our Christmas orders from our business.
Due to some major problems with our vendors being backed up, we are behind as it is with our orders. We have easily 100 orders that need to be sent out on Tuesday.
The contents of those orders are expected to arrive via UPS an FedEx on Monday, at various times of the day. Those items then have to be put together, processed, and packaged to be sent out on Tuesday night's UPS flight.
R has only been at his new job for a few months, it is a highly demanding job, and taking time off is very difficult.
In order to make this appointment and still meet our other obligations, we would have to leave here very late monday night (around eight or nine p.m.) and grab a hotel room in Appleton for a few quick winks and get up early to drive the rest of the way to Milwaukee, or leave very early tuesday morning (around one or two a.m.) make our appointment, turn around and drive straight home and work all through the night and hopefully get the last few items completed and sent out overnight via UPS on Wednesday.
Either way, R would have to help me by coming home from work monday and working all night (until we meet the UPS plane and then leave for Wisconsin- the monday night option, or meet the plane, work some more and leave at one or two a.m. on tuesday) and take Tuesday off for the appointment, then, after we drive all the way back on Tuesday, work through the night with me and then go to work at his "real job" for eight a.m. on Wednesday.
My mom said she would come stay the night monday night with the dogs if we need her, and stay Tuesday in case we get late shipments in so that someone is here to get the packages.
I have no idea who sets these appointments, but come on whoever you are- we get the letter on saturday, have to be there on tuesday morning, and it is in MILWAUKEE WISCONSIN??????????
I have ranted, raved and cried. Which didn't change a thing, of course. I have no idea how to make this work. And I have no idea how to try to change the appointment either. I do NOT want this to get put off, not with the long waiting list and the forever-and-a-day time that it takes to process these applications.
But for crying out loud: MILWAUKEE WISCONSIN???? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???? on DECEMBER 19th?????
Is the Grinch processing our paperwork, or what?
Unfortunately not.
The appointment date is for Tuesday, December 19th. The place of the appointment? Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
We live in Michigan. Milwaukee, Wisconsin is easily a six and a half hour drive from here.
Tuesday December 19th is six days before Christmas. It is also one of the last days we have to ship out our Christmas orders from our business.
Due to some major problems with our vendors being backed up, we are behind as it is with our orders. We have easily 100 orders that need to be sent out on Tuesday.
The contents of those orders are expected to arrive via UPS an FedEx on Monday, at various times of the day. Those items then have to be put together, processed, and packaged to be sent out on Tuesday night's UPS flight.
R has only been at his new job for a few months, it is a highly demanding job, and taking time off is very difficult.
In order to make this appointment and still meet our other obligations, we would have to leave here very late monday night (around eight or nine p.m.) and grab a hotel room in Appleton for a few quick winks and get up early to drive the rest of the way to Milwaukee, or leave very early tuesday morning (around one or two a.m.) make our appointment, turn around and drive straight home and work all through the night and hopefully get the last few items completed and sent out overnight via UPS on Wednesday.
Either way, R would have to help me by coming home from work monday and working all night (until we meet the UPS plane and then leave for Wisconsin- the monday night option, or meet the plane, work some more and leave at one or two a.m. on tuesday) and take Tuesday off for the appointment, then, after we drive all the way back on Tuesday, work through the night with me and then go to work at his "real job" for eight a.m. on Wednesday.
My mom said she would come stay the night monday night with the dogs if we need her, and stay Tuesday in case we get late shipments in so that someone is here to get the packages.
I have no idea who sets these appointments, but come on whoever you are- we get the letter on saturday, have to be there on tuesday morning, and it is in MILWAUKEE WISCONSIN??????????
I have ranted, raved and cried. Which didn't change a thing, of course. I have no idea how to make this work. And I have no idea how to try to change the appointment either. I do NOT want this to get put off, not with the long waiting list and the forever-and-a-day time that it takes to process these applications.
But for crying out loud: MILWAUKEE WISCONSIN???? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???? on DECEMBER 19th?????
Is the Grinch processing our paperwork, or what?
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Agency Update
The recent update from our agency states that " We currently have 34 families matched with children waiting to travel, 112 families with CIS approval waiting for their referral and 152 families with applications approved working on their home studies and waiting for CIS approval."
I am soo depressed at this news. We are in the "152 families" category. I have no idea what position we are in that count, but I do not want to know. With my luck, we are #152 out of 152.
And I am betting that the number is going to grow, what with the recent changes in China adoption.
Today I feel like I am NEVER going to be a mom.
I am soo depressed at this news. We are in the "152 families" category. I have no idea what position we are in that count, but I do not want to know. With my luck, we are #152 out of 152.
And I am betting that the number is going to grow, what with the recent changes in China adoption.
Today I feel like I am NEVER going to be a mom.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I600A and Mario Brothers
In all my obsessive stressing over apologizing to Law Mommy about the "serial posting" I did on her comments, I forgot to post about the letter we received in the mail yesterday. Not the fingerprinting appointment we were waiting for, but a letter that did at least confirm that they received our application, provided us with a receipt for the fees, and informing us that we would receive our fingerprint appointment notification "shortly." The letter also had at the bottom of it a list of processing times for various applications and a "command" to not call or contact them in anyway UNLESS it was past the processing time quoted in the letter. According to the letter, it is taking 3 months for the processing of the I600-A at the Detroit office.
Silly as it sounds, I really wanted to jump up and down like a loonie loon over the letter, simply as it marks progress! However, our neighbor's little boy, P, was "visiting" while his mom took his baby sister to dance class, so I had to play it cool. After all, I opened it during a very important video game tutorial that demanded I pay close attention. Amazing how much six year olds know about video games! Sadly, I am a poor student, for I could not tell you one useful tip about Mario Brothers Lost in Time (er, I think that was the title!).
I also wanted to call R and tell him about the letter, but there was no time for that either, for after my tutorial about Mario Brothers, P decided we should look at our games (I bought R a Nintendo Game cube for Christmas last year, just for fun) and sort them based on their ratings. P was very serious about this project, as he wanted to make sure the games rated "E" were put in front of the cabinet and the games rated "T" pushed way in the back of the cabinet so that "he [meaning the baby] wouldn't get a hold of them and try to play them before he was old enough." P also said that he would help "him" learn to play the games, "cuz they can be very hard to learn for a little kid." P gets that we are adopting and is very excited about it, but is a little confused about the age of the baby we are adopting. I think he is hoping it is a boy just a little younger than him, so that he can play with him and be a "big brother" type. His mom and R and I have all tried to explain to him that the baby IS going to be a baby when he comes home, and it will be a long time before the baby will play even the "E" rated games, but P is undeterred by that information.
Soo...we sorted the games and talked about what games were good and what games were bad, and most importantly what games we did not have that we really really should get soon....in fact, we should email Santa and let him know we NEEDED those games.
Back to the letter from Homeland Security- I wonder what "shortly" means exactly?????
Silly as it sounds, I really wanted to jump up and down like a loonie loon over the letter, simply as it marks progress! However, our neighbor's little boy, P, was "visiting" while his mom took his baby sister to dance class, so I had to play it cool. After all, I opened it during a very important video game tutorial that demanded I pay close attention. Amazing how much six year olds know about video games! Sadly, I am a poor student, for I could not tell you one useful tip about Mario Brothers Lost in Time (er, I think that was the title!).
I also wanted to call R and tell him about the letter, but there was no time for that either, for after my tutorial about Mario Brothers, P decided we should look at our games (I bought R a Nintendo Game cube for Christmas last year, just for fun) and sort them based on their ratings. P was very serious about this project, as he wanted to make sure the games rated "E" were put in front of the cabinet and the games rated "T" pushed way in the back of the cabinet so that "he [meaning the baby] wouldn't get a hold of them and try to play them before he was old enough." P also said that he would help "him" learn to play the games, "cuz they can be very hard to learn for a little kid." P gets that we are adopting and is very excited about it, but is a little confused about the age of the baby we are adopting. I think he is hoping it is a boy just a little younger than him, so that he can play with him and be a "big brother" type. His mom and R and I have all tried to explain to him that the baby IS going to be a baby when he comes home, and it will be a long time before the baby will play even the "E" rated games, but P is undeterred by that information.
Soo...we sorted the games and talked about what games were good and what games were bad, and most importantly what games we did not have that we really really should get soon....in fact, we should email Santa and let him know we NEEDED those games.
Back to the letter from Homeland Security- I wonder what "shortly" means exactly?????
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