Adoption Conversation

Today was a difficult day at work. A conversation took place between myself and a new co-worker (who has no idea I have this blog, so I am pretty confident this won't be read by that person) that left me stunned, angry, and frustrated.

It is no secret that we are adopting, and my coworkers have been incredibly supportive and excited about the adoption. Two of them came into their families through adoption and have been wonderful about sharing their perspective on adoption and offering advice. Truthfully, I could not ask for better coworkers, or better friends. Because its not a secret, the new co-worker is aware that we are adopting, as well as aware of the fact that I will soon be leaving "the program" in order to oversee our home business and be a stay at home/work at home mom, when the day we bring the baby home finally comes.

Today, in an effort to make this new coworker feel comfortable as she transitions into her new position, we went to lunch together. During lunch, the conversation turned to general chit chat about our lives. Both of us were born and raised in the U.P. and had that in common. Not much else though, as it turned out. This was made glaringly apparent when the conversation turned to our adoption.

Comment 1: I think that oriental kids will be o.k. here, as most people here only dislike orientals because they don't speak English. You know "if they are going to live in this country, they should speak the language."
Comment 2: After all, its not like its a black kid.or a Hispanic kid. So it should be o.k.
Comment 3: That is why I don't believe in mixed race relationships. It is just wrong, and too hard on people.

My reponses? Initially, shocked silence, closely followed by silent outrage. Finally, I made some passively critical comments along the lines of :"I would hope that people would at this point in time be past that kind of Archie Bunker attitude" and "I am not niave, and I am aware that race is an issue and so is racism, but I don't believe that we should avoid the hard work of defeating racism and racist attitudes by "not believing" in non traditional, multi-racial, multi cultural couples and families because it might make some of us "uncomfortable."

As I write this, I find myself tired and frustrated by the whole experience. I wish I had better responses. I wish I was more prepared for the responses. I wish that I wasn't so niave that I did not expect those comments- that someone who took a career in social service -in working with at risk and homeless youth- would be the type of person who is more advanced in their thinking, more compassionate, and more embracing of those who are "other": be it other race, sexual orientation, or religion.

My last day at work is Friday, the 13th. I hope I can make it that long. We work at a satellite program of a larger program, which means there are only three workers: one full time (my position) and two part time positions. When there is tension/dislike/disrespect among any of the workers it can, and is, an unbearable situation.

And I am so ANGRY about the comments that were made! And ANGRY at myself for not handling it better. After all the reading I have done about multicultural, multiracial familes, adoption, etc....I still FAILED to handle it well.

Finally, I am horrified to think that anyone would read our decision to adopt from Vietnam as a decision based on vietnamese/asian children being "lighter" skinned and therefore "better" or at least "not as bad as" adopting an african, african-american, hispanic, or bi-racial child of "dark" skin.

And why do I have to justify, explain, or defend our choices anyway? Why do people think its their business to ask the questions they ask and make the assumptions they make? I am tired of the assumptions people make about our choice to adopt. Tired of the assumptions that it is because we can't have "our own" or "real children", assumptions that there is something wrong with my reproductive system (no one EVER assumes that there is something wrong with R's sperm): is our reproductive functioning, or lack of functioning any one's bloody business ??? [Include here the dental hygenist, sweet as pie, who causually asked "When did you find out you were infertile?"]

And then there are the assumptions that we don't care about the children in THIS country b/c we are adopting internationally...

And now we can add "choosing to adopt an asian child as its better than a hispanic child, or worse, an african or african american child" to the horrifying and anger-inducing assumptions I have encountered.

Clearly, I need to work more on how to respond to these unbelievably crass comments from people. I am sure, sad as it is to face it, that I will continue to encounter these statements or variations of these statements for the rest of my life.