R and I are officially on the wait list. Specifically, we are on the wait list for a single boy, 0-12 months (open to a girl), or 2 children: twins or sibling group, either gender, up to 36 months of age. This is in accordance to what was stated in our homestudy, although its not quite as clear as it should be. The 36 months of age "thing" was directly in relation to a sibling group that was not twins: if a sibling group was available, 36 months of age is our upper age limit for the oldest child.
It has been suggested to us that we consider expanding the age of a single referral from 0-12 months to 0-18 months. Now, you might ask me (and rightly so) why this would even be up for debate, given that we have allready said we are open to a sibling group with the oldest child being 36 months. And, (you all will love this) I do not have a good answer for that question. For some reason, I am wrestling with making this change in age range (yes, that rhymes, and no, I didn't do that on purpose).
I believe that part of my hesitancy is this: if we do expand from 0-12 months to 0-18 months, this might shorten our wait time for a referral of an infant boy. A good thing, right? (seriously, we all know how short on patience I have been lately) However, I can't help but wonder this: If we do not expand and stick with our 0-12 months for an infant boy, will it increase our chances for twins or a sibling group?
Not sure if that is clear, or logical, but then, welcome to the workings of my bizarre brain.
Of course, the related question to ask is this: are we ready, and able, to handle two children at once? Two children the same age (twins) or two children of different ages: an infant and a toddler? There are many reasons why we asked for approval for two children, and many reasons why we are asking to be considered for two. But, we do not have any children, this is our first "run out of the gate" so to speak- so we may be (ahem. you experienced parents are thinking "no may be about it, you are) unrealistic and idealistic about going from no children to two children.
I realize the chances of a referral of twins are slim to none, and the chances of a referral of a sibling group is practically non-existent. So this may be a futile discussion, but I am nothing if not optimistic (unrealistic?) so I would love to hear what you, dear reader, have to say about adopting two children at once (two related children, mind you. not two unrelated children. That is, I believe, an entirely different issue).
Truthfully, we will most likely be referred an infant boy. Our worker as much as said so to me on the phone the other day. Which is, of course, absolutely fine with us. So my second question is this, given that the most likely scenario is a referral of an infant boy, how much of a difference is it going to make to increase our age range from 0-12 months to 0-18 months? Are we making "Much Ado About Nothing"?
The floor is yours, my friends. Be honest, be frank, and tell me what you really think.
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9 comments:
first, *YEA*! your on the list!!!
As far as changing your age range, it's really a hard decision. And really only you and your husband can answer that. I and other can give you advice but you have to be honest with yourself. if it doesn't feel right, listen to yourself. The good thing is you don't have to decide right away, and you can always change your mind while your still on the waiting list.
When we started this journey I wanted to adopt a child between 2-4 years old, my husband wanted a infant. So, I went with my husband and said 0-12 month. After waiting a few months my husband said why not change to 0-18 months(with our agency knowing that if she were close to 2 when we traveled we would be okay), so we did. Now we have been DTV 7.5 months (today but, who's counting!!).
My husband wanted to request twins, I on the other hand said no way!!! We are first time parents, and I was very scared at the thought of 2 babies at once. However, I think that we would do okay with twins. I am a only child, so the thought of managing more than 1 child is a little different to me.
Now, with us being open to an "older" infant, I thought it would get us a referral faster but, it has not. Our agency director told me that most children available are over age 2 on very young infants, so expect a very young infant.
I know we will be matched with whatever age child that is supposed to be ours.
I would say, decide what is really impotant to you, if you have your hearts set on a very little one, than stick with it. But, if you are okay with someone a "little" bit older than make the change. You will know what is best for you.
Congrats on being on the list!!!
To be honest, I'm not sure extending your age range 6 months would make a huge difference in wait times. If you wanted a shorter wait I would imagine raising your range up to 24 months might make a difference though. Or if you would prefer a younger baby then I would just stick with 0-12 mos. (not trying to imply that I know what you want - obviously only YOU know what you prefer :)
As far as being 1st time parents and possibly bringing home twins or siblings my opinion would be this: Parenthood is HARD work. Yes, two would be even more work, but you're going to be tired & without sleep anyway, so if twins/siblings come available to you then I say go for it! :)
Even though twins and siblings may be rare, it is worth discussing ahead of time. Ya just never know what's in the cards. ;)
Kelly, I'm actually responding to your comment in my blog. We do sound pretty close to the same schedule. I think you are a couple months ahead of us, but who knows we could travel around the same time.
Maybe sometime, when we are visiting Kevin's dad and brother in the U.P., we can get together. Did you say you are in Gwinn or Ishpeming? I know you are near Marquette. I'm not quite sure how far those towns are actually from Marquette. But his family is about an hour away in Norway, Well better go. One more day of work this week and finally, it'll be the weekend. Is your regional office the one in Illinois?
Ready for a long response? Ultimately you know best what you want/feel comfortable with, so, yes, that has to be your decision; but here's some thoughts from the trenches: there is a large developmental difference between a 12 month old and an 18 month old. This, as you know, can (though it isn't a given that it will) make the adjustment and attachment process much more difficult for the child. Those issues aside, 18 months can be a very difficult age (though it can also be easy -- I've dealt with it both ways). Make sure you are prepared to unconditionally love a child who may enter your home and immediately begin wreaking "terrible two" havoc: climbing on tables, knocking over chairs, throwing huge tantrums, hitting you, etc.
Twins: I have a friend who, as a first-time-mom, gave birth to triplets. She is doing an amazing job and I am just in awe every time I see her. She has family close by and gets a lot of help and support, so I know that is a huge contributing factor. I think Prozac is another. One advantage you would have to parenting twins is that you won't have the months of pregnancy-induced sleep deprivation and the exhaustion of giving birth going into it, which makes things soooo much easier. On the other hand, if my first daughter had been a twin I would have died -literaly. She screamed constantly for about the first year and napped for only 20 minutes (twice a day), and she woke up several times a night. This went on until she was two. So it largely depends on the children themselves, and there is just no way to know ahead of time.
Sibling groups: I think this would be more difficult just because you are learning to deal with different developmental stages all at once. Again, if you got two really easy kids, it could be o.k. But you could get two of mine! LOL! I just think this would be the most difficult scenario -- lots of different needs, lots of differing attachment issues, etc. How ready are you to totally give of and give up yourself? But you know best if you have a really caring, reliable support system, your experience with different ages of children, etc. Good luck as you make these decisions.
I know we have already "talked" about this via email..but for others who might be dying to know my thoughts (ha, ha) here is part of that email..
As to the age thing..follow your heart. My thought is this..if you open yourself up to an older child (btw 18 months is definitely still a baby) and you are meant to have a younger child..you still will. I don't really know your religious leanings on this...but in my heart I know all the matches are a God thing. HE knows your child already....born or not. We are on the other extreme I guess b/c I am terrified we will get a really young baby. Annslee was 13 months old when we received her...perfect for us. Little babies...what the heck would I do???
Do what you think is best for you and your family. I am here for you to vent to...and of course when it is time to celebrate!!!
And..here is a Quotation I found..
"Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not waiting passively until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient, we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later, and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand."
--Henri J.M. Nouwen
Kelly...my agency coordinator just sent me this quotation...
"Don't lose heart, be patient, wait, do all you can to develop a spirit of compassion. I have no doubt that God is holding you by the hand; if he allows you to stumble, it is only to let you know that if he were not holding your hand, you would fall. This is how he gets you to take tighter hold of his hand"
St. Francis de Sales
When we were in the process of adopting Mya, we requested a child as young as possible. I never once thought she would be over one year old. I bought a ton of clothes which was big mistake. She was almost 20 months at referral. I was shocked and thought our agency had given us the wrong birth year. Of course I got over it as soon as I saw her picture. This time we are requesting a child 18 months - 3 years of age. I'm betting we'll get a referral for a 6 month old.
Whatever you decide you'll have no regrets I'm sure.
By the way, I drove through Gwinn this past week on my way to Ishpeming. I'll be back up there next week.
dawn (fellow yooper)
"...but in my heart I know all the matches are a God thing."
Picking and choosing WHAT you want to adopt is hardly a God thing.
Neither is paying thousands of dollars.
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors child" IS a God thing, but that's not something adopters can bear to hear.
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