Before I delve into my latest "deep thoughts" (ha, you laugh, but you may be surprised, every once and awhile I do have some deep thoughts!) I want to thank everyone for their wonderful, insightful, and helpful comments on my previous post concerning adopting two related children at one time. I find it tremendously helpful to hear your advice and thoughts- truthfully, I feel blessed to have connected with all of you in adoption blogger land.
Ok, ready for my "deep thoughts" of the week? Drum roll please..the topic of the week is attachment and adoption. A popular topic in adoption land, to be sure. We have all heard advice, read articles, read books, and chatted with others about how to encourage attachment in adopted children. Yet, what I worry about is something that isn't talked about much at all, and if it is, it is talked about in hushed tones: the feelings of unattachement that PAP's might feel upon finally arriving at that big day when their child is placed in their arms and is finally and truly and forever their child, only to discover that the happy ever after fantasy that they have nurtured and indulged for oh so many months is not turning into a hard and fast reality.
I am as guilty as anyone in that I don't like to think that anything other than the Disney fantasy I have constructed is even remotely possible. Surely all the longing, planning, decision making, and fanciful dreams of being the perfect mother of the perfect child in the perfect family can result in nothing less than a made for Hollywood ending: I will fall madly and instantly in love with our child, he will fall madly and instantly in love with me and we, along with R, will be the poster family for the wonderous miracle that is adoption. Surving the wait alone should be more than enough effort to gaurantee that ending!
A nagging voice in my head keeps me from jumping in to this fantasy with both feet: "ah kel, are you being realistic here? how can you be sure that being madly in love with the idea of this baby will automatically translate into being madly in love with the actual child? What about all the blogs you have read written by those few brave souls who dare to admit that they are not yet in love with their child, what about the blogs you have read about that horror of horrors- disruption? Don't you remember the night you stayed up until one a.m. (which reminds me, you really should question your tendency to be OCD sometimes) reading a blog by a woman who disrupted the adoption of her toddler daughter after being home six months? What about that?"
That nagging voice in my head (read: conscience, rational mind, anything but a real voice, cuz that would make me shizophrenic, which I can assure you, of the many things I am, I am not that) can be a real downer. Cruel, really, to drag me back from the precipice of my disney adoption fantasy.
So, the reality is this: it is possible, perhaps even likely, that I will not fall madly and deeply in love with our child upon first sight. It is possible that while I may love the idea of our child, It may take me awhile to love the actual child. It is also possible that I will have to "fake it until I make it"..that love is, as my theology professors are want to say, found and expressed by actions- not in feelings. I must (and I will, never fear) choose to love this child and have patience that the feelings will follow. But I suffer under no illusions that this process will feel good to me. If, by chance, the Disney fantasy does not evolve into a fast and hard reality, and I have to work at attaching/bonding with our baby, I suspect, and fearfully so, that it is going to be hard work. If, as they say, there is such a thing as "Post Adoption Blues", I had better prepare myself for experiencing it.
Yes, I know, I sound like Winnie-the-Pooh's gloom and doom buddy Eeyore ("looks like its gonna rain again"). On the other hand, if I pretend that I do not have these concerns and worries, how much harder is it going to be for me to talk about it if I do not have the Disney fantasy come true? And if I do not feel I can talk about it- out of shame, embarrasment, fear of ridicule by others - then I will be at further risk of despair by the simple fact that I have isolated myself by the very act of indulging in the disney fantasy so much that I have refused to consider there are other ways in which this "story" can go. If the dreadful "IT" occurs, I want to at least be able to talk about it with others- with all of you.
I have just finished reading Theresa Reid's book "Two Little Girls: a memoir of adoption." It is in part due to her candor about her struggle to attach to their second daughter adopted from Russia that has given me the "permission" to consider the possibility that I might struggle with attaching to our child. Indulge me for a moment and consider the following passage from Reid's narrative:
"I wonder: When will I care? When will I want to spend eternity with Lana as much as I do with Natalie? This is an extension of the question I have asked myself every night: When will I be compelled to go into her room and gaze in wonder at her sleeping form? When will I want to kneel by the side of her bed in the dark, drinking in her sweet warm smells, moving damp hair off of her face, kissing her precious flushed cheek?" [Reid, p258]
Reid, does, in the end, reach that point where she does fall deeply, madly in love with Lana. Near the end of her story, Reid muses:
" It is amazing, how the universe steered us toward this particular little girl- through a maze of baffling obstacles and our own human obtuseness and hesitation, steered us toward the perfect little girl for our family. It's enough to make a believer out of you." [Reid, p268]
The floor is now open for questions, comments, snide remarks.... Have you thought about the possiblity that your "happily ever after" might not come automatically? For those of you who have encountered some shape or form of "post-adoption-blues" and/ or struggled with not "falling madly, instantly in love with your child", how have you dealt with it? Have you felt safe talking about it with others? If any of you were to encounter difficulty in attaching with your child, would you feel safe to talk about it, or would you be too ashamed to admit that you did not have the Disney Fantasy Adoption that we all dream about?
Oh, and if you think I have gone completely off my rocker and have now entered into the land of the deranged OCD'er, say that as well. It won't hurt my feelings (much), although I can't garuantee that I wont obsess over the possibility that I am over-obsessing. ha.
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14 comments:
I don't think it's at all unsual to NOT love your child immediately. He/she is, after all, a total stranger. Yes, you may have stared at that face for months and started to get to know him/her in your mind, but the actual little person is a stranger. Of course you could also fall head over heels, too. Either way you will eventually come to love that child will all your heart and soul. Initial infatuation will eventually give way to true "mommy love". :) And it's wonderful!!
Sounds totally normal to me! I've had many of the same thoughts, and in my case am just leaving the whole thing in God's hands. I know this is the right course, I know the child I'm matched with is supposed to be my child, and I'm counting on my desire to parent and the baby's innate desire to be loved/cared for to take care of the rest.
I have no illusions that I'll instantly love her (I'd be surprised as heck if I do) but I'm certain that love will grow over time, and won't hesitate to post to that effect. Of course, I'm in the "my referral will never come" phase, so... :)
I think your feelings and concerns are well founded. Like Rachel said..you may get the fairy tale ending or you may not. I think a lot of people really fantasize about the "gotcha moment" and set themselves up for disappointment.
Ready for my true confession? When they brought NaNa out and handed her to us we looked at each other and honestly didn't think she was the right baby (her referral photos were of her at 6 mos and she was 13 mos when we met her) and on the bus going back to the hotel I looked around and thought "hmm...she isn't the cutest one" I know, I know...YUCK on me but it is the truth. She also wouldn't let me hold her the first three days..Dada only..and I am sure that led to me feeling sort of detatched from her. Let me assure you ..like you don't already know ... I am Madly, Crazy in LOVE with her now and have been since about day two with her. Now even in that "gotcha" moment as I was holding her I would have jumped in front of a bus for her..but I wasn't feeling like her Mama yet.
It is ok if you don't initially think WOW...this is IT!
(ps..if any of you tell Annslee this..I will deny it LOL)
I think it is normal for attachment to grow slowly and not to feel completely in love with the child at first glance. There are people who say that they looked at a photo and KNEW it was their childm and claim that they were instantly in love with the kid. I didn't have that experience and find it a bit difficult to embrace. I guess my brain just doesn't work that way. I'm beyond excited about my referral, and I can't wait to go get my son, but it's hard to form attachment to a photo. I'm currently in love with a concept, and one day I'll be in love with the reality and the child, but I seriously doubt that it will be an instant thing for me. Fair to call me conflicted. THANK YOU for bringing this up. I think it good for people to discuss.
Very good topic you bring up, and I have a million thoughts running through my head, mostly comparing my bonding experiences giving birth to my girls vs. adopting my son. Little secret: birth does not guarantee instant attachment either. Confession: when we were making the 4+ hour drive back from picking up Tank Boy at the airport (he was escorted home -- travel wasn't an option) he was scared and crying and I thought, "What have I done?" It was that feeling I get when I'm babysitting someone else's baby and the baby is upset and I can't figure out what to do because I'm not the mom and I don't know the kid like the back of my hand. I felt like his babysitter. But that passed pretty quickly. I truly believe that we love who and what we serve so, as moms, we do love our children, even if it takes some time, because we serve them so much, so entirely. The Disney fairy tale ending may not come the day the child is placed in our arms but, barring RAD-type issues, it will come. Tank Boy had only been with us a few weeks when I had a dream one night that he was taken away from us for some unknown reason, and I was hysterical. Woke up crying, I believe. That's when I knew I stopped feeling like his babysitter. Of course, he's now a two-year-old boy, so it's not exactly a fairy tale around here right now! LOL!
I have a Google Alert for Vietnam adoptions because I like to check in now and then just to see how things are going. That's how I came upon your blog. It made me smile. I remember wondering all of the same things and reading everything on adoption that I could. My older daughter is now 21 and my "baby" from Vietnam is almost 16. I tell you, the time flys!
One thing I learned....most of what I read was wrong :-)
My daughter from Vietnam is special needs and I was warned and warned about her probably not bonding to me. Couldn't have been farther from the truth. And yes, it was love at first sight and I am still madly in love with her. My older daughter, who "should" have bonded because of her wonderful early care, cried and cried and cried for her foster mother. Turned out she could talk at four and a half months of age, and was highly gifted. Still is...graduated from college with double degrees at age 20 with high honors, and that's just a part of her accomplishments. The girls are as different as night and day.
I worried myself sick over doing all of the "right" cultural things for them. Turns out they hated every minute of it and it's the one thing they hold against me. Like my older daughter says, "Mom, I am an American who happens to be in an Asian body. I feel no attachment at all to my birth country and never did."
They would both tell new adoptive moms to forget shoving their "cultural roots" down the adoptive childrens throats. :-)
Anyway, it's been a great adventure and I wouldn't have done it any other way :-)
Thanks for your blog and letting others take a look into your life.
Sincerely,
Linda Larson
linl2000@juno.com
I was one of those Moms that came home and thought "What have I done?" And of the Moms I know *personally* not a one of them didn't find themselves in the same boat. The baby's don't have what Kate described as an inate need to be loved. They never HAD love and they've done just fine without it. They don't want to be kissed or hugged, and they darn sure aren't gonna offer YOU any loving! It makes it hard to feel anything other than exhaustion. But it does get better.
I know a lot of Mommies spout the party line about instant love.. but I think that only happens on rare occasions just as it does in other kinds of relationships.
Just know that it will arrive. And you can call me any time to talk about what you are feeling.
Love,
Val
My point is not that these particular babies have been loved & therefore expect it - they don't. My point is that all human beings have a need to be loved, whether they recognize that or not, and that's particularly important with children (and with post-institutionalized children, one sometimes must help them understand that need, true, but that doesn't mean it's not there.)
I'll tell you this...the first few weeks can be very hard. So, don't be too hard on yourself. Its wonderful, because you get to finally be with the child. Its difficult because they are getting to know you, and you them. It takes time for attachment to occur on both sides. I fell so in love with our kids in the orphanage and once we got back to the apartment, they were different kids!! Like the commenters above said, it gets better.
These kids are very independent, so they have to get used to having a mother and a father. They've never had it, and they have no idea what it means. But, once you get to know each other, things really start to gel :)
It did occur to me that I wouldn't fall in love with Lana immediately, mostly because I didn't fall in love with Gabe (who I actually gave birth to, who is 'flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone' and all that jazz.)
And I didn't fall in love with Lana at first. But, I do love her a little more each day. She grows on me, and I can honestly tell you, that at 6 weeks out, I love this child as much as, if not more than, I loved Gabe when I had had him for six weeks. Possibly more since she lets me get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep most nights! (Which her brother didn't allow until he was over 2 years old!!)
hmmm...I did not exactly expect the Gerber baby; and when I got my child she was a very tiny toddler, very thin, buggy, scabies, wormy, green running nose, feverish, coughing, apathetic, silent, anemic, hair shorn off, with a crossed eye. She was also very afraid of me, the first tall blond white person she had ever seen, and the orphanage suggested I lure her into the cab with candy.
It might not have been love at first sight but I felt an overwhelming need to mother this child. After the long wait and all the problems, when I got that child I felt like if she had TB, or HIV, CP, or was mentaly retarded; it didn't matter we would get her home and deal with it. The third world is a cruel place for abandonded children.
The next morning she would not let me put her down and when the hotel staff asked her where her mommy was she pointed to me, then they asked her where her 'real" mommy was and she pointed to me. At that point I totaly lost my heart to her.
(No TB, HIV, CP, or MR and the eye can be fixed. After her horrible early life experience she never had any attachment issues. Her hair grew out and she can almost sit on it and she is very beautiful. A very happy, loving, confident child)
To me, the short version is this: parents and kids do not have a reciprocal relationship. We give. They take. A lot. New kids (adopted or bio) need to be really filled up with love for a long time before they're going to be giving back much. Our job is to give, and our reward is the satisfaction of doing it well. If eventually they do a good job of loving you back, that's icing on the cake.
Carla
Thank you for this really thought-provoking post. I find your commenets, and those of your readers, to be really reassuring...I think my Kid's adorable and cute and I SIMPLY CAN'T WAIT to meet her...but do I love her with a deep and consuming passion yet? I think that'll come after we meet.
I hope it's OK; I linked to it from my blog.
Awesome discussion topic! I can say honestly that I fantasized about the initial "gotcha moment," and how perfect it was going to be. But the second my son's nanny thrust him into my arms, I knew it wasn't going to be as easy as in my dreams. He was squirmy, difficult to hold, his skin was peeling off and had scabies bite all over, he was floppy and just generally difficult to hold. You can watch the video of it on my blog and see for yourself - not a picture perfect mommy moment. I handed him off to my husband pretty quickly b/c I felt so incompetent with all Jackson's caregivers' eyes on me!
About 20 minutes later though, we had an incredible moment when he just gave in to me and let me rock him. I'll post that video this week (was actually going to anyway!). There was chaos everywhere, but he just stared in my eyes and I wept.
The next few days were a honey-moon. He was easy and peaceful, and got more beautiful by the day (as he was exposed to the sun!)! He was just in shock though, and after the honeymoon was the real test.
I do agree that you have to WANT to love your child, and be deeply committed to that until the true bond is really there. I've never been a parent before, so I honestly thought, "wow, I guess this is just the way it feels." About 1 month later, I realized my love for Jackson has been growing by leaps and bounds each and every day. It really is a "process."
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