I wanted to get on tonight and blog about all the highs and (many) lows of our days with Hoss and Little Joe. I especially wanted input and advice from those of you who have kids at home about some of the issues we are having. Truthfully, it is hard to know what is abuse/neglect related, what is developmental delay related (which is also, probably, caused by the abuse/neglect) and what is typical toddler boy behavior.
but I am so freakin tired I am crying.
hang in there with me, my friends. Maybe tomorrow will be easier. Or maybe I will drink more coffee. or Pepsi. anything it takes to write a proper blog entry.
I have Hoss' case worker coming tomorrow so we can get a behavioral assessment set up and start getting a plan in place to help him (and us) have a happier, "nuclear meltdown marathon" free life.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
it has to get better, right?
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13 comments:
{{{{HUGS}}}} I hope things look up soon. I know you want so badly to do everything right and it is so hard to know why they are behaving like they are. Just know..the main thing is Love them and make them feel safe. They have been shuffled around so much and they probably act out b/c they don't trust anyone.
Email me..I think I have your address wrong : ( I know you sent me the correct one but my mommy brain must have deleted it accidently...grrrr...
Oh, I'm so sorry. To answer your title question -- yes, and that's just from one fussy 10-month old adoptee. I truly can't imagine what you're working through. I'm afraid I don't have any other advice to offer, just "electronic support" which I give wholeheartedly.
Sorry it is being so hard. Here are some things I found out along the way.
I think children who have been through a lot like these children need predictability, sameness, and dependability, in their lives.
Anyone who has been through attachment problems know love is not enough, though you do need tons of love, empathy, and understanding. Be firm and fair, don't lose your temper (near impossible sometimes)
Try and get up the same time every morning, eat the same time, have them "help" set up and clear off. Try and do the same things every day. For example have a bedtime ritual; bath time, freezy pops in the tub and bath toys, then dry off and get lotion and powdered, teeth brushed, and bed time story, sing a bed time song, night light, and prayers. Then off to bed. They need to know what is going to happen every day. Change is very upsetting to them.
Before you do something such as visit grand ma tell them about the visit and the way you want them to act. Praise and reward good behavior. Make a few rules such as no hitting and then faithfuly catch them up every time.
Avoid situations where there is a lot going on like visiting, stores, parties, playdates. It gets them over stimulated and they lose it.
Punishment is usually time out. One minute for every year old they are. The Super Nanny/Nanny 911 show shows this technique perfectly. Make desired behavior very clear ahead of time. Get on their eye level and explain what they did wrong. After they put in their time have them say sorry and then all hug.
Some adopted kids get very hysterical if they can't see you so put the naughty chair in the same room you are in if it is a problem.
I think my little girl needed to be held 24/7 and I needed to be in site for months.
Some times they are not very loveable and you have a hard time even liking them. Fake it to make it even if it takes months.
Try charts and stickers. There are 2 types. Stickers for chores such as brush teeth, put shoes away. And there are also "Been caught being Good" type charts. Every time you catch good behavior put a sticker on the chart. When a certain number of stickers are achieved pick a good reward for them to work towards.
I hope that things get easier for you all. I will keep you guys in my prayers.
I hope that things do get easier for you & the boys. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Hopefully the assessment tomorrow helps.
I have been so tired I've cried many, many times. It is part of parenthood, but I'm sure it is more difficult in your situation. I think anonymous had a lot of good advice. A lot. Especially aobut the predictability factor. Kids really need that, even under the best of circumstances. Hang in there.
I am so sorry things are rough for you right now. exhaustion is tough. I think consistency is key...Applied behaviour analysis works well for these kinds of situations. It is exhausting but you have to be 100% consistent...which is why it makes sense to have as few rules as possible and do your best to enforce those rules consistnely. Sorry for typos, I am in a rush...
Anyway, I hope you are able to get some rest somehow! You are doing a wonderful thing, so hang in there. I am praying for you here!
Unfortunately, yes, I have been so tired that I cried. Many, many times. (Once, in the associate dean of my law school's office, when my son hadn't slept in months and my law review paper had gotten rejected. THAT was embarrassing. Wow.)
The exhaustion is the worst part of parenthood, truly it is, and I think it is something we don't talk about much.
You have gone from being an expectant parent to being a foster parent to TWO children, essentially overnight. And it's not like you were handed two healthy infants - you have two older children with special needs. That has to be incredibly overwhelming.
I'm sending you cyber-support and positive thoughts and advice to lay down and sleep at each and every opportunity that presents itself.
Gretchen
You have a very long post full of wonderful suggestions. Predictability, structure, sameness is one of the keys. As a parent and a therapist for children who have been severely abused and neglected and attachment issues; the other issue is what do you do to stay regulated (behaviorally, emotionally, etc). I.E. what calms you down? For me music works, so I find a song I like and sing it; while I hold my screaming 2 year old. I breathe deep and sing and eventually he calms down. The song is not to calm him (though it often does) but to help me stay calm and keep my "emotional head" together. Other parents I have worked with use, pacing/walking, positive self talk, deep breathing, etc. Basically, what can you do to keep yourself sane whil dealing with these challenging behaviors. The kids will feel the calmness...they will!
Hi Kelly! You were in my thoughts today and I said a quick prayer that you and your foster children are doing better. I can only imagine how exhausting and stressful it has been for you. I pray you are doing well.
Blog please, I'm worried about you!
Kelly, play with me I tagged you :)
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