Surprise!

For those of you who have been following this blog from its inception (not sure anyone is left, what with my woefully inadeqaute blogging skills this past year), the expectation was that our first child would be adopted from Vietnam.

As we know, that is not going to happen.

When we fell into the crazy world of foster care, the thought was that we would adopt through the foster care system....

then we had to make the very difficult decision to not adopt Hoss and Little Joe. Hoss and Little Joe were with us for almost seven months. They were moved to a tribal foster home in January.

Porkchop came into our care in November at two and a half months of age. We accepted his placement as the expectation was that his parental rights would be terminated and we would be able to adopt him.

Long story that I can't get into (and makes me sick to my stomach, truthfully), but Porkchop's biomom has found a new boyfriend (21 years her senior) who has moved in with her along with his daugther and biomom is doing everything that she has been asked to do to have Porkchop returned to her. The expectation is that Porkchop will reunify with biomom within the next few months. It's a nightmare for a number of reasons I can't talk about, but the system is the system and it doesn't matter what I or the caseworker or the other service providers personally believe about her ability to parent him, what matters is she is meeting the laws requirements to have him returned to her.

As we have struggled to come to grips with the reality that Porkchop (barring anything major happening with his case) will be reunified with his biomom, we had a completely shocking turn of events in our own private lives.

Is everyone sitting down? Take a deep breath now, my friends....

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!

(Trust me, I took four pregnancy tests and even insisted on a blood test---- I am most certainly pregnant)

So now we are in a quandry as to what to do about Porkchop (I am soo exhausted, morning sickness is kicking my ass, and we financially can't afford to continue buying his formula and taking him every other week to the children's hospital for testing, not to mention he does not sleep through the night yet...let's just say we love that little boy with all our heart but he has a lot of needs and I am struggling to meet them at this point and still take care of myself) and what to do about our adoptive homestudy (which is, save for the physicals, all set to mail out to various caseworkers across the country who are trying to place children that we are interested in) ......

We are truly floored (and thrilled) to be having a baby biologically......but I am having a hard time letting go of our adoption plans and with taking care of a baby I love dearly who I know is going home to his biomom.......its really making it almost impossible to "enjoy" this unexpected pregnancy........

how does one balance all of this and make the right decisions? How in the world do I figure out what is most important to take care of and figure out what to let go of and what to keep trying to do?

Now I know that many women become pregnant while parenting young infants and toddlers and manage it just fine. And if Porkchop was ours, we would figure it all out. But he isn't our child, he is a foster child, and dealing with the system is difficult and exhausting...we have visitation schedules, home visits, service providers, we have to pay for a lot of things out of our own pocket that we are not reimbursed for or only partly reimbursed for......biomom only has to show up and play with him for a few hours, but we have to buy his formula (after WIC it still costs us 250 dollars a month) take him to see the GI specialist at a hospital that is ten hours a way and requires a three day trip (which we pay for out of pocket)...we have had two such trips in the last three weeks and another one coming up soon and more to follow......we hold him up at night so he can breathe easier and so his reflux problems are minimized.....

we love him and we want to do these things for him. we really do.

But can we keep doing it?

I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to enjoy getting ready for this baby we are having. I want to SLEEP......

I am at this point unable to do that as I am wrapped up in Porkchop's care and all those things that are involved in his "case." I deal with a sick crying baby for hours after every visit. A baby who doesnt' sleep well, who doesn't sleep for long when he does sleep, a baby that I would do anthing for and really have no right to make any decisions whatsover about his needs and his care because I am JUST A FOSTER MOM.

We have the option of having Porkchop moved to a new foster home while the courts work out his reunification.

There is a part of me that really wants to take that option, grieve the loss of our little porkchop, and then focus my time,energy, and attention on the pregnancy and our baby to be.

There is another part of me that can't bear the idea of having him moved for any reason and who wants to cling to the slim possibility that maybe something will fall apart for biomom and he will get to stay forever.....

The truth is he can be in foster care for up to 22 months before they have to make a definite move towards termination.

The truth is his biomom really is doing all that they ask of her (never mind that what they are asking is so ridiculously little it would make you sick) .

The truth is no matter what we do, he is going back to a horrible situation where he is going to get at best minimal care.

So, what do we do?

Maybe I am just so freaking exhausted right now and can't think straight and once this first trimester is over I will be more clear headed.

But, selfishly, I really do not want to have the memory of our first (and probably only) pregnancy and birth child to be one overwhelmed with the grief and loss of Porkchop.

BUT..how selfish is it to put Porkchop through another move?

Then again, how horrible is it that this system is not able to protect him and give him a good life?

I keep reminding myself that I didnt' put this darling baby in this situation..his biomom did..and it is the broken messed up system that is going to send him back to a horrible situation.

I hate that I can't protect him.

So, what do I DO????

IM PREGNANT!!!! .its great wonderful terrific news.....why doesn't it FEEL like it?