Back to our regularly scheduled program

Slowly, very slowly, I am slogging my way through the grief process and trying to resurrect something that resembles my "normal" life. I do, sadly, have one more funeral to attend this week (the 16 year old son of a friend and fellow board member of our local community group passed away the other day), but I am so numb at this point to loss that it has wierdly become a "normal" thing to attend funerals lately. Not that I do not feel sadness for each of these losses; more so that they have all swirled together into one gigantic event so that it is hard to differentiate who I am mourning at any given daily experience of grief. Sometimes it is my own grief over the immediate losses (Fran and Jim); other times it is my grief for friends who have lost (D, J, and now K in the loss of her son/N in the loss of her older brother).

Anyway, as the post title says "Back to our regularly scheduled program." In my attempt to "fake it till you make it" in regards to a normal life, I have, finally, after a few months of ignoring the project all together, tackled the baby's room. My wonderful niece, A, stayed over recently and we spent the day putting the room together (earlier A's younger brother, also an "A" name, put the crib together, but that was the sum total of what I have done in the room since we moved here). There are still a few things left to be done - hang the pictures on the wall, for example- but for the most part it is looking pretty darn good.

The problem I have encountered is this- the new room is much larger than the room we had in our previous home. Hence, we have a lot more open space. Now, one could argue that open space is nice and does not demand that we fill it up with more stuff. However, I have a compulsive need to fill up open space, so I find myself thinking of things we do not have in that room that we might could NEED in that room, now that we have more space.

I have come up with 2 things that I have convinced myself that are must haves for the baby's room:

1. toy box (now we have a cheapo wooden toy box in there right now, but it must go. for one thing, it is ugly. for another thing, well, it is ugly)

2. book case

I am wavering between purchasing a sturdy plastic "Little Tykes" style toy box (say Thomas the Tank Engine, or something along those lines- primary colors to match the "moon doggie" crib bedding set and accessories we allready have), or a classic wooden toy box painted primary colors to match the rest of the room.

As for the bookcase, I am debating between a classic wooden bookcase painted primary colors (again, to match the rest of the room), or one of those wooden/canvas type book holders (commonly seen in preschool class rooms).

So, my question to those of you out there with much better decorating skills than I is this: what have you used for toy storage and book storage in your baby (ies) rooms?

Sad News

I had hoped that after my last post, I would come back to my blog with adoption related "good news" to report: moving up on the referral list, say, or at the very least news that new referrals are expected soon. Unfortunately, I have no such news to share.

It is with great sadness that I come to you, my readers, requesting further prayers and well wishes for my friend J, whose mother in law passed away Saturday afternoon, and my best friend, D, whose mother lost her battle with cancer Saturday evening.

J's mother-in-law's funeral will be out of state, but I will be attending D's mother's funeral this afternoon.

While both J and D are very dear friends of mine; D is especially close to my heart. D and I have been friends for many years now, having met while we were both students at the local university. Our friendship remained strong despite my move to Alabama, and her more recent move to Texas to work on her Ph.D. D was there for me in many big ways when my father lost his own battle against cancer in August of 2004- graciously staying at my parents' home to take care of their cat and my two dogs so that I could be at the hospital during my father's last days.

I am heartbroken for D; I will never forget her phone call a few weeks ago when she told me that the cancer was back and her mother had only a few weeks to live. "I thought I understood what you were going through when your dad died, but I had no idea. I never wanted to be a member of this club with you"

Oh D, honey, I never wanted you to be a member of this club either. I hope that someday you will find comfort in the knowledge that you were, and are, an amazing daugther and an extraordinary young woman that your mother, indeed both of your parents, found great pleasure and comfort in you. I cannot take your pain away, but I can, and will, walk beside you in this most difficult journey of grief and loss.

Yet Even at the Grave We Make Our Song: Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia

This has been an devastating time for us and for our faith community. On Thursday, May 31st, our dear friend and the matriarch of our congregation, 91 year old Fran, died from a head injury resulting from a fall at her home. Darling Fran, everyone one who met you loved and admired you. Your strength, your faith, your poets soul- I will never forget you. One of the greatest honors of my life was to be a pallbearer at your funeral. Did you hear the bagpiper on that day? Amazing Grace, indeed.

On Sunday, June 3rd, our little congregation held a special service in honor of Fran and her many years of service to the Church. We were all hurting, but managed to find in our grief an equal level of joy for the gift and blessing that Fran was to all of us.

That afternoon we received a phone call that drove us to our knees, literally and figuratively. Our beloved friend, missioner, and the Bishop of Northern Michigan, Jim Kelsey, was driving home from a congregational visit in the eastern U.P. and was killed in a terrible car accident.

Words cannot express the depth and width of the grief that engulfs Jim's family, friends, and colleagues in the Episcopal Church- both within this diocese, across the nation, and in the world-wide Anglican Communion.

"The Episcopal Church has today lost one of its bright lights," Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori said. "We will be less without the easy grace of Bishop James Kelsey -- Jim to most of us -- and we shall miss his humor, insight, and passion for the ministry of all. He gave us much. We pray for the repose of his soul, and for his family. We pray also for the Diocese of Northern Michigan. All of us have lost a friend. May he rest in peace and rise in glory."

I encourage you to take a few minutes to read the following article by Episcopal Life Online reporter Herb Gunn, "The heart of ministry: the life and death of Jim Kelsey" :http://www.episcopalchurch.org/79901_86722_ENG_HTM.htm

God's peace, Jim. We have been so richly blessed to know and love you. My heart is broken: to me, you were a father, a brother, a spiritual advisor, a friend, and a teacher. Your memorial was such a celebration of your life and ministry! Even though, as Fran said, we carry on with broken hearts, we hold within our hearts and our memories your extraordinary example of faithfulness, unconditional love, and passion for justice. Do you know how many people gathered together to celebrate your life? Each and everyone of them adore you and aspire to live as faithfully and lovingly as you did with such "easy grace."

*above photos are: 1. Jim with his darling puppy, Juniper. photo is credited to Brother Jacob: http://brotherjacob.wordpress.com/2007/06/04/bishop-jim-kelsey/ 2. Jim and myself signing a document, the day Jim brought the Franscican brothers to our house to spend time with our congregation's ministry support team. 2. our beloved Fran sitting on our couch with one of the brothers. 3. Jim Kelsey and the Franciscans posing for a photo in our living room.

A's Graduation

My niece, A, graduated high school last night. I can hardly believe this is possible, wasn't it only yesterday that I, myself, was at the very same high school, telling everyone about her birth? Surely it wasn't that long ago that she and her kindergarten class, all decked out in halloween costumes, made their way through my high school math class, eyes as big as saucers, seeing all the 'big kids' and grinning like a cheshire cat when I handed her a few pieces of candy when she came by my desk. So how was it that last night I found my self sitting in *my* high school, watching her receive her diploma?

A was *my* first baby; I was fifteen when she was born. She was the lucky one who was the test baby for me- with A I learned how wonderful babies are, what joy there is in watching a baby learn to talk, walk, and sing Barney songs (well, ok, I am not all that fond of Barney songs, but still, she was cute when she would sing the "I love you" song at the end of the Barney show, bursting into tears and waving at the screen "bye bye Barney!"). And what a little social butterfly she was! Everyone she met was a friend; inviting complete strangers to come to her house for coffee. My friend, J, never tires of telling the story of the time she and I went to see my sister and A and, upon getting out of the car, three year old A came running out of the house shouting: "Jen, I Love your Hair! Who does it?"

So many wonderful memories. A beautiful, gregarious, charming little girl has become a beautiful, gregarious, charming woman. The little girl who used to sing and dance to Barney became the young girl who cheered for her (and mine, and her mother's, and her father's-talk about life in a small town) high school; this fall she will be a cheerleader at the university. From Barney to the Junior Patriots to the WHS Patriots, to the NMU Wildcats.

Truth be told, I hated cheerleaders when I was in school. I have A to thank for knocking down my "cheerleader prejudice" and showing me that not all cheerleaders are snobby you-know-whats, and that cheerleading is a real sport.

A had her graduation party last weekend, and I could not get over how grown up she has become. Still the social butterfly, she greeted everyone who came to the door, her infectious laugh filling the room as she and her friends teased each other and made plans for the big FUTURE....no, not the rest of their lives, but the more important things- whose party is when, who is going with who, and the all important "are you going to the all night graduation party after graduation thursday night?"

The only difficult part of A's party was running into old classmates of mine who showed up with their babies and toddlers and elementary school kids in tow. Ouch. Jealousy reared its ugly head, threatening to turn on the tears when one of A's guests arrived with her twin 7 month old baby boys.

I came very close to ruining A's party by grabbing those twin boys and running for the Canadian border!

Still, baby blues aside, it was a great party for a great kid...er woman.

Happy Graduation BeeBoo! I hope that when your uncle and I finally bring our baby (ies?) home, you will have time in your busy new life as a college student to spend time with us....I want so much for my children to experience the joy and happiness that you bring to this world.

Slash: How my favorite TV show is quite possibly ruined for me forever

It is no secret to my family and friends that I am a huge West Wing fan. When West Wing was still on the air and I was in a graduate psychology program (that was cancelled, btw, before I finished, bad bad bad university), my cousin Becky and I would IM each other the countdown to WWW-West Wing Wednesday. Silly, to be sure, but our classes that semester were unbearably boring. The show, on the other hand, was smart, engaging, moving, and downright clever.

After I moved to Alabama to be with R, I had Wednesday night classes every week, so I missed seeing the latter half of season 6 and allmost all of season 7. Luckily, all seven seasons are on DVD and I have, in an uncharacteristic dive into frivilous consumerism, bought the whole series (across this past year of course, because buying 7 sets of DVDs at almost 50 bucks a pop is beyond the capacity of my wallet).

And, yes, for those of you who are wondering- my frustration over the slow pace of our adoption has me beating a fast retreat into fantasy land- so West Wing is my current "coping" mechanism, or, rather, my way to obsess about something other than the wait.

I am currently waiting for season 7 to arrive (hooray for Ebay!) and just finished watching the last episode of season 6 the other night. As with any addiction, withdrawal has been horrible- due, in part, to the depressing reality that I currently have no life and am in desperate need of a distraction (see above paragraph).

A reasonable person (well, ok a less deranged, more rational thinking person than I) would simply pop in one of the already watched DVD's from previous seasons, watch his/her personal favorite episodes, and keep an eye out for the postal worker delivering the mail.

I am not that person. I have some kind of anal retentive need to watch the shows in order, and so I am trapped in withdrawal by my own peculiarities.

Here is where the whole West Wing obsession gets bizarre (or, if you prefer, even more bizzarre): Having no idea when the season 7 DVD set is going to arrive, and being stuck in this godforsaken U.P wilderness with its 30 degree temperatures and overcast skies, I decided to cruise the internet for West Wing fan sites.

I discovered West Wing Fan Fiction.

Wow. There are people out there who write stories about the characters on West Wing. In some cases very complex, very long stories- for instance, one story had 17 chapters!

Intriguing. A little bizzarre, but intriguing.

I decide, in light of drizzling rain, 30 degree temperature, and no sign of the mail person, that, what the heck, why not waste a little time and read some of these stories.

I should have read the FAQ first. Particularly the definitions for "Slash" and "AU" stories.

Especially the definition for "Slash" stories.

I clicked on a story that featured President Josiah Bartlett (my personal fav), Leo McGarry (Chief of Staff, another fav character of mine), CJ Craig (White House secretary), and Toby Ziegler (Communications Director). With this particular cast of characters, I expected at best a pretty good drama involving some type of political dilemma (assuming the writer can, actually, write) or, at worst, a poorly worded, sloppy re-write of one of the episodes from the series.

I begin reading. And discover neither of my assumptions are correct.

Three paragraphs into the story and I am thinking....

Oh. my.

One page into the story and I am horrified......

OH NO.....NO NO NO NO NO...... that is SO NOT PRESIDENTIAL BEHAVIOR.

Barlett and Leo? CJ and Barlett and Leo? Toby and CJ and Bartett and Leo?

In the White House?

In the OVAL OFFICE?

ON the PRESIDENTIAL SEAL CARPET?

WITH NO CLOTHES ON?

After reading one and a half pages, I am in a state of shock. and disgust. I exit the website, stare in horror at the monitor, and then, shut down the whole computer.

It is quite possible that I may never be able to watch West Wing again. At the very least, I will have to ban all episodes involving Josiah Bartlett, Leo, CJ, and Toby having a scene together in the Oval Office in which the presidential seal carpet is shown on camera.

Yeah, that pretty much means I can't watch any episodes ever again.

I need a new favorite show. Something safe, like "Family Affair" or "The Waltons."

Surely people wouldn't write "slash" fan fiction about Buffy, Jody, and Mrs Beasely.

Would they?

Conversations with a 4 Year Old- aka I am so ready to be a mom

Last evening R and I met some friends and their 4 year old granddaughter, B, for dinner. B brought along all of her my little ponies and I had a blast coloring with her and helping her "feed" the ponies some of the carrot sticks that came with B's chicken strip meal. After dinner was over, B stated that she "really truly wished she could sleep over our house tonight." Of course, we all know that her wish to sleep over would come to an abrupt end about twenty minutes after she came to our house (she is, after all, 4), so her grandmother and I tried to both acknowledge her wish and convince her that it was really better if she slept at Grandma and Boppa's house, and that we would set a date later in the summer for her to come spend the day here with me.

B was having none of it. For one, she was very tired and therefore in a stubborn, yet whiney, mood. Also, she is very precocious and countered everyone of our "arguments" with a very endearing, eye lash batting, head ducking into my shoulder (I was carrying her at this point) sweet voiced little refrain: "Oh, but if I don't sleep over tonight, I will never not ever have a chance again, and that would make me so very sad."

So, we arrived at a compromise. B would ride to our house with us, and Grandma and Grandpa would come pick her up in a little while, and we would make plans to have a super duper sleep over at our house this summer, with a princess tent thrown in for good measure (I am a sucker for the eyelash batting routine). So, we moved the booster seat to our car, grabbed the backpack with all the little ponies in it, and headed to our house.

B dearly loves Ben and Bogey, and so we spent the first five minutes or so talking about the dogs and watching them tear around the house in wild abandon- so thrilled they were to have someone new in their house.

Then, B found the baby's room (still not put together after the move, but that is another post) and, to her great delight, discovered the big red fire engine pedal car tucked into the corner. With its flashing red light and loud silver bell it is simply irresitable to B. So, Bailey climbs in, we wheel it out into the hallway, and R "helps" (i.e. pushes) B drive it down the hallway into the living room.

We then spent about twenty minutes playing "Fire Engine"......we fixed 10 flat tires (using a basting syringe as a tire pump), checked the oil 5 or six times (using a the broken end of a wooden spoon as a dipstick), and filled the gas tank 12 times (using the basting syringe as a gas pump). We also saved six kitties stranded in high trees using the ladders and put out two fires. Oh, and we also brought the little Red Ryder ride-on fire engine (designed for two year olds) to use as a back up fire truck for the ponies to ride on, so that we could still help people while the big engine was "gettin fixed."

Sure enough, about twenty minutes into the visit, B says rather nonchalantly "I wonder when Grandma and Boppa are coming."

So, I sneak away and call my friends and tell them B is asking for them, and if they really loved me they would come to get her before we hit the crying stage.

Grandma and Boppa arrive about five minutes later (they live just down the street from me) and B spent a few minutes showing off the fire engine and, as she left with them, demanded that we make sure to check the tires and the oil and the gas tank so that when she comes back to play the fire engine is ready to go.

As I was playing with B, watching her "ride" the fire engine and save the stranded kitties in the trees, I couldn't help but wonder if someday we would be watching our own little guy playing so happily with the fire engine, a basting syringe, a broken wooden spoon "dipstick", and little wooden ladders perfect for saving kitties stuck in trees.

Watch, my kid will hate fire engines and will turn the wooden dipstick into a toy gun. which he will use to shoot chippies and other random animals hiding in trees.

I don't care. I am just so ready to be a mom.

Wierdology

KelleyO tagged me with this one......Enjoy!

FOODOLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice? Catalina French

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? tough call, i am not a big fan of fast food. McDonald's, I guess.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Toss up between Red Lobster and Olive Garden

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 20%

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? I dont think there is any food I could eat everyday for two weeks.

What is your favorite type of gum? BlackJack

TECHNOLOGY
What is your wallpaper on your computer? A picture of Martin Sheen in the Cathedral from the West Wing episode "Two Cathedrals"

How many televisions are in your house? 2

BIOLOGYQ.

What’s your best feature? eyes (or so I have been told)

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? um, yeah, the usual stuff: tonsils, adenoids

Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? I have no earthly idea.

When was the last time you had a cavity? oh I bet I have one right now.

What is the heaviest item you lifted last? Coffee Table

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? yup. car accident in Gettysburg, PA. Car flipped and landed right on the battle field. moral of the story: beware of 88 year old women driving 70's era cadillacs.

BULLSHITOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? nope.

Is love for real? I believe so.

If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I like my name

What color do you think looks best on you? Blue

Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? a rogue mosquito. blech!

Have you ever saved someone’s life? In what way? I've called 911 a couple of times for someone. not sure if that even comes close to saving anyone.

Has someone ever saved yours? The doctor who realized I had a raging staff infection in my knee (post-op) and called in the surgeons on a Sunday night. Definitely saved my life, not to mention my leg.

DAREOLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? Maybe. Can I have a few shots of hard liqour first?

Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? yeah, probably.

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? Not in this lifetime

Would you never blog again for $50,000? I'd seriously consider it.

Would you pose nude in a magazine for $250,000? No

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000? Yes. especially if there is a few hundred glasses of water standing ready.

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? Wouldn't even consider it.

Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Nope

Give up MySpace forever for $30,000? Sure thing.

DUMBOLOGYQ:What is in your left pocket? dog treats

Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? Never watched it

Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house? carpet

Do you sit or stand in the shower? Stand

Could you live with roommates? Not happily

How many pairs of flip-flops do you own? None. uck.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Pulled over for having a headlight out a few months ago.

What do you want to be when you grow up? who said I planned on growing up?

Last friend you talked to? Fran

Last person you called? R

RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning? No where. unless the bathroom counts. ha.

What can you not wait to do? Receive our referral

What’s the last movie you saw? The Queen

Are you a friendly person? Usually.

Hmm...who to tag? I pick Kathryn at Journey to Our Child, Laura at Ladybugs and Dragonflies, and Kate at The Cracked Pot

The Week in Review

I realize I have not posted in ages, and I apologize if that has annoyed anybody. Truth is, there is no adoption news to report, and since this is an adoption focused blog I sometimes have to scramble to find something to talk about. I believe we are now number 55 on the list (rumors are that there were four referrals recently, three boys and one girl, although I have not officially received an update from our regional rep), and someone recently posted on our agency yahoo list that they are number 54 and have been asked to put their dossier together- however I do not know if they are number 54 on the overal list of 159 or 54 on the list for a boy, or 54 on the list for a girl, so I do not have my hopes up in terms of being asked to put our dossier together. I probably should contact our homestudy agency to schedule an update sometime soon (we recently moved, so we need to amend the homestudy to state that), however we are trying to put that off as long as we can so as to get as much "mileage" out of the updated homestudy as possible. We really do not want to have to do yet another update down the road if we dont' have to, for obvious reasons: it is expensive. If we can schedule it for sometime in August, then we will be near our one year mark for our homestudy (we had our original homestudy done in September of last year) and should be o.k. if the timeline our agency has given us holds true.

In other news, this last week/10 days have been filled with drama and adventure! Let's see, where to start.....hmmm....anyone up for a good Bogey story? Kate, you will appreciate this one, since your Piper is also a scottie.

Bogey's Grand Adventure

Last Wednesday morning, I let Ben and Bogey outside in the backyard to run around and chase that horrible chipmunk that insists on teasing them- hoping, in vain, that by letting them outside I would get a few minutes peace and quiet to check email without a cacophany of barking and whining from the boys as they sit in the window and voice their protest over the chippie's presence in their yard. It worked like a charm, for about ten minutes. Then, Ben decided he had had enough of the fruitless hunt and wanted back in. I let Ben in and tried to convince Bogey to come back in as well- however he was still hot on the trail of the chippie and refused to give up the chase.

I learned a long time ago that you can't outstubborn a scottie- they are going to do what they want to do when they want to do it, thank you very much. So, I left him outside and decided to tackle the distasteful task of laundry. While I was in the back room gathering up the dirty clothes, Ben began barking his little head off in the living room- it was his "alarm" bark; of the "something is terribly wrong and you need to come here right now" variety.

I muttered some not so nice words under my breath about the chipmunk and returned to the living room to tell Ben to chill out. Sure enough, Ben was sitting on the back of the couch staring out the window and barking like mad. Had to be the chippie, I figured. I knew that he would not stop barking until I looked out the window and acknowledged that yes, there is the chippie, and yes it is in the backyard etc.....

Imagine my surprise when I looked and did not see a chipmunk anywhere. "What in the name of all that is holy ARE you barking about Ben?"

Then I saw it. Way off in the distance, at the crest of the hill and moving fast towards the forest. A little white tail wagging.

I flew out into the backyard and checked the perimeter of the fence. Sure enough, there was a hole dug underneath the corner of the fence.

Bogey was AWOL.

I grabbed Ben's leash and put it on him, put Bogey's leash in the pocket of my hoodie, and took off out the door.

ONE HOUR LATER...after tromping through the woods in some kind of horrible Saturday Night Live spoof of Lewis and Clark exploring the wilderness... alternately crying, pleading, and cussing Bogey out.... I finally managed to get my hands on the little runaway. [Actually, Ben is the one who caught him, as Bogey likes to hunker down and "hide" and jump out at Ben -it is his favorite game- and, thinking this was one hell of a great game he was playing, did the same thing in the woods.....when he jumped out from underneath a mass of soggy leaves (did I mention it was raining?) and landed on top of Ben, I managed to grab him and hook him to his leash]

My once white/wheaten little scottie dog was pitch black. covered in dirt, mud, sticks, leaves, and who knows what the hell else.

When we finally made our way back to the house a rather sheepish Bogey headed right down the hall and jumped into the bathtub. Normally I would have found this to be a Hallmark "aw how cute and clever" moment, but I was far too ticked off to appreciate that interpretation. Instead I interepreted it as Bogey saying "ok, yeah, I know this is the price I have to pay for taking off, but man it was a lot of fun and definitely worth it."

It took 3 baths to get him clean. 6 towels. 1/2 a bottle of doggie shampoo. Not to mention I then had to bathe Ben. And myself.

Robert came home early and fixed the fence so that it was now truly "Bogey proof."

So, imagine my shock when the very next day I looked outside and could not see Bogey ANYWHERE.......

I checked the fence....no signs of a prison break.

Yet, there was no Bogey to be seen.

And Ben was again sounding the alarm with his extremely annoying, shrill barking frenzy campaign.

I could not believe this was happening. again.

Guess who managed to dig a hole under the deck (no small feat, as it is more a platform than a deck and has no steps- it rests on the ground for crying out loud)?

And Guess who got STUCK under the deck and could not get out?

Guess who had to dig you-know-who out from under the deck and give him yet another round of baths?

That dog is going to be the death of me yet.

Oh Boy

Last week the board of directors of the Sawyer Family Center put together a flyer to go out in the community newspaper that details the different projects and events that are currently going on and in the works.

1500 of these things were printed up and delivered as an insert in the sawyer news.

My phone has been ringing off the hook since they were delivered.

Why, you ask?

Simple.

Instead of the phone number for the Sawyer Family Center being put on the flyer, our personal home phone number was put there by mistake

and no one caught this before it went to print. no one.

And no, I did not see it before it was printed. I would hope that if I had, I would have noticed that the flyer had MY HOME PHONE NUMBER ON IT!!!!!

now everytime the phone rings, I cringe.

And there is nothing I can do to fix it. not a damn thing.

ARGH!!!!!!!

Where we are on the Vietnam adoption wait list

I received a very nice, considerate, and informative email from our regional rep in response to my inquiry concerning the expanding wait times, where we are on the infamous "list", and what we should expect concerning our own wait.

According to the email, we are 111 on the list of currently 154 families waiting for a referral. If the list is further differentiated into boy and girl requests, we (having said we prefer a boy) are #59. However, if any of the 110 people ahead of us on the master list who are currently asking for a girl only change their preference to boy or girl, we will be bumped down the list.

The current wait times are 12-15 months for a boy and 2+ years for a girl. The wait time can either increase or decrease depending upon the number of referrals and the frequency of referrals our agency receives. Therefore, it is impossible to say that we will wait longer than 12-15 months, wait exactly 12,13,14, or 15 months, or wait less than 12-15 months.

in the last four months, our agency has only had 2 girl referrals, so the current statistics are in favor of boy referrals over girl referrals, which, if the trend continues, gives us a little bit of hope that we might at least fall within the wait time line quoted to us in January: 12-15 months.

So, that is where we stand right now. I feel better having a better handle on how the list works and where we are on the list. Of course, I had hoped that we were further up on the list, as we are 3 months into our wait, and if we do the math of being (potentially #59) on the list, and say there are 5 referrals a month on average, that puts us at 12 more months for a referral. Within the 12-15 month wait we were quoted, albiet at the tale end of it. So, roughly one year until referral , and 3-5 months after that for travel. Yuck. Lord grant me patience.

But, at least we know more now than we did before. That's worth something, right?

Latest Agency update on the Vietnam program

When I opened my email box this morning, there was an update from our regional representative on the Vietnam adoption program. According to the email, they have not received any new referrals, but expect to have some soon. The closing line of the email reads:

"We know the wait times are getting longer for families and understand how hard this is for you. We are here for you during this difficult time and want to support you. "

I know this was written in an honest expression of concern, but I cant help but feel a bit "handled" by such a statement. However, I decided to take advantage of this expression of concern and sent an email to our regional rep, asking for clarification on where R and I stand in the wait list and what our wait time might be.

I ask this primarily because a recent post on our agencies Yahoo group by a PAP indicated that the wait time for a boy referral might be as long as 17 months. Another email posted by a PAP reported that their regional rep sent out an email asking those waiting for a girl referral to consider changing their gender preferrence or perhaps considering another program- the underlying message being that the wait time for a girl referral is growing even longer.

Now, we requested an infant boy, twins, or a sibling group (with the oldest child being up to 36 months of age), so I am not as concerned about the growing wait for a girl referral. But I am concerned that the growing wait for a boy referral might eventually result in a similar email being sent to those of us waiting for a boy: that we might wish to consider another program.

So, in my email to our agency rep I asked, very nicely, for clarification on the wait time we should expect, a clarification on how the wait list works and an inquiry as to where we stand in that wait list, and our concerns that we might, in the future, be asked to consider another program.

We shall see what happens. I really hope that I get a substantial response from my inquiry, and not a vague, "its hard to tell as we can't predict how many referrals we get" and a "hang in there, we know this wait is hard and we are there for you during this difficult time." It is maddening to try to make important decisions when you receive answers like that.

There is also a tiny part of me that is terrified that I am being too pushy in sending this email. When, I wonder, did I start harboring these kind of fears?

Thinking Blogger Award

They like me, they really like me! seriously, I am blown away that I have been given the "Thinking Blogger Award" by E at "Looking for George" and by Gretchen at "Lawmommy." Not only are they both women that I admire, they are the writers of two of my "must reads" on my list of blogs. Trouble is, they have been nominated by someone else, so I can't turn around and give them the award back. Same true for Mrs. Brocoli Guy, Life of Elle, The Open Window, The Cracked Pot, and Worth the Wait- all blogs that I love written by women that I respect and would love to meet in RL.

Before I nominate my 5, I am required by the rules to point those who I nominate towards the guidelines for this award, so check out this site before you nominate your 5 http://www.thethinkingblog.com/2007/02/thinking-blogger-awards_11.html (sorry folks, I have no idea how to do this so that it just has a "magic highlighted word" that you click on)

Without Further Ado, here are my 5 nominees:

1. Big Momma's World (http://thebodiebunch.blogspot.com/). Cindy is a 52 year old mom to 39 kids- yes, that is right, 39 kids. She adopted from Central America and from the foster care system. An Evangelical Christian who is far more conservative in her beliefs than I am, she has made a life for herself as a mom to kids who others would not adopt: older kids, and large sibling groups. I am constantly amazed at her faith, determination, and commitment to kids with some very tough behavior problems. I suffer under no illusions that I could live her life, but I respect her for what she has done and read her blog daily to see how she and her kids are doing. She is honest about the difficulties her kids face, but at the same time her love for the kids shines through. A tough lady, for sure. And a good mother.

2. Whittier on Autism (http://whitterer-autism.blogspot.com/). A British woman living in the United States who writes candidly and with great humor about her life as a mother to two young boys with Autism. Everyone should read this blog, wether or not they have an interest in autism or not- she is simply one of the best writers out there in bloggerland.

3. Jenn and BJ's blog Long Adventures (http://longadventures.blogspot.com/). Jenn and BJ were, up until recently, with the same agency Robert and I are with, in the process of adopting an infant from Vietnam. They are now the parents to a beautiful little peanut, Amos, that they adopted domestically. If you have not read their story, head over there right now and read it! They wrestled with the issues that plague most of us on waiting lists for a Vietnam adoption - the long wait, the concern over the icky "supply and demand" situation that seems to be occuring in Vietnam adoption -and made what was surely a difficult decision to switch to a domestic adoption. Amos truly is their miracle baby!

4. KellyO's blog Bunny's Mom (http://vietnambabybabybaby.blogspot.com/). KellyO started the Vietnam adoption process expecting to adopt a baby girl from Vietnam. Learning about a young boy on a Vietnam adoption agency waiting list who needed a family, she and her husband stepped up and said "We want to parent him." Will, the boy they are adopting, is a twin- his birthmother decided to place him for adoption, but not his brother. KellyO candidly shares in her blog the questions and concerns she wrestles with in their adoption of Will- the challenge of an older child adoption, her concerns over Will's feelings about being adopted, leaving his brother and his mother, and coming to America to be her son, and her wish to adopt both boys, if possible. She has a heart of gold, and the compassion she has for Will, his brother, and his birthmom is humbling to those of us who read her blog. I am amazed and in awe of the way in which KellyO and her husband have expanded their adoption dream to include not only the infant girl they first dreamed of, but an adorable little boy in a heartbreaking situation.

5. LaLa's blog Ladybugs and Dragonflies (http://www.thegrowingwarehouse.blogspot.com/). LaLa is the mom of the most beautiful little girl, Annslee, adopted from China. She and her husband are now in the process of adopting a little girl from Vietnam. her website is filled with photos and stories of Annslee, and includes a link to her page about their soon to be daugther from Vietnam. In addition, she is one of my best friends in bloggerland, and is allways quick to send me a friendly email when I am feeling down. I treasure her friendship greatly, and have photos of her little peanut on my fridge. Lala reminds me that there is light at the end of the "tunnel of endless waiting" and offers a vision of motherhood and family life that gives me hope that my own dreams of motherhood and family life can be, and will be, actualized. An intelligent, compassionate woman, she presents a postive, upbeat attitude that gives me courage and strength to keep hanging on. At my lowest point, she gave me the greatest gift- the opportunity to send to little Annslee a gift in the mail. LaLa, you probably have no idea how much it meant to me to be able to send a gift to a little one that, for me, has become the symbol of all that is good and right and joyous about building a family through adoption. I encourage everyone to drop by Ladybugs and Dragonflies, if for no other reason than to see the divine miss Annslee!

Inertia and our Vietnam Adoption

I have a million and one things to accomplish this week, and really have no business dorking around on the internet or posting on this blog. I have a sermon to prepare, a presentation for a workshop on Friday that I haven't even begun to put together, a fundraiser for the family center this thursday, two boyscout troops that have signed up to help with our community "Yooper Quilts for U.P. Troops" project that are scheduled for Thursday evening, and a get together for our congregation at our house on Sunday afternoon that requires a top to bottom cleaning of the house as well as a menu that needs to be planned.

But, Inertia has struck. hard.

I cannot muster up one lick of motivation to do any of the above mentioned things. Instead I sit here reading blogs, googling Vietnam Adoption updates, checking the Waiting Child list on our agency, and re-reading the latest update from our agency: "33 families with referrals waiting to travel, 154 families on the dossier list waiting for a referral and 203 families that have applied and are working on their home study and waiting for CIS approval [April 20, 2007 email]."

I have no idea what the other agencies are quoting to their clients, but the numbers we are seeing alarm me. R and I are part of the 154. Some bloggerland friends of mine are among the 203. Who knows how many others are signing up as I type this, upping the numbers even more.

I also have no idea what number we are on the list: all I know is we are part of the 154 people. I tried to go back and find the updates from January (when we officially joined the waiting for referal list) so that I could work out the math, but I can't find any updates from that time. I know we are not 154 of 154, but we sure as heck aren't anywhere near the #1 spot either.

Nor do I have any earthly idea how many of the 154 are on the "girl only" wait list, how many are on the "boy only" wait list, and how many are in the "either/or" category of the wait list.

I would write and ask where we stand, but I have this irrational (or is it?) fear that if I ask I might be making a pest of myself, and I am terrified of pissing someone at the agency off- as that can't be a good thing. Somehow our agency has evolved in my mind from " the agency who we waited a year to work with, we are so impressed with them and trust them with our lives" to "the agency that has all the power and we best make ourselves unobtrusive and passive as possible cuz just maybe there is a slim chance that doing so will curry their favor and we will get a referral sooner."

Stunningly stupid thinking on my part, I realize. Clearly I am reading far too many adoption horror stories on the internet. The agency we are working with has never given me any reason to question their ethics or to make the preposterous assumption that they would react negatively to any inquiry on our part concerning the adoption.

Yet the irrational fears keep their stronghold on me.

Frankly, the long list of folks on the list pisses me off. The "I want to scream at the top of my lungs to the whole world that I did not sign up for this" kind of pissed off. I find myself thinking of the different paths we could have chosen had we not signed with this agency and for this program. If we had known the wait was going to be this long, we could have pursued having a child the biological way (more fun, less expensive, to be sure) and then adopted. Guess what? With the agency we are with, if we become pregnant during the process, we cannot complete our Vietnam adoption. We could have also pursued a domestic adoption during this wait time [hey we might have gotten lucky (blessed really) like Jenn and BJ, who are the proud parents of adorable little Amos], but, again, our agency contract stipulates that we cannot do that either, and if we do so, we will have to drop out of the Vietnam adoption program.

I am kicking myself for not paying more attention to these rules when we started. Its the familiar "If I knew then what I know now" situation that we all encouter at one point or another in our lives. We didn't know, of course, that our wait would grow from a few months until a referral to 10-15 months for a referral.

In the end, it all comes down to money. Counting the homestudy costs, the INS costs, and the Agency fees we have shelled out around 7 grand so far. If we made any changes at this point (i.e. switching agencies) we will forfeit a little over 4 thousand of that money.

There is something particularly distatesful in the fact that we are staying put in this long wait line primarily because of money. Yuck. But the reality is we cannot toss aside that much money. Nor can we come up with that same amount to sink into another agency or program.

So, there we are. Stuck in the ever growing line of foks waiting for a referral. Wondering how in the world we are going to handle the possibility that this adoption has disintegrated from a "we want to be parents, there is a child in Vietnam who needs a parent, let's do this" to "There are apparently an unlimited number of people out there who want to be parents and apparently a limited number of children in Vietnam who need parents and are eligible for IA, which has created a rather icky situation of demand exceeding supply."

It all rather feels like I have drawn the "Cherry Pit" card on Candyland and the red square cards have disappeared from the deck, thus leaving me stuck for the remainder of the game. No advancing towards the Candy Castle or even moving backwards to the Peppermint Stick Forest.

R just came in the door, so I am going to post this uber depressing blog and see if he wants a late lunch.

Ta, everyone. I'll try to be more positive next time I post. I really hate being the Eyore of the blogging universe.

Random Events and Bogey's Bad Day

Good news! Ben's liver enzyme levels are down! The vet hopes that one more month of the Zentonil will bring him back to normal. Ben seems to have more energy these days, and is playing more with Bogey and with us. He is also obsessed with the squirrels and chipmunks in our new back yard. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to find out the results of his blood test!

In birthday events, I have finally decided to forgive my husband for buying me the worst birthday present a man could ever buy a woman: an anti-aging kit from bath and body works. He swears he just bought it cuz the sales person told him it was great stuff, and to ignore the anti- aging title. Of course, the sales person was probably all of 18 years old, so I am pretty sure she thought at 33 I needed an anti aging kit. I taught him a new rule for life: NEVER EVER BUY A WOMAN ANYTHING THAT SAYS ANTI- AGING!!! EVER!! IF A WOMAN WANTS AN ANTI AGING PRODUCT SHE WILL BUY IT HERSELF!!!

Now, finally, I will tell the story of Bogey's Bad Day. Picture it, upper michigan, 2007....early in the morning. R goes to work quite early, so he lets Ben and Bogey outside for potty duty before he leaves for work (after all, an aging woman needs her beauty sleep!). on this particular morning, R was running late, so he was in a rush to get the dogs out and back in again. Ben and Bogey come barreling back in the house, R leaves for work. Both dogs race upstairs to the bedroom- Ben crawling back under the bed for an early morning snooze, Bogey jumps up into the bed to say hello to me and snuggle back down for some cuddle time. As usual, he snuggles up right next to me and puts his head on the pillow, with his back end resting in the crook of my arm. Now, isnt' that a hallmark moment?

Not really. In fact, not even close. As Bogey snuggles down, I detect an odor. a very strong odor. Let's call it "Eu De Poo" Instantly I am wide awake. And horrified. Bogey apparently did not finish what he was doing outside this morning, and the results were beyond disgusting, and all over his butt, the bedding, and my arm.

I spring into action, jump up and out of bed, grab Bogey off the bed, and dash to the bathroom. I drop Bogey into the bathtub, nudge the door shut with my foot, and turn the water on (not too hot, not too cold, but just right), frantically looking around for a plastic cup to rinse the back end of bogey off.

The water hits the clumps of Eu De Poo and I quickly realize I am going to have to grab some toilet paper and pick the cumps out of his hair and out of the tub- no way were they going to simply rinse down the drain.

Turning to grab some toilet paper was my first big mistake. I turn, Bogey jumps out of the tub, and....at just that moment, Ben (who previously was on the outside of the door barking and whining to get in, cuz he is not about to be left out of anything) somehow manages to push the door open.

Ben trotts in, Bogey bolts out.

I uttered some not so very nice words, and leapt over Ben (who was blocking the door, wagging his tail so PROUD of having opened the door all by himself) and go on a "Bogey hunt."

I found him in the OTHER bedroom, "making a nest" out of the bed covers...his back end dripping wet, (and oooh this is so gross) with "brown wet stuff" getting smeared and flung all over the bed.

Holding my breath and trying not to gag, I grab him again, fly back to the bathroom and slam the door shut (this time with Ben on the inside, proving I have a pretty darn good learning curve when it comes to this type of emergency situation) and put Bogey back in the tub.

It took THREE baths to get him clean and half a bottle of baby shampoo!!!

Once I set him free and he did his tear around the house at mach speed and rubbing his face on all the carpets and attacking the towel I so foolishly was trying to dry him off with...Ben in hot pursuit barking his head off.... I inspected the damage.

Doggy Poo was everywhere....on the two bedspreads, on my pillow case (I dont even want to KNOW how that happened), on the sleeve of my pajama top, on the carpet in the hallway, the carpet in both bedrooms, and (as if things were not allready beyond awful) all over the carpet in the basement by the backdoor that leads to our fenced in back yard.

I called R on the phone and asked him how in the world he managed to NOT notice that Bogey had POO all over himself, still coming OUT (EEWW GROSS) when he called the dogs back into the house before he went to work. HOW CAN SOMEONE NOT NOTICE AND NOT SMELL THIS??????

I spent the entire day washing all the bedding, my pajamas, (myself too, actually, cuz I so needed a shower after that....for sheer OH MY GOD I HAD DOG POO ON ME reality of the situation) and scrubbing carpets.

Bogey, of course, now all sweet smelling and squeeky clean, curled up on the couch with Ben and resumed his early morning snooze.

Please tell me that kids do not do things like this!

Random Thoughts and Recent Events

Thank you, everyone for your get well wishes for Ben. He seems to be feeling a little better: he is playing more with Bogey and has a little more energy than he has had recently. This may mean the medicine is working, or it may mean that I am engaging in wishful thinking- we will find out in about a week when he finishes the medicine and we take him in for a blood test. I will let you all know the outcome.

Not a whole lot going on here- we are slowly but surely getting our new house in order. R and I are in love with the new place: a lot more room and all one level (save for the basement). The bizarre snowstorm we suffered through together was a real downer (32 inches of snow!), but we are grateful that we were able to get the fence up for the backyard before the snow fell- otherwise I would be spending the majority of my day going in and out with the dogs on leashes! Our backyard is enormous and is filled with chipmunks, a fact that Ben and Bogey enjoy immensely. Let's hope that the chippies are faster than the boys, or else we will be having a lot of chippie funerals this summer!

I have decided not to get into great detail over one of my reader's choice options: difficult people suck. There is a slim chance that someone might read this who also knows this person and I do not wish to infuse anymore drama into an already ridiculously dramatic situation. I will leave it at this: There is a local community organization that I am very involved with both as a community member and as a member of our church. My involvement has meant that I have had to work with an individual who has the best of intentions (I think) but has great difficulty working with the group in a "team" way. For some reason this person has a personal "thing" against me and that has caused a lot of grief for both of us and for the group. I honestly can say that I have tried everything I can think of to get along with this person, but there seems to be some wierd competition thing going on with this person where I am slated as the "one to compete against." I have some idea as to the reason for this competitive slant but am frankly befuddled as to why I would be a threat. There has been a lot of "trash talk" going on with other people in this group and elsewhere in groups we both are involved in where this person has repeatedly put me down, blamed me for problems in the group, and essentially "thrown me under the bus". Of course, the people who are the listening party in these trash talk sessions have all come to me and told me everything, so I am painfully aware about what is being said about me by this person. I have so far kept my mouth shut about it under the assumption that the people who matter know the truth of the situation and know me well enough to draw their own conclusions about what is true. Still, it is painful to have to deal with someone who is nice as pie to my face and tearing me apart behind my back. Unfortunately, I have contact with this individual in another major arena of my life, so the strain of this less than healthy "relationship" is a bit much to bear most days. (hmmm, even though I have tried to be careful in this post, I have given a lot of information out. oh well, consider it a passive aggresive retalitary poke-I am only human and I have really had enough of trying to be the better person in this situation)

Recent events have decreased the intensity of the situation, so I did not end up quitting the community group, something that I ranted and raved and cried about for many weeks- a marathon long temper tantrum in which I told anyone who would listen that this was not worth the aggravation (even though the fact that I was temper tantruming about the situation so much indicates that it is, indeed, worth a great deal to me personally). And so the work continues, and hopefully some of the new projects we have come up with as a group will take off and we will be able to keep open the Family Center we worked so hard to get up and running. One of our current projects is making U.P quilts for U.P Troops- quilts that will be delivered to U.P soldiers who are wounded in Iraq and are recovering at Walter Reed. We have gotten the local boy scout troop and the local elementary school on board and the kids will be making quilt squares to put into the quilts- in fact today I am scrambling around trying to scrape enough money together to buy the needed quilt pens and quilt paint necessary for over 140 kids to use to design their quilt squares! The response to the project was much greater than we expected, so now we have the problem of getting enough materials- a good problem to have!

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow and I am a bit bummed out as I had hoped that by THIS birthday I would be a mother. No such luck. We have only been on the waiting list for a referral for a little under 3 months, and with a projected wait of 12-15 months we are no where near the point where we can even expect the phone call to start a dossier. I am keeping my spirits up by repeating over and over to myself : next year, next year for sure I will be a mom on my birthday! I haven't quite gotten to the point where I believe my own propoganda, but I will keep trying........

I will post a little later about another one of the reader's choice options: Bogey's Bad Day, as we could use a little comic relief on this blog, what with the "downer" I have been on lately.

Must run, as a chippie has ventured out from under the back deck and is "sunning" himself (herself? how can one tell?) on a snow pile. The boys are going bonkers, and it is hard to type with two dogs barking and pawing at me to get me to let them outside to "defend their territory" from a "very dangerous" chipmunk.

Adoption Decision and What's Wrong with Ben?

We are about 95% moved in to our new house! I am still surrounded by boxes that need to be unpacked (where did we get all this STUFF?), but at least the boxes are in one room and the rest of the house looks more like a home and less like a storage facility.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments and well wishes on my last post. LaLa, you are right, our agency is very conservative and, according to our contract with them we cannot pursue another adoption or become pregnant while in the process of our Vietnam adoption. So, as they say, "there goes the ball game" as far as pursuing a domestic AA (yes KellyO you are right, it stands for African American) adoption at this time. We have invested far too much emotionally and financially into our Vietnam adoption to pull out of it at this point. I also suspect that a large part of the attraction of the domestic AA adoption "offer" was the lure of a (perhaps) faster adoption. It would not be right to let my impatience with the Vietnam adoption time line to be the deciding factor in pursuing the domestic adoption option. I try to be very conscientious about the effects of the long wait upon my decision making process, yet it is difficult to put the brakes on and look at the larger picture when the possibility of bringing home a baby SOONER is dangled in front of me. Luckily, R and I did not have a lot of time to talk about it, as we were dealing with the "big move" and Ben's health issues. Not to mention a zillion other things (one of which has to do with my suggested title in the Reader's Choice post: Difficult People Suck). At this point, we are not going to consider seriously the AA domestic adoption "option" - we have agreed to revisit the subject after our Vietnam adoption is completed.

A few of you asked for all the proposed topics on the Reader's Choice post, so let's move on to one of them:

1. What's Wrong with Ben? - My best buddy in the world, our almost ten year old black Pomeranian, has had two knee surgeries in his lifetime. Following his first knee surgery about five years ago, he was put on Rimadyl (an anti-inflamitory medication) to help with the pain and stiffness. I tried a few times to wean Ben off of the Rimadyl (any medication puts a strain on the liver, and I didn't want to keep him on a possibly un-necessary medication anyway), but it was obvious that without the medication he was quite "stiff" and uncomfortable when walking. Shortly after R and I moved in together in Alabama, Ben began to have trouble with his other knee (it would go out on him and he would sqauwk like the world was ending) and we took him to the vet to check it out. Sure enough, he needed a surgery on that knee also. After that surgery we switched from Rimadyl to Metacam- a liquid anti inflamitory that was easier to give to Ben as we could put a few drops on his food rather than try to get a pill in him. About two months ago, we switched back to the chewable Rimadyl, as the Metacam was difficult to get at our current vet and was quite expensive. After a month's supply, I called the vet to ask for a refill. I was told to bring Ben in for a quick blood test to check his liver enzymes out, as Rimadyl can affect liver functioning. I didn't give it too much thought, as Ben seemed to be fine- although I did find it curious that this was the first vet to express concern about the medication and ask for a blood test- none of the other vets ever checked that out.

To make a long story short (or at least shorter), Ben's blood test came back showing abnormal enzyme levels. I can't recall the details (I was in total shock over this) but one level should be around 100 and Ben's is around 1400. He is on a new, very expensive medication (Zentonil) that hopefully will help his liver regenerate and regulate his enzyme levels.

I am embarrassed to admit how much, and how often, I have cried over this. Ben has been in my life longer than my husband! He is truly my best buddy- a real cuddler and very entertaining (He sings to the radio when dixie chicks come on and to some tv commercials). When my father was ill Ben was the official "therapy dog" for our family- he comforted my mom and myself through a lot of "crying sessions" in those days. He was also my dad's buddy - when I was away at college, my dad took Ben with him everywhere- to the bank, to the store, to visit friends, sometimes he or my mom would just put Ben in the car and drive around the block because "Ben likes to go for car rides." When my dad was very sick, Ben literally stuck by his side for hours on end. When my dad died, Ben was the one who curled up with me and licked the tears off of my face.

The thought of losing Ben terrifies me. I know he is old and the life of a dog isn't nearly as long as we wish it to be- but I am not ready, damn it. This medication better work! I dont want Ben to feel ill or to suffer in anyway, but we need that goofy black fur ball around here. Bogey has never been without Ben, he adores him. R has bonded with Ben in a big way also- it is R who Ben runs to when it starts storming outside. R has spent hours in the middle of the night comforting Ben during big thunderstorms. My mom, my sister, my niece, my nephew- they all love Ben fiercely as well.

And please, do not tell me that he is "just a dog" and we can allways get another one. And do not tell me that once we have children, we will not love our dogs nearly as much. That may be true, but right now I do not have children (and am beginning to despair that I ever will). What I do have is two wonderful dogs, once of which is quite sick right now. So if you can find it in your heart to say a prayer for "just a dog" please do so. I can't bear to lose my buddy.

Reader's Choice results

LOL. I guess I asked for this, didn't I? Looks like I need to blog about all of them, with most poeple wanting #4 and 5# first. However, due to #1 on the list, this might take a while to get done (I am surrounded by boxes and things that need to go in boxes and things that aren't going to fit in any box....AARGGHH)

The conversations with our home study agency and our placement agency took place while I was dealing with Bogey's Bad Day and Moving On up to Colonel's Row. R and I were seriously considering moving from our current duplex to a very nice single family HUMUNGOUS home with a private back yard (complete with two tire swings -let's hope that is a good omen!). The best part is it is all one level, which is very important given What's Wrong with Ben. In making the decision to move, we needed to find out how it was going to affect our adoption - would we need a new homestudy, an update to our home study, an adendum? Also, what do we have to send to USCIS about this move, and how will it affect our approval to adopt?

So, I emailed our placement agency and explained the situation, asking what we would need to do. The reply from our agency Vietnam representative from our regional office was this: unfortunately, we would need to have an update to our homestudy and we should contact our home study agency to find out what that would cost etc.

The email link to our home study agency wasn't working, so I picked up the phone and called them. The worker that I spoke with said, yes, we would have to do an adendum, which would require a worker to do a walk through on the new house: total cost, 350 dollars plus travel, lodging, and food expenses [ the one downside to our home study agency is that they are located in downstate michigan, and we live in the wilds of the U.P., so travel is a bit expensive]. However, they felt that if we did make this move and were willing to wait a little bit, they often have people coming to the U.P. in the summer time and could cor-dinate the visit to time with an allready planned trip up here so that the travel costs etc would be shared with other PAP's or with whatever conference or trip that was allready planned.

In the course of the conversation, the home study agency representative pointed out that we would need to do an update anyway, as the home study is only good for one year and, given the current time lines for our placement agency's Vietnam program, we are going to need to do that update.

I expressed my frustration with the current state of the Vietnam program (i.e. the loooonnnggg wait) and said that when we started the wait was a mere 3-4 months for referral, and now it was 12-15 months.

I was then asked, have we considered domestic adoption? Would we reconsider it? If we were willing to consider adopting an AA baby, they would be happy to have our information on file (for free), as they often have very few choices for Birth Mom's to choose from when the Birth Mom is AA. We would, of course, need to make a few additions to our homestudy (which we could do easily when we do the Moving on Up to Colonel's Row update), and she would have to check with our home study worker to see if he felt we were good candidates for a AA adoption.

I asked if this would require us to drop out of the Vietnam program and was told no, we could do both. As long as we are aware of the additional financial and emotional costs: that is, the additional cost of the domestic adoption (which is far less than the cost of IA) and the emtional cost of having a new baby and making travel plans etc for an IA.

In the meantime, I was waiting for an email back from our placement agency regional rep as to what the likelihood was that we would have to do an update anyway -in other words, is it likely that we will have to update our homestudy due to the time limit on it (one year) given that the wait is currently 12-15 months for referral?

The reply was predictable - as in, they can't say for certainity if we would have to or not, as they never know how many referrals they are going to receive, but her best guess is yes, we are probably going to have to do an update anyway.

Since we are most likely going to shelve out even more money yet again for an update (hence, this adoption is going to cost us more money) we decided to Move on Up to Colonel's Row.

While I sit here amdist boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff and even more stuff not yet in boxes, I am also mulling over the home study agency's "offer" (for lack of a better word) to keep us on file for AA birth mom's to look at when making a choice on her child's future adoptive family. We had closed the door to domestic adoption a long time ago, for many reasons. Should we open it again?

A final troubling thought: Would our placement agency for Vietnam "let" us do both?

Reader's Choice

So much has been going on since I blogged last (which is why, of course, I haven't blogged in a while), that I do not know what to write about first. So, I thought I would go the democratic route and let you all decide what you want to hear about. Simply pick from the following list which topic(s) you want to hear about and I will share that particular story...and do please, pick something, otherwise I am going to feel rejected and unloved...and you don't really want that on your conscience do you?

Here are the choices:

1. Moving on Up to Colonel's Row
2. Bogey's Bad Day
3. What's Wrong with Ben?
4. Conversations with our placing agency: This waiting game is going to cost us money
5. Conversations with our home study agency: Should we open a "door" we previously shut?
6. Haunted by the little boy in Georgia
7. Difficult People Suck

10 Odd Things - aka I have been tagged

Since I have been tagged by two people- KelleyO (Bunny's mom) and E (Looking for George) and am now feeling quite loved and cherished (they like me, they really like me!) I will expose all things (well, 10 things) that are odd about me.

1. I hate feet. I think socks should be required apparel for all people everywhere.

2. related to #1, I hate anyone touching MY feet. This is a problem, as it is now Lent and on Maundy Thursday we will be having a foot washing ceremony. The Bishop will be there. Our congregation is rather small- so if I do not participate there will be many questions about "what is wrong." I am also the warden on the congregation (what an awful title that is...doesn't it sound terribly punitave?) and a licensed preacher, so not participating in the foot washing ceremony is definitely going to look like a failure to live up to my leadership responsibilities. And how does one tell one's bishop, "no, I am sorry. but I would have to kick you if you touched my feet." And what if I have to wash other people's feet? AARGGGHHH....it is a dilemma.

3. I hate ordering in a restuarant. double that when it comes to ordering food via the phone. Yet I will, without a second thought, stand up in front of a congregation and preach or give a presentation in a classroom. A 20 minute sermon in front of 400 people (not our current church, but a church at which I was a college intern) or a sermon that is live broadcast over the radio does not bother me. Ordering a peperoni pizza from a pizza parlor- terrifying. And don't get me started on fast food drive thru.

4. I have a scottish terrier who insists on drinking water out of the bathtub. Periodically throughout the day I will hear him whining and arooing as if the world as we know it is ending, only to find him in the bathroom, sitting in the bathtub and staring at the faucet with a look of desperate longing on his face. He will stay there until the end of time if I do not turn the faucet on so he can have a drink. Then I must lift him out of the tub, dry off his feet, and send him on his way. I have no idea why I must lift him out, as he obviously is able to jump into the tub on his own....but that is Bogey for you.

5. I have a pomeranian who sings everytime Jodee Mesina comes on the radio. Or the Dixie Chicks. I actually have this on film, and it is quite hilarious.

6. I love love LOVE Gerber Apple Blueberry desert. I got hooked on the stuff back in high school when I had jaw surgery and could not eat anything but soft foods for many many weeks. I cannot wait until I am a parent and can buy the stuff without feeling like a dithering prat and a poser.

7. I slept with my teddy bear, Teddy (yes I know, what an original name for a bear, but hey I got him when I was 2, so give me a break, will ya?) until I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. Entering graduate school and getting married forced even me to accept that it was time for Teddy to retire. But I still cannot sleep without him in the room. I should probably get therapy for this.

8. I fell madly in love with Kenny Rogers when I was 4 years old. I have every recording he has ever done, as well as every tv show he ever did and his one movie. Not to mention a bulging scrap book of every newspaper article about him. Try being in high school with a Kenny Rogers addiction when everyone else is into pop music. Talk about odd.

9. My dog, Ben, is named after Ben Cartwright from Bonanza. You can blame the Family channel for playing Bonanza re-runs while I was in middle school and high school for that. Or possibly the fact that I am truly and completely an odd ball with wierd taste. Ben is one of my favorite names, but, sadly, I cannot name a future child Ben, as they might think we named him after the dog...which surely would rack up the psychologist bill when he is a teenager.

10. I read. constantly. I am never without a book. Which may not be that odd, but I my reading preferences are rather eclectic. Currently I am reading a book on the life of St Ignatius of Loyola (who counted his tears, considering them a gift of the Holy Spirit. What kind of anal retentive dude counts his tears and writes the numbers down in his journal" But then, that is a saint for you- never are they ordinary blokes), a book on Vietnam titled "Beyond the Baby Lift", and a memoir about autism called "George and Sam: two boys, one family, and autism."

Normally this would be the point where I tag some folks, but everyone I can think of has allready been tagged. If anyone reading this has not been tagged and would like to share their oddities with the residents of bloggerland: "Tag, your it."

the strange workings of a deranged mind.... adoption fears

I do not worry.

I obsess.

The latest news in international adoption has me obsessing about some fantastical imaginary (hopefully) consequences that the recent warnings about Guatemala and the continued "backlash" of China's new rules will have on Vietnam adoption.

Freak out Scenario my deranged mind has conjured up:

Vietnam, allready under seige by PAP's who once were in a China Adoption program but now are flocking to Vietnam in droves [because a) the China wait is too long or, b) they no longer meet the new China requirements ]will now have another ginormous (not a word, but an apt description of the size) influx of PAP's who were once in a Guatemala adoption program and are now scrambling for another program because our beloved government has all but told people "you don't wanna go with Guatemala people, cuz its on the verge of combustion due to some really rotten dishonest people and greedy lawyers...oh yeah, and the Hague thing" (truthfully, what the state department website said was that PAP's should "strongly consider their options" but we all KNOW what that really means).

[How's that for a run on sentence? Would it shock you to know I have two degrees and I still can write a run on sentence of epic porportions?]

Seriously, my friends, Vietnam is not that big of a country. There simpy cannot be that many orphans in Vietnam that need homes. Certainly there are not that many infant girls (or boys) in Vietnam that need homes. How in the world can ethical adoptions continue in Vietnam when (excuse the economic terms, but let's be real here, economics plays a big role in adoption) the demand is fast exceeding the supply?

I never went into adoption with the mindset that we would scramble and shove and push our way to the front of the line for a baby. I do not want to be fighting for a child like it is the newest toy out of the market. We wanted, quite simply (and perhaps niavely) to become parents to a child who needed parents.....If there are more PAP's then there are children in Vietnam, are we really in the process of becoming parents to a child who needs parents, or are we fast becoming part of a maddening crowd of people who are putting such a strain on the system that corruption is sure to result and children who DO NOT NEED parents might well be taken/stolen/bought from birth parents just to meet the demand of PAP's and satisfy the greed of those who are making the big bucks in this "business" known as international adoption? [run on sentence #2...I am on a roll here]

I talked at length with R about all of this and suggested perhaps we need to reconsider our plans, or at least have a back up program. Yes, we want to be parents, and I am not about to take the very high road and not adopt out of some high moral standard that dictates that being a part of IA neccesarly translates into being a part of a possibly/ potentionally corrupt process that does not allways serve the best interest of a child in need of a family. Perhaps I should, but my own need to be a mom is a powerful drive that shows no sign of abating any time soon. Shoot me if you must, but I am human, an I am far, far, FAR, from sainthood.

I spent the last week investigating yet again domestic foster care adoption. I neglected all my usual favorite blogs (sorry about that, I promise to catch up and post comments very soon) and went looking for some foster-adopt blogs. And boy did I find them. Cindy's blog http://thebodiebunch.blogspot.com/ kept me captivated for days as I read through two years worth of posts about her family formed through adoption primarily through foster care: I received a first hand look at how the many issues foster care kids typically have manifest in every day life. Cindy, I am sure, is a rare woman- part crazy, part saint, and 100% genuine in her commitment to her children and all children in need of homes. That being said, while I admire her, I learned quickly that I am not cut out for foster adoption OR being the mother in a large family. Claudia's blog http://fletcherclan.blogspot.com/ was also an eye opener for me, and confirmed that, while I admire and respect people who have the tenacity (or calling) to parent children who come into a family via the foster care system, I am not one of them.

I plan on keeping up with Cindy and Claudia's blogs, as I have "fallen in love" with their families: however, I know deep in my bones that I do not have what it takes to enter into that fray. I may have fantasies about being the kind of women, and mothers, that they are, but the reality is that I am NOT that kind of woman nor could I be that kind of mother. Humbling to face that fact about myself, but when we are talking about the well being of children, it is downright abusive to try to be something that I am not..the children, more than anyone, would suffer. That is unaccepatable to me.

So, where does that leave me? Truthfully, I do not know. I am concerned (ok, obsessed) about the current and future state of adoption in Vietnam. No rose colored glasses for me, thank you very much. At this time I am not prepared (and R is definitely not prepared, he thinks I "worry too much") to hit the brakes and give up our place in "the waiting line" for a baby from Vietnam.

I am painfully aware that, when it comes to the ethics of adoption, there is a lot of grey areas. I may have to accept that, while there are things I can do to make sure that we make the "most ethical" choices possible, there is no way to be 100% sure (or comfortable) that our choices will be the "morally right" choices for all parties involved.

The whole thing rather sucks, doesn't it?

Then again, perhaps I need meds. Seriously, who obsesses about things like this?