Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Long Overdue Update

Yes, I know it has been eons since I last posted. If one was graded on one's blogging consistency, I would get a giant red F slashed across my blog.

But I do have a valid excuse. I think. Well, you will all be the judge of that, won't you?

The boys' mother appealed her voluntary termination of parental rights. An appeal hearing was held earlier this month. She successfully won her appeal (due to an error on the part of the court, not based on her written appeal, which basically said she felt pressured to do it and now regrets doing it) and so her parental rights were re-instated.

Not only did she appeal her termination on the very last day. she signed up for parenting classes, actually decided to attend the counseling sessions the court ordered for her ages ago, and began "acting out" in very alarming ways- a series of events that caused us to be concerned for the safety of the children- events that, for confidentiality reasons I could not, and cannot blog about {thus, the long silence on this blog} that resulted in a no contact order being put in place that requires the boys mom to not be anywhere near the boys, us, or have anyone initiate contact with the boys or us on her behalf. One particularly scary event involving the school has, hopefully, resulted in the school taking their security more seriously.

Knowing the nature of this case and the erratic behavior of the boys' mother, the court left the original TPR (termination of parental rights) trial on the court calendar. The trial took place earlier this month and R and I both attended. Again, for confidentiality reasons, I cannot go into details about the trial, but suffice it to say that both R and I found ourselves fighting back tears as we listened to the witnesses testify about the specifics of the abuse and neglect case. I wish I could say that I was filled with compassion for the boys' mother, but if I said that it would be a lie. I accept that life is messy and that she is very much a product of her own childhood and the circumstances of generational poverty. I also cannot excuse her for repeatedly refusing all the services and assistance offered to her and to the children that would have really helped her be a better parent and improved the economic conditions of their lives.

The trial took the better part of the day. The judge did not take a recess to make his decision. He made it on the spot. Her parental rights were terminated.

What happens now? Even though the boys' mother's rights have been terminated, there is still the matter of the parental rights of the boys' respective fathers. Hoss' father will, hopefully, relinquish his parental rights voluntarily. He is not able, nor does he desire, to have custody of Hoss(also, he is currently "back together" with the boys mother and they are, supposedly, working on having a girl this time). Little Joe's father is a little more tricky- the powers that be know who he might be, but are not certain. What will probably end up happening is that the court will file a "absent father" termination in Little Joe's case.

Once that is completed, the boys will be moved to the adoption unit and efforts will be made to find the boys a permanent family.

So, where does that leave R and I? We have decided we would like to adopt Hoss and Little Joe. In an ordinary case, we would be the preferred adoptive home for the boys, given that we are their current foster home and they have bonded with us.

This is not an ordinary case, however. Both boys are Native American. There is a federal law, the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA), that was created to provide safegaurds to keep native american children in native american homes. As a result, the standards for terminating the rights of a native american parent are much higher than the standards for non native parents (which should give you an indication of how bad things really were, for the boys' mom to lose her parental rights) and the placement requirements for Native American children are more restrictive-----As we are not Native American, we are the least preferred placement for the boys. If there is a native american home available to the boys anywhere in the country the boys would go there first. The emphasis is on the preservation of native culture over and above the emotional impact on the child to be removed from a foster family that they have bonded with and consider their family (especially in this case, as the boys are far too young to really have a sense of being foster kids etc.).

Please know that I am not in any way criticizing ICWA. I completely understand why the law was created and I do support the ultimate goal of the law- the preservation of native american families and culture.

This does not make it any easier for us, however. We do love the boys dearly. It is hard knowing that we basically have a snowballs chance in hell of adopting them. Is there some slim chance? yes. But it is slim.

still, we are going to try.

What then, does this mean for our vietnam adoption? At this point, we are still on the waiting list. We are reluctant to remove ourselves from the waiting list, as we know it is highly likely the boys will be adopted by a native american parent. It is a sticky situation however, as our contract with our agency stipulates that we will not pursue another adoption during this time (at this point we are technically not pursuing as the boys are not free for adoption until the fathers parental rights are relinquished/terminated) and that if we do adopt or become pregnant we will lose the money we have paid the agency and not be allowed to adopt a child from Vietnam.

Basically, we are in a horrible situation. We cannot adopt the boys and adopt a baby from Vietnam. If we try to adopt the boys and are unable to do so, we will suffer a double loss- the two boys AND the Vietnamese baby that we have dreamed of and worked so hard towards bringing home.

of least importance, but, since we are far from rich, still a concern: we will be out a lot of money. Money that we cannot easily pull together to attempt another adoption.

Well, there you have it. That is why I have been silent. That is what is going on.

I don't know what the hell to think, feel, or do.

What I do know is that these boys are amazing. Oh my. if you could only see how well they are doing! They are, as their attorney stated in his closing, true miracles. They are catching up so rapidly it takes our breath away. They have gone from two of the most seriously developmentally delayed children the social service agency has ever encountered to two little boys who are happy, active, and rapidly gaining ground in the areas of speech, fine and gross motor, and social skills.

And, if in the end, the memories of these boys and the blessing of being a part of their transformation is all we are left with---well, there will be some comfort in that. Enough, at least, to help us get back up on our feet and face whatever future we have heading our way.

16 comments:

mam said...

Wow, Kelly. What an amazing couple months for you all. I'm so sorry about the dilemma you're struggling with -- your Vietnam agency absolutely won't make exceptions? I'm sure the current situation you're in isn't the one their rules were meant to preclude...

Such big hearts you all have -- it makes things even harder, though. I really admire all you're accomplished, and am thinking of you.

Stepping on Legos said...

Oh wow, Kelly, that is a LOT to have gone through! I wish there was a safe way to blog about it. I hope you have a good support system! I'm so glad you made it to the other side of step 1 (the termination) and hope so much that these boys do not have to endure another loss.

LaLa said...

Wow..you have been busy : ) I hope it all works out for you and those boys are able to join your family. What a blessing you have been to them and them to you.

The preservation of their culture..while I understand it I find it difficult to grasp as I am raising an Asian child and trying to keep her culture alive but more importantly, loving the heck out of her. I know you guys would be amazing parents for the boys.

I know interim adoptions are a no no with your agency but VN doesn't care so I wish they would lighten up on that too : )

RamblingMother said...

A rock and a cement wall I see. No words of wisdom but hoping good things from your situation.

Beverly

Anonymous said...

Oh my, you have been through the wringer lately, haven't you? But what a miracle that the court saw fit to do what was right for those boys. And based on that miracle, I would say that you have slightly greater than a snowball's chance... in fact I will not be surprised if one day in the coming weeks or months you post that those boys are legally yours. But I can understand what a very hard place you are in... what if you asked your VN agency to put your case on hold for 1 year at the time that you start "actively" pursuing the boys' adoption? I know our agency will do that, and then you don't lose the money, and you can come back to the VN adoption either if the boys' adoption falls through or 1 year after the boys' adoption is finalized (should you want a 3rd at that point!)
I am just in awe of the blessing you have allowed yourselves to be in these boys' lives... instead of stewing about the long wait for a referral, you have given yourselves in just the most amazing way, and I can't help but feel God will bless you through this experience, if only in the joy you share with those boys every day as their foster mom.
Prayers for you during this time of waiting and unknowns!

Rebecca said...

Hi
I just wanted to let you know about a yahoo group (fostercare@yahoogroups.com). There is a foster father that is in this group (if you email me I will tell you his name)--he is indian(he lives in the North West). He will be able to help you! I know that a few people have been on that group and said that in the long run they were able to adopt their indian foster children, because there were not any indian families interested. Please email me with any questions (rebeccachoffmann@yahoo.com). I pray for you--because we are in almost the same spot.
Rebecca

Anonymous said...

Wow! I figured the boys were keeping you busy, but I never imagined . . . You are being much more gracious about the ICWA than I could be if I were in your shoes. While I understand and respect the desire to preserve Native American families and culture, I just don't think culture is the be-all-end-all so many make it out to be. Culture is not inherent in us, the need to be loved a cared for in a stable environment is. You are in between a rock and a hard place, but, like Christina, I am sure you will be blessed and God will help you to make sure things end up the way they are supposed to. I am glad the boys are making such amazing progress. That is truly wonderful!

Anonymous said...

The adoption agency will not know anything about the boys unless the homestudy times out and you have to have it done again.
I would think you had the home study done when you had the dossier prepared and it has been sent before the boys.
If you are going to time out on the home study soon you could have it updated before you adopted the boys.
I did not do this, but when I adopted I know of at least 2 families that did. The one lady was pregnant and had a long line of misscarriages. They had already paid, waited, they thought she would lose this baby too and she didn't. They ended up waiting so long she in fact had the baby before they traveled. They just did not say anything and no one ever asked. Other people did this too. They thought it an unfair rule and reasoned their way around it.

Susan said...

Kelly, I honestly don't know what to say. My heart goes out to you, your hubby, and the boys. Please know that prayers will be going up for all of you.

LawMommy said...

Kelly,

I don't want to bring your hopes up only to dash them, but, in the one adoption case our office handled that involved a Native American child, the child was adopted by his non-native foster parents, because there were no appropriate Native American families interested in adopting him.

I guess I'm just trying to say, it happens. So, don't give up hope just yet.

I'm glad you updated - I've been wondering what was happening with you.

Gretchen

Barb said...

I am currently with the same agency you are. I feel that if any agency would be willing to work with you on this situation, it would be them. Will they put the VN process on hold for a while, simply just move you to the back of the list? I hope everything works out!!

Barb

Anonymous said...

WOW - clearly you and your husband are what these boys need in their lives and would be the best option for them. I TOTALLY respect and understand the need for the ICWA's regulations, but I think it should be case by case. In yours, where these 2 have been with you for months and are now thriving, it seems obvious what is in their best interest. I hope there's a happy ending to this one - for you and the boys! Take care.

R&H said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this mess. I wish you the best of luck!
heather
tovietnam.blogspot.com

Melanie said...

Any update?!? I'm sure things have been busy, but I just wanted you to know I've been thinking about your family and hoping for the best.

Maggie said...

I haven't been to your blog in such a long time (sorry) and, well, holy cow! Things have really changed for you. It's quite a situation you're in. I'm with you on the ICWA law. Preserving a race and culture is such an important thing. An acquaintance of mine runs the Native American Culture program in our school district -- learning about their culture has really given these kids roots.

However, kids can languish while waiting for a permanent home. I was matched with a boy back in September of 2006 but I had to say no because of his severe needs. He entered foster care at age 4 and waited and waited for a Native American family to adopt him. No one came. Do you know how long the system looks for a Native American family before the boys can be adopted by someone else?

Kathryn said...

Haooy new year, Kelly! What's new? Are you still with CHI?