Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Yet Another Long Overdue Update

My deepest apologies to all of you who have read and commented on this blog in the past (is there anyone left out there?). For a number of reasons, I have been unable to post for a very long time. I also have been very neglectful in reading all of your wonderful blogs- believe me when I say I have missed you and your blogs terribly.

Hoss and Little Joe are now in a new foster home. They left about a week ago. We had six (almost 7) months with them and those months were a whirlwind of drama- both good and not so good. The boys did come up for adoption and we seriously considered adopting them into our family. It was a heart wrenching decision to make, but in the end we decided that adoption was not the best decision for either us or the boys. There were a number of factors that brought us to that difficult decision, many that I cannot blog about publicly. However, I can say that, while we saw tremendous progress with both boys during the first three or four months that they were here things began to get increasingly difficult as time went on. Truthfully, since my last blog post in October I have spent a majority of my time working with therapists, counselors, and special education teachers as we all tried to find a way to help the boys with their myriad of issues stemming from the abuse and neglect that they were subject to in their birth home. As time passed, and Little Joe turned 2, we began to see the emergence of more and more autistic- like behavior that alarmed and dismayed us. Hoss, on the other hand, was in intensive physical, occupational and speech therapy (I have logged in more hours at the hospital than I care to consider) that was slowly but surely helping him get closer to his chronoligical age developmentally. Unfortunately, we also endured some very difficult behavior problems with both boys, and were unable to "explain away" behaviors that, quite frankly, scared me to no end. Through the help of the boys' pediatrician, we were able to locate a therapist in the area who has a lot of experience working with children who have suffered trauma and who was qualified to diagnose Reactive Attachment Disorder. Hoss was diagnosed with RAD (he hit every marker for RAD but four that he is not old enough yet to exhibit).

A lot of soul searching, tears, research, and prayer went into our decision to let the boys go. The reality of parenting a child with RAD and a child on the autism spectrum, in conjunction with the abuse and neglect issues and the developmental delay issues both boys have, was a difficult reality to face. There are parents in this world, I know, who are able to rise to the challenge of the boys needs and have the resources to meet those needs.

The cold hard truth we had to face was that we are not those parents.

The boys left without a look backwards and I am told that they walked into their new home with smiles on their faces and hugs for the new family. After six months in our home, neither boy have asked for us, cried for us, or even mentioned us.

We, on the other hand, are working through our grief and struggling to find a way to forgive ourselves for not being the parents that the boys need or deserve. There is some comfort in knowing that we did, at the very least, help the boys become more like little boys who play and laugh and less like the lost, bewildered, beings that they were who had no idea who they were or how to interact in the world. We did, at the very least, get them the educational assistance that they so desperately needed, as well as the therapies necessary to help them with their fine and gross motor skills (including the braces for their feet they both really needed) and their language skills.

Ah, but they need and deserve so much more. So, in the final assessment, we must face the fact that we did, in the end, fail to meet their needs.

A tough, bitter pill to swallow.

our house is quiet, the toys that did not go with them are put away, and the only reminder that they were here is the framed Christmas photo on the mantle.

As for our Vietnam adoption, well, we did get the call to put our dossier together to send to Vietnam. At the time we got the call, we were still planning on adopting the boys, so we asked to have our application put on hold.

Right now, we are not sure where we are headed or what will happen next. There is a little five month old baby boy bouncing in an exersaucer nearby me that came to us at three months through the foster care system. [yes, for awhile there I had two high special needs toddlers and an infant to take care of. that, my friends is why I never blogged] At this point no one knows what the future holds for him, all we know is that he will be here for at least six months, probably more.

He does need us, and we can, at least in his case, meet his needs. We cannot, of course, send our dossier to Vietnam while we have a foster child in our home.

And how can I look into that adorable face- those big blue eyes and chubby cheeks - and send him away?

To read about abused and neglected children will tear at your heart. To live with the devasting effects of abuse and neglect will shatter your "love can fix anything" hopes, wear you out body and soul, and put your back together again into a person you never knew you could be- one who somehow holds onto the real hope that time, love, care, and hard work can make a difference while still holding on to the dark reality that there are children that have been so hurt, so damaged, that they will never completely bounce back. And the heavy burden of deciding how far one can go, how much one can do, and finally, when to let go is as much the reality of foster care as the exhilerating moments when a child, against all odds, hangs tough and reaches out to love and grow and trust in themselves, others, and the world again.

There are somethings in life, no matter how tough, that once you encounter them you cannot walk away from.

Right now, for us, that "something" is foster care.

And that enlivens me and frightens me terribly both at the same time.

So, we have not traveled far from my last post, have we? We still do not know what direction we are going, what will happen with our Vietnam adoption, and what our future holds.

15 comments:

KelleyO said...

Kelly, I have missed you so much. I think about you often, I wish I could give you a big hug. What an incredible 6 months, the pain, the joy and now the sorrow of letting go. Your stength is inspiring, you are amazing! XXXXXXXX

Anonymous said...

Kelly - I've missed you more than you'll ever know! The journey you've been on is incredible and I think you wrote about it beautifully. I do have to disagree that you failed those boys. To be unable to do the impossible is not a failure! You gave them the gift of love and I have to believe, having dealt with RAD myself (for a lot longer with the same end result as you) that somewhere deep down in their psyches, RAD kids DO benefit from love and nurturing and hopefully eventually in life they will be able to reach within and draw from that benefit even though clearly they are too sick now to show the benefits. In other words, the gifts you gave may not be measurable right now but I believe they exist and will pay dividends down the line.

And one more thing. Parents who know their own limits are the real gifted parents, in my book. Those who just blow through it all thinking they can handle anything that comes their way are often the ones who aren't really *handling* anything at all, they aren't really in tune with the children's needs and are just in denial about their capabilities. So as hard as it was to come to terms with your family's own needs and the boys' needs, that is exactly what makes you such a good mama.

I have some questions about foster care when you have some time (haha) if you can drop me an email (nicki @ steppingonlegos . com - without the spaces)

mam said...

I'm so glad to hear from you and am sorry about the pain you've expressed...I feel nothing but admiration for you. And I love Nicki's comment about the truly gifted parents being those who know their own limits. I know the strength you've developed from this experience will give you so much more to share with the next children you take into your lives.

Kelly said...

Hi Kelly! I too, have really missed you and have often thought about you and what has been going on. I just want you to know that I am praying for you and those boys. You did absolutely everything you could for them and I think that their 6 months with you will, in the end, help them. I am so sorry for the difficulties that you and your husband have been through lately. I am also so sorry for those boys and all that they have been through before coming to you. You are a strong person.

Anonymous said...

Kelly,
I have so missed you, too! I have been wondering about you and the boys and how everything was going. I am so sorry things didn't turn out as you'd hoped, but I agree with the others. In no way did you fail those boys. You did more for them in the 7 months they were with you than had been done for them in their whole lives. I admire you!

Anonymous said...

Still here, and glad to hear from you... though sorry that you've been through such a very tough time. You made a HUGE difference in those boys' lives, never forget that!! It takes character to recognize your own limitations and I know you did what was best for all of you. And I think it's awesome that you've been called to be a foster mom, not once but twice already. God is doing great and mighty things in you and through you.

Dianna said...

Oh Kelly, you have traveled MILES from where you were in your last post. You are so strong and brave and what you've done for the boys, both in loving them and in letting them go, will help them grow and flourish. The things that are the hardest are sometimes the most worthwhile. I hope we hear from you more often - I've missed you.

Jenn said...

Hi Kelly,
I'm still around and was excited to see you've returned to post. Wow- you have had quite a journey the last few months. I would agree with the women above that you should never believe that you failed those little boys. I believe you two set them sailing in the right direction and you did provide the very best care you could. As for the new path & direction you are heading in... I leave you with a quote my husband shared with me recently - "Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions."

Jen said...

Kelly--great to see a new post. I think that you made the right decision for your family and for those little boys. What a difficult time you guys have had!

You may have been there already, but check out thebodiebunch.blogspot.com about a mom who is raising 39 kids from the foster system.

I really admire you--hope your new little guy brings you lots of joy.

Diana said...

I know how hard you worked for those boys to have them in a loving and stable home...and to give them the resources they need. I've told you before, and I'll say it again: I admire what you and R have done, and this changes nothing. Having seen how adorable they are, I sill know I never could have been half the parent that either of you were. You did so much for them, and I believe it has benifited them more than you could realize. And, I'm proud of you for having the courage to let them go. Nicki said it perfectly.

Love you, girl and I can't wait to see you, R, the furry babies and the newest little one.

Susan said...

As you can see, there are a lot of us out here who are so happy to hear from you. My heart was heavy as I read this post, but it was only for those boys and all they've had to deal with (and will deal with) in their young lives. But then I started to feel so uplifted because of the love and commitment of you and your husband. You're definitely NOT failures in any sense of the word. I do pray that your grief is bearable and will soon be much easier to handle. Now, go love on that new little one!!

Anonymous said...

Kelly,
thank you so much for such a beautifully written update. My own family has/is dealing with RAD, older child adoption, abuse, etc. so I can totally appreciate where you are coming from. You have done an amazing thing for those boys and the fact that you realized your own limitations, their needs, and didn't proceed out of sheer guilt (which many people do) is incredible and shows unparalleled strength in my opinion.
And the fact that you didn't throw in the towel, become so hopeless and discouraged, give up on adoption and fostering...that is TRUE strength. I wish you the best of luck with everything and will continue to check in for updates.

LawMommy said...

Kelly,

Your post has me crying. You did everything you could for those boys - you did not fail them. I've missed reading your posts.

Gretchen

Anonymous said...

Hi!! I've been checking this waiting for an update, even though I could just call you. But, you did everything you could for those boys, I saw them change so much when you had them, and you helped them so much. Even if yous didn't choose to adopt them, you helped them improve so much and changed for the better. I love you and you know I'm here for you, I'm just a call away.
Beeboo

Melanie said...

I have so been out of the blog-loop and with tears in my eyes I had such a difficult time reading your blog. I so get how hard it is to know you are not THAT mommy. I never wanted to be the type of person that said a child has too much for me; too much heartache, too much illness, too much...too much. But, I have, after wanting to say yes, I will be their mommy, to saying no, I cannot mother that child. It is so hard, but we are not in this to save a child or be on Oprah for all our good deeds. I know I want to be a mom and have a child or children need me until they have grown into complete adults (or near complete) who only need me for family dinners and occasional questions about life. Anyway, in my ramblings I send hugs your way as you (and I along with you) decide where our adoption journeys will take us.